As I climb off him, I realize how tight and sore my legs have become from straddling his chair for so long. Obviously the wheels of the chair come up on both sides and it's not like there was anywhere comfortable for me to rest my legs. So I just kept them pressed against the sides of his chair, sometimes letting my knees rest on the wheels themselves.
I'm thankful for the fact that the only light source comes from the bathroom and small desk lamp, giving the room nice soft lighting.
I will admit after seeing how buff Jason's chest is, I realize he works out a lot and I... well, let's just say aside from the occasional jog... do pretty much nothing.
So feeling a bit self conscious about my body, I pull my jeans off from a sitting position and quickly pull the covers over me as I lay down, propping my head on my hand.
I watch him watch me. Neither one of us say a word, then I catch a subtle change in his expression.
Oh no! Could he be turned off by my pasty white thighs? Maybe the lighting isn't as forgiving as I thought and he just saw some cellulite or something as equally and horribly unattractive.
"What's wrong?" I ask with genuine concern, my eyes unable to hide the fear that something may be taking a wrong turn.
He looks at me and takes a deep breath.
"Brynn, I know my chair won't fit through the narrow bathroom door. So I need to tell you something."
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I could have totally asked for one of those rooms... you know... um... the ones..." My nervousness comes through too easily.
Ironically 'accessible' is the word I seek out - later it becomes a part of my everyday vocabulary when with him. But at this point I have no clue of my boundaries when it comes to Jason’s disability.
"No worries,” he saves me by interrupting my rambling; trying to put us both at ease. "Besides, you didn't even know I was coming here tonight, did you?" he teases.
“I’m not going to lie...I was hoping!"
He smiles, bracing himself to continue. "I use a catheter. I don't know if you even know what that is - but it's a tube that goes into my bladder to empty it. I usually have it attached to a leg bag when I go out to prevent anything from going wrong."
"Okay." I shrug casually, encouraging him to continue.
I know more about cathing than he could ever imagine; I hope that he can sense this isn’t an issue for me.
"The second thing is that I'm going to ask you to turn around until I take it out."
I roll over to face the wall as asked.
I feel the movement on the bed as he transfers on to it. I really wish I could watch him and let him know how I really feel about everything, that everything is more than alright.
I decide at that moment, that at some point tonight, I will come clean with him. Maybe. Possibly. I suppose it depends on how everything goes, but I really don't want to keep anything from him.
The distinctive sound of jeans unzipping pulls me out of my thoughts. Despite the nice mellow buzz from those beers, it still feels like butterflies are doing some sort of synchronized swimming in my stomach as I'm overcome with anticipation.
I take a deep calming breath while concentrating on the sounds coming from his side of the bed. So far his undressing had been pretty quiet but now I hear what sounds a bit like velcro coming loose and then something softly landing on the floor followed by silence once again.
"Okay," he says and once again the blood courses through me - an intense mix of excitement, desire and anxiety.
I roll back over to face him and pure desire overwhelms every other emotion upon seeing this vision of physical perfection next to me.
Once again, just like with the removal of his sweater, I am absolutely awestruck. But this is different. His chest was perfection as anyone else would see it. This type of perfection--let's just say it's only meant for me.
I pull in close to him but instead of putting my face to his for a kiss I want to take all of him in with my eyes first. He's laying down not saying a word but with eyes fixated on me, awaiting my inspection.
I prop my head back up on my elbow and spread my other palm out on his chest. I trail down the lattice of hard muscles along his chest, this time relishing the fact that there is no longer any barriers of clothing to stop me from exploring every inch of his exquisiteness.
"Can you feel this?" I ask him when I get to the soft part of stomach, which I can see all the more clearly now since he's laying down.
He shakes his head. "Not really, just a dull sensation and less as you go down."
I boldly move my hand lower, just cupping him in my hand. I can quickly tell he's somewhere between flaccid and hard. "This?" I ask.
"Very slight and completely with a mind of it's own," he says. "But we can expect cooperation about half the time," he adds, a small smile tugging on his lips.
It's obvious how uneasy he is with the conversation, yet I'm also certain that he gets the fact that I really need to learn about his body if we're going to get anywhere good.
I move my hand to down his thigh and just hold it there, awaiting a response. He shakes his head, "Nothing."
His legs are long and lean but not exaggeratedly thin as I may have imagined. Don’t get me wrong; the obvious lack of muscle tone is apparent. Between the narrow hips and broad shoulders, his body has that perfect "v" shape, which makes him amazingly proportionate overall.
I do notice his legs don't lay flat - slight bend at the knee. Somehow I get the impression that his muscles are so tight that if I were to push his knee down it would bounce right back up like a spring. I find out in the months that follow my initial observation is correct.
My eyes follow the path back up his body and meet his penetrating stare.
I climb on him, pressing my upper body and lips to him at the same time. He receives my kiss eagerly and cups my face with his hands as we kiss. It’s long and hard and when we finally slow a bit, it is he that breaks the silence with a question. "So? Did I pass inspection?"
"You have no idea how much," I whisper back, once again wondering how much more I can endure of this perfection before my insides just self combust.
This time when we kiss, I straddle him and even though we have my thin layer of panties between us, I feel like he's erect enough to where I can feel his hardness pressing against me. Although he's not completely hard, I know it's not an indicator of his arousal by the way his breathing matches my own.
I continue to press myself against him, slowly rubbing against him a few times until it's just too much to contain. I gasp as my crotch explodes into an earth shattering orgasm, my body just swimming in ecstasy as I dig my nails into those tight round shoulders and he catches my cry in his mouth.
I come to a gradual stop and lay motionless on him for a minute, just trying to catch my breath. Enjoying the pleasure that spirals through my insides.
I gently reach up and kiss his neck while still catching my breath. I'm just relishing the closeness of my bare skin on his while synchronizing my breathing with the rise and fall of his chest.
"So now I believe it's my turn to do the inspecting," he whispers into my ear.
In one quick movement he uses his amazing upper body strength to flip to his side, pinning me under him as he drapes his chest over mine. As he turns, his knees constrict sharply, drawing up in a forty five degree angle and collapsing with dead weight on my thigh.
One word: Yum-my!
His free hand wraps tightly around my wrist, pinning it to the bed as he begins softly kissing my neck.
Even though my dam exploded just minutes before, I feel the reservoir quickly filling up again just from the feel of his weight on me. He kisses me all over and every area of skin his lips touch tingle. I fight the uncontrollable urge to want to feel him inside me once and for all.
Lucky for me, just as I'm thinking this, I begin to feel his finger along the elastic of my panties. Squirming under his touch, I help him pull them down to my knees, impatiently kicking them the rest of the way off with my legs.
He begins exploring me with his hand and I feel like I may not be able to withhold myself much longer..
Now just to clarify: I've always been a pretty orgasmic person with the right guy, even with AB guys. So I can’t say I’m at all surprised that my body is responding like this to him.
What I am surprised by is the mind blowing magnitude my body responds with. I am unable to recall a time ever being aroused to these heights.
Not even with Brad.
Jason expertly touches the right spot and I quickly climax once again.
My insides still feel the shock waves rippling through when I notice that he is already kissing my stomach while working his way down on me.
I quickly snap out of my daze and grasp his arm, pulling him back up to stop him from going further. "No. It's my turn now. Tell me what I can do.”
"I'm fine," he says going back to kissing my stomach.
"No,” I insist, coaxing him back up again. Since it doesn’t appear like he’s going to come up anytime soon, I slide myself down in order to be face to face with him once again.
I think I must be the only living dev that does not enjoy receiving oral sex.
"I want to feel you inside me," I whisper, pushing myself onto my side, which in turn forces him to do the same so we’re both sideways facing each other.
He has a bit of a wounded look on his face but soon disappears as I wrap my leg around his hip, pressing into him.
I begin the slow and deliberate motion of grinding my pelvis against his, feeling his strong hands running up my legs and finding their place on my backside. I let him set the rhythm by using his hands to control the up and down motion of my body against his.
"Come here," he whispers in between ragged breaths, rolling onto his back and pulling me on him.
This time there is no barrier between us. He’s pretty hard now and I am really, really wet. Without much maneuvering on my part he slips into me.
His hands continue stroking and caressing, his mouth nipping and crushing; he's using every functioning muscle above the waist to compensate for the ones below, pushing me skyward until I think I will erupt with need.
It is everything I imagined this very moment would be like. More. I have always been one to prefer penetration over anything else and this does not disappoint.
He continues to use his hands to maneuver my hips up and down as we sync into a perfectly paced rhythm.
His labored breathing in my ear, paired with the emotional and physical feeling I get from him being inside me, creates another perfect storm of ecstasy. My climax is intense, beautiful and completely overpowering.
I collapse on to him and catch my breath as he wraps his arms around my waist and lays still.
"Okay, this is really not fair. We're '3-and-0' here - so now you have to tell me what I can do," I say in between pants.
"I can't.” he reveals. “But that's not to say you're nothing short of brilliant,"
Ugh. A horrible pang of guilt washes over me as I meet his eyes. I am perfectly aware that all injuries are different, but I guess I was hoping he was one of the lucky few that could still climax.
"Why don't you let me try?" I offer.
"Just lay here with me for now," he responds.
I snuggle next to him, putting my head on his shoulder. Enjoying the mellow sound of his breathing and the feel of his chest going up and down. I feel like if I could capture any moment in time to freeze and keep for ever - this would be it, hands down.
"But you did enjoy it?" I can't help softly ask.
"How could you not tell?” His hand runs down my shoulder, long fingers caressing my skin, “I hope I’ll get to see you again when you return. You will be returning, won’t you?”
"I go back tomorrow but be back the day after. Believe me, I will keep coming back here if it means getting to see you," I say trailing soft kisses along his chest.
"So... I have to ask you something.” I wait for the question as he seems to steady himself before asking, “You really don't mind...the chair, the cath and everything else that goes along with it?" he asks quietly, playing with a strand of my hair.
Now I think every relationship has forks in the road. There’s always that point where what is said at that specific moment can impact the outcome for good or bad.
This is one of those defining moments as I mull over my decision. I just want to get the truth out there and over with, but there is always the strong risk of losing him. The easy option is to never come clean about my feelings and just continue forward. After all, does he really need to know everything about me?
But I suppose if I tell him now and he can't accept it, I will always have the memory of the most amazing night of my life. After all, it's not like I invested a bunch of time in this relationship, so rejection would would not be as bad since the attachment is purely physical at this point.
Of course, I'm downplaying my feelings for him as a defense mechanism because if he can’t handle what I’m about to tell him and he chooses to bail out, I'd be devastated and wonder if I should have kept the truth to myself.
Obviously, I don't know him well enough to know how he will react, however something in my gut just makes me decide to open up and go for it.
"Jason, I don't mind any of it," I speak carefully, choosing my words as wisely as possible. "In fact, I'm perfectly fine with everything that comes with dating you. More than fine, the whole package you come in is unbelievably sexy. The disability... well... it's just not a negative in my opinion."
He is silent as he continues to stroke my hair. I imagine he is trying to absorb what I am saying. I close my eyes and wait for him to respond, not realizing that I'm holding my breath awaiting his reaction.
"So, you're saying you're fine with it?" he finally asks.
"More than fine. I think it's a very sexy part of you." I cringe after saying these words, having never spoken them out loud in my life. I know why at this very moment; it really is just such a weird concept to grasp.
It seems like so much time passes that I end up panicking and consider back-peddling.
But how? Do I say: 'Oh, I was just joking! I'm really not attracted to the whole disability thing, it was just a joke!'
Then he'd really think I lost my mind.
He finally breaks the silence with a question. "Explain to me so I can understand." No doubt he’s trying to put it all together. I can only imagine that he probably must have lots of questions; if the tables were turned, I would too.
"Ask me anything," I prop my chin on his chest, studying his expression.
He thinks for a second before speaking, formulating his thoughts once again. "So you're attracted to me, and it's because of the chair?"
"No! Not just the chair. Everything. I can't imagine any woman not being attracted to you. All the girls in the galley were as smitten as I was."
"But did they know?"
I dart my eyes up to the ceiling as I think about this for a second. Hmmmm... well, that was before they knew. But we really didn't talk about it afterwards... except for Lisa's comments, which he doesn't need to hear.
Okay, he may have a point.
I don't have to say anything because he does it all for me.
"Allow me to share my experience of the last ten years. To most girls, the chair is not a plus. I mean, I guess I look alright, so dating is not an issue. But in the long haul, I think most girls do prefer men that walk."
I think this out for a second. "You're being modest. Nothing changes the fact that you're unbelievably hot."
"Keep thinking that way and we'll get on fine," he teases while gently kissing my forehead.
“So are we okay?” I dare ask, cringing awaiting the final verdict.
“Okay," he shrugs. "I mean I suppose it’s an odd attraction but I’m not bothered. I suppose we all have things that light our fires.”
“Oh? And yours is...?” I taunt him playfully.
“Well...let’s just say you don’t fall short in that category,” he gives me a devilish smirk.
"A boob man, I see?" I laugh back, happy to be done with our tense conversation.
I'm not sure if it's the relief of getting this out if the way, the beers, all the orgasms or just the state of relaxation from being held in his arms, but I drift off to sleep instantly. I'm pretty certain he does the same.
I'm usually not a good sleeper when I know I have to be up early, but tonight I sleep right until the alarm goes off. I reach over, hit the snooze and curl up next to Jason, who hasn't even stirred. I enjoy just laying there pressed against his chest, absorbing his delicious natural scent and hoping to capture it in my memory.
The thought that not only will I eventually have to get up, but that I'll be flying away for a few days makes me miss him like crazy despite the fact I haven't even left yet.
Finally I peel myself off him and force myself to the shower. I do a super fast wash up so I can maximize the last minutes left with him.
I wrap in a towel, do my makeup and lay out my uniform. I think I may have broken the world speed record in doing this because I check my watch and still have thirty minutes before pick-up downstairs. I make my way back to the bed and find him still sleeping on his side. I drop my towel and crawl in behind him, pressing my chest against his back. I begin kissing the back of his neck and he softly moans and stirs a bit.
I continue kissing down his back, working my way down the center, when my lips encounter what feels like ridges of scar tissue trailing down the middle. It gets more pronounced the further down I get until I get to the center of his back and my fingers encounter an extremely raised area right over his spine, which to be honest, makes my fingers pull away for a second as I gasp.
"What?" he whispers upon hearing my breath catch softly from my new found discovery.
"Does this hurt?" I ask determined not let this freak me out. I slowly return my fingers to the raised area and softly run them up and down his spine.
"No. But I have no idea what you're doing."
This time I realize he's oblivious to my touch, having an obvious lack of sensation in what I assume to be the area around the injury.
"There's an area in the center of your spine that feels like something is buried under it,” I try to sound as casually as possible.
"Oh. Those are titanium rods. And about ten screws riveted to the spinal column which fused all the vertebrae back together, if you want to get technical. I can't bend or twist the spine in that whole area. You're also probably feeling scar tissue from all the back surgeries I've had through the years."
"Wow, I had no idea. Is that common with broken backs?"
"Everyone's different. My break was pretty bad with the spine in almost two pieces but the cord magically didn't snap so I'm considered an incomplete t10. Spasms and nerve pain are the biggest common issues with my injury."
I say nothing in the hopes he will continue. Lets just say I'm not disappointed by the fact that he is uncharacteristically open.
"The spasms are reasonably controlled with meds unless I'm really tired or sick. But the pain kicks my arse every time.” He goes on as I continue my examination in the half-light. “I've had a few surgeries to cut nerves on the sides of the spine and neck as well as different procedures along with physio, deep tissue massage, EMS, etcetera, etcetera." He shrugs.
"I think I know what all those are, with the exception of the last one you said,” I continue the conversation, still really surprised he’s divulging so much to me, maybe being so forthcoming with him last night has made it easier for him to be forthcoming with me this morning.
"Electric muscle stimulation. It's where they put sticky pads on my non-working muscles and zap them so they contract and relax. That sometimes helps a bit with pain and the meds can sometimes can take the edge off as well."
I cringe just thinking about what that would be like to go through. "So you still have a lot of pain?"
"Heaps. There's several types associated with injury and I'm just lucky enough to have them all. My body never responded well to the surgeries so everything is just pain management at this point."
"Well, you're pretty lucky to have found me because it just so happens that I'm pretty good at giving massages."
"Is that so?"
"Roll on to your stomach, I'll show you."
He complies and I sit on his butt in order to straddle him and get in position to fully access his back. I begin by pressing the tight muscles along his shoulders and upper back, considering this is probably a pretty safe area to start.
"You have to guide me and tell me what feels good, okay?"
"Pretty much anywhere is good. Most of the time, anyway. Around the incisions it's either tingly or numb, but as long as you go easy - it's fine. There’s times when the pain is really bad and I can't tolerate any touch whatsoever, so don’t get offended. My spinal cord is so damaged it’s lost the capability to interpret touch accurately at times, if even at all."
"So you get tingly around the incisions?"
"I wish it was only around there.” He half-laughs, maybe trying to set me at ease as I work his muscles with my fingers. “Sometimes it feels like needles are pricking me everywhere below the injury level. The best comparison I can think of is hypothermia; not that I've experienced it personally. But try to imagine burying your bare legs in the snow and then sticking them right into a hot tub. Something like that."
"Oh, wow. Is that common?"
"Yeah,” He nods. “Dysesthetic pain, probably the most common. There's also radicular which in my case is from broken bone fragments in my spine. And they both fall under the neuropathic pain umbrella. "
I cringe at his description but am impressed by his extensive knowledge. "Wow, you really know your neurology."
"Well aside from living it daily I also know anatomy. I'm a sports medicine major so the knowledge can be useful when talking with doctors and surgeons."
"I...I'm so sorry you have to go through that," I say softly. I never even considered the high pain factor. Then again, if someone breaks their spine in half I guess its only logical that there would be some level of pain involved.
"I hope I’m not scaring you. Honestly, most days aren't so bad. There are days when its really intense; but I’ve learned to deal with it."
I shrug, but of course he can’t see it, his face still resting on the pillow with me on his back. "Thank you for sharing all this with me," I tell him, still trying to process the all the information he just threw at me.
"Well, I figure since you will officially be my girlfriend after today, I may as well let you know what you are getting yourself into."
I am elated at the sound of these words coming out of his mouth and I wrap my arms around him, nuzzling my nose into the back of his neck. "I would love nothing more than to be your girlfriend. I don't care what I'm getting into," I continue, this time softly in his ear. "I can handle it, I'm a big girl."
I lay there another minute then check the clock. I’m down to ten minutes before I have to throw my uniform on and head out the door. I sit back up and rub a bit lower on his back this time. I feel his back relax into my hand, clearly enjoying my touch.
I press my thumbs and palms a few inches below his shoulder blades and he makes more sounds of contentment. With my eyes adjusted to the dim lights, I can really see all the scarring on his back, including the long vertical one that is probably eight inches long and runs down most of his spine.
I as get closer to where the break is I must admit I do get a bit nervous and go really light on the touch, not wanting to inflict any sort of pain on him.
My curiosity gets the best of me and I consider the consequences of asking him what happened once again. He made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk about it last night yet I feel this overwhelming desire to know. I decide to risk upsetting him and just go for it, milking my new girlfriend status for all it's worth.
"Well...." I stammer a bit before getting it out. "Now that I'm officially your girlfriend, will you tell me what happened?"
He is silent for a moment before whispering, "Another time, remember?"
“This is another time," I protest coyly. "Okay, I get you don't like talking about it and I also know it's asking a lot of you, but I want you to know I'm crazy about you. I've never met a guy who I've fallen for so quickly for and I just have this need to know everything about you," I blurt all this out under one breath.
I think he must sense the sincerity and desperation in my voice because he actually chuckles as I'm stringing all the words along. I hear him sigh softly, almost like a surrender, and I can tell I'm slowly breaking him down.
"Pleeee-ase?" I say kissing his back and slipping my hand around his chest and rubbing gently up and down around his rib cage. I just can't seem to get enough of him, and the more I touch his bare skin, the more my body responds to him.
He pauses with a deep breath before continuing. "Some of my mates and I were on summer holiday and flew to Cyprus to visit friends we'd made at the university. One of the guys lived in one of the villages up in the mountains so we went up for a visit. We drank quite a bit and decided to take his jeep round for a drive along the mountain side."
He pauses for a minute, but it’s easy to predict what follows. I close my eyes.
"The tire of the jeep caught on something; that's the last thing I remember. Apparently the jeep slid to the bottom, flipping over in the process."
I am too speechless to ask anything. Instead I rest my head on his back, holding him closer to me.
"His girlfriend figured out we were missing. By the time rescue got there, I was barely alive, floating in a stream. They got me to the hospital but my lungs were so full of water I was barely breathing and sustained lots of injuries including a collapsed lung, crushed spine, head trauma. I was in an induced coma for six weeks, they were pretty sure I wasn't going to make it."
I'm grateful at this moment that I'm not facing him so he doesn't see the look of horror on my face while I search for the right words. "Sounds like a true miracle you survived."
"Those were the doctor's sentiments. Especially since I was the only survivor."
These last words linger in the cold, dark silence of the room. I feel horrible, as if I've opened up a door he doesn't like to go through. Now it’s crystal clear why he wouldn't.
"I really shouldn't have pushed you into telling me, Jason."
"It's okay. It was a long time ago," he says softly. And yet I get the strong sensation that he’s just speaking these words to downplay the situation for my sake.
I can't think of one thing to say that would make this moment any easier.
I feel his his torso rolling under me so I lift up enough to let him turn around freely so that he faces me.
"Besides," he says moving a lock of hair out of my face, "You’re right; you’re entitled to know everything about me, which includes the good, as well as the bad."
I can only nod as I look into his beautiful eyes. The only thing that comes into my mind at this second is that I have no right to complain about anything ever again. I can't begin to imagine going through half of what he's gone through and still has to endure daily.
And yet he's just so... together.
I'd probably be a mess if I had to go down his path, but he handles himself with so much dignity. "You're so amazing and strong, physically as well as emotionally,” I say, my insides bursting with emotion.
He rolls his eyes but smiles. "Glad you see it that way, but I'm not doing anything different from anyone else in my situation."
“I’d sit here and argue that point,” I kiss him softly on the mouth before pushing away. “But I have to get dressed now.”
I jump up and grab his t -shirt off the floor.
“Sorry, mister--you just lost your shirt. It's a girlfriend's right. I need something to sleep in with your delicious scent, but don't worry--I’ll return it in two days and swap out for a fresh one,” I say sitting back on the edge of the bed for one last look at him.
He smiles up at me and grabs my head with his hands, pulls me down and kisses my forehead. Then wraps his arms tightly around me and whispers, "You can count on that."