Sunday, March 4, 2012

California Dreaming- Part 10

They arrived early as she was the first surgery.  Kelly went in with positive thoughts. It really did not take long maybe a half of an hour.  She had a nice incision as the tumor was pretty big, the size of an egg.  Kelly could not believe it.  They also took samples from other places and told her the results would be back in a day or two.  Kelly thought, "great more waiting."  Her doctor said he was feeling pretty good, he said the cells around it did not look concerning but they would wait and see.  Her brother asked a lot of doctor questions and Kelly was just glad it was over.  She went home and let her mom take care of her for most of the day.  She had a few texts and she called Lindsay and the girls but she still had to wait.  Kelly  did not feel bad, the incision was big but nothing to get excited about.  Alex actually texted her, “hey Kel what’s up.?”  She did not respond. 
The next day Kelly had an appointment to get her incision checked and if they had results they would go over them.  The doctor sat down with her, her mom and brother.  He said the good news is that we got it; the bad news is it was a stage one breast cancer. 
Kelly started to cry, he said, “Kelly it was very early, it had not spread and one maybe two at the most rounds of radiation and you will be fine, we will just have to watch.”
Her Mom and Brother tried to hold it together her Mom told her, “Kelly it’s not that bad it could be so much worse.”  Kelly knew she was right.
The doctor went on to say, “Kelly I have a waiting room full of people who would love to be in your shoes.” 
He said she would do one radiation treatment a week for maybe 3 months; just to be sure they did not leave one cell behind.  He told her she was going to be fine. 
The doctor said, “Kelly one last thing.” 
Kelly quickly said with tear stained cheeks, “what?” 
“You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, we are going to watch you closely but if I were you I would consider having a double mastectomy and soon.”
 “What I thought you got it all.”
“We did, you already have implants it would not change a thing it would just make your risk factor go to next to none.  I am not saying schedule it today but think about it for while and we can talk more about it later.  I am just planting a seed.”  He knew from years of experience that Kelly was not going to put herself through surgery again anytime soon, unless absolutely necessary, but planting the seed would start the process. 
Her brother John said in a serious tone, “Kelly think about it.”  Kelly shot him a look that said shut up. 
Her Doctor told her to go out and schedule her radiation and he would see her for a mammogram in 2 months.
Kelly said. “OK,” and hugged him. 
“Kelly you are going to be fine. Believe it or not this is the type of news I like to give.” 

Her Mom and brother shook his hand and they took her home.  They did not say much, her Mom just said, “Kelly you know you are lucky right.”
Kelly said, “yes I know.”
Being her mother and not knowing when enough was enough she said, “considering that you already have implants I don’t see what the big deal about getting a mastectomy would be.”
Kelly said sounding like a brat, “I don’t know I just don’t like it.”   
Her Mom knew Kelly was not going to decide this now but ended it by saying, “do what he said think about it.”

Kelly called Kristy and filled her in and told her the radiation schedule.  She was starting it next Monday.  She left for NY Tuesday and hoped to go to Florida Thursday.  Busy as always, that was a good thing.  Her Mom and Brother flew out that night, Kelly cried like a baby when her Mom left.  She again remembered that last time her Mom left she had Alex to comfort her.  She wanted to call him but, she did not want to go into all of it. 
Kelly  called her friends and filled them in everyone thought she got a lucky break.  She actually could not run or anything for while as her incision was going to take some time to heal.  She was not ready to think about the mastectomy.  She wrote on facebook, "got very lucky, and thanks everyone."
Kelly really started thinking about seeing Alex and if she was up for that.  Alex wrote on her page, “hey thanks for calling me back.”  She wrote on his, “sorry, it was not on purpose, things were crazy but is all good now, no worries.”  He wrote, “why are you so shady?”  Kelly wrote, “well if that is not the pot calling the kettle black.”  Kelly had no idea what he would do when he saw her, heck she did not know what she would do. 
Kelly had her first radiation appointment on Monday it was no big deal they tattooed her but did not do the treatment as her incision was not closed quite yet.  She packed up and went to New York
She did fill her boss in, Steve was furious that she did not tell him sooner.  Kelly said, “well why worry you over nothing its fine, it will be behind me in a couple months.”  Steve told her take whatever time she needed and not to ever keep such stuff from him again and then he hugged her tight. 
Kelly worked like a dog for two days and then when Thursday came she knew her flight was at as the ceremony was set to be outside at .  She wanted to come in after it started, just kind of slide in so if she got too freaked out she could sneak right back out.  Kelly was excited but so nervous.  She had a couple drinks on the plane to calm her nerves.   Kelly kept wondering what she was doing, he should be coming to here, she did not chase guys.  Kelly felt she had more self respect than that, if this is what he wanted, it had to be for the right reasons. 
Kelly landed  in Washington and went to the hotel, and changed in to a pair of khakis and a cute spring sweater.  She took a cab over to where the ceremony was and for the first time in 10 months their he was, on stage looking amazing, she gasped and realized she had no idea what she was doing.  Panic set in fast, what if he did not want her there?  Her life was finally starting to move forward and she was going to set it all back again, because at the end of the day he did not choose her.  She stood there for a second and turned around and went back to the hotel as fast as she could.  Kelly headed straight for the airport and asked called Kristy and said, “get me on the next plane out of here.”  Kristy tried to talk her out of leaving but Kelly for the first time ever spoke in a very harsh tone and told Kristy this was her life and she knew what was best for her. 
Kelly got home and to her apartment late that evening.  She was numb, she had no idea what got into her, and she did not regret not going, for the first time since this whole breast cancer thing she was starting to feel in control.  She loved him that was a fact, Alex destroyed her and that was another fact, but she needed to move on.  This was crazy there is a whole world of men out there, there had to be one more decent guy.  She was not sad, she was not angry she was just there. 
Alex accepted his award and caught up with his family.  They were surprised she did not show but did not want to breathe a word of the invite to Alex.  He went back to work  the following week and found out that he was being put on the president’s task force for health care reform to work as an aid to a senator from his home state Colorado.  For the first time in a while Alex was very excited to be in DC maybe everything would finally fall into place.
 Alex emailed Kelly a copy of the memo appointing him.  Kelly got his email and wrote back, “that is so great Alex I could not be happier for you, better days ahead,” and signed it Kelly.  He was not sure what that meant and actually hoped she would call but he did not give it too much thought he was looking forward to the next few months. 
Kelly had a new outlook, she was determined to make San Francisco her home.  She was able to sell her Place in Cleveland fully furnished for a little below asking, but it was worth it to wrap it up.  Kelly was getting a fresh start.  She found an amazing condo not far from where she was living, it was not on the bay but within walking distance, it had 2 bedrooms, a huge kitchen, master suite everything she wanted.  She made an offer and it was hers.  Kelly wrote on facebook, “finally a place to call my own.”  She did not put a picture of it, but her friends knew what she meant.  Emily wrote, “looks like we will be spending lots of time at your new place.” 
Kelly and Emily started to talk more and for the first time she felt like she had a friend.  When Alex saw her post, he wrote, “where did you decide to go?”  She wrote back, “east of the bay about 5 minutes from my current place.”
Kelly decided, to make her best attempt at minimizing their relationship, she was not capable of truly being a friend, friends don’t end every conversation with I love you.  It was in both their best interest to move on.  Kelly got a new car; she took her bosses advice and got a very cute little BMW convertible.  She was starting to look like a girl from San Francisco. 
The radiation was going well, she was almost done, and Kelly was very excited to put it all behind her.  She did end up telling Emily about her cancer scare, Emily yelled at her for not telling her sooner as her mom had a similar thing happen to her.  Kelly had a lot of fun buying new furniture and making a place that felt like a home.  Every time she thought about Alex she would force herself to do something to distract herself. 
Alex got very busy with his new assignment, and he was having a good time, he was meeting lots of new people and finally felt like he was a lawyer.  He thought of Kelly often but was starting to feel like he was being pinched out of her life.  He kept meaning to call her but something would come up.   He was also working out at the rehab center a lot more and focusing on getting himself back in shape. 
There was a physical therapist that he became friends with, Sarah.  He was definitely attracted to her, but he was not so sure if she was into him.  They started to hang out every now and again, but he really could not read what her intentions were.  Eventually Alex, did call Kelly one night pretty late, it was June and he thought too much time had passed.   Kelly answered on the forth ring and sounded very distant.  He asked about her new place and she just kept insisting things were great.  He asked her if he had done something wrong, and she wanted to say um yea just about everything but true to form Kelly was able to play it cool.
Alex broke and said, “Kel why do I feel like I am being pinched out here?”
Being taken back she hesitantly said, “No, it’s just I figured with your new assignment and all, I did not want to bother you.”
 Alex said with a sharp tone, “you know better than that.”  Kelly did not say anything, she felt herself being pulled back in and decided to wrap this conversation up. 
Kelly said, “lets promise to work harder at keeping in touch.”
“Sounds like a good plan to me.”
Still trying to wrap it up she said, “well I have a big meeting in the morning, I need to get to bed.”
Alex quickly said, “OK.”  Then before she could hang up he blurted out, “I may be coming out to San Francisco to visit over the summer.” Alex was feeling her out. 
Kelly’s heart started to beat fast, she did not know what to say.  She said, “wow, I bet your friends would be so happy to see you.”
He was crushed, he just said, “yeah, my friends.”  He went on and said, “I was thinking about the end of July do you think you will be around?”
It took all the courage and strength she had but she said, “well, I am not sure, I working in Pheonix more these days, there is now way to know this far out.  If you are in town let me know and we can try to get together.”
Crushed and shocked he said, “we will see.”
Kelly tried to lighten it back up and said, “well keep me in the loop, I am sure Emily and Brian would love to see you as well. Can you believe they are dating?”
Alex said felt so defeated, he said, “I know.”
Kelly still trying to keep it light said, “they look great together, I had no idea Brian was so much fun.”
“Yeah, he is a good guy.”  Brian, Emily’s new boyfriend had gone to law school with them and was in a lot of classes with Alex. 
Alex was getting pissed at Kelly she was being a bitch and he needed to hang the phone up so he could hit something, “I will let you go.”
Kelly said trying to sound cheery, “thanks for calling Alex.”

Kelly hung up and had a huge knot in her stomach, she hated being so nasty to Alex but she needed to let him go and as much as it hurt her.  She wondered if maybe they should not talk anymore.  Alex was not sure who he had just spoken to and thought about sending her a nasty email, but figured why bother he knew she was done with him.  He really thought they were making progress and hoped a reunion might be in order, but he could tell that was not a priority for her at all.  He actually decided to email Emily. 
For Kelly, the idea of seeing Alex again, still scared her to death.  She knew if she saw him she would not be able to stand her ground. 
Later that week Kelly went out with Emily.  Emily casually mentioned that Alex had emailed her. 
Kelly said, “that’s random.”  Knowing fully he was fishing for information. 
Emily said, “yeah, he filled me in on his new assignment, sounds right up his alley.”
 Kelly said, “isn’t it perfect for him.”
Emily cut to the chase and just said, “what’s up with you two?”  She
Kelly said nothing then after a minute she said, ”we are friends I guess.”
Emily said, “Kelly you are talking to me, I know how much you loved him.”
“Emily I don’t want to talk about this.”
 Emily shrugged her shoulders and said, “OK it’s just we never talk about it.”
Kelly hesitated and said, “ we are friends I guess, he wants to string me along I think and I am done with that, I need to move on Emily, it is just too hard.”
They ordered drinks and Emily said, “what really happened?”  Kelly gave her the quick version.   
Emily was very surprised, “Kel I am sorry I really thought he loved you he adored you.”
Kelly said, “he did and maybe he does, but he is not in the same place that I am, I was playing for keeps and I am not sure what he wanted, I refuse to be one of his groupies.”
Emily said, “well he asked how you were, which I found strange.”
“Can you just tell him I am fine, I honestly don’t know how to be his friend, I tried, I can’t I want it all”
“God, Kelly I am so sorry.”  There was a pause and Emily said, “let me fix you up?”
Taking a sip of her martini Kelly said, “I don’t know.”
Emily said, “I have someone in mind, lets double.”   
“A double I can do, no more blind dates though.  So what else did Alex have to say?”
Emily said, “nothing really, but I could tell he was trying to get a read on you.” 
Changing the subject Kelly said, “She said how is Brian?”
Emily lit up, “good, great, perfect.”
Kelly said, “that is awesome, new love is the best.” 
Emily said, “he wants me to move in with him, and I think I might.”
Kelly said, “that’s great Emily.”
They had a few more martinis and realized they forgot to get dinner.  Kelly commented that she preferred a liquid diet sometimes.  When Kelly got home and Facebooked that she had a great time with Emily at Sullivan’s and put up a fabulous picture of the two of them.  She checked out Alex’s page and saw that he had not really been on much. 
Kelly started a new merger and she did have to be in Phoenix every so often.  She also took a week off in July and went home, which she really enjoyed.  She got a message from Alex, saying the picture of them was great they were too hot for San Francisco.  He said he was coming the last week of July and hoped she could fit him in her schedule. Kelly knew that was a dig.  He said he was staying with Nick.  She got that feeling in her stomach again.  She did not respond for a few days, and when she finally did, she must have drafted it 100 times and had Kristy proof it each time she wrote, "thanks I adore Emily we have such a great time together.  That is actually a tough week for me, I am supposed to be in Phoenix.  I will do my best to get back.  When you get in town give me a call."  Kelly did not want to be rude, but she had no intentions on seeing him. 
Kelly had her double date with Emily and Brian and to her surprise she actually liked this guy.  His name was Kevin and he was a lawyer as that was probably all Emily and Brian knew.   Kevin told her he thought he knew her from somewhere and she knew it was probably something with Alex but said she had no idea how.  He was doing corporate law  and doing very well.  He worked with Brian.  Kevin was very preppy and had grown up in San Francisco.  He seemed to be into her.  They started dating; he was very nice and took her to nice places.  She really wanted this to work.  Kelly went very slowly with him; he was a gentleman, so he let her take the lead.  They talked about work a lot, he was also a republican so politics was often a popular subject, she liked having someone to do things with and it worked out great because he was friends with Brian so they doubled a lot. 
Alex was all together annoyed with Kelly; he had never felt like that before.  He hoped that once he got there, face to face she would change her tune.  He was hanging out with Sarah, he was not sure you could classify it as dating, but they had fun together.  Alex was excited to go to San Francisco for a few days.  He had emailed Kelly to see if there was any way she could pick him up at the airport, he knew it was forward of him, but he wanted some one on one time with her desperately.  When she got his email she totally panicked she had hoped he would not even come out.  She was not going to pick him up from the place where he left her high and dry.  Kelly figured if he needed picked up, then he would not have a car so there for he could not really just show up.  She responded that she wished she could, but she would be in Phoenix till the next day but she hoped they could cross paths while he was there. 
Kelly knew she would not be in Phoenix, she hated lying as she was so bad at it but there was no way she picking him up and she still did not think she even wanted to see him, after the last time she tried to see him she totally panicked.   She called Emily to fill her in on Aaorn’s visit, as she thought he might catch up with her or Brian and her story had to stick.  Emily told her she should see him, and be very casual she was dating someone now and maybe she should have Kevin with her that way nothing can happen.  Kelly was not sure; she did not want to hurt Alex.  She put it out of her mind it was a few weeks away. 
Kelly was super busy between work and Kevin and she had started running again.  Her radiation was over and her last mammogram showed great results.  She did tell Kevin about the breast cancer scare and he was very thoughtful and it did not seem to bother him, he was very respectful.  Things were going very well.  She met Kevin’s family they were nice, they were pretty well to do; she could tell he came from money which was not a bad thing.  As time went on she got more and more comfortable with him.  She looked forward to his calls, and he was very sweet.  He even went to Phoenix with her, which was nice; they made a mini vacation out of it.  They had fun together, the chemistry was sketchy, there was some passion but he did not make her jump out of her skin, but he was very good to her, they have a great friendship and she thought maybe that is all you need, a best friend. 
Alex got into town as scheduled and texted Kelly, “let me know when you get back to San Francisco.”  She got it and hated lying but what else could she do.  She ignored the text.  Kelly kept to her side of the town, and stayed at Kevin’s for a couple nights.  Rachel picked Alex up as she moved back to San Francisco months ago.  They had dinner and caught up.  Rachel asked if he ever heard from Kelly and he said not recently I think I am being pinched out, she told him not to sweat it.  She told him she thought she saw her once at a restaurant but was not sure, as it did not look a lot like her.  Alex said, “well she got her hair cut short.”  Rachel said “oh well then maybe but she was with Kevin, but I was too far away to know for sure.”  Rachel asked if had met anyone he said maybe, he was taking it slow with one of his physical therapists.  She said she was not having much luck herself, he told her she was a good girl it would happen. 
Rachel dropped him off at Nicks.  They had plans to go to a basketball game the next night but he hoped he would hear from Kelly.  He told Nick what Rachel had said.  Nick said, “you know I have not talked to anyone from that crew so I have no idea.”  Alex texted Emily and Brian to see if they wanted to meet for drinks while he was in town.  He was trying to get a bunch of people he knew to meet up while he was there.  Emily called Kelly and asked if she was going and Kelly said, “hell no.”  Kelly went on to say,  “actually I have not even told him I am in town.”  Emily told her she was being ridiculous. 
Kelly knew she was being silly but she just wanted him to go back to DC, she was a nervous wreck.  That whole crew got together the next night; he had tried to call her but figured she was still in Phoenix.  Kevin was planning on going and really wanted her to go and Kelly did not want him to go without her, she had never told him about Alex and this could be very bad. 
That day she was going to tell Kevin but it just did not happen.  Emily and Brian got their before them and Alex hugged Emily and said, “where is your partner in crime, I can’t seem to get her for the life of me.”  Emily said, “I think she is coming by later.”  Alex said, “I thought she was in Phoenix.”  Nervously Emily said, “I am not sure what her week was like but she texted me today that she was coming.”  Emily hating lying, but this was Kelly’s mess to clean up. 
A couple hours later, Kelly and Kevin were walking in.  As they walked in the door Kelly saw him, talking with friends at the bar, she thought she was going to throw up.  Kevin said, “are you OK?”  Kelly said “no” and turned around.  Alex saw the back of Kevin’s head but did not put it all together.  Kevin grabbed her and said, “Kelly what the hell is going on.”  She started to cry, and went to Kevin’s car. 
He got in and said, “you are freaking me out.”
Kelly said, “I am so sorry, I have not been honest with you.”
“Kelly what are you talking about.”
“I use to date Alex, and we are very much not together but I just can’t see him.”
Shaking his head Kevin said, “that is where I saw you before.”
“I just can’t,” was all Kelly could get out.
“When did you two break up?”
“Over a year ago.”
 Sounding confused Kevin said, “what’s the big deal, he is not a monster, he is a good guy.”
“I know exactly who he is, he wanted to get together for the last few days, but I just can’t I know it ridiculous but I just can’t.  He left me here Kevin and I guess I am not over it.”
 Kevin looked at her and said, “I don’t get it, are you in love with him?”
“Well no but….”
“But what Kelly I am very confused and not thrilled that you lied to me. What’s going on here?”
Kelly snapped and said, “nothing, can we just go.”
“Yeah I think we should,” he said sounding very annoyed.
 He took her to her place and they went in together silently.
 Kevin finally broke the silence and said, “are you OK?”
 Kelly took a deep breath and said, “yes and thanks for understanding .”
“Oh Kelly, I don’t understand and I am not sure what to think.  I won’t play second best, if you are in love with him you need to tell me.”
 Getting worked up again Kelly said, “Kevin I like you so much, I am having a blast, I want to see where we are going.”
Kevin said, “but what.”
She said, “no but.”
Kevin raised his voice a little and said, “no what you wanted to say was but if I see him I will leave you.”
“What?” was all Kelly could get out.
Kevin stood up and said, “I am going to go because I am getting very angry and we can talk tomorrow. “
Kelly “kissed him and he said, you have some thinking to do little girl.”
“I am so sorry Kevin.”
“Kelly, what were you going to do go there with me and let him or someone else tell me that you were his girl that would have been real nice.” 

She was crying.  When he left she got a text form Emily that said, “where the hell are you.”
Kelly texted back, “not coming, sorry.”
Emily texted, “are you ok?”
Kelly texted, “no.”
Emily said she was coming over and Kelly said no, have fun.  Emily insisted that they were coming over. 
Emily and Brian went to say bye to Alex.  Alex looked at Emily and said, “she is not coming is she?”
 “I don’t think.”
 Looking sad Alex said,  “what’s going on?”
Emily said, “you need to talk to her.”
Alex swallowed and said, “is she with someone?”
Emily said, “talk to her Alex.”
“She won’t’ answer my calls.” 
Emily hugged him and Brian said, “these chicks are crazy, go back to DC and forget about San Francisco girls they are a different breed.” Emily hit him. Alex would go to her place but he had no idea where she lived and if she did not want to see him this badly then to hell with her. 

Alex texted her, “ what the hell did I do to deserve this?”  Then wished he could take it back. 
Kelly was not over him moving to DC, she texted back, “your still doing it.”

Emily got there and Brian told Kelly she was nuts, and that Alex was devastated. 
Kelly said, “Brian, he left me, he wants to have his cake and eat it to, I can’t do it, I love him and if I see him we will start this whole cycle again.”
 Brian said, “how do you know he does not just want to say hi.”
 At that moment she got another text that said “Kelly, I need to see you.”  Kelly held her phone up and showed it to Brian and he said, “keep me out of this and turned the TV on.”
Emily said, “Kelly he is only here one more day.   I think he is pissed.”
Kelly said under her  breathe, “well join the club Alex.”
“Kelly are sure this is really how you want to end things with him?”
“I have tried every other way and I am the one who gets hurt, you know the saying you can’t be friends with ex’s well it applies I can’t, all or none.”
Kelly said, “go, I am fine, I just hope Kevin does not hate me.”
 Brian said “Kevin will be fine, call him in the morning and try being honest.”
Emily hugged her and said, “I am calling you in the morning. “
 Just then there was a knock at the door and Kelly said, “I hope that is Kevin.”  It was not Kevin it was Alex. Kelly got real pale and said, “oh my god.”
Emily said, “maybe we should stay,” to Brian.
Brian said, “no maybe we should leave and leave fast.”  Brian said to Alex, “long time no see buddy.”  and Alex shook his head. 
Kelly looked at Emily like a child whose mother was dropping her off at the school bus for the first time, she was panicked. 

Alex said, “what the hell is going on Kelly.”
 Kelly did not say anything and Emily said, “that is our queue,” and they left.
Alex said to Kelly ignoring Brian and Emily completely, “I don’t understand, what happened, why are you hiding from me?” 
“I am not hiding.”
“Kelly, I am not sure what you call this then.” 
Confused Kelly said, “how did you know where to go?”
“It’s not hard to find addresses out.”
Kelly said, with tears in her eyes, “Alex what do you want from me.  What do you want, I have nothing to offer, what do you want?  I tried the friendship thing it does not work for me, I wish it did but it doesn’t.  I don’t know what you want.  Do you want me to hang on your every word, and hope that you are going to just come back because I tried that, it did not work out so well for me.” 
He went towards her and she backed away, “are you afraid of me?”
“God no, I am afraid of me, I can’t do this, I just can’t and I can’t see you because I know what will happen.”  He said, “I regret it is that what you want to hear.”
“No, what I want and need to hear is you say you understand and you are going to go away.  Alex so much has happened, so much time has passed there is no going back.”
Alex innocently said, “says who?”
“Says me.   You left me.”
 Alex said quickly, “you told me to.”
“Alex you left me.”
 He went to say something and Kelly interrupted and said, “I am fine, I am finally moving on, I need to move on this is not healthy. Do you want to know that the last year of my life has been hell, is that what you want to hear?  Do you want to hear that I had breast cancer?  Do you want to know that I came to see you in DC and watched you on stage and ran away like a two year old?”  Do you want to know that I have met someone and because tonight I walked in a bar and saw you I could not go in?   Is that what you want to know?”  Kelly had tears flowing down her cheeks.
Alex got pale and looked in her eyes and said, “I don’t even know you anymore do I?”  Not sure what to say and feeling overwhelmed all he could get out was “cancer what?”
 Still crying and trying to gain composure Kelly said “it’s not your problem.”
 “Kelly, please, I had no idea.”
“Alex a lot has happened we are not the same people.”
 Alex moved towards her again. 
“No, I can’t be that girl again, that girl got screwed.”
 “Are you going to punish me forever?”
“Is that what you think I am doing?  You can go and not feel bad, I am OK, I am so much stronger, don’t feel bad, I am fine, better than fine.”  She was slowly gaining her composure she wiped her face on her sleeve.
“So this is really it,” Alex said while shaking his head.
“Alex, it has to be, god it has to be.”
“Kelly, I don’t know what to say,” and he went towards her again, wanting to comfort her. 
With her arms folded across her chest she said, “no, just go.  Forget about me.”
“Well I am glad you can, but I know I won’t ever forget you and for the last time, I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you, you are the last person I would ever hurt.  You have done such a good job at making this all about you, I know you got hurt, and I know I made a few mistakes, but there are two of us in this room, and if you sleep better at night blaming me for everything, by all means you keep blaming me but we both know the truth.”
“OK, you are probably right, but I believed in my heart that this was the real thing, and like it or not I did get hurt.   I am sorry for sending you the wrong signals, I thought we could be friends, I even wanted to be friends and it was easy to do with you across the country but when we are face to face, I just break down.  Words cannot express how badly I want sit on your lap and have you hold me and tell me everything will be OK, but I know it won’t be, you are there, I am here and too much time has passed.”  Kelly was sobbing again. 
Alex said still looking like he had been slapped, “well, I will leave you alone, I am so sorry Kelly so sorry, I will do what you want, because you don’t deserve this, I am sorry.”  He had tears in his eyes which killed Kelly. 
“Whoever gets you is a lucky man and I hope he is a better man than I was.” 

Kelly was really crying now.  She watched him wheel out.  She wondered how he got there, should she see if he needed her to call a cab, but then it occurred to her that he is not hers to worry about.  Kelly put herself to sleep crying. 
Nick picked Alex up.  Alex did not say much he just said, “dude I have no idea how I got here, how did this happen?” 
Nick said, “I am sorry, I know this was not what you wanted.”
“That is just it, it’s not, but she truly believes that this is what I wanted.”
Alex went to bed a defeated man and for the first time knew in his heart he would probably never say the words “Hey Kel” again. 


  1. OMG!!!!! Please update soon!!!!

  2. Oh, WOW . . . Is this REALLY what Kelly wants, deep in her heart?

    I shall hold my breath until your next chapter comes!! :)

  3. Very enjoyable update! The plot thickens and my heart melts for Alex and Kelly!

    Can't wait to read whatever comes next! :)

  4. Aww the raw emotions!!! Please update soon!! :D

  5. Thanks for the update... lots of drama! Kelly needs to lighten up and give Alex a break, the guy is trying! I feel sorry for her because of the cancer and all, but she's been giving him a hard time for a while now. Can't wait for more.

  6. Very suspenseful and emotional. :D