I press the palms of my hands on the smooth, cool surface of the conference table and lean back in my chair, waiting for everyone else to arrive. I love Monday mornings. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s the best time for me to see Adam while there’s nothing else I need to do. At the weekly meeting I have nothing to contribute, so I can just sit and look at him all I want. He doesn’t know I’m watching him because he’s blind. Though there are times when he seems to sense he’s being looked at and can’t tell by whom.
In a small company full of engineers he is by far the most attractive. He is tall and lean with skin as smooth and supple as stripped willow bark. When it’s his turn to speak, I close my eyes and listen to the rich vibration of his beautiful voice, imagining it whispering in my ear, resonating against the thin skin of my lobe. His breath would send shivers racing over all my flesh.
As with most Mondays, people stumble in clutching cups of coffee and finding seats around the table. Adam always gets the same chair, the one closest to the door, so that he doesn’t trip on the tangle of chairs around the rest of the room. It’s his fingers that enter first, gripping the side of the door frame. He leans his white cane in the corner and walks confidently to his chair, touching its back to make sure it’s there and then touching the seat before he sits.
Adam has worked here a lot longer than I have and there is a whole system in place. Everyone knows him and knows how not to get in his way. When the meeting is over, he is the first to leave and people wait until he’s at his desk to start crowding the door.
He’s in hardware and it’s absolutely amazing to watch him work. From where I sit I can easily look over at him without anyone noticing. His desk is covered in components, little bits of computers, all arranged in neat rows and angles. His deft, long fingers pick out each piece with a quick glide across their edges.
There’s a plastic cabinet with tiny drawers labeled in Braille. Sometimes I get in before anyone else and I run my fingers over the dots. I shiver as I feel the patterns like a secret picture, denting the surface of my skin. I think of his fingers over these same raised edges, gliding on the same cool plastic.
I find it fascinating to see how he accomplishes things. He has earbuds for both his smart phone and his computer. There are programs that will read out his texts, emails, or tech documents. When I first started working I got a quick training on interacting with Adam. If he has earbuds in, it’s okay to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention. Don’t move the furniture around and leave chairs out in the middle of the floor. Things like that. I haven’t had cause to use almost any of it.
I keep trying to find a good reason to talk to him, but so far the only thing I’ve managed is when I deliver his paycheck. Then I know to say, “Adam, it’s Lily. Here is your check” and hold the paper so it touches the edge of his hand. He always smiles his wide smile, which always inspires a smile on my face too.
It seems like he can tell sometimes when I’m staring at him. Even as he pauses and cocks his head, he can’t tell it’s me looking. I just watch quietly how his fingers glide across his desk, how he never quite grips the phone on his desk on the first try.
After work that evening I walk the short distance home to my one-bedroom apartment and throw a packet of rice in the microwave. Once I’ve eaten and watched TV for a while, I climb into my bed alone and wrap myself tight in my big white comforter. I curl up my legs in their silky soft pajama bottoms and fall asleep.
Overcome with the desire that has bubbled through my day, I dream immediately of Adam. I know it is him, though I’m not sure how I know. As though, like him, I can see almost nothing. A smoky darkness swirls around my senses, but I can feel a man touching me. His hands are strong and they graze down the sides of my face, over my bare arms and torso. I feel as though I am floating and Adam’s grip is the only solid thing tethering me there.
A moment passes, or maybe an hour, and his lips are on mine. They are soft, but forceful, and so full that they cover my mouth completely. We are tumbling through space together, our bodies touching all the way down their lengths.
I wake panting, my skin slick with a thin layer of sweat. My breath is shallow and catches in my throat. I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve got to find a way to get his attention and try to make my dreams become reality.
When I like a guy, I have only one trick up my sleeve. The only thing I know to do to get his attention. I invite him to hang out at my place to watch a movie. I sit on the couch next to him and I hope for the best. This has never led to something before, but I keep thinking that it will. Would it be insensitive to invite a blind guy to watch a movie?
I don’t know what else to try, so the next day I bide my time and wait until nearly everyone has gone home. As he starts to pack up for the evening, I walk over as casually as I can, aware that there are still a few stragglers in cubicles around the office.
“Hey, Adam,” I say when I reach his desk.
His face turns towards me, but his unfocused gaze is over my head. “Lily?” he says.
“Yeah,” I say. Standing close to him I can smell his skin that’s like the bark of a tree after it rains. “I was wondering,” I stumble on, “if you would like to come over and watch a movie with me tonight? You know, just for fun or whatever.”
He smiles in my general direction. “Sounds nice,” he says. "Do you mind if I bring a friend?"
"Oh," I say, stalling for time. I guess my seduction is not going to work very well. At least it will be a chance to spend some time with him outside of work, though. "Sure, " I say, hoping he doesn’t mean a girlfriend.
“Text me the address,” he says.
“Okay,” I say, biting my lip. “Um, see you soon, then.”
I walk home with a lump in my stomach. This is not turning out how I had hoped. There’s a misty rain coming down and I fold my arms tight against my chest while I walk. As I open the door to my apartment, I wonder what I should do to prepare before Adam gets here. First I kick some shoes out of the middle of the floor, then I light a cranberry scented candle leftover from the holidays. The smell quickly swells through my small home.
There’s a knock on the door and I press the palms of my hands below my eyes for a moment. I have to make sure that I don’t act disappointed, that neither Adam nor his friend realizes that I had hoped to have a steamy evening alone with him.
When I open the door, Adam is standing by himself in the dim hallway. I lean out and look around, but no one else is there.
“Where is your friend?” I ask.
"Isn't he here?" Adam asks, making as if to look around.
"Huh?" I say.
"Sorry," he says, "Blind guy humor. Forgive me." He reaches towards the opening of my apartment and I step back out of the way.
“The couch is over here,” I say and he turns towards my voice. He leans his white cane next to the front door and steps closer to me, keeping one hand lightly on my wall. He finds the couch and sits down. I sit too, keeping several inches between us. I still feel self-conscious about showing a movie to a blind guy and I'm not sure what I should be doing.
Trying to keep my voice from shaking, I say, “What would you like to watch?”
“Nothing with subtitles,” he says with a grin and I smile too.
“I was thinking that I haven't seen the Doctor Who Christmas Special yet.”
“Perfect,” he says.
I turn on the TV and find my saved shows. While it plays, I look at Adam. He is somewhat stiff, not relaxed into the couch. The hand farther from me is tracing one finger along the edge of the couch in what looks like a nervous gesture. As the final credits roll, his hands tense up.
The music on the TV is still playing when Adam says, “I have a confession to make.”
I wait, my stomach suddenly turning very tight, afraid of what he might be about to say. He continues, “I've liked you for a long time."
I am too stunned to say anything. How incredible that he has had feelings for me all this time that I've been hiding feelings for him. My evening is back on track.
"Don't leave me hanging here," he says with a nervous laugh and I remember that he can't see my reaction.
“I like you too,” I whisper. “That's why I invited you.”
He smiles and slides his hand along the couch, searching me out. When he doesn't find me, he says, "Where'd you go?"
I scoot myself closer and pull up on my skirt until the edge of my bare thigh is touching his hand. He lifts his face and sort-of looks at me. When he is facing me, he actually has his head slightly tilted and his ear is turned more towards me than his eyes are.
"Why did you ask to bring a friend?" I say, my curiosity overwhelming me.
"I didn’t realize your place was so close. I thought I'd need someone to drive me.”
That makes sense. He is so close to me now, exactly as I’d been imagining since I first joined the company and I can resist him no longer. I put one hand on the back of his neck and pull him towards my face, pressing my lips against his.
His mouth is softer than I expected and the kisses are as gentle as velvety rose petals brushing against my lips. I grasp the back of his neck with both hands, pushing my fingers into his hair, and his hands find the sides of my face. As his lips part, I taste hazelnut and coffee on his breath. An urgency grabs hold of me and I kiss him more frantically. Breathlessly I whisper, “Should we move this to the bedroom?”
The expressions on his face are difficult for me to read. They aren't quite the same as anyone else's. He seems startled. After a moment he says, “Definitely. Lead the way. Let me hold your elbow and warn me if I’m going to bump into a wall.”
I stand and blow out the cranberry candle. Then I reach for his arm, guiding his hand to my elbow.
I walk us both straight to the bed and we stand side by side with the fronts of our legs pressed against it. Beside me he says, “Just yesterday I jerked off thinking of your perfume.”
“Really?” I smile and my eyebrows rise in surprise. I am startled to find that thinking of him touching himself has my panties getting wet.
“Yes,” he says.
I squeeze his arm. With my voice lower and raspier than usual, I say, “Show me.”
His head tilts, then he smiles. I lay back on the bed while he leans over me, one hand on the headboard and the other unzipping and sliding down his pants. His boxer briefs tent as his cock strains against the fabric and seeing the effect I’ve had on his body has me bursting with warm aches. A little strangled gurgle escapes my throat. I fill him with that need.
He pulls out his cock, already firm, and wraps his fingers into a ring at its base. He leans a little closer and I see his nostrils flare as he takes in my scent. In a slow rhythm he slides his fingers up and down the long shaft.
Before long, groans of pleasure are escaping his lips. Each one coaxes new moisture from my body until I am dripping through my white panties and the ache inside me has grown to a roar. “I want you inside me right now,” I say.
He releases his grip on himself and digs a condom out of the pocket of his pants that are lying on the floor. With it on, he climbs into the bed, feeling his way so he doesn't crush me. “Take off your shirt,” I say, as I peel off my clothes.
“Is yours off?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say and I take his hand, putting it against my naked breast. His fingers are wonderfully warm against my delicate skin. As he massages the flesh of my breasts, I feel tingling increasing all over my body. Aching for connection, I grip his butt with my feet and pull him closer.
He uses his hand as a reference to guide his cock into me. I gasp as he fills me up completely, the walls of my pussy stretched tight. He pushes into my again and again, stretching his whole back into it each time and raising his chin. I grab the back of his head and pull him down into a kiss. Warmth radiates through me, centered on my groin.
His thickness fills me again and again, sliding along the most sensitive parts of my body. Tendrils of pleasure dance through my body and I moan. He leans close and I dig my fingernails into the thick flesh of his shoulders. The stronger I grip him, the tighter my pussy becomes and the sensations take on a life of their own, carrying me away on a swell of pure ecstasy.
His breath against my ear increases its pace and he cries out as he comes. The sound of his pleasure pushes me over the edge and I am rocked by spasms throughout my pussy. He rolls off me and we lay side by side panting for a while. Absently he rubs my arm while I snuggle my head against his shoulder. Through the misty fog of my contented brain I say, "What is it like? To be blind?"
"I don't know,” he answers. “ What is it like to see?"
I think about that for several minutes. "I suppose," I say, "it is knowing the spacial relation of objects more readily."
He squeezes my arm affectionately. "Spoken like a true engineer," he says.
I laugh. “Must be too much time around you guys,” I say, since I’m only the administrative person and not an engineer.
After he goes to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and clean up, we fall asleep with my arm across his bare chest and my boobs pressed into his side. I sleep deep and peacefully as I always do after an intense orgasm.
In the morning I wake when he presses a button on his phone and the time chimes out in an electronic voice. "We're going to be late," he says.
“Mmmmm,” I say with a sleepy smile. “What’s a little more, then?” I slide my hand down his body to his morning-hard cock and rub it gently with my fingers. He moans and turns back towards me, seeking out my boobs with his lips. Gently he pinches the flesh of my chest with his teeth.
I feel shivers jumping on all my nerve endings and my nipples are as hard and pointy as the tip of an acorn. I grip his shaft more tightly and he moves his face to the crook of my neck, groaning. I hear as he breathes deeply from my collarbone and whispers, “Your natural scent is even more beautiful than your perfume.”
“Hurry,” I say, “So we're not too late.”
“But are you ready?” he says, dragging his chilly fingers down my bare stomach, goosebumping the skin as he goes, up over my mound and sinking into the dark, wet recesses of my body.
“Wow,” he says, “I guess you are.”
“Yes,” I say, “Yes, yes, take me now.”
He climbs over me and plunges into my ready opening. Even though I know what he feels like from last night, the pleasure is still a surprise. It's like firecrackers of joy bursting open within me. While he holds onto my shoulders and slides in and out of me, I look up at his face. His unfocused eyes fascinate me. He seems to be able to concentrate on the sensations of love making because he isn't distracted by sight.
“Hurry,” I say, raising my head to whisper it near his ear.
Faster and faster he pounds and the bed creaks beneath us. My fingers grab hold of his butt and dig in, holding on for the ride. He comes more violently this time, a wild cry piercing from his lips. He grabs hold of me and wraps his arms tight around my body, his cock still shivering within me. Spasms grip his body in waves for several minutes.
At last he gingerly removes himself and sits beside me. “Time to get to work,” I say.
“Do you want to shower?” he asks.
“No,” I say, leaning close to him. “I want to smell like sex all day.”
Not only smell it, but I know the beautiful feeling of having recently been stretched and filled will linger with me also. Adam laughs and squeezes my hand. Then he kneels down and feels for his clothes.
We walk to work together. The early morning haze has already burned off and the sun is bright. His cane slides across the path in front of us in a tight arc. “Work is going to be interesting,” I murmur, but I'm secretly excited for it. I feel proud and I don't care who knows what Adam and I have been up to.
When we arrive, I am glowing. I expect to be greeted with winks or knowing looks, but no one is paying any attention to us. Something has happened. The boys are gathered in clumps instead of at their desks.
“Something’s going on,” I whisper to Adam and separate from him to walk up to one of the groups. “What’s up?” I ask.
They turn to me with big grins and one of the guys says, “It’s Stephanie. It turns out that she’s been sleeping with both Peter and Dave. They just found out about each other.”
“Can you believe she was that dumb?” Another of the guys says.
I can feel the blood draining from my face. At that moment our boss, Mr. Bask, comes out of his office and says, “Okay, in the conference room now.”
Peter and Dave are already there, glowering at one another across the table. Stephanie sits on one far end next to Mr. Bask. Her arms are crossed and her head is down. She looks mortified.
The rest of the people filter in. I don’t get my usual seat across from Adam, but am several chairs down. The atmosphere is tense. Once we’re all seated Mr. Bask says, "My preference is not to know what you guys do outside of the office, but unfortunately we have a situation that is interfering with the work." He looks almost as uncomfortable as Stephanie. "I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I will need to implement a policy against office dating."
My fingers dig into my chair. I bite my lip and glance at Adam from the corner of my eye. He has just the hint of a wrinkle between his brows. Frustration wells up in me. I finally get up the nerve to go after what I want and Stephanie has to go and ruin it for me.
The rest of the day is almost like all the days since I started here, just looking at Adam and longing. Now, though, I know what he feels like. I’ve seen that body naked and I’ve felt it reach into me. Most of the day I sit at an angle that presses my clit against my chair. My body already aches to feel him again. I wonder what he thinks of this, but there is no way for me to find out. Throughout the day I agonize about it, but Adam is silent.
It isn't until I get home that evening that Adam sends me a text. No one has to know. I realize then that he couldn't send a text or email at work, since he would have to speak out loud and have software translate it to text.
Okay, I type back. We'll keep it secret.
The next morning I go into work early. When I open the door, the room is dark. No one has come in yet to turn on the lights. But then I see the back of Adam's head outlined as my eyes adjust. My hand is already outstretched towards the light switch, but I stop. Instead of turning it on, I put down my purse and walk in the dark towards Adam's desk.
I reach out and touch his shoulder and he places a hand over mine.
"Careful," he says.
"There's no one else here," I said, leaning into his back, resting my forehead between his shoulder blades. His hand tightens on mine.
“In that case,” he says, “Is there somewhere private we can go?”
I pick up his hand and move it to my elbow, guiding him to the back supply closet. He seems nervous, like he doesn’t quite trust me to guide him without running him into something. The door creaks open as I push it and we slide in next to shelves full of pieces of computers. Moving further in, the door shuts behind us.
“What’s the lay of the land here?” he says.
“There’s an empty wall,” I say suggestively. I take one of his hands and hold it to the wall. He grazes his long fingers across the smooth plaster, then suddenly both his hands are on my hips. I squeal as he presses me up against the wall and hikes me up, my skirt lifting and scrunching at my hips. He holds me with one strong arm and with the other he squeezes the flesh of my upper thigh. He quickly discovers that I’m not wearing anything beneath my skirt.
I gasp as his thick length forcibly stretches me, pushes into me with a slick squish of liquid. Behind his back, I loop my legs and hold on tight. As he moves in and out of me, my head slides up and down the wall and my shoulder blades press into the plaster. With one hand I grab hold of the shelf beside me to help me hold on. Each time he pushes into me, I bounce up a little and the energy spent to keep me up adds a layer of excitement. The angle we're at rubs me just right, but I don't make a sound. We are both silent, always listening in case someone else arrives at the office. The only sound is my hair thumping against the wall.
When I come with a rush of liquid gushing from me, I stifle my moans against the shoulder of his shirt, biting through the cloth. He releases me and I slide down his body until my feet are on the floor again. He smiles and I giggle. Before we leave the closet, I peek around the door to make sure we are still alone. We are, so we both make our way to our desks and start work, pretending we've been busy.
Once everyone else arrives, Adam goes back to ignoring me. I can't figure out how to behave around him. This is so much more complicated than it was. I never would have thought I'd prefer to go back to the way things were before, but daydreaming about him was so much easier than whatever this is.
We all go out for drinks after work on Friday. I wonder if Adam even knows I’m there. He is ignoring me so completely that it’s hard for me to believe that this is the same man who was in my apartment last night pounding into me, groaning how perfect I was.
I wonder why I’ve come here at all. The guys get talking about cars and beer and I sit in the corner quietly. I want to be able to sit next to him. I want to have his hand on my thigh while we’re out with friends like this.
I attempt to slide my foot against his under the table where no one will see, but he moves his out of the way.
My body seems to be humming like too much voltage is sizzling through me. I expect that if he touched me right now there would be a cackle of blue sparks shooting from the point of contact.
I shouldn’t go to these things. But if I just go home I’m going to feel annoyed that he’d rather be here than with me alone.
Why can’t I understand what he’s thinking? This is so frustrating. I realize that night, watching him socializing with all his buddies, that I can't do this. I can't live a secret.
“I'm going to go,” I say quietly to the engineers around me and scoot out of the booth.
“See you on Monday, Lily,” several of them say as I leave. Adam is silent.
I go home and get in the shower, trying to wash the disappointment off of myself. My hope for what could have been between Adam and me is running down the drain with the scalding hot water. My skin is turning red from the heat and the steam rising into my face feels wonderful. It can almost remove the sting of Adam's indifference.
I get out and towel off with the thickest towel I own. Its soft folds envelope me and comfort my softened skin. I begin to blowdry my hair and the heat tingles against my face. I barely hear the knock at the door over the whir of the dryer. Shutting off the hairdryer, I wrap the towel around my body and go to the peephole.
Adam is standing outside, his fingers nervously sliding along his white cane. Since it's him, I don't worry about wearing only a towel and I open the door. His head tilts at the sound of it opening and he says, “Lily?”
“Yes,” I say. “It's me.”
“Can I come in?” he says.
“I don't think so,” I say, and it is hard for me to force the words out. He is so handsome and I want to reach out and grab him, drag him to my bedroom. I have to be strong, though. “I can't keep going like this. It's too difficult,” I say.
Adam sighs. “I know it sucks,” he says, “But what else can we do?”
“Nothing,” I say. “I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I really appreciate the time we've had together, though.”
“Me too,” he says, looking disappointed. He holds out his left hand and finds my arm, running his fingers up and down the bare flesh. I wonder what he is reading on my skin.
“Goodnight, Adam,” I say. “I'll see you on Monday.”
I watch as he leaves, tapping his cane on the stairs at the end of the hall.
Work becomes more challenging in the next weeks, but luckily the company holiday party is coming up and I have a lot of work to do to get it ready. I'm able to throw myself into the planning and leave the office most days to pick up alcohol or decorations or look for caterers.
The day of the party I put on my softest dress and it makes me sad to think that Adam won't get to touch it. Already I'm thinking that maybe I should start looking for a new job. I've poisoned my own environment and it is more difficult every day to see him. I'm not even sure I want to go to the party at all. But I have to be there since I organized it. I will need to make sure the food arrives and that the cups don't run out.
I'm the first to arrive so I can finish setting up. Before long the boys begin to show up with their dates. Stephanie comes with a new date that none of us have met before. She's the sort of woman who is never alone, desired by every man. I wonder if she's going to cause more drama tonight.
Adam comes in with Dave and neither of them have dates. Throughout the evening I watch Adam, but keep on the other side of the room from him. I notice that he drinks only a couple of beers. He listens to the music and sways on the side of the dance floor.
“Lily,” Peter says and I start, realizing that I've been staring again.
“Yes?” I say.
“Is there more vodka?”
I look over to the bar and see that it's somewhat depleted. “Yes,” I say, “Let me go get it from the back.”
It's when I'm distracted arranging new bottles of alcohol at the bar that Adam gets close to me. Rather than seeing him first, I hear his soft breath as he sniffs the air near me. I turn slowly and he is right in front of me, standing much closer than just a friend would.
“Lily?” he says.
“What are you doing?”
He reaches forward with tentative hands until he finds my shoulders, uses them as a guide up my neck until he is holding my face, cradling it in both hands. With his thumbs, he touches the soft skin of my lips on both sides.
“Damn the consequences,” he says and presses his lips on mine.
Every sense in my body bursts into action, sending tickles of pleasure all through me, right down to the tips of my fingers and toes.
After several moments of kissing, he leans his forehead on mine and whispers, “Are people looking?” I open my eyes and see that, indeed, we are the center of attention. Even Stephanie has no one looking at her for once.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Let’s go back to your place right now,” Adam says, “Before they can find their tongues.”
I giggle. “Okay,” I say.
Back at my apartment, we aren’t even through the door before our lips are on each other’s and we’re clawing and grabbing each other’s bodies. I nearly drag him to the bedroom.
Before he says anything, I grab his belt and pull it out of his pants. I undo the pants and slide them down, eagerly grasping his cock in my hands.
“There's something I've been wanting to do,” I say. He frowns, but I don't warn him before I get down on my knees and wrap my lips around the head of his dick. He gasps in surprise and grabs hold of the edge of my bed. With my lips tight around him, I flick my tongue around the underside until precum is dripping down my throat.
Slowly I slip my mouth all the way down his length and his groans become louder. His sounds of pleasure are making my panties soak through. I move faster and faster, tugging with my lips. With one hand I move my fingers beneath his balls and tease the soft flesh with come-hither movements.
His groans lead me forward until warm cum is filling my mouth in gushes. I drink it down as fast as it pours out of him. He sinks down onto the edge of the bed and we both start to laugh. He feels for my arm, and gently pulls me to his side.
“Totally worth risking my job,” he says with a grin.
“Definitely,” I agree. I lay my head on his shoulder and sigh happily. I could not be more content than I am in this moment.