I’ve never felt like this about a guy before. Ever.
Not that I haven’t liked other guys. I have. But I’ve never been as attracted to a man as I am to Chris. I can be at work, looking over some spreadsheet on my computer, and he’ll pop into my thoughts, and I’ll instantly be wet. When we’re getting ready to meet up, I almost start salivating with anticipation. Just one touch from him and I’m basically ready to go.
Lest you think our connection is purely physical, I assure you that it isn’t. I actually really like him. He has about a thousand good qualities. For example, he’s incredibly smart. When we did actually go to the science museum, I could tell that he was the kind of person who knew about everything. We ended up having a detailed discussion about half the exhibits, and we only dragged ourselves away when the place was shutting down.
He’s also really, really funny. He’s not the kind of guy who’s the life of the party, because he’s much too shy for that. But he’ll make these little jokes that are just so clever and funny. And it’s extra special because I’m the only one who gets to hear the jokes, not everyone in the room like some of my more extroverted ex-boyfriends.
And he likes The Princess Bride. I mean, it isn’t his favorite movie or anything, and I wouldn’t expect it to be, because he’s a guy. But he likes it enough that he’s willing to indulge me by watching it with me at least once, and he doesn’t make any comments about Cary Elwes being a douchebag prettyboy.
He went through my DVD collection one day and we confirmed we have extremely similar taste in movies. He put my folder of DVDs on his lap and flipped through it, growing more and more excited. “Blade Runner… awesome…” he said. “2001… awesome. Alien and Aliens… awesome. The Fifth Element… great movie. Twelve Monkeys… awesome. Donnie Darko… really awesome…”
“I’m glad you approve,” I said. I said it a little sarcastically, but I was actually really thrilled he liked my movie collection.
“No Matrix?” he asked.
“It’s not that I don’t like the movie,” I explained to him. “It’s just that I feel like a movie needs to be consistent in its own universe. I can deal with elves or dwarves, as long as it’s consistent with the rest of the movie.”
Chris nodded. “I completely know what you mean. The plot of The Matrix was total bullshit.”
“It totally was,” I said. “I mean, how could the energy obtained from a human being possibly be more than the cost of keeping a human alive? It’s like the most inefficient way to get energy… ever.”
“Everyone always looks at me like I’m nuts when I point that out,” Chris said. Apparently, we’re soulmates. He flipped another page. “Gattaca? Okay, I have to respectfully disagree on that one. I didn’t like that movie at all.”
How could I tell Chris that I thought Gattaca was a cheesy movie too, but I absolutely loved the image of Jude Law in a wheelchair? I couldn’t, obviously. “It was a gift,” I lied.
I have hidden away an entire other album filled with DVDs that yank my dev chain. Each individual movie may not give away much, but all in one album, it’s pretty obvious what they have in common. I mean, what person under the age of 60 has a Marlon Brando movie in their collection? (Aside from The Godfather, that is.) But The Men, where Brando plays a paraplegic war veteran, is just so incredibly sexy.
Among the gems in my collection are Saved!, Murderball, The Waterdance, Coming Home, Rory O’Shea was Here, Quid Pro Quo, Sympathy for Delicious, The People vs. Larry Flynt, The Bone Collector, and of course, Avatar. I’ve also got a number of DVDs of episodes of an old show called Dark Angel and also Friday Night Lights.
There’s a little section in the back dedicated to Farrelly brothers movies—I swear, they’re a little bit devotees themselves. In Kingpin, Woody Harrelson plays a hand amputee; in There’s Something About Mary, there’s a guy with forearm crutches (turns out to be fake, yet still oddly hot); in Shallow Hall, there’s a guy with spina bifida; and even though Stuck on You was about conjoined twins, it somehow gave me a bit of that dev thrill.
I can’t even begin to imagine what Chris would think if he came across this particular collection. But he won’t. It’s well hidden.
Chris flipped another page in the album. “Holy shit! You have the Star Wars Christmas Special! We have to watch this right now.”
And we did. The bonus to watching a movie entirely in Wookiee with your boyfriend is that you get bored extremely quickly and start making out.
He likes to take care of me, which is something I really appreciate. When we were dating for a few weeks, he came to my apartment with a present for me: a small rectangular box. “Is it jewelry?” I asked him, shaking it next to my ear. It didn’t look quite like the right size for jewelry though.
Chris’s face fell. “You wanted jewelry?”
“No, I hate jewelry,” I said quickly, even though I absolutely do not hate jewelry. What girl does, seriously? Anyway, I opened it up and it was a brand new iPhone, the latest model. Chris was beaming and he offered to help me set it up, but I grabbed it from him and did it myself. I mean, it’s an iPhone 5, not anything complicated. And I have to admit that he was right: it was about a million times better than my old phone.
The worst thing about the phone is that Chris has now introduced me to about a hundred new games, some of which we play together. There have literally been hours when we sat next to each other on the couch, playing games against each other on our phones. Chris is really good at the staple games, like Words with Friends. And Scramble with Friends. And this game we play where you have to arrange lines to get a ball to reflect against it and eventually go through a tiny hole.
Now let’s get honest though. I’ve met plenty of guys who are smart and funny and sweet, but the real reason I’m so desperately attracted to Chris is his disability. I always thought it might not live up to the hype, but it really does. I mean, mostly. I love the way people look at us when we’re in public, I love sitting on his lap when he’s in the chair, I love watching him transfer, watching him stretch for things just out of his reach. And the truth is, I also sort of love how shy he gets about it all. It’s hard to explain exactly, but it just feels right.
But no, he does not know that I’m a devotee. I know it’s wrong that I haven’t told him, but I just get this feeling he might freak out. I should have probably said something from the start, but now I’m too scared of losing him. And does he really need to know?
“Omigod, of course he needs to know!” Kate says to me during about a thousand conversations. “Tell him now! The longer you wait, the worse he’s going to take it.”
“It’s not that important, is it?” I say, blinking innocently.
“Obviously it is important or else you would have told him,” she points out. “Tell him! Now!”
“But what if he freaks out and breaks up with me?”
Kate shakes her head at me. “Sam, he is way too crazy about you to break up. Believe me.”
It does seem like Chris is pretty crazy about me. He’s always buying me presents, like the iPhone or flowers or chocolate. It seems like we’re staying at that early infatuation period longer than in most relationships, although that might have something to do with the fact that we’re moving at a snail’s pace when it comes to our physical relationship.
Unlike every other single man I've ever dated in my entire life, Chris hasn’t been pushing me in the direction of sex. Which is ironic, considering I've never wanted to have sex with a man this badly. It wasn't that he didn't want to be physical with me. He did. When we were alone at my apartment or his, he'd be all over me, kissing me and what not. But nothing below the belt. Presumably he was being respectful or whatever, but seriously, we'd been dating for months.
One night we're at Chris's apartment and we're watching Cruel Intentions on TV. It just happened to be on, and I thought maybe all the sex in the movie might give him ideas. We're sitting on the couch, eating jiffy pop, and I'm leaning against him in a way that's nice and cozy. His body just feels so warm and comfortable to me.
Anyway, when we get to the scene where Ryan Philippe goes down on Selma Blair, I nudge him and say, "So is that something all guys do? Write the alphabet with their tongue?"
He shrugs. "Maybe if they're high school boys."
"Oh, is that so?" I tease him.
He shrugs again. "It's pretty uncreative, if you ask me."
"And you, I suppose, are the master of creativity," I say.
He looks down at me. Our eyes meet and I can tell he gets it. "I'm not too bad," he says, leaning close so I can feel his breath on my neck.
"Yeah?" I say. "Prove it."
Chris pauses a beat, then suddenly tackles me on the couch. I'm so startled that I screech, but he doesn't let me up. He kisses my neck, then moves to my chest, then down to my belly. He's been here before, but now that I know what's coming, it's almost unbearably hot. I help him out by pulling off my skirt and underwear, and then there's only air between his lips and my clitoris.
I'd always thought most of my boyfriends were decent at oral sex. I mean, you don't need to be some kind of rocket scientist to eat a girl out. But at this moment, I realize that they were all just rank amateurs. Chris is fucking amazing. He knows just how long to make me wait, just the right way to move his tongue, just the right way to touch the insides of my thighs. I think I might pass out before I have an orgasm, and when I do, it might be the best one I've ever had. And then right after, I have three more in quick succession.
Chris lifts his head and his lips are glistening. He's so freaking sexy. But seriously, how the hell is he so good at that? I get that he's paralyzed and all, but that was just above and beyond what I expected. I mean, if you're blind, maybe you develop better hearing, but it's not like you can hear people on other planets. Who was he perfecting his skills on all this time? Was it Jenna? And why am I ruining it for myself by thinking about this?
"That was absolutely amazing," I say.
He grins. "Better than the alphabet?"
I shake my head. "Better than anything I've ever experienced in my life."
"I really enjoyed it too," he says, running his hand along my bare thigh. "Nothing is more of a turn-on than giving a beautiful woman sexual pleasure."
At that moment, the words "I love you" jump to my tongue. I know it's much too early to say it, but I feel it so intensely that it takes a lot of effort to bite it back. I hope we get there eventually.
To be continued...