It was still raining when Shawn woke up Tuesday morning and for a moment he thought about how flooded the yard around the house probably was. Trish wasn’t next to him and he didn’t hear any sounds coming from outside his room. He blinked his eyes, then slowly tried to move his upper body a little to loosen his back which occasionally stiffened up at night. He tried to alternate his sleeping position every night, one night on his back, one night on his side but either way sometimes it caused him problems with his back locking up, and on some days he could barely move at all.
This was one of those mornings as he could feel his back locking up on him when he tried to prop himself up on his elbows, then on his hands.
He hissed through his teeth, “Fuck…”
He wanted to sit up but couldn’t. It was like an invisible force that kept him down and stiff as a board.
Just when he was going to call for Trish she appeared in the door, “Good Morning!”
He stayed down, just lifting his head momentarily to tell her Good Morning.
Trish came up to the bed, “How are you?”
She leaned down and kissed him and Shawn answered, “Well, I can’t get up right now.”
Trish looked at him alarmed, “What do you mean?”
Shawn explained the situation to her and Trish asked him, “What can I do?”
“Just help me stuff the pillows behind my back when I prop myself up. I can’t transfer right now.”
Shawn instructed her to squeeze the pillows in behind his back while he was forcing himself to sit up somewhat. He eventually sat up against the pillows, laying his head back.
Trish sat at the edge of the bed, “I’m sorry.”
Shawn smiled, “You don’t have to be sorry. Yeah, it sucks, but you don’t have to stay in here Trish…I’ll just lay here for a little while longer.”
She shrugged her shoulders, “I was working on some of my school stuff. Summer semester is almost over.”
“You can go back to your school stuff, I’m fine in here.”
“Call me if you need anything.”
She leaned over to him and kissed him softly on his mouth, then went back out into the kitchen to her school work.
Shawn eventually felt his back loosen up and he was able to sit up with less difficulties. His wheelchair was close to his bed and he scooted over to the edge of it and went to transfer into his chair.
He needed to get into the bathroom and when he wheeled out into the hallway Trish saw him from the kitchen and called, “Shawn, are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m better now.”
As Shawn was parked with his wheelchair next to the toilet and held the thin tubing of the catheter emptying his bladder he thought about catherization once again and how it had been a decision he had to make back in rehab. He had opted for intermittent catherization back then when he had to decide which way to go.
The other option would have been an indwelling Foley catheter, which would have stayed inside his bladder with a leg bag attached to it, emptying his urine into the leg bag in a constant flow. Shawn didn’t want to deal with that and even though with the intermittent catherization he did risk leakage in between draining his bladder he felt the intermittent catherization was less noticeable than an indwelling catheter. Sometimes he used the incontinence briefs for extra protection.
Even though he didn’t feel anything he still had a hard time watching himself inserting the catheter tubing into his urethra and imagining how it probably would have hurt when he still had sensations. Not too many guys really enjoyed having anything inserted into their penis. Never before in his life did he imagine that one day it would be part of his normal routine every day. Now he was relying on the thin tube to drain the urine from his flaccid bladder and he watched the yellow liquid flow through the tube into the toilet. He still hated it and even worse to have to manually stimulate his sphincter muscle every two or three days to trigger a bowel movement.
Shawn was able to get done with his shower without too much difficulty and felt good when he dried off, draped the towel over his lap and wheeled back to his room. He picked out some fresh clothes from his closet and threw everything on the bed. He transferred onto his bed and put on his clothes.
When he wheeled into the kitchen Trish looked up from her computer, “Hey, you look…” she smiled, “you look so fresh.”
He smiled and wheeled up to her, leaning over for a kiss.
He glanced over to her computer screen, “What are you working on?”
Trish explained her class work for a moment until Shawn took her bandaged hand in his and asked, “How is your hand?”
“It’s O.K. I took some more pain meds a while ago.”
“Hhm, if it hurts too much, you should take a break from typing.”
“I will in a little while.”
She shifted in her chair, “Are you hungry?”
“A little…I smell coffee.”
She poured Shawn a mug of coffee and set it on the table in front of him, “Do you want me to make you something to eat?”
“I can get it myself Trish. Thanks!”
She nodded and sat back down. After a moment Shawn carefully rolled up to the table with a bowl of dry cereal and a half gallon jug of milk on his lap. Trish was typing along as Shawn started eating and checking his phone.
Trish paused in her typing, “So what all do you have going on in the virtual world?”
“E-Mail, Facebook and some groups and stuff.”
Trish smiled at him, “Can I be your friend on Facebook?”
He grinned at her, “I don’t know.”
A few moments later he saw the friend request on his Facebook page and accepted with a click and a smile. While he was looking at Trish’s profile he saw her relationship status change to “in a relationship” with Shawn Callahan, his name appearing highlighted.
He glanced over at her, smiling, “Who is Shawn Callahan?”
Trish smiled and replied innocently, “He’s this really hot guy I met…I can’t stop thinking about him…I’m just sooo happy to be with him.”
Shawn looked down, “Is that so?”
Trish nodded, “Totally!”
They smiled at each other and Shawn changed his relationship status from single to “in a relationship” with Trish Brooks.
She smiled at him, “Copycat!” He shrugged his shoulders.
Trish asked, “So what kind of groups do you hang out in online?”
“Some Spinal Cord Injury Sites and message boards.”
Trish looked up, “What’s going on there on those boards?”
“Just people with Spinal Cord Injuries talking and stuff…I was on there a whole lot in the first couple of months after the accident, now I am an old timer welcoming the new people."
“Was it for support?”
“That and answers, trying to figure it all out, trying to find some people that maybe had advice on how to walk again…” His voice faded out and he sighed.
Lowly he added, “….well, of course that didn’t happen. I was very naïve for a while. I don’t know, maybe not naïve but definitely in denial.”
He swallowed and then said on a whole other note, “I really like that picture of you on your Facebook profile.”
“Thanks, yours is a good one too.”
Shawn’s picture was a close up of him. He had a sassy smile and looked very happy into the camera. When Trish scrolled through his photos there were only a few more of him but none in his wheelchair. She saw one with Jesse in it, another one where Shawn was tagged by his cousins, somewhere outside by a camp fire and holding a beer bottle in his hand.
She suggested lowly, “You should put up a picture with you in your wheelchair.”
Shawn looked up and said quickly, “Not going to happen.”
“Why not? Your chair is part of you Shawn and you don’t have to hide it. Do all of your friends even know?”
He gazed at her with dark eyes, “I’m not going to take a picture in this thing and you don’t have to worry about that, all right! The people I care about know, the rest of the world…I really don’t give a shit. I didn’t think I needed to go around telling the whole world that I am fucked up now because I took my truck off the road while I was speeding and wasted. I wasn’t going to put people in that situation, people telling me how sorry they are and shit…oh yeah, and then adding in my status update, that if anyone is wondering why they haven’t seen Chad Metschner around, I killed him!”
Shawn’s voice trembled and he dropped his phone on the table roughly. Trish was perplexed at his sudden change in mood and tone of voice, she knew now she had hit a sensitive spot and said softly, “I’m sorry Shawn, I just…” she paused, took a deep breath and continued with a trembling voice, “I just…this is you now and it’s nothing you have to be ashamed of, on the contrary, maybe putting yourself out there would help you better accept everything.”
Shawn sat still, staring down at his cereal bowl and said lowly, “Maybe I’m not all the way ready for that…”
Trish replied with a tremble, “You have to Shawn, you’re not going to walk again.”
With that he slowly looked up at her and his eyes seemed dark as night.
He said without any emotion, “Thanks Trish…thanks for clearing that shit up for me. I am not going to fucking walk again…I didn’t know…Shit!”
He then put his hands on his rims and pushed himself out of the kitchen and to the front door, opening it to pouring rain and wheeling out onto the porch, slamming the door behind himself. Trish knew he wasn’t going anywhere really but she had to swallow and tried to fight the tears from forming in her eyes. Shawn’s reaction had showed her how much he still struggled with his disability but he just had to come to a point of accepting himself as a paraplegic now and even though she knew it was still very hard for him she wanted to help him find peace with his body.
She wanted to show him that exactly the part of being a paraplegic in a wheelchair attracted her in the first place. She looked at Shawn’s profile picture smiling at her and she got up and went to the door to go outside and check on him. He sat on the porch under the patio roof just looking out into the flooded yard.
He didn’t look over at Trish as she sat down in one of the two rocking chairs and announced sternly, “I want pictures of you in your wheelchair, I want pictures of you not walking, and I don’t want pictures of the guy you was before the accident. You are who you are Shawn and for me you are perfect and you have no reason to hide from the world.”
He looked down on his hands in his lap and Trish added softer, “What do I have to do to make you feel O.K. with who you are?”
He shook his head and said lowly, “Not you or anyone can make things better for me Trish. It’s me alone who has to somehow come to a place of contentment about being paralyzed.”
Trish said, “So you are saying that me being totally into you does not make you feel better in a way?”
He took a deep breath, “It does, but it doesn’t. It makes me wonder why you are into me when you could have any able bodied dude out there. I have nothing to offer you Trish, why me?”
She took a deep breath now, “When I applied for the job, I didn’t expect someone like you Shawn. I saw this as a chance for me to learn about paraplegia, make some money one the side, prepare for my college courses and if anything gain some understanding on the issues of a paraplegic and maybe make a new friend…Well, you are a man I find really hot and attractive, you drew me in with your personality, the little attitude I see in you…I like it. You are someone I want to be with, I can feel the connection between us and when you let down your guard at the lake that day, I was done, you had me Shawn…I’m totally into you and I don’t care about the chair, the disability or anything that comes with it. It is all part of you and I am very attracted to you and the way you are.
I’m O.K. sitting by your bed when you can’t get up due to spasms or whatever. I’m O.K. if you are tired and exhausted and would like to stay home or go home. I’m O.K. helping you with whatever and I’m ready to take on whatever happens with you, also the things you dread most. I’m also O.K. if you want to move slowly and I’m O.K. if we can’t have conventional sex, there are many other ways to make love. I have no agenda, I just want to be with you in any and every way. That is all I can tell you and I hope you can enjoy life with me and also come to accept the way you are now. Shawn. I like you so very much and I want to have pictures of you and me and show the world who we are and how much we are into each other.”
Shawn sat quiet and still and then said with a low trembling voice, “I care a lot about you Trish but I’m also scared. I couldn’t bear losing you and thinking about something maybe coming between us stops me from fully letting my feelings go. I’m so damned scared that I will wake up and realize all of this didn’t really happen...”
His voice was full of despair, he looked up slowly and Trish rushed over to him, kneeling down in front of him, her hands on his knees and looking up at him with shiny eyes, “Shawn, I’m not going anywhere without you. I want to be with you…I’m seriously falling for you.”
He shook his head and said softly, “…and that’s the thing. How can I be so lucky that you came into my life? I keep thinking it’s just a dream…”
She laid her head onto his lap, “I want us to be together, Shawn.”
His hand touched her head stroking her hair and she stated softly, “Shawn, you have to believe me that you are everything I have always wanted in a man. I have dreamt of someone like you for so long, exactly the way you are, paraplegic and all.”
He was taking in her words, his mind racing and his heart beating in overdrive. Even though his heart wanted to believe her, in his head he had doubts and fears. She was a woman he had always wanted but he had never pictured it that way, himself paralyzed, depending on a wheelchair and a woman like Trish laying by his feet, admiring him and basically begging him to let her into his heart. He had never ever imagined it like this.
They sat silently for a little while, Trish with her head on Shawn’s lap, his fingers running through her hair and looking out in the rain. The yard had collected lots of rain water once again. Shawn drifted off in his thoughts, thinking about him and Trish and his heart felt heavy. With his hands he lifted Trish’s face from his lap and held it and looked at her, he saw her eyes shiny and a moist trail on her cheek.
He said lowly with a scratchy voice, “Trish…”
She nodded softly in between his hands.
He took a breath, “I wish so much we would have met in a different time….”
With that Trish laid her hands on his and shook her head, almost whispering, “No Shawn, right now is our time…right this moment…no other time would have been right.”
He took a deep breath and nodded after a moment, “Maybe you’re right, this is our time and I will do everything I can to make this the right time for us to be together. I will get my life together again and I will be the guy you want…”
He saw another tear roll over her cheek and pulled his hand out from under hers and wiped the tear away with his thumb and with a smile said, “No more tears, O.K.?”
Trish brought a smile over her face and moved up to him, and he pulled her close for a kiss full of passion and longing, Trish eventually climbing on his lap and they were holding each other.
When they eventually sat at the kitchen table again, holding hands Trish asked softly, “So how about it?”
Shawn didn’t know what she was talking about, “Hhm?”
Trish held up her phone, “Some pictures? For me?”
“You are not going to let this rest, are you?”
Trish smiled, “It depends…pictures of my hot boyfriend… no I am not going to let it rest.”
It was the first time she had called him her boyfriend and his heart beat quickened as he slowly looked over at her and Trish realized the word “boyfriend” had caught his attention and she smiled, “Is it O.K. for me to call you my boyfriend?”
Shawn laughed softly, “I guess so…I don’t think I have ever been someone’s boyfriend.”
“No? How is that?”
Shawn shrugged his shoulders, “I guess I wasn’t considered boyfriend material by the girls I hung out with.”
“Well, that is what I consider you.”
He smiled at her, “So that would make you my girlfriend?”
“Yep…we are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend.”
She got up and wriggled herself onto Shawn’s lap again with her phone held out in front of them and she leaned her head next to Shawn’s, “Are you ready for some pics of this hot couple?”
He laughed and nodded. The camera on Trish’s phone clicked and she pulled the phone over to look at the picture, it had turned out great. They both smiled happily into the camera, a close up of their faces.
Trish said, “Look at us, we look so good together.”
Shawn had to agree with her and for a moment he thought about how this may be the first picture of him since the accident. He didn’t recall that there were any photos taken of him since he left rehab. Trish got the camera ready again and snapped many more pictures of her and Shawn, smiling, and kissing, laughing, joking. She caught some with his wheelchair visible and she loved all the pictures.
Eventually she climbed off of his lap and standing in front of him she asked carefully, “May I take some of just you?”
Shawn took a deep breath, he wasn’t all the way sure about this and shrugged his shoulders, “What are you going to do with them?”
"Only for myself if you don’t want me to put them on Facebook or anything.”
He nodded. He wasn’t sure where or how to position himself and Trish said softly, “You’re good right there.”
He didn’t smile when she took about five pictures. Shawn looked serious and felt insecure having pictures taken in his wheelchair fully visible. Trish assured him that he looked good.
Her heart was beating quickly as she took his pictures. With his serious dark eyes looking into the camera almost a bit hostile toward her picture taking frenzy, he drew her in and made her want him even more.
When she was done she went up to him and kissed him, “Thank you.”
Trish asked if she could post one of the close-ups on her Facebook, she wanted everyone to see who she was in a relationship with now.
Shawn gave her permission and Trish said, “If you want I’ll tag you.”
Shortly after that Shawn saw the picture appear on his Facebook timeline. He looked at it and it felt strange to see him and Trish on the picture, faces glowing with smiles and close together. But as strange as it felt to him, it also felt so good. His chair was not visible in the picture and he looked like he did before the accident with the only difference that he didn’t have any pictures like that with any of the girls he had dated more or less.
Pictures from the days before his accident usually showed people drinking and partying and the girls in clad outfits and explicit poses. All those pictures were stored away in the depths of his phone and computer.
No, he wasn’t the same guy than before the accident. The guy in this picture really cared about the girl next to him and had many fears and insecurities. His eyes stayed on the photo for a few moments and then he clicked on the “edit the description” button and thought for a moment before he typed, “The most important person in my life.”
He glanced over at Trish who was focused on the screen of her lap top and he watched her for a moment, lost in thoughts and feeling so much for her. Trish eventually looked up and met his eyes, smiled at him and reached over to his hand and squeezed it in hers. Shawn smiled at her without words. Looking back on his phone he checked his email and some posts on one of the Spinal Cord Injury sites. Not much was new and he put his phone down.
Trish looked up, “You’re done?”
“Is it O.K. if I do some more work on here?”
“Yeah, no problem. I will watch some TV.”
He put his hands to his rims, and backed up from the table. He spun his chair around to face Trish and gestured her to him for another kiss.
Trish got a lot done for her classes that day even though she had to take several breaks from typing because her hand hurt. Shawn laid on the couch for a while playing Video games. He felt good the rest of the day.
Trish had made him feel good about their situation and he had thought a lot about everything she had said earlier. He had no reason to hide away any longer, he needed to put himself out there again. On a few occasions he glanced up from his Video game and watched her secretly and he felt so much for her.
After dinner Trish’s phone rang and as she took it she looked a bit surprised and answered, walking out of the kitchen, “Hey Corey!”
Shawn felt a sting in this heart but he pretended he hadn’t heard anything.
He cleared the dishes from the table and put them in the dishwasher. Even though he didn’t want to be too nosy he couldn’t help trying to hear some of the conversation. Trish sounded calm and he only heard bits and pieces. After a few minutes she ended the conversation and came back into the kitchen.
Shawn spun around at the sink and looked at her expectantly with dark eyes.
Trish started lowly, “Well, Corey saw my relationship status on Facebook changed and he did see our picture.”
Shawn didn’t respond as Trish added, “He remembered you from the lake.”
Shawn looked up but didn’t say anything, waiting for more from Trish.
“Anyways, he wasn’t mad or anything, he said he was cool with it and he also told me about a party coming up at a friend’s house and that he wouldn’t make a big deal if we decided to go and maybe see each other there. He sounded sincere.”
Shawn swallowed, “Yeah, I don’t know about that.”
“I think Corey has that much respect for me not to interfere in my life.”
“At the lake it seemed like he was still into you?”
“It’s over between us…you have nothing to worry about.”
She walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek, “You’re the only man I want.”
After they finished cleaning the kitchen they headed into the living room. Shawn transferred onto the couch and once on the couch Trish sat down, pulled her legs up in front of her and got comfortable, her bandaged hand on Shawn’s legs. They zapped through the channels until they agreed on a show to watch. Trish glanced over at Shawn a few times, then at his wheelchair next to the couch and she felt so lucky to be there with him.
With her fingers she stroked softly over his legs and glancing at him he didn’t budge, he didn’t even realize she was touching his legs. She moved her hand to his foot and touched his toes, he still stayed focused on the TV. She squeezed his big toe, then his smaller toes and was amazed at Shawn’s absence of any reaction. She was focused on playing with Shawn’s toes and was surprised when she looked up again and Shawn’s eyes were on her.
She moved her hand away quickly and looked away from him embarrassed, “Sorry!”
Shawn replied lowly, “You don’t have to be sorry…weird, isn’t it?”
Trish looked up at him slowly and he added, “I didn’t feel a thing.”
“Nothing at all?”
“Nothing at all.”
Shawn turned the TV down and looking at his legs he remarked lowly, “They’re useless and sometimes I think about how they may as well just cut them off, but of course that’s out of the question since there are no medical reasons.”
He laughed a low sarcastic laugh, “That’s bull shit you know, no medical reasons…these limbs are attached to me, making life difficult with dragging all this dead weight around but they are no use to me, never will be. But they leave these things on me, reminding me every single day of my fucked up situation.”
He stared down at his legs. Trish was unsure what to reply to the things Shawn had said, he sounded bitter. She didn’t want him without his legs. She knew there were devotees who were into amputees but that had never been her interest. She liked her paraplegics with their lifeless legs but she had never thought of it the way Shawn had described. She was trying to find the right words and Shawn looked at her expectantly, seemingly waiting for her reply.
She thought for a moment, her hand on Shawn’s leg, then said softly, her eyes down, “I’m not into amputees.”
Shawn had expected her to say something different and looked at her curiously, then replied lowly, “….but you are into dead legs?”
He was thinking about her words and was a little confused.
Trish kept her eyes down, “I’m into you Shawn, and I want your lifeless legs attached to your body.”
He somehow had the feeling that there was something deeper to her words but he couldn’t figure it out. Shawn still had no idea about the group of people Trish belonged to. Trish was planning on telling him soon, but she was still scared and was waiting for the right time. She looked up at him and thought about how he would possibly feel if she confessed to him that she was helplessly attracted to him and his paraplegia, that him dragging his lifeless legs around was a huge turn on for her, that his hands on the rims of his wheelchair looked sexy to her, him transferring and getting glimpses of his strong arms and chest were irresistible to her, that she felt he was hot in his wheelchair, that she had masturbated to images of guys like him hundreds of times, guys depending on wheelchairs, never walking again and that she was actually in a very dark way happy that he was paralyzed and in her life. She was glad he had survived the accident and now lived his life as a paraplegic. How would she ever be able to tell him what kind of woman she was? Maybe she would never tell him, maybe he didn’t need to know.
Shawn’s eyes were still on her, like he was waiting for her to say something else, but she didn’t. She kept her eyes down and picked with her fingers on Shawn’s sweat pants. He was worried that he may have said something wrong.
After a moment he reached his hand out to her, “Trish, come up here!”
She climbed up on him. He pulled her close to him and she cuddled to him.
Shawn assured her lowly, “Don’t worry! I won’t cut off my legs and no one will do that for me anyways. I’ll keep them and just drag them around with me. You want me to keep my legs, I’ll keep them.”
Trish muffled into his hair, “You sound bitter and it makes me feel bad.”
Shawn stroked through her hair, “I’m sorry Trish. Sometimes my pissed off self wants to push through.”
Trish replied, “I understand you Shawn but I like you just the way you are.”
She looked up at him, stroked some strands of hair from his forehead and then leaned down to kiss him. Shawn held her tight and kissed her just as hard. Trish could feel her arousal as she stroked over his bare chest under his T-shirt, feeling his pectorals flex with the shifting movements of their embrace. She wanted him more than just kissing but she had to respect his wish of not moving too fast and below the waistline.
Shawn also wanted to feel Trish’s body on him all the way. He felt her breasts through her shirt, soft and warm on his chest. Her hair grazed his arms and face and felt like feathers touching his skin with gentle swipes.
Trish smelled his skin taking in his scent, her nose moving along his neck and arms, flicking him with soft lashes of her tongue. Her hands travelled along his strong arms, every once in a while she glanced up at him. Shawn’s eyes were closed, and his lips slightly parted. He seemed to be lost in the moment.
Through her kisses she hushed, “Shawn, you are so hot!”
It sounded good to him but deep inside doubts and fears were constantly trying to surface. He kept telling himself that he had to relax and just let things be, everything was perfect, he couldn’t let his insecurities mess up what he had with Trish and what seemed to be building up to something deeper. He also saw Jesse in his mind and couldn’t shake the memory of Trish and Jesse having sex. How could he be what Trish wanted when she had been with Jesse, strong and able bodied, confident and self-sufficient, funny and attractive, a dream guy for any woman.
Trish pulled him from his thoughts by pressing her weight onto his body, making it almost a bit difficult to breathe for him but getting him strangely aroused unable to move at all.
Trish whispered in his ear, “I want you so bad, Shawn! Let me take your shirt off!”
Before Shawn could say anything she quickly pulled his T-Shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor next to the couch. She looked at him for a moment and then let her lips come down on his chest, licking and kissing it.
Now she seemed to be pushing her lower body onto his even more. With his hands on her butt Shawn could feel her hips moving against his lower body. He tried to feel for some life in his crotch, but upon reaching his hand down he was once again confronted with the reality of a missing erection. His passionate kissing slowed down. There wasn’t going to be any sex for him with Trish. She was still all over him, kissing, licking and suckling him, her breathing gasping and aroused.
Shawn didn’t reply with the same enthusiasm and focus to her body.
Trish sensed his withdrawal and looked at him with glossy eyes, “Are you O.K.?”
Shawn had his hands placed loosely on her back and looked down, “Trish, I…you know, things are not really working for me down there…”
She gained some posture and stroked his face, “Don’t worry.”
He added lowly, “It seems that you want more.”
“Whatever you give me, I’ll take it…I don’t want anything you don’t want to give me Shawn.”
He still didn’t look at her, “It may never happen for me Trish.”
“It’s O.K. Shawn, there are other ways…Let’s not worry about it.”
“I can’t help worrying about it…Trish…” he stopped and swallowed, taking a deep breath, then said almost in a whisper, “I haven’t had any erections since the accident Trish…all this down there is pretty much dead, just like my legs…I can’t get it up anymore, I don’t feel anything and it never unloads…it’s very frustrating and it pisses me off so much.”
She looked at him, “Shawn, look at me.”
He looked up at her and she continued, “Shawn, I care more than that about you, it’s not on my priority list. I just want to be with you, close to you, feel you close to me and spent time together. We’ll figure it out when the moment arises. Please have faith and don’t worry about it. I care so much about you Shawn, no matter what.”
He looked deep into her eyes and stroked his hand over her cheek, whispering, “I don’t know how I can be so lucky that you came into my life. I thought I would never be with a woman again. I can’t really grasp the fact that you are here with me, but I am so freaking scared that something will come between us…”
His eyes were shiny and dark and Trish felt his body tremble slightly, she could feel the conversation had been emotional for him, she tried to think of what to tell him and started softly, “Shawn, I’m here and that’s the only place I want to be and I am that woman that is super into you, you are everything I want in a guy. I’ll be here as long as you let me. The moment I first laid eyes on you, you had me Shawn…I almost wanted to back out of the job, run for the hills and never look back but that didn’t work. Instead you drew me in with your attitude. I wanted to keep it professional but I couldn’t stop thinking about you and me together Shawn and here I am…I want to be with you Shawn, I care about you, I like you and I want to help you find your place in the world again if you let me.”
He just looked at her for a moment, then said, “I tried to ignore you too, but my defense mechanism as in my attitude didn’t work very well…I tried but I knew I failed right then and there…I felt the same way about you the moment I saw you Trish…I couldn’t help thinking about you and I was scared to death about you being my Personal Assistant. I argued with Jesse, told him I didn’t want you in our house…”
Trish smiled, “I figured that and look at your hand now…Jesse must have been really mad.”
“He was so mad about the way I acted….” he took a breath, “…how are we going to tell him?”
“I don’t know yet, we’ll figure it out.”
Shawn stroked through Trish’s hair and pulled her to him forcefully and kissing her, almost as to claim her since they had just mentioned Jesse. She felt his grip tightly around her and his kissing felt tense and firmer than before and she let him be in charge, getting a glimpse of the Shawn he may have been before the accident. He kissed her hard and Trish took it in trying to keep her arousal in check. Shawn definitely turned her on with his assertiveness at the moment. They were locked together for a while until they slowly let go of each other.
Trish smiled at Shawn dreamily, “Wow…who is that guy in there?” He only smiled at her.
Eventually Shawn shifted a little and said, “I have to get in my chair…bathroom break.”
Trish sat up and looked at him curiously, “You prefer intermittent catherization to indwelling?”
Shawn was in the process of transferring and with the unexpected question by Trish he plopped into his chair somewhat uncoordinated and stared at her, “What?”
Trish sat on the couch now with her legs crisscross, “I know you use intermittent cathing and I was just wondering.”
Shawn was thrown off by her question and thought for a moment if he should let Trish in on this intimate detail, then figured he just needed to try to tell her sometime anyways.
If they would be together he needed to open up to her about all the things concerning his disability, “Yes, I prefer intermittent catherization.”
He looked down and swallowed, still feeling odd about the conversation, “It can be nerve wrecking sometimes though.”
“You didn’t want to try indwelling catherization?”
Shawn shook his head, “No, I didn’t want to deal with all that stuff.”
He looked up at Trish a little embarrassed, “I don’t think having a tube come out of my…” He stopped from saying the word. “….come out and attached to a bag on my leg would be very attractive at all.”
Trish leaned over some and touched her hand to Shawn’s knee, “I don’t mind either way, I have no problem with any of it. I think it is actually kind of hot.”
Shawn shook his head quickly in disbelief, “No, no Trish, it is totally not hot, you got that all wrong.”
He couldn’t believe she had said that catherization would be hot.
She smiled at him, “It is part of who you are and I am perfectly fine with it Shawn.”
Shawn said lowly to himself, “Dude, this really must be a dream….”
Trish smiled at Shawn’s little self-conversation but didn’t say anything else. Shawn put his hands to his rims, glanced at Trish again and said, “I’ll be in the bathroom and probably get ready for bed soon…How about you?”
Trish answered, “I’m not really tired yet but it’s fine if you want to go to bed, Shawn. I can do some more school work.”
“You don’t mind if I crash already?”
“No, not at all Shawn.”
She moved closer to him, leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He wheeled away smiling. Everything seemed so unreal in a way. He couldn’t believe how everything all the sudden had turned around with him and Trish.
In the bathroom he drained his bladder, brushed his teeth and looked at himself in the mirror. He stroked through his hair with his hand and was wondering if he looked any different now that he was with Trish. His hands set loosely on his lap, his one hand in the cast resting on his thigh. His chest was naked and for a moment he flexed his pectorals and thought how his upper body was actually in good shape and toned for a guy in a wheelchair. His legs sat closely side by side, his feet under his knees on the foot rest still and parallel to each other.
His legs were a different situation though, he had lost muscle tone over the last year and his legs were boney and thin. He hated watching his legs get weaker and weaker as time progressed into his paraplegia. As much as he disliked the spasms in his legs sometimes, they did help work his muscles in his legs, one advantage of having spasticity. His two lifeless limbs would get lighter with time, losing muscle mass and it would get easier dragging them through life.
He kept his gaze on himself when he heard a knock on the door, “Shawn? Can I come in?”
“Yeah, I’m done.”
She came in, he watched her in the mirror as she came up behind him, “What are you doing?”
She was behind him, looking into the mirror with him and she leaned down, her arms wrapped around him from behind and her face next to his, her hair falling over in the front. He realized once again how beautiful she was. He put his hand on her hands on his chest and they quietly looked into the mirror. They looked perfect together. Trish felt her heart beat quicken looking at Shawn and herself in the mirror.
She planted a kiss on his cheek, “You are so hot.”
Shawn smiled and replied, “You are beautiful Trish…I am a lucky guy!”
He watched her in the mirror as she came around to the front and without asking she climbed on his lap. Shawn watched in the mirror still as she positioned herself on him, her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek again.
Holding on with her arms around his neck she turned to look in the mirror and smiled at their mirror images, “We look so good together, don’t you think?”
Shawn nodded, “I have to admit, we do look pretty hot together, especially you on me.” He smiled and she laid her head on his shoulders and whispered, “Other women are going to be so jealous of me for having such a hot boyfriend but you are mine and mine only.”
Shawn grinned, “Really?”
She smiled, “You better be.”
He laughed a little, “Yes, ma’am!”
They laughed together and kissed again. In the bathroom Shawn was able to swiftly spin his wheelchair around even with Trish on his lap. Trish squealed in delight and at the door he said, “I would love for you to stay on but I can’t do it on the carpet.”
Trish pretended to be disappointed and got up from his lap, “O.K. …but you know what we will do one day.”
He looked at her and she continued, “We’ll go to the mall and I’ll ride on your lap.”
She smiled at Shawn and he replied, “That sounds interesting.”
He wheeled himself into his bedroom, followed by Trish. He felt nervous but to his surprise before he could even react Trish had pulled an incontinence brief out from under his bed and sat it on the night table, “Here you go.”
Shawn nodded a low Thanks and rolled up to his bed for the transfer. Trish sat on the foot end of his bed, watching him. He felt uneasy still being watched when he transferred. It was always a bit tricky to pull his body out of his chair into a car, onto the couch or the bed. Sometimes he looked very uncoordinated and clumsy and he was embarrassed about it. He kept his eyes down throwing himself onto his bed, his legs hanging somewhat over the side of the bed.
Just as he was about to pull his legs up Trish got up, “I’ll do it if you don’t mind.”
He remembered how she had adjusted his legs the day before and how her reaction had been, “Are you sure? I mean if it is weird for you Trish, I got it.”
“No, I want to.”
He held himself up on his arms and hands watching her gently pull his legs up onto the bed. He tried again to read her face. It looked like she actually enjoyed the whole process of placing his legs on the bed. Once his legs were on the bed she looked up at him with a shy smile.
He thanked her lowly, “Perfect, thank you.”
There was something about the way she touched his legs, positioning them just right with so much care and almost a kind of love he couldn’t help wondering about. It made him feel good, it made him feel admired in some strange way and it touched him to see her so devoted to the task, to his body including the legs he sometimes despised so much.
Trish asked softly, “So are you O.K. if I stay up a little bit?”
“Yes, of course I’m O.K.”
“How do you feel?”
Shawn leaned down on his elbows, “I feel really good”, he added softly, “because of you Trish.”
She leaned over him and stroked his face, he said softly, “I still can’t comprehend.” “Comprehend what?”
“You and me…you here with me.”
She kissed him, then said, “Well, I’m here and you’re here and I’m very happy about that.”
Trish sat up, “Well, I’ll let you sleep now Shawn. Do you need anything else?”
She glanced at the brief on the bedside table and Shawn shook his head, “No, I’m good.” “O.K. then.”
She smiled, “Just move over a little so I can crawl in with you when I come to bed.” Shawn grinned, “I see…you’re going to give me some company again tonight?”
“I’ll give you company in bed every night from now on unless you don’t want me to.”
“Sounds like I died and went to heaven.”
They laughed and kissed for a while, then let go and said Good Night.
Shawn looked after her as she walked out of his room and he was lost in thoughts for a moment.
He shook his head slightly and whispered to himself, “It can’t be…it just can’t be.”
He grabbed the briefs from the table, looked at them for a moment, thinking about how Trish had handed them to him like it was the most normal thing in the world. He never in his wildest dreams had expected something like that to happen.
Trish had gone back to the kitchen and got on her computer to finish some school work.
Her Facebook profile popped up with the picture of Shawn and her and she saw the comments people had already left under the picture, how cute they looked together and how happy her friends were for her. She also had two private messages from friends who wanted to know more about Shawn. She replied to them quickly and then decided to check out the Devotee message board for a moment. She wanted to give the other women an update about Shawn. She started a new thread and wrote,
“I’m the happiest girl on the planet. Shawn and I hit it off, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I thought of him every second and every time I saw him my heart skipped a beat. So our weekend was crazy and lots of stuff happened including me in the hospital with a cut on my hand which happened accidentally when I was drunk and fell off a chair and cut myself on his wheelchair spokes. To make a long story short, I kissed him on Sunday night, he totally went for it. Oh my God, how lucky I am to have found my one and only para. He is the hottest wheeler ever, I can’t get enough of seeing him in the wheelchair, seeing him transfer or wheeling around. I touched his legs and it makes me tremble. He has no clue about my devotee side, I don’t think he knows we exist. I don’t know how to tell him or when. I can’t wait to give his battered body my full attention. I may never tell him. I’ve felt scars on his back, he’s a T-6 complete para; no sensation below his chest, he turns me on so much. He was meant to be mine. I am so ecstatic and even happy that he came out of the accident a survivor but a T-6 complete para just for me. Seeing him in the wheelchair and knowing he will never walk gives me the ultimate satisfaction. I am so happy, I can’t get enough of him. I will post pics soon.”
Trish read over the thread once more and then posted it. She read through some of the other comments and soon after she already had her first comment from one of the women telling her how happy she was for her and how she envied Trish for having found the perfect para. Trish smiled and felt happy.
It was almost midnight when soft footed and quietly she snuck into Shawn’s room. He laid still on his back, close to the wall, leaving some room for her. She glanced at the wheelchair and touched it softly with her hand, feeling her heart beat quickly. She also glanced over into the corner of the room where the leg braces stood upright in the locked position next to a pair of crutches. How much did she want to see him in the braces and holding on to the crutches? It gave her a tingling sensation between her legs, just thinking about it. She wanted him in his wheelchair, in his braces and on crutches but she had to be patient with him and give him the time he needed. She brought her hand to the inside of her thighs and slowly rubbed along the skin, looking at the leg braces and the wheelchair. Shawn had no idea what he did to her and how much she had to control herself to not be all over him. She looked over at him laying still, breathing softly and she knew she was falling for him big time. She sighed over the pleasuring thoughts and crawled into the bed with Shawn. He moaned softly, taking a breath but he didn’t wake up. He stayed asleep as Trish snuggled up to him. He was warm and she moved closely to him and laid her hand softly on his chest as she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.