Wednesday morning Trish woke up to Shawn’s voice, “Trish, wake up. We overslept or something. It is almost eleven.”
She was startled and opened her eyes quickly, looking behind her to the alarm clock which showed a few minutes before eleven. She had to be at work at twelve thirty that day, “Did we not set the alarm?”
“I don’t know but I do know I have to get to the bathroom quickly before there is a mess in here.”
She sat up and leaning over to Shawn she kissed him gently before she slid out of bed, Shawn behind her pulling his body over to the edge of the bed and Trish pushing his wheelchair right up to it so he could transfer easily.
“I will go to my bathroom and get done. Do you need my help baby?”
Shawn shook his head and Trish knew that Shawn usually had his bathroom routine under control when he felt strong and good. She didn’t want to be hovering over him too much and with a nod she walked out.
Shawn sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, his legs dangling over the side as he tried to find his balance before transferring into his wheelchair. He smelled the faint scent of the urine reaching his nose. It was time to get out of his soaked briefs and into the shower. As he glanced to the alarm clock once again he wondered why they hadn’t woke up to it going off. Now Trish had to rush to get to work on time and he would be alone for the rest of the day.
He transferred into his chair and pulled his feet up on the foot rest. Slowly he wheeled through the door of his room and into his bathroom. He already heard the shower on in Trish’s bathroom. He sat in front of the sink, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. An amber vial with some stool softener capsules sat on the counter next to the sink and he took one and swallowed it down with some water, expecting a bowel movement later on. He then wriggled his sweat pants and soaked briefs off and prepared for catherization.
Trish was getting ready in her original bedroom, which now since she started sleeping in Shawn’s bedroom really only housed her clothes and some of her belongings.
She picked out her scrubs for work and was out in the kitchen making coffee when she heard Shawn in the shower.
She packed her things for work with a light snack for later on. Rocky was scratching on the front door wanting to be let out. Trish opened the door for him and stepped out of the house onto the porch for a moment. It was a beautiful morning, the sun was already high and the temperature was mild and warm. It would have been nice to spend the day with Shawn at the house or maybe do something outside but she had to go to work.
She took in the scent of the fresh country air and then went back inside. Quickly she picked up around the house a little bit and when it was almost noon and Trish still heard Shawn in the bathroom she walked back there.
She lightly knocked on the bathroom door, “Shawn?”
She heard him from inside, “Yeah, I am almost done.”
“I have to leave in about ten minutes.”
“Yes, I am sorry baby. We kind of messed up by sleeping too long.”
Shawn peeked out of the bathroom, sitting there naked, only a towel over his lower body and thighs. His hair was combed but still moist.
“I will get my clothes on real quick. I will be right out.”
“I will wait for you.”
She leaned down and planted a kiss on his lips.
Shawn wheeled by her, smelling of shower soap and shampoo, his cologne and his body heat radiating from his skin. Trish watched him wheel away, his naked back and strong shoulders and arms making her think of being very close to him. He disappeared in his bedroom.
Trish sat on the couch, checking her phone when Shawn came wheeling out only in socks and sweat pants again. He had not bothered to get dressed in regular jeans because he was going to be at home by himself all day while Trish was at work. Trish looked up and he came wheeling right up to her and parked in front of her, smiling, “I am done.”
She leaned over and placed her hands on his knees, “I hate that we didn’t have time to hang out a bit.”
Shawn nodded, “I know, it sucks. I don’t know why we didn’t hear the alarm. I guess we forgot to set it.”
Shawn took her hand and said lowly, “Come here for a moment!”
He set his break and Trish quickly climbed onto his lap and wrapped her arms around him. He pulled her close and kissed her, his fingers playing with her pony tail.
Trish stroked over his chest with her fingertips and said lowly, “I will miss you all day.”
“I will miss you too but it is only for a couple of hours. You will be back home in no time. I will be right here waiting, won’t go anywhere.”
He laughed a little and Trish loved looking at him, a few wrinkles showing in the corners of his dark eyes and strands of his dark hair falling into his forehead. He looked so good and he seemed cheerful and in a good mood.
Shawn let his hands travel down her hair and moved his hand over her cheek, looking into her blue eyes, “I love you.”
Trish was beautiful and even in her scrubs she was hot and he wondered how some of the older men dealt with her taking care of them.
Trish replied, “I love you.”
They kissed again and eventually Trish had to get off Shawn and he followed her out the door and on the porch they kissed once more, then he watched Trish hop down the steps. On the bottom she turned around again, “I love you and I will miss you. See you tonight.”
He waved his hand to her, “See you tonight, love you. Drive careful.”
She laughed while she got into her car, waved at him again from inside it and eventually pulled out of the grassy driveway, blowing her horn and disappearing in the distance.
Shawn stayed on the porch for a moment and watched Rocky in the grass by the shed trying to catch some kind of little critter. It was a beautiful day.
After breakfast he turned on his computer and started looking at the website for the unemployment office and spent a good two hours searching and looking at all the different options and job offers. There were suggested links to schools and educational institutions. He needed to do something with his life. Two years of sitting at home trying to adapt and deal with the drastic change in his life was enough. Trish had ignited a spark in him of wanting to be a productive member of society again.
There were some links to sites specifically geared toward disabled persons trying to find work or getting an education. Some companies encouraging disabled persons to apply for their jobs and he ended up on some of the City and State employment sites. He actually tagged and saved some of the information he found and was surprised to have found some jobs that actually didn’t sound too bad. He wanted to talk it over with Trish and preferably Jesse, but he doubted that Jesse was open to lots of talking at the moment. The real problem was the transportation issue. He really needed to get mobile again with a car. Until he didn’t have a reliable transportation he really would have a difficult time finding a matching job for him.
After he surfed the Internet for a while he ended up on the couch playing Video games some. It was around five when he got hungry and in the kitchen fixed himself a sandwich and then sat down at the kitchen table, checking his phone. Trish’s computer was sitting on the table next to him and was humming softly. Shawn realized she had forgotten to turn it off and with his finger he moved her mouse touch pad when after a few seconds the screen appeared in front of him. The screen was not locked and some website showed up. Even though he had no intention to check on Trish he couldn’t help catch a glimpse of the site’s name “Dev Girls Rule” and wondering what it was about he looked at it a little bit closer.
As his eyes scanned over the site he caught on that it was some kind of message board and when a long message on the top of a thread came up, apparently someone calling themselves “Paradreams” had been writing a post, he let his eyes read more:
“Hey girls, just wanted to check in with you guys. I am doing so good and I am so happy Shawn and I are a thing now…..”
He felt his heart beat in his neck as he read his own name and he kept reading the message and came to realize “Paradreams” was Trish and he swallowed hard at reading the whole message and his hands started shaking. He was breathing in gasps reading all the things about him and for a moment he deeply inhaled and exhaled trying to catch his breath. Sitting there his jaw dropped as he read over the message once more. He couldn’t believe what he was reading and seeing and what Trish felt when referring to him. The word “Abasiophilia” stuck with him and without thinking he googled the term:
“Abasiophilia is a psychosexual attraction to people with impaired mobility, especially those who use orthopedic appliances such as leg braces, orthopedic casts, or wheelchairs”
Shawn was shocked and speechless. At that moment he didn’t know what to think and do. He sat there reading over the words again and again and his hands visibly shaking he pushed his wheelchair away from the table and with his head hanging, his hands on his lap he was just thinking and breathing, trying to keep a clear head pertaining to what he had just found out.
His mind was racing about Trish and her intentions with him and as he wheeled back over to the table he read the post on the message board again, trying to figure out if he was maybe looking at another person’s thread and not Trish's aka “Paradreams”. It didn’t matter how often he read over it, he knew it was Trish who had written those things about him.
When he clicked on “Paradreams” profile he found other threads by Trish and came across the one where she wrote about her new job as an assistant to a “very hot paraplegic”.
Everything in Shawn’s head was spinning as thoughts of outrage, anger and huge disappointment overcame him. He couldn’t believe that Trish was focused so much on his being paraplegic and all he felt at that moment was the objectification of his body. In his mind Trish had used this job to find a paraplegic she could use for her pleasure and satisfaction, making him an object and not seeing him as the whole person he was. He couldn’t believe that he could have been so blinded and wrong about her.
He felt sick and wheeled to the bathroom quickly where he opened the toilet lid and couldn’t help but vomit from the pain he felt at this discovery. He held on to the grab bar and in between gagging and vomiting he cursed into the room loudly. He wanted to scream and he was raging inside.
When he was done he wheeled over to the sink and looking at his face in the mirror he felt his vision get blurry, “What the fuck Trish?”
His face was blotchy from the force of the vomiting in his body. He just stared at himself and furiously he hit the cabinet with his good fist, “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck…”
His head was spinning with what to do. Jesse came up in his mind and he heard his voice telling him how Trish would be moving on soon and how he knew Shawn would get hurt and the thing with Trish wouldn’t last.
Apparently Jesse had been right again, like he always was. Shawn felt tied to his wheelchair when he really wanted to get up and run away from the rage he felt, the pain eating him up from the inside.
He turned on the faucet in the sink and splashed his face with cold water trying to somehow rid himself of all the horrible emotions he felt. It didn’t work.
He wheeled back into the living room and straight to the liquor cabinet. A variety of poison greeted him as he opened the door and he pulled out a bottle of Crown Royal. He didn’t get a glass but unscrewed the lid and downed a gulp of the Whiskey. He shook his head at the sudden fiery taste in his mouth and running down his throat. Then he just sat there and thought, trying to collect himself, trying to process the information he had just found out about, thinking about Trish being sick and using him for her own twisted game. Everything started adding up now when he thought about some of the things she had said to him since they had met, always referring to how hot he was in his wheelchair. Now everything ran together and formed a picture in his head of a woman who had a strange and sick interest in him and really only his disability, a woman who wanted him that way and was glad he was never going to walk again, a woman who wanted him in a way he was struggling with day in and day out.
The disability that had turned his life around, making every day a battle for the last two years was the very thing that Trish was attracted to and the very thing she wanted him for. A tear dropped out of his eye and he took another gulp from the bottle, letting the strong liquid numb the pain he felt. As the alcohol did its job, it also hardened his heart and the tear that had dropped out of his eye stayed lonely and was not followed by more tears.
Shawn sat in the living room the rest of the afternoon, staring into space, drinking a sip here and there from the Crown Royal and waiting for Trish to come home like he was a wild animal on the prowl for its next victim.
Trish walked in at seven thirty, happy and excited to see Shawn. As she closed the door behind herself she called out, “Hey baby, I am home.”
A few more steps gave her the view into the living room where Shawn sat in his wheelchair, the bottle between his thighs and his head hanging. His body was visibly swaying some in the wheelchair.
Trish realized right away something wasn’t right, “Shawn, baby?”
She walked over to him, saw the bottle and he looked up with glossy dark eyes, his dark hair in stringy bangs in his forehead, the smell of alcohol surrounding him. He looked at her for a moment like he didn’t know who she was, his eyes glaring at her with a hostility that scared her, “Shawn, what is going on? Oh my God, baby…what…”
She wanted to touch his face and to her surprise Shawn turned his head away from her, losing the connection to her hand.
“Shawn, talk to me…what is going on? Why are you drinking?”
Shawn seemed to focus now and looked at her more alert when he said lowly with a slur, “When were you going to tell me that you only want to fuck me because I am paralyzed, that you have a sick thing for paraplegia? That you are happy I am like this, fucked up, not walking, not being able to get my dick hard, fucked up in the wheelchair….when the hell were you going to tell me?”
His breath smelled of Whiskey. Trish had squatted down in front of Shawn and now hearing the words come out of his mouth she was speechless and had no idea what had brought on this situation.
Shawn glanced over to her computer and added, “Yeah, you forgot to turn off your fucking computer last night…I saw all the shit you wrote about me, about us…I want you to get the fuck out of here now.”
Trish was shocked, “Shawn, let me explain!”
Shawn pushed Trish’s hands off of his knees and wheeled himself away from her, spun his chair around with his back turned to her. Trish felt her eyes get watery, her heart beat was racing, her hands got sweaty and she had to hold on to the table to stand up as she felt her knees weak and tried to explain lowly, “Shawn, please. We need to talk about this…I wanted to tell you…”
Shawn’s head was hanging and he said again, “Get out of here….you are fired.”
Trish felt the tears come up in her eyes, “Shawn, please…don’t do this…I can’t leave you right now…you have been drinking.”
Shawn spun his chair around again and then screamed, “Get the fuck out of my life Trish…You have to find yourself another sorry ass cripple to get your shit on…Leave!”
Trish was devastated at the situation and tried to find the right words, “Shawn, let me talk to you when you are sober, I beg you….”
She cried now, “You have to believe me when I tell you that I love you so much, more than you know…I wanted to explain it all to you eventually, I was scared…Shawn…please don’t do this…” Panic crept up inside her about what to do.
Shawn didn’t want to hear her excuses, he looked at her with dark hostile eyes and said once more, “This is the last time I am going to tell you, leave now or I am going to call the cops or Jesse….Get your shit and get the fuck out of here, NOW.”
As Trish moved up close Shawn repeated, “Do not come near me…this fucking paradream is over…”
Trish stopped, her tears now flowing freely, her whole body shaking as she turned away from Shawn. She walked back to her room, sobbing as she packed her bag quickly, threw her bathroom items into another bag, but not able to focus on actually packing. With her bag over her shoulder, her purse over the other one she took her computer off the kitchen table and walked toward the front door.
Shawn stayed motionless by the window and he only glanced at her from under his bangs a few times, feeling his heart almost burst inside his chest as he watched Trish pack her things and then she turned around again toward him and sobbing she said, “Shawn, I love you for the person you are, not because of your disability. I am not a sick person and I wanted to tell you but I was scared you wouldn’t understand…I will leave if that is what you want but you are making a mistake…”
Shawn replied cold, “Yeah, I made a fucking mistake letting you come here in the first place….I knew this shit wasn’t going to work out…Jesse and his bossy attitude….GO! I don’t want to see you again.”
Trish grabbed all her things and Shawn watched her walk out, his body trembling and as soon as the door closed behind her, water was shooting into his eyes but he quickly wiped over his eyes to keep from crying. Instead he violently grabbed two chairs at the kitchen table and pushed them over, cursing full of anger at the same time.
Trish couldn’t control her tears from streaming as she loaded her things into her car and once inside her car, she rested her head on the steering wheel, sobbing and thinking.
She contemplated going back inside or maybe calling Jesse but what would she tell Jesse? He wasn’t happy with her and Shawn together anyways. She was worried about Shawn though amidst all the drama because he had been drinking hard liquor and seemingly quite a bit. She really couldn’t just leave him alone like this.
She pulled her cellphone out and found Shawn’s uncle’s number. She texted him with shaky hands, “Randy, this is Trish. Shawn and I had a fight and he told me to leave but he has been drinking and I am worried to leave him alone. I am going back to my place, Shawn made it clear to me that he doesn’t want me in his house anymore. Maybe you can check on him, I am worried. Thanks for everything and I am very sorry.”
She clicked the Send button with trembling fingers and then turned her phone off. She didn’t want to answer any questions Randy would possibly have for her.
She started her car and drove off, looking back at the rambler in her mirror, thinking about Shawn and feeling her heart break at the turn of events, devastated and desperate about what to do.
Driving back to town she was crying the whole way and her mind racing with thoughts of everything that had happened. She remembered now forgetting to turn her computer off the night before because Rocky had scratched on the front door and she had been distracted. All the “what if’s”, “should have’s” and “would have’s” were torturing but the situation was serious. Shawn was deeply hurt and Trish didn’t know what to do. She was very worried about him though, he had drank too much for sure and he shouldn’t be alone.