As the prospective PA arrived for the interview, Jesse's plans are being shattered by Shawn's negative attitude turning the interview into a disaster and a dangerous confrontation between the two brothers.
Jesse came rushing back into the kitchen with a towel
in his hand, “Here you go…I’m sorry about the mess out there.”
He apologized so many times, it was almost obnoxious.
apologetic Jesse scurried around Trish, “Have a seat! Do you want to wash off
Trish smiled, sitting down on one of the kitchen
chairs, “No, it’s okay. The towel will do just fine.”
She started drying off her feet and Shawn threw a look
at Jesse, raising his eye brows.
Jesse inquired nervously, “Did you guys already meet? Trish,
this is my brother Shawn.”
Shawn cut him off, “We already met.”
Trish was done with her feet and slipped into her shoes
again, “There…it’s all good.”
Jesse grabbed the towel and took it to the back
When he came back to the kitchen he asked Trish, “What can I get you
to drink? Coffee, Soda, Water?”
Trish smiled, “A cup of coffee would be great.”
Jesse got busy getting the coffee for Trish.
somewhat on the left of Trish, where his usual spot at the table was, no chair
in the way.
Jesse turned around toward him, “You want some coffee, Shawn?”
Shawn shook his head, “I’m good.”
He looked at Trish from the side and said seriously,
“Not really the right shoes for this kind of weather or for coming out here.”
Trish looked at him with a smile, “No, not really…but
it didn’t rain in town.”
As Jesse set down the cup of coffee for Trish, Shawn
glanced at him with small eyes. Jesse sat down across from Trish with a cup of
coffee of his own, “I want to pour concrete out in the front of the house
sometime so we won’t have so much water collecting out there.”
Shawn remarked, “Yeah, you've been saying that for
Jesse looked at Shawn earnestly, and then back at
Trish, “Well, I’m sorry again.”
Trish smiled at him, “No worries, it’s really okay.”
took a deep breath, sitting up straight, “Well, as I already discussed with you by
email and phone, I work road construction and have a job coming up out of state
for about five weeks. So my brother and I are looking for a PA for him during
Trish even had a chance to speak Shawn cut in, glancing sharply at Jesse, “YOU
are looking for someone!”
gave him a serious look. Trish realized the tension between the two brothers
and was slightly distracted.
ignored Shawn’s dark gaze, “Anyways, we were hoping for someone to live here
during that time. We have an extra room and basically it would include light
housework, cooking, and shopping aside from assisting Shawn. Of course you’d
get all his medical information and all the numbers needed for any medical
emergency or his primary physician. If I remember correctly, you already have a CNA
nodded, “Yes, I'm a licensed CNA, CPR–certified as well and I listed all my
additional experience in my resume.”
that Jesse pulled over the stack of paper Trish had sent him and the resume was
on top, “Yes, right, everything looked really good.”
Shawn watched Trish and he kept thinking about how
there was no way he wanted her to be his Personal Assistant. She was an
attractive, young woman, a woman he would have taken home or went home with any
time before his accident. He would have spent a night with her, having casual
sex and fun and saying, “Thanks and see you around”, the next morning.
This was not a woman he wanted to assist him in any
way or helping him in the bathroom.
Jesse was talking about the pay and how
everything would be, Trish was familiar with the partial pay by Medicaid. She
realized how important this was to Jesse and how he tried to make everything
sound appealing to her. Looking around in the house she didn’t know if she
could actually live in the place for five weeks. It was old and seemed damp. It
was obvious that there was no woman around and probably hadn’t been around in a
Almost like Jesse could sense her doubts, he said
warmly, “I can show you the guest room.”
She smiled, “That would be great.”
Jesse got up and as Trish got up she glanced at Shawn
and realized his serious dark eyes scanning her.
She also had expected someone totally different, not
actually a guy like Shawn, but the moment she had walked into the door
she almost felt her heart stop. He was attractive in a scruffy way, his dark
hair somewhat uncoordinated and his eyes a grey color, piercing through her like a dagger. He
sitting in the wheelchair had enhanced everything and gave her that all
Partly when she had applied for the job to be a
live-in Personal Assistant to a 28 year-old paraplegic she had hoped for some
hot guy in a wheelchair, but she had not ever expected it at all and now what
she had hoped for sat right there in a wheelchair in front of her, looking dark
and somewhat hostile toward her and she thought about backing out real quick.
Jesse though, just as attractive, was sweet and
friendly leading her to the back hallway now, “I know it’s not much but I
tried to make it as comfortable as possible. Of course you could rearrange or
add anything to the room to your liking, it would be perfectly fine.“
Trish had pulled her eyes from Shawn’s gaze and was following
Jesse into the back hallway and into the guest room. It was small but Trish
could tell Jesse had given it his best shot to make it look nice.
He looked at her expectantly and she nodded with a
smile, “It‘s nice, just right.”
Jesse smiled with a relieved expression.
felt she needed to add some more confirmation for him, “It wouldn’t be bad at
Jesse smiled still and she thought about how
attractive he was as well. The brothers looked a lot alike, but it seemed Jesse
with his smile, the lighter hair and green eyes, his skin tanned nicely was
more the angel version whereas Shawn seemed to be the opposite, dark and angry.
They walked back toward the kitchen. Shawn had wheeled
into the living room and threw a sharp look at them. Jesse looked at him
sternly as to tell him he needed to come back to the kitchen table. Shawn
didn’t budge and Jesse and Trish sat back down at the table.
Jesse asked, “Well?”
Trish took a sip from her cup. Jesse looked at Shawn
and said as nice as possible even though he felt Shawn’s negative attitude,
“Shawn, do you have any questions for Trish or can you think of things we still
need to address?”
Trish looked over at Shawn.
He met her eyes and said
sharply, “This is not my idea you know. I don’t want anyone here; I don’t need
anyone to help me. My brother here thinks I can‘t take care of myself and makes
decision without me all the time, he somehow feels that he's the boss of me.”
Trish’s expression turned serious as she replied,
“Okay, I see...”
Jesse shifted nervously shocked at Shawn’s words,
“Shawn, what are you talking about? We've discussed this, right?”
Shawn didn’t budge and as Jesse wanted to say
something, Trish got up and walked toward Shawn, then sat on the armrest of the
recliner close to Shawn, crossing her legs right in front of him.
He looked away as Trish started sternly, “You don’t
need help, huh?”
Shawn looked back at her with hostility, surprised at
her tone of voice. Trish asked sternly, “What are you? T-8 or higher, complete
Shawn was caught off guard by her question, “You don’t
need to worry about that.”
She continued, “Yeah, probably T-6 because I can tell
you are bit wobbly in there. Did you ever fall out of your chair? I'm pretty
sure you deal with spasms quite a bit?”
Jesse was speechless at Trish’s direct approach;
he could tell Shawn was agitated.
She turned toward Jesse, “Does he deal with spasms a
Jesse answered lowly and hesitant, not sure what to
make of the situation “Ah…yeah.”
Trish turned again to look at Shawn who then replied
angrily, “It’s none of your fucking business.”
He placed his hands on his rims preparing to make his
get-a-way any moment.
Trish continued, “You know Shawn, you seem selfish and
angry. Your brother cares so much about you, trying to make sure you are taken
care of. He probably works his ass off to make ends meet and this is how you
Jesse felt restless and thought about interfering. He
could see Trish had touched Shawn at his core but Jesse just stood by and
watched. Shawn was breathing deeply through his nose, pressing his lips
Trish added harshly, “You must hate yourself a whole
Shawn cut her off and said loudly, “Shut up, leave me the
fuck alone, go back to your old folks home and help them jerk off and wipe their
asses. You don’t know anything about me…”
He was breathing quickly and nervously struggled to
wheel over the carpet toward his room.
Trish called after him, “You don’t know anything about
me, Shawn…and you never will!”
She had been hard and direct but she felt her body
give in to a tremble as she got up. Jesse looked devastated and helplessly
shook his head.
He was furious inside and was trying to fight his
emotions of anger toward Shawn. Trish felt her vision get blurry as she took
her purse. She wanted to get out of that house as quick as possible.
Jesse swallowed and apologized, “Trish…I’m so….so sorry! I
don’t know what to say…I…”
He had no words as Trish looked at him with shiny
eyes, “It’s not your fault Jesse, I am sorry too.”
She walked toward the door, trying to keep control of
her emotions and keeping her tears from flowing.
Jesse rushed over, “Trish, I don’t know…”
He took a
As she turned to look at him, he saw the tears on her
face and she said softly, “He needs you very much, I can tell it’s not easy for
She didn’t wait for Jesse to reply but opened the door
and the sound of the pouring rain came into the house, “Bye Jesse. I hope you
will figure something out for Shawn and with your job. You’re a good person.”
Jesse was speechless and watched her rush out into the
rain to her car. She was gone and he closed the door still in shock.
The anger was boiling inside him as he walked with
quick steps toward Shawn’s bedroom. Shawn sat in his wheelchair and looked at
Jesse with cold eyes.
Jesse let his emotions take over like never before as he grabbed Shawn
roughly by his throat, yelling at him, “What the fuck is wrong with you Shawn?”
Shawn was too shocked to speak and tried to move away
from his brother’s grip by putting his hands to his rims. He had not seen Jesse
that mad before. Jesse had never laid hands on him after the accident. Before
the accident they would sometimes wrestle and roughhouse for fun and had a few incidents
where they actually got into a physical fight, usually about senseless issues.
He had no chance as Jesse pulled him out of the chair
and threw him on the bed screaming, “I need this job you idiot! Why are you
such an ass about it, she was right for us. You’re fucked up in the head Shawn,
you hate yourself so much…”
He actually roughed Shawn up on the bed and as Shawn
tried to protect himself with his arms, the strong hand of Jesse slapped him in
the face. He had never seen Jesse get that mad at him and out of control and it
scared him. He was helpless to his brother’s outburst as Jesse slapped his
Shawn pleaded, “Jesse, stop!”
Jesse paused and Shawn saw tears on his brother's face as Jesse screamed at him, “Why do you think this is only hard for you? Not only
your life is fucked up now, Shawn…you fucked mine up too.“
Jesse cried now and Shawn was trying to control his
breathing as he felt his body react to the attack.
As Jesse’s arms flew up again he feared for his life,
begging Jesse, “Jesse…no…I’m…”
Jesse slapped Shawn in his face one more time and then
pushed him so hard that Shawn fell off the bed. Instead of helping him though
Jesse kicked the wheelchair hard, it fell over partly on Shawn and he then walked
out sobbing and slamming the door shut. Shawn was shaking all over his body,
tears of shock just started streaming over his face, he tried to calm down
lying on the floor but he was fighting an oncoming anxiety attack and he was
scared. He tried to move the chair off his legs, but had no strength. His arms
felt like pudding.
As he heard the truck start up outside with a revving
engine he became even more scared, “God no…please don’t leave…”
He said it lowly to himself. Jesse had never done
anything like it before and he was terrified how Jesse was actually leaving him
behind like this. His heart pounded so hard, it felt like it would pop out of
his chest, he felt his body shake uncontrollably and he knew he’d start to
spasm any moment. He tried again to lift himself up on his arms but he couldn’t,
“Fuck, come back here Jesse!”
He could barely
talk when he really wanted to scream, but he had no strength and then he heard
the truck leave. He tried to stay calm by breathing slower and steady but he felt
anxious. He remembered how he didn’t even have his cell phone on him to call
911. It was lying on the kitchen table. Oncoming spasms made his legs twitch
quickly and the spasms travelled all the way up to his belly making him retract
hard on and off like an invisible force was in control of him. He kept
reminding himself to relax but it was almost impossible. He was breathing
quickly, tears silently running over his face.
He remembered the words he had said to Trish and he
also remembered how Jesse had said that his life was messed up because of
Shawn. The words had cut him deeply and he hated himself for being so
ungrateful all this time. He thought about Trish and he knew he had hurt her
too. She didn’t know that this was his only defense nowadays, hurtful words to cover
up his insecurities and anger.
How would he let a woman like her take care of him the
way he was now? She was a girl he would have picked up in a club or bar when he
was still healthy. She was attractive and any guy would have wanted her. There
was no way he could feel at ease around her with his disability and its issues.
In his opinion he was a wreck, his body broke and out of control, he felt he
was a joke of a guy now, incapable of walking, no control of his most private
urges and no way of performing sexually. There was just no way he would be able
to let her come close to him, mentally and physically. She probably had a
boyfriend and that made him feel bad on another level.
Another spasm shook him hard and he grabbed the leg of
his bed with his hand, somehow trying to find grounding when his body was
turning against him. He was scared and hoping Jesse would come back soon. All
the sudden he felt with his other hand how the carpet, his jeans and T-Shirt
were wet with warm moisture. He tried to get a look at his lower body and saw
the dark wet spot on his jeans.
A curse came over his lips as he tried again to move
his chair off his legs to get into a sitting position where he could attempt
another transfer into his chair.
Spasms still shook him and he couldn’t sit up. The
desperate struggle made him angry at his situation.
No, he definitely didn’t need help! He was so wrong,
acting like a fool saying how he needed no one. He pulled his strength together
and gave the chair a hard push so it came off his legs. Then he used his arms
to sit up with his back leaning onto the bed frame. More urine wet his jeans
and even partly his T-Shirt. He was cursing into the room again, “Shit…”
The spasms had triggered a little amount of urine
flowing every time they shot through him. Shawn leaned his head back, his face
wet and his hands shaking. The attempt of taking his jeans and boxers off some
way diminished with another spasm in his legs and he just sat there trying to
breathe through it like a woman in labor.
had taken off boiling of anger. For just a moment he had lost it and now as he
was driving through the woods he thought about his outburst and slammed on his
breaks coming to his senses and realizing what he had done to Shawn. Shawn had
made him so mad being mean and disrespectful to Trish, who was their only hope
for Jesse to make some good money at the out-of-state job. Money he wanted to
use to tear the carpet out of the rambler to put in smooth flooring,
maybe look at getting a car with hand controls for Shawn, maybe a new big
screen TV, or maybe a small vacation somewhere. He had even thought about
looking for another house closer to town and accessible for Shawn.
His life over the last one and a half years had spun
around Shawn and tending to him and being there for him through all of it. He
had put all his own needs aside, he hadn’t went out anymore, had neglected his
friends, instead he had picked up any overtime and hours when his boss needed
him. He hadn’t dated anymore, had spent the little off time he had with Shawn
at home. Everything had been focused around Shawn and now when he had tried so
hard to somehow find a way to make some extra money and wanted to make sure
Shawn was taken care of, Shawn had successfully screwed it all up. Bad words
for Shawn were spinning in his head, words he wouldn’t use or ever say out
He hit his steering wheel with his hands and blurted
out, “Damn Shawn, why?”
Then he started his truck, revved the engine again and
took off spinning the wheels in the dirt heading back home.
Shawn had been hit by spasm after spasm and tried to
rest in between. He was exhausted and felt like he was about to pass out. He
was scared and was hoping Jesse would come back. He had not been able to move
and sat trapped in his own urine, trying to keep somehow control over his body.
He needed some medication to relax his muscles, but he couldn’t reach his meds
over on his bedside table. He heard the truck outside and even though was
unable to move or make any joyful noise he was relieved. He heard the truck
door slam and shortly after the front door. There were rustling noises in the house and
Jesse throwing his keys on the kitchen table as he always did.
hoping Jesse would come for him and he managed only a whisper of Jesse’s name,
when a spasm seemed to almost rip him apart. Just then Jesse appeared in the
door and right away their eyes met and he rushed to Shawn’s side, squatting
down next to him. He smelled the urine and saw Shawn’s jeans wet. He couldn’t
help tearing up again and realizing that his outburst of anger had brought on
all of this.
He sobbed, “I’m so sorry Shawn…”
Shawn couldn’t speak, he was just glad to see his brother.
Jesse saw some blood oozing from Shawn’s lip and nose. He realized the wet mess
also on the carpet. When Jesse looked at Shawn who was battling another spasm
he saw tears silently stream down Shawn’s face. Jesse didn’t know what to do
first, take care of the mess Shawn was in or get his medication.
He jumped up and Shawn looked up at him terrified and
brought a stutter over his lips, “Don’t ….leave…me.”
He was breathing quickly and Jesse said, “I'm just
getting some water and your meds.”
He rushed to the kitchen, and hurried back with a
glass of water in his hand. He took the medication off the bedside table,
dropped a tablet into his hand and brought his hand up to Shawn, “Here, take this,
He dropped the tablet into Shawn’s mouth and Shawn swallowed
it with the water. Then he leaned his head back again.
Jesse said, “You need to lie down so I can get your
He helped Shawn lay down on the floor.
Once Shawn laid flat Jesse got busy wriggling his
jeans over his butt. He was devastated to see his brother in this state of
exhaustion and helplessness. He felt horrible and guilty as he helped Shawn get
out of his wet jeans and boxers. Tears were still dripping as he frantically
took off the wet clothes and he looked up at Shawn who was breathing rapidly.
Their eyes met and Shawn muttered, “I…I think…I am going to pass out…”
“No Shawn, stay with me…I’ll get you cleaned up…” He
got scared now as he had not seen Shawn in this condition and was worried if he
had somehow injured him in some way.
Tears were flowing and he ran to the
bathroom, “Stay with me, Shawn!”
He grabbed two towels and ran back in the room putting
one towel on the carpet and draped the other one over Shawn. He sat up the
wheelchair and pushed it out of the way, “Shawn, are you still with me? Talk to
Shawn replied weakly, “I’m o.k.”
Jesse dabbed him dry and said, “I’m going to pull you
up into your bed.”
He went up by Shawn’s head and grabbed him under his
arms and around his chest, “Stay with me Shawn!”
With a strong pull he got Shawn up on the bed. At
least the spasms started to subside. Without hesitation Jesse pulled one of the
incontinence briefs out from under the bed and slipped them up over Shawn’s
He leaned over Shawn, “Bro, hey, can you hear me?”
Shawn opened his eyes, “Yeah”
“I’m going to get a washcloth so I can wipe you off.”
He rushed out
the room with Shawn’s jeans, T-Shirt and boxers, which he threw on the washer
in the laundry closet in the hallway. He came back with a washcloth and a bowl
with warm water. First he wiped Shawn’s face, dabbed his bloody lip and nose and then wiped
his hands and finally around his leg and belly where he had been wet. Shawn had
his eyes closed, drowsiness one of the side effects of the spasm medication.
Jesse asked, “Shawn, are you okay?”
Shawn opened his eyes and said lowly, “Yeah, just
“It’s okay, you can sleep now. Here…”
Jesse pulled the sheets out from under Shawn and
covered him up. Shawn had his eyes closed again, his breathing now calm and
steady, and the spasms had almost stopped. Jesse straightened up and fetched carpet cleaner, a brush, and paper towels to take care of the urine that
had seeped through on to the carpet. Tears were still streaming, the guilt
eating him up.
He didn’t understand how he could have lost his temper
like he did and actually hit Shawn, who had no way of defending himself.
He had slapped Shawn in the face several times,
throwing him on and off the bed and kicking the wheelchair over. Shawn had made
him so mad. Jesse’s tears were coming faster as he kneeled on the carpet
scrubbing, dabbing and drying. He had to stop as the crying came stronger and
actually shook his body. Tears were dripping on to the carpet. It was like all
the stress and the worries which had been building up inside him over the last
almost two years was now coming up to the surface.
He had been under so much pressure with Shawn’s
accident. Worries and fears had been his daily life and deep inside also a
lingering anger which he didn’t dare to let Shawn see. It was the anger at
Shawn’s irresponsible behavior of driving drunk and sometimes the anger at how
he now was depending on Jesse for lots of things. While Shawn had been drowning
in self-pity, Jesse had been trying to keep sane and keep their life somewhat
normal, putting his own personal life on hold.
While he was kneeling on the carpet, crying, Shawn
suddenly spoke lowly, “Jesse, I’m….so sorry…for being an asshole…”
Jesse got up and wiped over his face quickly walking
over to the bed and sitting down on the edge looking at Shawn, “I’m sorry too”,
tears were streaming still, “…for doing this to you.”
Shawn said lowly, “I deserved it.”
Jesse said with a tear filled voice, “No, you didn’t. I
could have seriously hurt you or even killed you. I really fucked up.”
Shawn smiled weakly and balled his hand into a fist
holding it out to Jesse, “You can’t kill me that easy….fist bump…we’re cool
Jesse shook his head and weakly fist bumped him, “I'm
so sorry, Shawn”
"It’s o.k.” Shawn closed his eyes, “I’m going to sleep now.”
Jesse nodded, “Yeah, sure…get some rest!”
He watched Shawn for a moment and his breathing became
slow as he drifted off into sleep. After Jesse had cleaned up the carpet as
good as possible he sprayed carpet freshener spray on the area, glanced at
Shawn sleeping, Rocky curled up on the foot end and walked out of the room. He
felt very badly still, the pictures of the fight and Shawn’s terrified look still
racing through his mind.
After he started a load in the washer he went to the
cabinet with the hard liquor and poured himself a double shot of Whiskey,
downed it and poured another double shot. He sat on the recliner with the glass
in his hand; the bottle by his side and said lowly to himself, “What the fuck
was I thinking…”
After two more doubles he fell asleep with the
empty glass in his hand, the rain outside still pouring down and flooding the
area around the house.