Shawn's get his diagnosis at the hospital and the day brings up more emotions lingering between the brothers and also coming to the final decision about Jesse leaving for the job.
After they checked in at the reception a nurse gave
Shawn an ice pack for his wrist and they were told to wait. In the waiting room
children and babies were crying, adults looked sick and grumpy and mothers
looked stressed. Shawn tried to ignore his pain by watching the TV while Jesse
started playing with a little girl who kept coming over to him. She was
probably around 3 years old and was there with her mother and a fuzzy baby in a
stroller. Jesse played “Peek a-boo” with her as the little girl kept hiding
behind a chair. The mom smiled at Jesse, obviously relieved that her daughter
was being entertained while she tried to calm her baby.
Shawn glanced at Jesse playing with the little girl.
Jesse had always had a way with kids and Shawn knew that time was ticking away
for him and Jesse to ever become fathers. He felt guilty for taking over
Jesse’s life the past almost two years and Jesse having had to put
relationships and any kind of family plans aside. Jesse loved kids and would
have made a good dad.
For just a moment Jesse glanced up and met Shawn’s
eyes. Shawn quickly looked down onto his hands in his lap. They waited for
almost one hour until they eventually were called to the back. A nurse checked
Shawn’s vitals, his blood pressure was a little high. Jesse sat by silently
Eventually the nurse said, “Okay, Dr. Thompson will be
with you shortly.”
They waited again. The door to the small exam room was
kept open and the mom with the baby and the little girl walked by. The little
girl spotted Jesse in the room and came running right on in, calling out, “Mom,
look the man from “Peek a-boo”!”
The mom stopped and smiled trying to stop her little
girl from running into the room, “Sierra, no, come here!”
Sierra didn’t care and ran toward Jesse, arms open for
a hug, which she innocently gave Jesse, who responded with a small hug looking
at the mom of Sierra, who nodded in agreement smiling.
Sierra stood in front of Jesse and asked softly, “Can
you be my daddy?”
Jesse was caught off guard with this question, Shawn
looked up surprised and Sierra’s mom was embarrassed, “Sierra…”
She stepped into the room just a bit, “Come here,
Then she looked at Jesse, “I’m so sorry…I”, she
stopped and her eyes were down, “I’m sorry! Sierra come on!”
Sierra broke out in a loud cry when her mom tried to
take her hand. Jesse didn’t know what to say and tried to give Sierra a smile.
Sierra cried, “No…” and tried to cling on to Jesse’s
Jesse took her little hands and arms off his leg, “Hey
Sierra…,” his voice was soft, “…you should go with your mommy now.”
He didn’t answer to the question Sierra had asked
before and felt bad but somehow tried to calm Sierra down. There was no calming
down and Sierra screamed as her mom took her hand and pulled her away from Jesse,
apologizing “I’m so sorry!”
Jesse replied with a smile, “It’s okay, no worries. I
hope she will calm down soon.”
The mom managed a weak smile and dragged Sierra out.
Jesse looked after her. Shawn witnessed the whole drama and when he looked at
Jesse he saw a certain sadness in his face. Jesse still looked after them walking
out the door and they heard Sierra scream the whole way.
Shawn mentioned lowly, “That was awkward.”
Jesse nodded, got up and said cool, “Yeah.”
He stood in the door looking into the hallway, “They need
to get a doctor in here so we can get out of here.”
Jesse seemed irritated now and Shawn didn’t say
Eventually Dr. Thompson showed up and after a quick
introduction he looked at Shawn’s hand, “So how did this happen?”
Shawn answered quickly, “I fell out of my wheelchair.”
Dr. Thompson looked a bit surprised, “That's not good.”
Shawn didn’t want to answer any more questions
concerning his condition, his trunk control or talking about actually using the
seat belt on his chair to keep him in it and he was hoping Dr. Thompson
wouldn’t ask anything else.
He did ask though, “Does that happen a lot then?”
Shawn shook his head and replied quickly, “No, I was
irresponsibly trying to catch a Football.”
He felt Jesse’s eyes on him.
Dr. Thompson smiled, “Not such a good idea. Well, we'll get an X-Ray done, it does look like it may be a fracture.”
With that he typed the order in the computer right
there in the room and then said, “They’ll come and get you for the X-Ray and I'll see you again in a little while.”
About an hour later Jesse and Shawn left the hospital
with the diagnosis of a fractured wrist for Shawn but since it was still
swollen he only wore a type of brace, was handed a bottle of pain medication
and was scheduled to come back on Friday to possibly get a cast if the swelling
was down by then. Shawn had no idea how all this would work now with Jesse
possibly leaving. Jesse hadn’t said a word the whole time and even now he
helped Shawn in the truck without any words.
Once Jesse pulled out of the parking spot he said,
“I’m hungry, I want to get something to eat and we also need some stuff from the
store before we go home.”
Shawn looked over at Jesse and replied, “Okay.”
Jesse asked, “What do you feel like eating?”
“It doesn’t matter to me.” Shawn wasn’t really sure
how he would be eating but he didn’t want to make Jesse mad and didn’t say
They were on their way to their favorite Burger place
and as Shawn inspected the brace on his hand up to his elbow Jesse said lowly,
“Hey, I'm sorry about your wrist.”
Shawn had not expected an apology since Jesse had not
shown lots of emotions all day, “It’s okay. I’ll be all right…somehow.”
Jesse added, “I’m thinking about taking you over to
Uncle Randy’s house while I’m at work this week.”
Shawn was surprised and asked carefully, “Randy is
“Yeah, but his girlfriend only works half days and
then I know you have someone there just in case. I can pick you up after I get
off from work every day. I’ll call them tonight.”
Shawn replied lowly, “I think I'd be all right at
Jesse threw a serious look at Shawn that clearly
showed his disagreement. Shawn didn’t want to argue. Jesse was probably right.
When they arrived at the Burger joint they found
parking and Jesse helped Shawn get in his chair. Shawn was embarrassed because
Jesse had parked close to the windows of the restaurant and people could see
how Jesse basically lifted him out of the truck and into his chair.
Shawn kept his eyes down, making sure not to meet
anyone’s gaze from behind the window. Inside the restaurant they found a seat
accessible for Shawn. Shawn could always feel people initially glance at him,
sometimes curiously and sometimes like they felt sorry for him.
Especially when women his age eyed him curiously he always
tried to not meet their eyes. He couldn’t even imagine they would check him out
because he wasn’t bad looking. He didn’t think women would still be interested
in him. He felt incomplete and insecure about himself in the wheelchair and
never thought that any woman would even waste a minute thinking about him in
any other way, especially when Jesse was with him. He felt worse in Jesse’s
presence, because he knew women were checking Jesse out all the time. Jesse had
a way with women, he didn’t even try or have to do anything and they smiled and
giggled around him. Usually Jesse didn’t even realize how he made women nervous
around him, holding the doors for them, smiling at them or giving out a random
compliment making them feel special.
Even the young waitress was giggly and flirty, now
taking their orders and Jesse didn’t even realize, just smiling at her and
ordering. Shawn watched the situation and he couldn’t help that sometimes he
felt jealous and at the same time he felt like he was the cage keeping Jesse
from just living his life, enjoying women and having fun.
Jesse glanced up and met Shawn’s eyes and Shawn looked
down quickly. The day had been strange and tense between the two brothers and
Shawn didn’t know how to act. He had a feeling that Jesse was just really mad
at him still. He usually was never this reserved and before he was silent he
would have a talk with Shawn about whatever was the problem. Even during their
dinner they didn’t really talk. Shawn had ordered a Cheeseburger which Jesse
actually had to cut into pieces for him so he could eat it with a fork. Any
movement with his left hand hurt.
At the store Shawn decided to stay in the truck.
asked him, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Do you need anything?”
Shawn told Jesse a few items he needed and Jesse was
It took about 30 minutes until Jesse came back with a cart full of bags
which he unloaded into the truck bed and then pulled the cover over the truck
bed. It looked like it would rain again.
Shawn had dozed off and was startled when Jesse jumped
into the driver side. He started the truck and they drove off and made their
way out of town. It started to drizzle, Jesse turned on the windshield wipers.
Shawn had felt bad all day about the whole situation and the distance between
him and Jesse. It was difficult for him to be that way with his brother.
Eventually he asked lowly, “Jesse, what’s going on
with you today?”
Jesse leaned forward to turn the music down and
answered, “What do you mean?”
Shawn looked at him from the side, “Jesse, you haven’t
talked to me all day. What did I do? Whatever it is I’m sorry and if it's
about yesterday, I know I fucked up.”
Jesse nodded, sighed loudly and without moving his
eyes from the road he said, “Yeah, you did Shawn, you really fucked up!”
“You're still mad about it?”
Jesse sighed, “You pissed me off so bad Shawn…but I
had no right to….to hit you. I fucked up just as bad.”
Shawn said lowly, “Oh well, it happened. I'm not
holding a grudge, I deserved to get my ass kicked by you.”
Jesse added, “But what is the deal Shawn, she was our
only hope…we need the money I can make. Why did you act like such an idiot
Shawn took a deep breath and looked down at his braced
arm, then looked up and licked his lips before he spoke, “Jesse…I’m terrified
for you to leave. All of this…” he gestured over his body, “…my messed up
body…you've been the only person I let get close to me and all my issues.”
Jesse pulled the truck over into a trail which veered
off from the dirt road. He turned the ignition off and looked over at Shawn.
Shawn continued with a shaky voice, “Even letting you
help me with everything hasn't been easy for me…Jesse…do you know how
embarrassing all this is for me, how frustrating to be depending on someone to
be close by in case things happen. I fall out of this fucking chair because I
don’t want to buckle in like a little kid. I pee on myself, I shit on myself and
don’t even know it. I have to insert a fucking tube into my dick every couple of
hours and drain my paralyzed bladder. I sleep with a diaper on and hope I won’t
leak into my bed. I look like a freak when the spasms terrorize my body. My legs
are looking more and more like toothpicks. It's hard enough to let you help me
with all of this shit. How do you even think for a minute that I could let this
women, who looks like some chick out of a Playboy magazine, help me with my
daily life for five weeks, living with me and witnessing every clumsy and
fucked up attempt at living a somewhat normal life.”
He paused and Jesse realized Shawn breathing quickly
and his voice trembling when he continued, “Jesse, I can’t even jerk off
anymore, instead I pee all over myself and don’t even feel a fucking thing.”
Shawn kept on with a trembling voice, “I'm a joke of
a guy, Jesse and there is no way I can let her in on it...not her.”
He balled his right hand into a fist, “I know we need
the money, I know, but I can’t do it…not with her.”
Shawn looked at Jesse, waiting for a response. Jesse
looked over at Shawn and saw his eyes shiny.
Shawn added, “Jesse, you know I'm not doing good with
this, it's still difficult for me to deal with it all. I hate my life and my body. I’m
fucked up but you're the only person I trust and the only person who knows how
to deal with me, physically and psychologically. I'm scared if you decide to
leave for the job or anything for the matter. I hate myself for keeping you
from the things you want to do and long for. I know I’m the only reason you are
not gone yet or married to a hot woman or have kids. I know you love kids, I
saw it today at the ER once again.”
A tear escaped from Shawn’s eye and he looked down,
“Jesse, every day I wish I could turn back time…every fucking day I think about
how I was before. Sometimes I wish I would have died in the accident. The worst
thing is that I can’t blame anyone but myself. I live with that every day, I
fucked myself up big time.”
Some more tears dripped down, Shawn wiped over his
face and looked out the side window into the woods. Jesse was speechless at Shawn’s revelation and he had
felt his own vision get blurry watching his brother in such pain and with so
much guilt and fear.
He thought of the right thing to say and after taking
a breath saying softly, “Shawn…”
He wasn’t sure what to say but made another attempt,
“Shawn, I won’t leave you. You're the only person I have.”
He paused, then continued, “I know how hard all of
this is for you and how hard it has been. I'm trying to make you feel better
but I know I'm failing and it's eating me up. Sometimes I feel you're
slipping away from me into this dark hole and I don’t know how to pull you out.
Even though you are different now you can still live a pretty normal life,
Shawn. I try to cheer you up, make you feel better about everything, try to be
there for you and I keep going every day and put on a smile but at night
sometimes when I finally sit down I could just break down from exhaustion and
trying to keep you above water, while you keep pulling me under. We need some
time apart Shawn. I'm going to take the job, no matter what. I'm going to call
Evergreen Nursing Home tomorrow and talk to them about you staying there while
I'm gone. You don’t want Trish, I get it and I understand it, but we need the
money I can make. I'm sorry Shawn.”
Shawn was still fighting his emotions but this was the
first time he heard Jesse mention the Nursing Home. Jesse had made up his mind,
he would definitely take the job.
Shawn looked over at Jesse, “Evergreen Nursing Home?”
Jesse nodded, “Yes, they have short term care option
and I think it would be the best thing to do.”
Shawn wiped over his face once more, he was surprised
how Jesse just threw this at him, “Jesse, I can’t do that, we can ask Randy
“Shawn, I have no other choice and I will take this
job for us. We need the money, it'll be for four or five weeks tops and then
I'll be home again.”
Shawn didn’t know what to say but felt overrun by
Jesse and his decision. Jesse started the truck again, pulled out of the small
road and got back onto the dirt road leading to their house.
Once Jesse had helped Shawn into the house, he hurried
in and out to get the groceries out of the truck bed. Shawn tried to help as
much as possible putting the groceries away with only one hand.
Jesse knew he was struggling, “I got it Shawn, don’t
worry about it.”
Shawn was relieved at the comment, he did feel tired
and wheeled with some difficulties over to the living room. Next to the couch
he attempted to get out of his chair onto the couch but he couldn’t do it with
one hand and stopped trying.
Jesse came over, “Here…”
He helped Shawn onto the couch and Shawn thanked him
His broken wrist had made him even more helpless now
and his mood had stooped very low. He didn’t turn on the TV, but just laid
there thinking about the conversation with Jesse and trying to control his
emotions lingering from earlier taking over. The failed attempt to transfer was
another painful reminder how dependent he was on others at the moment.
Jesse was bustling in the kitchen emptying bags and
storing items in the cabinets and the refrigerator.
Shawn felt his body tremble, he swallowed and tried to
keep himself under control breathing normal and steady. A loneliness he had not
felt in a long time overcame him. There had been dark and desperate moments
over the last one a half years but he hadn’t felt like this in a while. He was
on anti-depressives which were supposed to keep him balanced and sane, but some
days were worse than others.
On this Sunday after all the issues he felt lost and
guilty. He didn’t want to break down, he was trying his hardest not to be
overcome by sadness but it was happening right then and there on the couch. He
wanted to get away into his room but he couldn’t.
Not caring how much his wrist hurt he sat up and
attempted to transfer back into his chair.
Jesse saw it and said from the kitchen, “Shawn, what’s
up? Hold on, let me help you!”
He came over and as he approached his brother, Shawn
kept his eyes down but Jesse asked, “Shawn, bro, what’s going on?”
Shawn could not speak and only shook his head.
Jesse was unsure at what to do, “Shawn?”
He knew Shawn had a hard time with how everything was,
he had had moments of frustration a lot and Jesse usually couldn’t do too much.
He loved his brother but showing love between them was not obvious, it was an
Jesse sat down on the small coffee table watching
Shawn and saying lowly, “Shawn, I'm here for you, what’s up?”
He suffered with Shawn and he felt compassion for him,
but he couldn’t do much more than just to be there for him in moments of
despair. Shawn had fallen back on to the couch after the failed attempt of
transferring into his chair. Jesse looked down trying to find something to say.
Shawn spoke with a low and trembling voice, “Jesse,
sometimes I just don’t know how to keep going.”
They looked at each other, Shawn’s eyes were shiny and
Jesse said with a sad expression, “You're doing good Shawn. I know it's
hard…” he paused and then added, “…maybe we should sell this place and move?”
Jesse thought for a moment, then said, “It’s too far
out here, it gets lonely, especially for you when I am at work and stuff. It's
no wonder you're depressive.”
Jesse felt his own words were words of trying to
convince himself that he was strong enough for his brother. Inside he was scared
and worried he could not hold Shawn over water for too much longer. Shawn
looked down on his legs, wiped over his face and then looked at Jesse with
shiny eyes and said lowly, “Jesse, please don’t call the Nursing Home.”
Jesse looked up expectantly and Shawn added, “Call the
Shawn nodded, “…or I can call her…I have to apologize
Jesse shrugged his shoulders and nodded, “Are you
Shawn nodded, “…if she even wants to come out here
Jesse replied, “Yeah…”
“Do you still have her number?”
“Yeah, programmed in my phone.”
Jesse pulled his phone out of his jeans back pocket
and went through his contact list quickly sliding his fingers over the screen,
“Here it is…Trish Brooks.”
Shawn shifted to a more upright position and took the
phone from Jesse.
Jesse said, “You want to call her now?”
Shawn nodded. Jesse watched Shawn touch the screen and
call button. He cleared his throat and then waited.
Jesse whispered, “Put it on speaker.”
Shawn put it on speaker quickly and they heard the
ringer, a crackle and then her voice, “Hello?”
Shawn started, “Is this Trish?”
“Trish, this is Shawn Callahan. You were at our…”
Trish cut him off, “I know who you are.”
Shawn heard the tone in her voice and replied, “Hey, I
want to…apologize for what I said yesterday…it was inappropriate and stupid. I'm very sorry.”
Trish didn’t make it easy, “Okay.”
She didn’t say anything else and Shawn asked, “Are you
“Yes, I accept your apology.”
Shawn felt relieved but still nervous, “My brother
Jesse was very mad at me.”
Jesse looked down and Trish replied, “I bet he
was…your brother cares a lot about you.”
“I know he does.”
at Jesse, who still had his eyes down, looking at his folded hands, just listening
to the conversation.
Shawn added lowly, “I want to ask you to reconsider
being my personal assistant while my brother is gone.”
Trish took a deep breath on the other end. She was
really surprised at the call from Shawn, it had come unexpected.
She had thought she would never hear or see of him
again, “I don’t know.”
Shawn got nervous at the reply, “If you won’t take the
job I'll have to go to a Nursing Home, because Jesse is going to take on the
job no matter what. I don’t want to go to a Nursing Home.”
Shawn tried to find more words to convince her, “I do
need help sometimes, I'm not very good at being paraplegic.”
Trish couldn’t help a small smile brush over her face at
his last few words. Jesse also looked up at Shawn at his words.
Trish sighed on the other end, “I will think about it.”
Shawn was discouraged, he really thought he had her
with his admitting he needed help, “Jesse leaves for the job in two weeks, August
“I'll let you know by the end of the week.”
He paused a
moment, then added lowly, “I really hope you'll change your mind about me.”
Trish didn’t say anything about that, but finished,
“I’ll call you. Thanks for calling again. Bye Shawn!”
Shawn heard the
beep of Trish hanging up and handed Jesse the phone, “I don’t know.”
Jesse put his phone back into his pocket, “I
don’t know either. She didn’t sound too convinced. Let’s hope she’ll come
around.” Shawn nodded in agreement.