Recap of Chapter 10
Still at the Vincent’s, they all have an unexpected
visit. Melissa and Ted show up for Patrick’s birthday and Matt has a private
conversation with his ex for the first time in months. Ted also announces their
engagement. This meeting leaves Matthew and Cassie somewhat meditative and
uneasy. During a make out session Matt finds out he has another health issue in
an intimate part of his body.
I wake up early
a little bit disoriented. The room is very dark and I realize I’m at my parents.
I need to cath badly and I can’t see a thing. Cassie is leaning against my back,
her arms wrapped around my torso. I guess I’ll have to wake her up to untangle
myself from her possessive grip, and turn the light on to see where I’m going.
I first try to do it gently but she doesn’t let go.
“Cass, I am
sorry but if you don’t want to end up in wet sheets you’d better let me go to
the bathroom.”
“I am sorry
Matt but you told me to never leave you.”
Her sleepiness
doesn’t take away her sense of humor.
“Well, that didn’t
include escorting me to my personal urgent needs!”
I still have a
problem letting her witness my unorthodox calls of nature. Since the accident,
apart from the medical staff, only my dad and Ted saw me pee in a tube and take
care of my bowel routine. I kiss her shoulder and afraid she might take it
badly I have to point out,
“That being
said, I have no objection if we happen to be in the bathroom at the same time,
especially if it involves a shared shower.”
She sets me
free with a sleepy smile.
“Duly noted, my
favorite patient.”
I turn my chair
around with a quizzical frown as she goes on, “Do I have to remind you I am
your appointed nurse for a while? You assigned me a job and I intent to carry
it out successfully.”
I almost forgot
about the pressure sore and I’m thankful she saw it in its early stage. I’ll let
her take care of my back side again after I take a bath. As I need my father’s
help to do so, I guess it will have to wait. Bathtubs suck, at least for me!
They are not wheelers’ favorite utilities whereas large shower stalls are.
When I get out of
the bathroom, Cass is not in bed anymore. I slip on a Black Hawks sweat-shirt
and wriggle in black sweat pants. I just put on some socks with no shoes and
head to the kitchen. It’s seven in the morning and all three women are already
around the breakfast table drinking a mug of coffee.
“Morning
girls!”
“Matt! What’s
the matter?” At first I think my hair is sticking out in all directions or I
have puffy eyes, or maybe my t-shirt is inside out. What do I know? Women are
so observant. I simply forgot I am seated crooked in my chair, leaned on one
side of my body, the other side lifted up on a pillow.
“Oh, that? Just
a pain in the butt! I have a pressure sore but don’t worry; it’s all taken care
of by nurse Cassie.”
Saying that I
just realize Abby is the real nurse student and I see her cringe.
“It’s just an
ointment to apply twice a day Abs. It’s no big deal and you don’t want to see
your big brother’s bony ass.”
“Don’t joke
about this Matt. You know it can be serious. You’ll have to let me check it and
judge if it needs further care.”
I pretend to be
impressed by her severe and professional tone and I let her win.
“Ok Doc. After
my bath you’ll do your consult.”
My father is
still sleeping and he must be tired because he is usually not a big sleeper.
“Dad is not
sick, is he?”
My mother rolls
her eyes with a hopeless look,
“Oh, no don’t
worry Matt. He just went to bed at three in the morning after he opened the
Santa Maria ship, and started to sort all the pieces out.”
I chuckle imagining
the mess on his desk with his concentrated face leaned on it.
“Ladies, this
morning I am going to cook breakfast for everyone.”
“Wow! I need to
see that. And what is the menu Chef Matthew?”
Abby knows I
hate cooking and if I ever decide to make the effort it is never very
conclusive. But as the saying goes: it is
the thought that counts. As I peep
in the fridge for the required ingredients, I announce pompously, “We are having French toasts, scrambled
eggs with slices of bacon and other yummy stuff I’ll run into.”
The countertop
is a little bit too high for me, but as I am tall, even in my chair I can
manage with the pots and pans and reach the stove without help.
As they are all
three of them checking up on me and trying to assist in everything I do, I send
them away pointing my finger ahead,
“Out! Go in the
living room for girlie talk or watch soap operas. The cook doesn’t need spies in
the kitchen. He will call you when it’s ready.”
I wheel in
their wake to chase them away and pat Cassie’s behind. They all laugh playfully
but I am told off in unison,
“What a mean
cook you are!”
“My brother in
charge of the kitchen? Better be ready!”
“Matt, you are
my son and I trust you, but not in there!
In the next
half-hour I busy myself in front of the stove dipping the bread in the egg
mixture and laying the slices in the hot pan. I also fry the bacon strips and
cook the scrambles eggs following an organized plan, and I am secretly proud of
myself. For once I am deft without creating a mess. I’m almost done when I grab
the handle of the large skillet and burn my thumb. I let it go with a shout. On
second thoughts this kitchen is not totally handicapped-accessible. Predictably
I am surrounded in seconds. I have my finger in my mouth but it’s nothing
serious. I smile at my audience and their anxious faces relax.
“Well, good
timing. You can bring your plates ladies.”
I even had time
to set the table for five with pastries, butter, jellies and orange juice. They
look at me obviously impressed. Cassie takes my sore thumb in her hand and
kisses it.
“It’s all red
Matt. You’re going to have a blister. We should put something on it.”
“Forget it.
It’s called ‘occupational hazard’ and your awestruck faces staring at the
breakfast table show me a little work accident is worth it.”
The girls put
all the food in dishes and we have another cup of coffee waiting for my father
to come down.
We savor a nice
and animated brunch in an easy-going atmosphere. My father is really happy with
his presents and he is already making plans with my mom about their coming
trip.
“Would you mind
if we go for Christmas and not spend the end of the year with you?”
“Not at all Dad.
It’s your vacation and we are not kids anymore. We already celebrated Thanksgiving
all together, so I guess we can live without you for a few weeks. You seem to
forget since I joined the NFL, I missed more than one holiday spending them in
hotel rooms away from Chicago.”
“That’s true
but you are here now. We can catch up.”
He seems to
have second thoughts, feeling guilty to leave us for the holidays.
“I have Cassandra
now and a lot of friends, so it’s settled. Knock yourselves out with French and
Italian Christmas’ trees, romantic strolls and good food. And don’t worry I
won’t leave Abs behind.”
Talking about
food I ate like an ogre and for sure I’m going to skip dinner. Everyone helps
to clear out the table and do the dishes. Then my father asks a little shyly,
“Cassie, how
about I show you my ships and give you a quick history lesson?”
I grin. I knew
he couldn’t resist. He does that to all the persons he likes and his son’s new
girlfriend is an important and lovable one.
“Of course
Patrick I’d love too.”
She gives me a
quick glance of complicity while my father immediately adds,
“If it’s ok
with you Matt. Can you keep busy downstairs for a while? I promise I won’t hold
Cassie for too long with my pirates and explorers fleet.”
“Yes, I can
Dad. You don’t have to entertain me.”
I am a little
bit offended assuming I’m treated like a child, a disabled child who can’t stay
by himself without supervision,
“Sorry Matthew, I didn’t mean it that way.”
He sensed my affected curt answer I regret my over reaction to his
true concern, “I’ll
watch TV and if it is more than a while, which I bet all my savings on it, I’ll
read or take a nap or I’ll go jogging around the block. Just kidding! She is all
yours and you are a good teacher, she will be interested.”
Cassie gives me
an innocent kiss in front of my amused dad and they go up.
I transfer to
the couch and turn the TV on. I long for a hockey game and click on the DVR
option knowing my father records them all. I watch one followed by the
sportscasters’ comments for over two hours and my dad and Cassie are a still upstairs.
My mom and Abby have been in the kitchen for a while baking a birthday cake
before we leave tonight. Tomorrow Cassie has to go back to work and I have a
very busy schedule at the rehab center. From word of mouth, people are coming
from different hospitals and places, especially to work with me, and some of
them live far away. I mostly have children since my good results with Tim.
Right now I feel a bit lonely in this big house usually filled with action. I
haven’t been upstairs for evident technical reasons, and I recall my father’s
disappointed face when I told him I couldn’t see the renovations on the second
floor. I know he would be so excited to also show me his new boats, and I am
frustrated to be confined to the first floor. Plus I badly need a shower and
there are two in the bedrooms upstairs. Screw it! I can do this. I go back to
the bedroom and fight with my uncooperative legs to lock them up in the braces,
and get out of my chair with the crutches. Today I intent to climb up a flight
of stairs, two flights to be exact, with a little help. At least I’m going to
give it a try. I motivate myself thinking it is also good to heal my pressure
sore. I crutch to the kitchen while no one is watching my ungainly style. When
I cross my mom and Abby’s path, I sweep away their startled stares with a sign
of the hand, “I need a little help here. I want to go upstairs and surprise Dad
but I can’t do it alone.”
“You sure it’s
safe Matt?”
“We’ll see in a
bit, Mom. No, really I should be ok.”
I’ve never done
so many stairs before and I don’t know how my body is going to react to such
strain, but I want to do it and I’m not backing out. Abby isn’t too thrilled
about the idea either but she agrees,
“If that’s
really what you want and you think you are up to it, we’ll help you.”
And here I am,
at the bottom of the staircase looking up like I have a mountain to climb and
counting the steps as if it’s the challenge of a lifetime.
“Ok let’s do
it. Abs, I have to hold on to you on the right and Mom, stay behind me at all
times in case I lose my balance.”
I grasp the
handrail as hard as I can with my left hand and I wrap my right arm around Abby
shoulder tightly. I have to leave my crutches behind. They are more of an
obstacle than a support for this perilous exercise. I try to put my weight
mostly on my left side in order not to be too heavy on Abby. This is where I
have a bit of sensation in my thigh and foot but as I can’t lift my legs, I have
to use my upper body and arm strength to get me up. My mom is one step behind
with her hands on my waist to prevent me for falling. She also does a bit of
lifting while I push on Abby’ side. I am already panting after three steps when
I say wryly to my sister,
“I’m sorry Abs
but you are going to have a sore shoulder tomorrow. I will owe you a massage.”
“Don’t worry
about it and concentrate.”
I keep on going
counting five more stairs before the first landing, and try to forget about
level two for now. I know it’s a total of eighteen stairs, and I’ll be pleased
with myself if I am able to reach half of it. Right now I am nowhere near
taking up my challenge. I push on the rail, lean on Abby while my mom keeps on
heaving up my waist, so my feet don’t trip over the steps. Finally we are on
the landing but all three of us are panting. My head is spinning, my heart is
pounding and my legs choose this rest stop to go crazy. Only my braces keep me
straight and still standing. I feel I am going to fall but I let go of the rail
regardless. I don’t have any strength left. My mom is here to catch me by the arm
and hold me.
“I have to rest
a few minutes but I’m not sure I can do the other one.”
“Of course you
can’t Matt. You are too hard on yourself, this is insane. Let me get your
father.”
My mom is
worried and upset, but being only half way frustrates me. I so much wanted to
surprise my dad and Cassie in the workshop, but let’s face it, the spasms
attack will stuck me here.
“DAD! Can you
please come down for a minute? We have a surprise.”
That’s Abby
shouting in the staircase. I find it nice of her to keep the suspense. My
father is on the other side of the hallway and the walls are soundproof. Otherwise
he would have heard the heavy breathing, the panting and my grunts of effort.
After one minute I hear footsteps coming. He freezes on top of the stairs with
Cassie in his wake.
“Matt! How…? What
are you doing up here? ”
He seems
shocked but also proud, and I can see a smile lighten his face. As for Cassie
she looks at me beaming.
“Trying to
impress you and free my girlfriend from a two hour kidnapping.”
I try to be
witty but I don’t fool anyone. I am drenched with sweat; my whole body is
shaking from my legs spasticity, and I am clinging to my mother and my sister,
barely standing.
“Oh, Matt! I
knew you could go it. That’s my best birthday present.”
“It better be
because it’s the most costly. Now it’s your turn to help me out for the rest of
the way.”
“I’d be honored
son. I thought you’d never ask.”
Cassie joins
him and they both hold me under the arms. They try to lift me but I’m a dead
weight. I can’t even do one more step. I can’t move an inch and my left leg is
killing me.
“I am sorry
Dad. Don’t stress yourself. I’ll be worthless until those spasms subside.”
“Matt you’re
not going to stay standing in the middle of the stairs.”
If Cassie likes
me tall she doesn’t like to see me struggle or be in pain, and she is
resourceful, “Let’s get you out of the braces so you can at least relax your
legs and bend your knees. I’ll bring a chair so you can sit.”
“Whatever.”
I am in no
position to argue and I feel exhausted. Quickly the chair is brought and set
right behind me. Once again, my father and Cassie hold me tight and help me sit
down. I would call it ‘collapse’ but it’s my point of view. Cassie unlocks the
orthosis and Abby helps her remove them. I can let out a relieved sigh. My legs
are so happy to be free from those torturous devices that they are having the
time of their lives, jumping, leaping, convulsing and moving in all directions.
I don’t care anymore and don’t do anything to make the shaking stop. Abby can’t
even pull on my feet, because I am seated precariously on a regular chair. On top
of that I have to stay titled on one side because of the pressure sore. I don’t
have any balance and the wooden back is a bad support for my aching spine.
“Let’s get you
up son. You’re almost there. Nancy, will you please bring the wheelchair up
quickly?”
Without further
notice he grabs me under the knees and around the waist and lifts me in his
arms. I feel nervous and embarrassed being held like a child by my father, but
I’m helpless. I wrap my arms around his neck and let him carry me up. I am a
heavy built guy but so is he. I trust his strength and we are up the staircase
at the same time my mom goes around us with my wheelchair. Fortunately it is a
light titanium frame, and she has no difficulty to bring it up. I have never
been so happy to be in it again.
I have a hard
time to be my former self again, and if the spasms lower in intensity they
don’t stop. My left hip and thigh cruelly let me know they didn’t appreciate
this strenuous climbing at all.
“Well I guess
it wasn’t such a good plan, and I am sorry to put you all through this. I
overestimated myself and I know now I definitely have to avoid stairs.”
I see guilt and regret in my father’s eyes and it hurts my feelings. It wasn’t the plan. He didn’t force me into this. I wanted to impress him, but I also wanted to test myself.
I see guilt and regret in my father’s eyes and it hurts my feelings. It wasn’t the plan. He didn’t force me into this. I wanted to impress him, but I also wanted to test myself.
“No, I am sorry
Matt. It is my fault. I put this idea into you and you did it for me. I am
grateful and proud but I have been selfish. I wanted so bad to have you up here
I didn’t realize it would be so hard on you.”
“It was but I
am here now. Don't sweat it Dad. I did it for me too.You can show me whatever you wish, because I’m going to stay a
while. I am not ready to go down yet.”
I haven’t had
the chance to really pay attention to my surroundings with the awkward ordeal,
but now I can appreciate the new look of the house. I notice the floor has been
completely remodeled. The thick carpet has been replaced with high-hand wood
floors, the previous windows and doors have been enlarged, a new eggshell paint
on the walls gives a clean and modern look to the place.
“You really did
something nice here Dad.”
“Wait until you
see the bedrooms and my study.”
“You mean you’re
workshop. Ok, first let’s go see the place where you spend all your spare time and
show me your new boats.”
I start to wheel
to the end of the hallway, but my arms are weak and my left side is still
painful. I don’t even have the strength to push on my rims, and I feel my dad’s
hands on my shoulders,
“Can I Matt?”
“Can I Matt?”
My wheelchair
has no handles and no armrests. The only way to push me has to involve touching
me which I hate, but this time I don’t protest. It’s my father after all and he
just lifted me up in his arms, so what can be more humiliating? He wheels me to
his room with Cassie by my side and parks me in front of his glass display. I
pat the back of his hand which is still resting on my shoulder and we stay like
this, silent for a while.
“Thanks Dad.”
“Don’t mention
it.”
Now I feel both
his hands squeeze my shoulders tighter. This is a moving and sensitive gesture
and I feel a pang. We always have been close, but since my accident the father
and son bond has tightened a great deal.
“I love you
Dad.”
“I love you too
Son.”
I sense a wave
of emotion in his tone and I turn over to him. His eyes are shiny while mine
become blurry. Cassie is silent, just respecting our moment of emotional
intimacy. I need a minute to get a grip on myself too. He straightens up, regains
his self control and gives me a tour of his expanded fleet. I listen carefully
and with interest not only to please him, but also because he made me like
scale modeling. I participated in the making of a few of those models, and it
is one of my best childhood memories. I really enjoyed it. Maybe I could help
him since I have now a lot of time for myself.
After that we
take a tour of Abby’s bedroom and I can see the big change. No more pink
bedspread and curtains, no more stuffed animals and the posters of Britney
Spears and Justin Bieber are long gone. It is now an adult female room with shelves
filled with books about nursing, family, scenery photos and a full size
anatomical figure by her desk. We can see the skin, the muscles and the bones
of the skeleton, and I grin at Cassie’s disgusted groan.
“I would have bad dreams every night with such a scary guest.”
“I agree; it’s
kind of depressing. I just hope this not so handsome dude will help her to pass
the final exam.”
Anyhow, I have
a reminder she is still my baby sister. On our way out, I recognize with an
affected smile the big stuffed giraffe I offered her for one of her birthday. It
was several ago but not only had she kept it, the animal sits imposingly on her
bedside table. At that time she wanted to be a veterinarian in Africa. Her room
was turned into a wild animal zoo, and for a moment I wonder what happened to
the elephant, the cheetah, the rhino and the hippo. Obviously the Giraffe was
her favorite, but the choice must have been tough. I also notice her laptop is opened
on a Facebook page in the middle of her bed.
We move on to
the guest room in which my parents are staying for the week-end because of me,
and I feel bad once again. It is a large comfortable room but each time I come they
have to move one level up. My father seems to guess my discomfort and says,
“You see Matt, this room is bigger than the master and we have a view.”
I give a glance
through the window and right now all I can see is houses and gardens under the
snow in a heavy haze.
“I’ll have to
trust you on that Dad, but I do remember the lake and the endless green fields.
I really need a shower now, and I guess there is still one in the old bedroom,
right?”
“You bet Matt. You
should have everything you need in there, but don’t hesitate to call for help
if anything is missing.”
On this note,
he discreetly leaves me with Cassie.
I never lived in
this house, and even if my parents assigned me this bedroom I slept here only occasionally.
They did put my old stuff in it though; my school and college diplomas, my
sport trophies, my books and even my video games. The new walking closet is
still filled with some old clothes and every piece of my college hockey gear.
They brought almost about everything from the old house to Chicago, when they
decided to move closer to me. I have a shock when I enter the bathroom. The
small outdated shower is now a huge marble stall equipped with a jet system
panel, a detachable shower head and a tempered thick glass door. I can see a
wide tiled bench against the back wall with a silicone gel cushion on it. I
don’t miss the few grab bars here and there either. Did my father really think
I could use this shower again one day? Apparently yes. He never gave up on the
idea of getting me upstairs. I am suddenly glad to please him and enjoy this
new bathroom for the first time.
“Ok. Care for a
shower with me baby? I’ve missed you all afternoon and I have some catching up
to do.”
‘That’s exactly
what I was thinking.”
Cassie
undresses me in no time with a naughty look and I do the same to her.
“Oh boy, I
needed this badly.”
I am seated on
the bench, my back propped up against the wall letting the hot water flow down with
delight on my face. The time of the shower, I am going to forget about the
pressure sore. Cassie is standing in front of me with her hands on my
shoulders. I can see her knees touching mine and she leans to kiss me
passionately,
“I gather you
missed that as much as I did!”
I return the
kiss taking advantage to pull her onto my lap. I am sliding a bit forward
because I am not as comfortable as in my shower chair and my muscles are weak
from the exhausting climbing. We are both soaking wet now and still kissing as
if we were drug addicts badly in need of a fix. Right now my drug is Cassie’s
warm pulpy mouth and the feel of her soft breasts under the tip of my fingers.
Sensually I run my hands over her firm belly, her well-shaped hips and thighs.
Resting my chin on her shoulder, I whisper under the pouring water,
“Oh Cassie,
you are so beautiful. You make me feel good, so damn good. I can’t wait to make
love to you.”
“I want you to but be patient a little longer, Matt. We have been in this shower for half an hour, we haven’t even washed yet and you need a shave. Your parents are going to wonder if we didn’t drown!”
“I want you to but be patient a little longer, Matt. We have been in this shower for half an hour, we haven’t even washed yet and you need a shave. Your parents are going to wonder if we didn’t drown!”
“Yeah, you‘re
right. I guess we have to end this for now if you promise me you will be my
barber.”
“Deal! Let’s
get rid of this stubble even if I find it sexy on you.”
We wash quickly
and dry ourselves off. Cassie finds shaving cream and disposable razors in one
the drawers, and starts her new assignment with obvious satisfaction. I lean
back in my wheelchair and let her take care of my two-day beard lasciviously.
Her hand on my cheeks and my chin is ecstatic. The way she holds my nose and
turns my head from side to side really turns me on. I close my eyes and try to
control the chills and shivers this sexy session is doing to me. When she is
done I almost fell asleep. The hot towel she applies on my face to remove the
remaining foam startles me but feels good on my skin.
“You are a
great barber Miss Miller, and I’ll definitely use your services again.”
“You are very
welcome Mister Vincent but all the pleasure was mine! I’ll get us clean clothes
and I’ll be right back.”
“I’m not going
anywhere.”
I close my eyes
and realize how tired I am, how weaker my body is even if I try to keep it fit.
Yet, I have to face reality and accept it. Don’t
delude yourself Matthew Vincent; you are no more than a shadow of your former
self.
She comes back
fast and my sudden gloomy thoughts are cut short. Before she lets me dress she doesn’t
forget to tend my butt sore. I feel clean and refreshed, I don’t have any
spasms and the sharp pain in my hip scaled down to a dull ache which is totally
bearable. I feel better but a bit lethargic. I could use a strong drink to give
me a boost. But before doing so, I need to get down those stairs. I don’t want
to call my dad again, and the way down is much easier than the way up. I
contemplate the eighteen steps from the top of the staircase to work out a
plan.
“Cass, hold my
chair will you?”
“What are you
doing Matt?”
“Just going
down.”
I bent forward,
put one hand on the floor, and drop heavily on it before she can object or talk
me out of it.
“Now, can you
take it down and wait for me at the foot of the stairs?”
She nods
without saying anything. She knows I am stubborn and I already made up my mind.
I do each stair on my butt pushing on my arms. The problem is my legs which I
have to constantly extend with my hands, so they don’t get stuck in the way. I
did it! I’m worn out but really proud of myself. I wink at Cassie before we
meet the family for our last gathering of the week-end.
“Matt! You are
downstairs. How did you do that?”
I chuckle, “You
don’t want to know.’’
He sounds
upset,
“But why didn’t
you call me?”
“Because I didn’t need help.”
“That is a good
reason. Is the new shower convenient?”
“Better than
that. It was worth doing a little bit of climbing!”
We have another
gourmet dinner and I can’t stick to my good intentions of skipping a meal. We
eat and I drink a little because I asked Cassie to drive on the way back. I
don’t feel one hundred percent, and even if I can’t feel my pressure sore I
know it got worse. I rubbed it back and forth on eighteen steps, and when I
catheterized I could see blood on my underwear.
It’s getting
late and time to go. We say our thank you and goodbyes to my family and every
one apparently enjoyed the week-end. I hadn’t planned my extra stunt, but I am
glad I did seeing my father’s cheerful face.
“Thank you so
much for my gifts Matt.”
I can see from
his blissful smile he included my second floor exploration. He looks younger
tonight and I feel good.
Before seating
in the passenger’ seat, I easily remove the hand control system for Cassie, and
as the car leaves the house we wave everybody goodbye again.
I feel
ridiculous in my askew position, but I can’t stay seated on my butt without
shifting my body every two minutes grabbing the passenger assist handle.
“Matt, are you
uncomfortable?”
“No, it’s just
that I can’t seat on this damned wound. I think I made it worse and I really
don’t want to wind up in the hospital.”
“I’ll take care
of it at home. Don’t stress yourself. You know, I really like your family a
lot. They are so nice to me. Your dad is quite a character. He is funny and
entertaining and you seem so close. Your parents are obviously family oriented,
and I am just wondering how come there is such a big difference between Abby
and you. I could picture you with more brothers and sisters.”
“Yeah, you hit
the big drama of their lives. My mom had many miscarriages before Abby, and
after her she couldn’t get pregnant anymore. They always wanted a big family
but they found comfort of having at least the two of us.”
“Oh, I am sorry
to hear that Matt, but they are lucky to have you. You are the best children
parents could ever dream of.”
“Well that’s an
overstatement. I don’t think a paraplegic son is the dream of every parent.”
“Matt! How can
you say such a horrible thing? Do you think your mom and dad love you less
because you can’t walk anymore?”
“No. You’re
right. But hockey was my life and my father’s life and I’ve ruined it all. It
will never be the same between us. We can’t share the thrill anymore and have
those exciting and animated conversations.”
“Yes, you can.
In another way but you still can. What happened is not your fault, but you
sound like you are worthless without your helmet and your stick.”
“You can’t
understand what I was like before, and it is exactly how I feel: worthless.”
I don’t know why
I am abruptly having this dull conversation. Everything has been so good and
cheerful those past few months. Why am I picking it on Cassie? She doesn’t
deserve my depressed state of mind.
“Forget it.
Sorry if I’m being stupid and thank you for putting up with me.”
I take her hand
and kiss the back of it. We stay silent for a while and it is her turn to think
out loud and ask me with a detached tone,
“You didn’t
tell me Melissa is so gorgeous.”
“Does it
matter? I’m with you now. You don’t have to fear anything from her. She is
getting married to my best friend and she is happy.”
“How do you
know that?”
“Because she
told me so.”
“You asked her?”
“Yes, why
wouldn’t I? We’ve been officially together since we are eighteen. I am now
twenty-nine, so do the math. I think we are close enough to inquire about each
other’s personal life. I really want her to be happy, so I don’t feel guilty
about the way I handled the situation. She didn’t want this, I did and I made
it happen without a lot of tact. I’m aware of that now. I have been an
insensible jerk. I was mean and cruel. Don’t forget I hooked them up together.”
“Does that mean
you regret it?”
“Regret what?”
“Breaking up
with her? Throwing her into Ted’s arms? Do you still love her? Do you want her
back?”
Her voice has
changed. She is upset, sad and …jealous. She is almost screaming at me, and
it’s the first time I see her really angry, especially at me.
“Cass, pull
over please. Let’s talk quietly. The road is slippery and you don’t want us to
end up snowbound in a field at night, in the middle of nowhere.”
She does as I
say and stops the car in the emergency lane. I am not the contentious kind of
guy. I hate fights and the least I want is an argument with Cassie about my ex,
but I guess she needs some answers. As I don’t have anything to hide from her I
am willing to talk about it and make things clear.
“Cass, you have
to believe me. I don’t love her anymore because I love you from the bottom of
my heart. I haven’t talked to her since I forbade her to come to visit me in
rehab. Don’t you think I owe her some explanations and a little bit of concern?
Didn’t you see her averted eyes when she talked to me? She still cannot bear to
watch me in my wheelchair and the sight of my still legs. When I transferred
from the couch, she bit her lips and flinched. Do you truly think I could stand
those looks in my daily life? This is the difference between you and her. What
you like in me she despises. It really upset me at first, you being drawn to my
handicap, but I’ve totally changed my mind after knowing you better. I don’t
mind your weird interest to my disability anymore, because I love the way you are and you look at
me. I couldn’t ask for more.”
She seems to be
in deep thoughts for a few minutes and I don’t want to interrupt.
“You know Matt
I love you and I’ve never been so happier in my life, but I don’t want to ever
suffer again the way I did with Jeffrey. He really hurt me a lot. I don’t want
to drag him down more than he deserves, but I didn’t tell you everything about
him.”
I am thinking
to myself: violent, abusive, cheap and full
of it. What could be worse?
“He cheated on
me several times. I guess I was young and too submissive. On top of it, I was stupid enough to believe he wouldn't do it again as he sworn on
his life. He lied, humiliated me, and made me look like the bad one but I have
changed.”
Whoa! She had
it all wrong with this perverse cheating son of a bitch. I can understand where
she gets her fragility and insecurity from. But I have hardly seen her so
furious especially when she goes on,
“I am not the
naive and weak girl I was a few years back, and I will never accept to be
treated like trash again. I know you are not like that at all Matt but…I am
afraid someday you will let me down. For now you are a dream relationship for
me, but what about when you will have your self-esteem back, your confidence,
the reassurance you are still a man who can be loved? You know you are a very
attractive man and I am not the only woman you could please.”
“What?”
Now I am the
one really pissed off.
“Do you imply I
am using you to test my sexual abilities? Or that I am going to cheat on you to
explore and compare? How could you even think like that? Didn’t I prove you
mean everything to me? Do you truly believe I could do to another woman what I
do to you? Or share my cripple intimacy, my freaking privacy? We are in this
together. It is as if you were my first. Doesn’t it count for you? This special
bond is ours Cassandra, and I am very disappointed if you imagine it can be
otherwise.”
We are both
upset and not in mood to pursue this awkward conversation.
“You can start
the car again. I am tired and I want to go home.”
For the remaining fifteen minutes we don’t
speak, both lost in our thoughts. The way back is done in a heavy silence and a
lot of disturbing questions pop up in my mind. She is afraid of Melissa,
thinking I might go back to her. She is scared to be cheated on. How could I do
that? Why? It’s a fact I have issues with my sexuality. I am still discovering
my broken body and very frustrated of my lack of erections, but does it mean I
would want to experience my new feelings with someone else? Absolutely not. How
can she not trust me as I trust her?
We park in the
garage. I take our bags on my lap, and we take the elevator without saying a
word. When we arrive in front of our doors, she is the first to talk timidly,
“You want me to
change the bandage on your sore?”
“No. I think I
can manage by myself. I am really tired and I think I’ll have bad spasms because
of the standing up and all. I’ll sleep alone tonight. You have to get up early
tomorrow. You need your sleep too. It’s better if we take a break…maybe for a
few days.”
She almost
whispers in a dull voice,
“Ok, if that’s
what you want.”
“Yes. It’s
better this way. Maybe you are right. We have been overexcited and I was so
happy to find a girl willing to have a sexual experience with a paraplegic, I
jumped at the opportunity. On your side you could fulfill a fantasy, so that
makes us even.”
I watch her
sharply and see she is trying hard to refrain from crying. She is about to say
something but she holds back. I hand her her bag without raising my head this
time. If we make eye contact, I’ll see her sad and tearful face again, and I am
afraid to give in. Right now I need to put things into perspective and think
this through.
“Good night
Cassandra.”
“Good night
Matthew.”
She answers
lowly turning her back on me, trying to open her door with a nervous hand.
As I enter my
apartment I drop my bag on the floor sighing in despair. I really didn’t
foresee our terrific week-end could wind up in such a fiasco. I should have known
Melissa’s visit in presence of Cassandra, and after all those months of silence
couldn’t be good. I’ve been fooled thinking it was all settled for everybody.
My parents have regrets and nostalgia of the past; they were already planning a
wedding. Abby holds a grudge against her because they were good friends. Ted
seems happy but still embarrassed around me, as if he was a traitor who stole
my girlfriend from me. And now the most important person in my life is jealous
and scared I can be unfaithful. I transfer on my bed still dressed. I remove
only my shoes and don’t even bother to slip under the sheets. I am completely
down with an empty soul.
You handled the plot of the story exceptionally well. Superb chapter!
ReplyDeleteOk, so you know I'm crying about the ending of this chapter! Im so worried about Matt getting more depressed and his bed sore. At the same time I understand Cassie concerns. This is a GREAT chapter and it depicts a real life scenario.
ReplyDeleteLove this story!
ReplyDelete