“That guy you texted… Jacob… he is disabled.”
It is not a question Marcus fires at me as he blocks my way out of
the kitchen in the early morning. I suppress a sigh. I guess we need
to go through this right now. I take a deep breath, bracing myself
and trying to clear my sleep-hazed brain.
“And you find him attractive.”
“In a way… yes.”
“Huh…”
“There was one kiss. But not more.” Not like you and her.
I do not feel any better than Marcus must have felt, though. “I’m
sorry, Marcus,” I whisper.
Marcuse scratches the stubble on his chin. There are dark shadows under his eyes. “I… uh… did some online reading yesterday
night.”
That makes two who barely slept.
“There is actually a name to it. You might be a devotee.”
I nod. Of course I know how to google as well. I have stumbled upon
the word before, have read blogs and message boards. Knowing I was
not the only one, knowing there were people out there like me has
helped me a lot.
“Is he in a wheelchair?”
“No, he uses a cane.” I say reluctantly. “He had a stroke. He
is our age,” I add when Marcus makes a face.
“I don’t really understand… What is it about his disability
that turns you on? What does he have that I don’t?”
I suppress a sigh. If only I knew. “I have no clue, really.”
He shakes his head, dazed. “Are you breaking up with me?”
I am a little perplex. When Marcus had told me he had fooled around I
had totally freaked out, including yelling and throwing things and
the whole dramatic program. It is remarkable how calm he is.
“Marcus…”
“I love you,” Marcus says, taking my hands in his. His are warm
and soft, hands that are rarely used for anything else than typing on
a keyboard. “You know that. I have done stupid things and I hope
you can forgive me. I have been the dumbest man on earth for hurting
you.”
My eyes grow moist as my heart swells and I swallow. “I’m sorry,
Marcus. I am. And I already forgave you, you stupid oaf.”
Marcus moves closer and carefully thumbs away the tears that will not
stop running down my cheeks. He wraps me in his two, healthy arms
while I dissolve, holding me tight like Jacob never could. We make
love on the kitchen table, right there and then, and our cries
probably wake up the whole building.
The thing is, I believe Marcus when he says he loves me. I love him,
too, I guess, only not in the way he deserves. And although I also
meant it when I said I had forgiven him, I do not know if he loves me
in the way I deserve.
***
“You did what?”
“I sold your stupid couch.”
“But… why?”
“Because it is a terrible waste of space and insult to my butt and
back?”
“Yes… but-”
“And you would never have gotten rid of it yourself so I took a
picture and put it online and voilà.”
“Huh… okay,” Jacob laughs hoarsely, his breath crackling
through the speaker. “You are sure they really want to have it?”
“They want to collect it next week. The price is decent considering
the poor guys won’t have the chance to actually try sitting on it
before they pay.” I grin.
“Okay… Hm…”
“Please?”
“I like that couch…”
I laugh. “No, you don’t”
Jacob groans. “Argh… I guess you are right… how is it that you
are always right?”
“I’m a woman, in case you forgot.”
He chuckles. “Well, thanks. Woman. Um… I don’t know if I want
to know but it seems like I should ask. What else did you put
online?”
“Oh, I tried the entire house but the owner of the site said
buildings where not allowed.”
Jacob is silent for a little while before he says: “That’s a
joke, right?”
“Hm… yes, but now that you mention it-“
“No, no, no, forget about that immediately, Miss. The couch, yes,
but I actually would like to still have a home at the end of this
month.”
I laugh. “Okay, okay. Got it. So… we need to buy a new couch for
you--”
“And you are going to make sure I get myself something decent.”
“Right.” I grin triumphantly although it is pointless since Jacob
cannot see it on the other end of the line.
“Well… I think I cannot stop you.”
This is how I end up at Jacob’s side when we enter a large
furnishing house after having had the first ice cream of the season.
It is a wonderful, sunny spring day and Jacob is in his best of
moods. He indicates a mock bow leaning on his cane with his right
foot against the door to the entrance to hold it open for me and I attempt to make
a curtsey before I walk through.
Marcus and I are still a thing and we did not really talk about my
revelation to him anymore. I do not exactly know what he thinks of
it. It seems like he decided to not want to know any more details and he told me he needs some time for processing. I start to
think that maybe this is the best arrangement: we stay in a
relationship that has worked for so many years and the twisted parts
of my sexual attraction stay in my head. It might be better that way,
for everyone.
It is just hard to keep anything in my head with Jacob nearby.
“How can I help you?”
We have barely entered the section for couches and beds when a tall,
middle-aged woman appears in front of us, her dyed hair slung tight
into a high bun on her head and the smile in her heavy made-up face
overly polite. It flickers a little when she registers Jacob’s
cane.
“I would like to buy a couch,” Jacob says, maintaining a friendly
attitude.
“One large enough to sleep on,” I add.
The shop assistant nods, visibly flustered. “For uh... one person?”
She looks from me to Jacob and back.
Jacob’s gaze scrapes me before he hastily directs it away. “I
guess for two is more convenient… in general.”
I nod, purposely not looking at him.
“Oh...” The woman frowns a little. “Okay, I am sure we have
something for you,” she exclaims hurriedly and turns to lead the
way down the hallway past a few smaller couches and side tables. She
is already several steps ahead in her high-heels when she realizes we
are not directly behind her and waits, pink-faced, for Jacob and me
to close up with her before continuing slower. I catch Jacob's raised
eyebrow and shrug, rolling my eyes. Whatever it is that is wrong with
that woman.
The shop assistant stops in front of a few larger couches and brings
her hands together in a somewhat apologetic gesture. “These are the
models I would usually recommend. They are large enough to be
converted into a bed for two people. But…” she glances at Jacob,
staring a second too long at his left arm, “in your special
situation I would maybe consider something else-“
“These are fine,” Jacob interrupts her, scowling now, his voice a
few edges sharper than usual.
The woman closes her mouth, visibly shocked that he dares to
undermine her expertise. For several seconds I am witness to a prime
staring contest; the shop assistant tight-lipped, Jacob's face not
exactly friendly anymore.
“Well… take a look around if you want,” she clips in the end.
Jacob and I wander around the couches, sit down on a few and I even
try my best at converting one into a bed following Jacob’s
instructions. To our relief, the shop assistant remains hovering
around in the background, sulking openly. Jacob manipulates his left
leg so that it is straightening out on the couch’s surface, his
shoes on the part of the upholstery that is clad in protective
plastic. He leans back, halfway twisted on his side and looks up at
me.
“Try this, it’s really comfortable.”
We both lie still side by side on our backs, staring at the rather
boring ceiling. I am the first starting to giggle. “This is the
worst shop I have every been to!”
Jacob starts laughing, too. “Hell, yes! I thought maybe I had
ice cream stains somewhere on my sleeve or leg, judging from that
terrible person's staring... I don't, do I?”
I feign scrutinizing him, then shake my head, shaking with suppressed
laughter. “No. Don't know what's her problem...”
“Ah... maybe it's just my stunning looks then.”
That makes me laugh out loud. “What are we even still doing here?”
Jacob shrugs. “I don’t know! I think I am searching a couch? Or a
couch might be searching me. I guess I am supposed to feel a
connection like – ding, magic! The couch chooses the wizard, you
know.”
I am laughing so hard, tears are streaming down my face and I notice
a second too late that Jacob has repositioned. He is hovering a
little above me, contemplating me with a more serious expression.
I sober down. “What?” I ask mockingly, in an attempt to revive
the light mood.
“Thanks for accompanying me. This is so much more fun with you,”
he says, still grinning a little.
“Um... you're welcome.”
“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” Jacob whispers. He
is leaning on his good arm, the other tucked in between us.
I swallow and squirm a little to get more distance between us.
“Jacob...”
“What? Am I not even allowed to state the obvious?” He teases and
rolls away, effortlessly using the momentum to hop on his feet and
catching himself on the back of the next couch. He chuckles to
himself but does not turn to look back at me anymore.
We test various models, without actually getting closer to buying one
and there are also no sparks flying between Jacob and one of the
couches. I would not swear that there are no sparks at all, however.
Every time Jacob carefully lowers himself into one or tugs at his
pants to adjust his left leg I feel the hook behind my navel and
every time he looks at me, smiling a little, a hint of a glint in his
eyes, there is something warm exploding in my stomach. That smile
edges itself into my memory and later, only a few weeks later, I will
think back to it and marvel about the ridiculous weightlessness of
the moment.
“Did you find something that aspires to you?” The shop assistant
asks me, after all this time suddenly appearing at my side. Jacob is
further away from us, currently expertly testing the cushioning of a
model by slightly bobbing up and down while sitting on it, his right
arm braced on the seat.
“Um… Yes, I think we slowly develop an idea of what we are
searching for,” I say and smile politely.
“As I said, we have other solutions. Upstairs there are medical
beds which are adjustable in height to make getting in and out of bed
easier. I mean, in your professional opinion, wouldn’t it be
better… Don’t you think this would be more suitable for your…
um…” she stops and bites on her cherry red lips when she sees my
face.
I nearly choke on a laugh as I watch the woman stumble over her
words. Does she really think I am Jacob's nurse? “May I tell
you a secret, Ma'am?”
The woman blinks, her heavy eyelashes fluttering. “Yes?” she
breathes as she bows down to me a little since I have started to talk
in a lower voice.
“Please don't make him buy one of these beds. He might handcuff me
to the grab bars again and I don't think I would survive another
night of endless sex.”
The shop assistant looks like she has swallowed a toad, gawking at
me, her mouth slightly open and her eyes bulging. Her lips move a
little and her skin grows an alarming deep shade of red before she
turns around abruptly with a choked sound and stalks away.
Although the shop has atrocious service, the couches are actually
good quality and in the end we settle for a dark eggplant colored
model that I chose because of its color and Jacob because he could
not find anything to object. Plus It is big enough for Jacob to sleep
on even without converting it. He signs the contract with another
shop assistant that we find after several minutes of searching
through the shop and who has no explanation for the absence of her
co-worker and Jacob orders the couch to be delivered to his address.
I do not mention my conversation with the other shop assistant
earlier to Jacob, but I have to suppress a mad giggle all the way out
of the shop.
***
For several weeks I regularly meet with Jacob, we go to have lunch or
dinner together on some days during the week, spend our weekends at
the ranch or the surroundings of the city and we have an amazing time
while I still sleep with Marcus when I come home. Jacob and I could
have been just good friends and we act exactly like that, but inside
of me there is something that desperately wants more. Jenna thinks
that my subconscious only developed this crush because it wants to
make Marcus pay for what he did to me but that is not it. It is also
not the disability although yes, that is definitely a part of it, I
guess. No. Marcus is funny, adventurous, the carefree boy whom I have
known for such a long time now and although he has not always been
loyal I am convinced he tells the truth for once when he says he
loves me. Jacob on the other hand is gloomy but gentle, thoughtful
and definitely more mature than Marcus will ever be. I want to take
his hand and see how long it takes to make him smile.
“I love them both!” I declare one evening with Jenna and bury my
face in my hands.
Jenna laughs. “Honey, you cannot love both.”
I open one eye and glower at her. “I sure can. See, it's already
happened.”
“You have to decide, eventually,” she just says, eying me above
her cocktail.
I sigh.
“You didn't kiss him again, did you?”
“No! God, but I want...”
Jenna shakes her head. “Come on girl, let's have some fun tonight.
Tomorrow's the big, big day!”
Tomorrow we are invited to an Assessment Center of a very hip and
awfully successful start-up company that also happens to have one of
their new offices within an hour drive from my home. The Assessment
Center however is in the capital.
“Oh my, don't remind me.”
Jenna takes my hand and pulls me on the dance floor.
The Assessment Center is as terrible as expected with a lot of very
good-looking, very young men and women and I feel totally out of
place while Jenna seems to mix in flawlessly. She wears her favorite
dress and although I always thought to myself that it is much too
short for her weight and the pink color much too bright for any
occasion, it is the perfect thing to wear as it seems. I look down at
my navy skirt and white blouse and feel like my own grandmother.
As the day wears on I decide I will just go for it. I do not think I
have any chance against the other applicants, and there seems no
point in trying to impress anyone. I have rehearsed job interviews
both with Jacob and Marcus and I remember some of their good advice
while completely ignoring others. Do I like to work in a group or
alone? I like both, it depends on the kind of work; when I have to
get into something new quickly, I prefer being alone; for a more
complex job, I like to have a team. What has been my biggest failure
in life? Never managing to learn the flute properly when my parents
forced me to have classes when I was little.
In the afternoon, we have to plan, construct and sell a brand-new
airplane in China. The company we are applying for has nothing to do
with airplanes, or constructing anything and no one applied for
sales, but I am at a point where I do not question anything anymore.
When Jenna and I board the train back home in the early evening, we
are both exhausted. I have to admit, in the end I even enjoyed it a
little. I can still see the look on the face of my project partner as
I presented my calculations for how much freight volume, mass and in
the end money we could save on short-distance connections by forgoing
toilets on the plane and instead committing passengers to take a piss
right before boarding or, in desperate cases, hand out empty bottles.
Jenna seems pleased with herself, too, and she cannot stop talking
about that one manager.
“Gosh, he is ho-ot! Do you think we will see him more often if they
take us? I mean, they only have so many employees, we might actually
meet them frequently, right?”
“I'm sure you can sit on his lap all day, if they hire you.”
Jenna balls the napkin of her bagel in her fist and throws it against
my head.
When we arrive at the main station a few hours later and walk towards
the subway, tired and ready for a good night's sleep, I nearly ran
into Jenna who has unexpectedly stopped in her tracks.
“Hey, watch it!”
Jenna turns around. “Uh huh... You are awaited, I think” she
hisses.
I sneak a look around her big form. “Shit!”
Jacob and Marcus are waiting on the other end of the platform, not
exactly side by side but also not as far away from each other that I
could hope to greet one without the other seeing. I can only hope
they have not noticed each other yet. Marcus is next to the end of
the tracks, kicking a can against a vending machine. Jacob is sitting
on a bench with other people waiting for a train, his cane between
his knees, his right hand nervously kneading his left. There is no
chance to sneak past them unnoticed, either. Why did they come to
pick me up? I thought Marcus had to work long hours and Jacob is not
even supposed to be in town, he told me he would be out meeting
relatives again. Damn!
“What do I do?” I do not know why this is such a big problem,
either. Marcus knows about Jacob and the other way around, I have not
really made a secret of them. Still, I find myself panicking at the
idea of both of them meeting.
Jenna scans the quickly emptying platform. “Excuse me, sir?”
“This is not going to work.” I mumble, as I hug the suitcase in
front of me tighter to prevent falling off the cart.
“Shut up, we are getting close,” Jenna says, her heels clacking
loudly on the cement floor. “Better pray that Marcus does not
remember me from last year’s Christmas party.” She is pushing the
cart that is loaded with suitcases. I am squatting on it, too, hiding
behind the luggage and trying not to make an even greater joke out of
myself by falling out and on my ass in front of everyone. The train
employee is jogging alongside us, completely failing at hiding a
grin. I do not know what story Jenna told him to convince him to
surrender the cart to us, but he seems to greatly enjoy himself.
“We are passing them,” Jenna whispers, her lips barely moving as
she walks behind the cart that is going faster and faster now. Jacob
and Marcus have to be on the other side of the pile of suitcases I am
hanging on right now. I do not dare to breathe.
“We made it,” Jenna hisses, turns around a corner and stops the
cart, which is swaying dangerously. I hop off and thank the train
employer who has jumped to rescue the luggage.
“Always glad to help.” He grins at me lewdly.
I stare at him quizzically before Jenna grabs my arm and pulls me
along with her. “Come on. Let's get out of here.” She giggles and
I laugh hysterically as we run towards the exit.
“What did you tell him?”
“Oh, the truth! That your two lovers showed up to greet you home. I
might have added that you have in mind to ditch them both in favor of
me.”
The people in the subway turn their heads at our loud laughter.
I text Jacob and Marcus that we have decided to spent the night in
the capital and sleep at Jenna's place. We have a long breakfast the
next morning after which Jenna pulls me close to her.
“You are okay, aren't you?” she asks, crushing me against her.
I look into her big brown eyes and smile weakly. “Yeah, I am.”
“You are not only hurting yourself, remember that.”
Oh no! I can't believe it. I was so sure Marcus would be out of the way in this chapter.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to always wait for another week. Your story is really, really fantastic and I am so grateful that you are sharing it here.
Thank you and I'm so sorry! :D You won't have to wait much longer, I can promise that.
DeleteOh my God, you certainly know how to tease us. She already knows they both don't love eachother as they deserve, but she still can't decide? I can't wait to see how this goes on. But I worry that there will be more problems, since the hint that the time was so easy back then...Thanks as always for your wonderful writing!!!
ReplyDeleteI guess she has kind of made up her mind already but she's scared to really follow through with it out of two main reasons, one being her past experience and the other being she does not want to hurt Marcus.
DeleteOh yes, there will be more trouble, I won't make it easy for them *laughs madly*. Okay... I feel also a little guilty already.
Thanks for your wonderful comment!
A wonderful story. One of the most devvy on this site. And I love how it is much more than just pushing our dev buttons. The plot has several layers and all of the characters are so alive. I cannot help but keep wondering what secret Jacob is hiding - is it something about his stroke? What caused it? And omething about his previous workplace? The conversation with that lady during the ballet hinted that. And this chapter makes me guessing as well... Will Marcus accidentally meet Jacob in the station and cause trouble telling about Cait's attraction? Anyhow, I hope Jacob will be nice to Cait if he discovers about her devness. She shouldn't go through the rejection and prejudice due to her attraction twice in her life. One time already was fully enaugh:D... Whatever will follow in the next chapters, I am very much looking forward to it. Have read the whole story twice to this point:).
ReplyDeleteAh anon, thank you for your wonderful comment, it made my day! I am very happy you like it :)
DeleteYou are really on to something here. They won't meet in the station however, since Marcus does not know Jacob and Jacob does not really look around at other people a lot.
You made me smile! Thanks for a very enjoyable episode.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I wanted them to be happy for a while, I am glad that I succeeded.
DeleteOh dear, what a tangled web we weave! I really am rooting for her to choose Jacob, I hope things end up going that way eventually! For now, I'm just going to have to sit back, wait and hope for the best, eek! :)
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a good plan ;-) Oh yes, I got tangled up in that net a few times, basically rewriting the story what feels like hundred times.
DeleteYou are a great writer! But I have to admit that I hate the way how she treats Jacob. She KNOWS that he feels more for her, and that he only settles for "being friends" because he likes her so much, and I think that is totally unfair to him. She should have never called or met him. Building up a friendship with another man you are sexually very interested in while being in a commited relationship is very unfair to the partner, too. I guess Marcus deserves it, but it`s still no way to treat your partner, certainly not if you claim to "love" him (even if it`s not the "right" way of love).
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on that, especially when it comes to Marcus. She is playing a dangerous game with other people's feelings basically, but I think she is starting to realize that, hence the end of that chapter. But Jacob is an adult, too, if he cannot handle it he could just put a stop to it. In fact, there is a reason why he re-initiated the contact in the first place, other than having feelings for her. But that will be revealed later... (picture dramatic music swelling and fading out)
Delete