Marcus has texted a lot. Many of those
messages I did not even read before deleting. He sent another hundred roses
only a few days after the first. One day he stood at my doorstep. He cried a
lot. I did, too. We decided to give us a chance.
I have not talked to Jacob again since we
spoke on the phone. He did not try calling me and although I feel like I should
at least explain about Marcus, whenever I have Jacob’s number typed in to call
him all courage leaves me, my finger hovering over the last button but never
pressing down. I fear, when I hear his deep voice, the picture of him leaning
on his cane with his bent left arm at his side will burn itself into my mind
forever. In the end I have taken the cowardly way out, I know that. I tell
myself that this is just the wrong place and the wrong time, that I have a
year-long relationship to fight for and just cannot afford the risk getting
tangled up in another guy now. But in reality I am afraid to come too close to
this side within me that has haunted me for so long.
Weeks later Marcus takes me out for a
coffee after we have been to the movies. I have wanted to see the movie since I
have read about it but under normal circumstances Marcus would never have
accompanied me. Now, everything is different.
I watch his face while he talks. Marcus is
handsome, has always been. He told me once that he modelled as a teenager and I
can totally see him doing it still. He has the kind of chocolate-colored puppy
dog eyes and boyish grin that draws you in and makes you forgive him almost
everything. It worked on me at least, on countless occasions. I wonder if it
has worked this time as well, making me believe in his endless assertions that
he will change, and I ask myself if he will really keep that promise.
Since our near break-up Marcus has indeed made
every effort to be the perfect boyfriend. He has even scrubbed the bathroom,
twice so far, which, believe me or not, is something to celebrate. He has been
sweet and gone out of his way to guess all of my wishes before I even announce
them, before I even have them and his hyper-alertness starts getting annoying
already. Still, it reminds me of our first months living together, a long time
ago, transporting me back to a time when everything was in order. All in all,
he is a good guy, I know that. Yes, he is easy with girls and he is super lazy
but that is going to change. He promised.
I put another spoon of sugar into my coffee
and smile at Marcus. He has the habit of ruffling up his always too long dirty
blond hair when he is nervous, or when there is a hot girl around. There has
been a time when I had this effect on him and sometimes I wish I still had it. I
know it is petty but I like the thought that he is also physically attracted to
me. Maybe I should start wearing make-up again or let my hair grow long… As I
ponder over that I realize how ridiculous it is. Whatever Marcus does and
although I will always admire his toned body, will always succumb to his
gorgeous smile, he will never be particularly attractive to me. Not the kind of
attractive that makes me stop breathing and lets my heartrate shoot through the
roof.
My eyes wander around the bar. I wish Marcus
would stop talking about a movie I barely remember the title least what
happened after the first two minutes. I seem to have problems concentrating,
lately.
It is a sick twist of how my brain works
that although the street in front of the bar is busy and people are streaming
past the window quickly, my eyes lock onto the man at once. I cannot say if it
is the different walking pattern that makes him stand out among the other people,
slower and less fluid than the rest of late evening shoppers rushing past, the
glimpse of an unnaturally bent arm or the flash of a cane among the blur of
passing legs. I never lose the figure among the masses and I do not manage to
look away even when the man enters and shifts his weight at the door to turn
down his coat collar. It is only when he lifts his head and his eyes find mine
across the room that recognition jolts through me like electric current.
Fuck.
I quickly turn back to Marcus but too late.
From the corners of my eyes I see Jacob turning on the spot and leaving again.
“And that scene with the vampire when-
Where are you going?”
“Um… just to the restrooms quickly.”
“Oh… of course. Shall I order anything else
for you or are you satisfied? Something to eat?”
I shake my head absentmindedly and rush
towards the exit. There is no sign of Jacob and when I step out of the bar and
stand on the busy street in the dwindling evening light, I do not see him.
Regret makes my stomach clench as I stand among the people streaming past me,
arms wrapped around my torso, the cold breeze making me freeze. After a few
minutes I return into the warm interior reluctantly, a heavy weight holding me
back. But what would I have told Jacob anyway?
Things between Marcus and me do not stay
awkward for long. We have known each other for too long to not fall back into rhythm
when we live together. We stay a weekend at his parent's cabin in the woods,
talking through the night, cuddling and making out in front of the fireplace,
with the light of the flames dancing in our eyes. That night I lie awake,
thinking about our past. I still remember the first time Marcus taught me to
row and to fish on the lake nearby and the look on his face as I heaved the
bucket out of the boat after a successful day out, fish zigzagging around in
the water inside, Marcus ready on the landing stage with a thick stick to crack
their skull open, when I suddenly let go of the bucket, the water sloshing out
and the fish with it, falling back into the water next to the boat in a series
of plops. I told him my hand had slipped but I knew that he knew that I was
lying. We had canned soup this evening and he never made me go out for fishing
with him again.
I make Marcus sleep on the couch for a
while but after some time I invite him back into my bed. Our first sex after
the near break-up is very hot, Marcus makes sure I come several times and as I watch
his face during his own orgasm, and his eyes never leave mine, I am convinced
that this is all we need. Our relationship has proven to be strong enough to
survive hard times. We will survive more.
I like to think I managed to forget Jacob. I like to tell myself that I almost do not remember his voice anymore and do not picture his limp from time to time.
But it would be a lie.
***
I am at the ranch, tending to my horse. In
fact, it is technically only half my horse. The other half belongs to Evelyn,
whom I know from the stables. We kind of inherited the horse after her former
owner died. The heirs could not decide if selling it to a riding school that
would take a horse that old or making sausage of her would be more profitable
and when they did not come to a decision they lost interest and forgot about
it. We adopted it and later, when the heirs realized they were still paying for horsebox rent and vet visits, we bought it for barely more than a handshake.
Still, I probably spend more money on that
horse than on myself. We have a host of students who care for it during the
week, clean the stable, take it for a walk or a ride and are even willing to
pay for that but it still eats a deep crater in my monthly salary. Marcus
always complains about it, only lately he has mentioned it less and less. I do
not know if it is a sign of acceptance or resignation or if he is just holding
back to keep up the new good vibe.
On weekends Evelyn and I usually take turns
caring for our horse and this weekend is my turn.
“Our horses are calm, even-tempered and
well-trained,” I hear Evelyn’s voice from somewhere near the court. She is
living on the ranch the stables belong to and working as a riding teacher on
some days. “Our equine-assisted therapy is certified and we have applied it
successfully in numerous cases.”
I grunt as I push the wheelbarrow to the
edge of the ramp and dump the horse manure on the dung heap, balancing the
weight on the single wheel on the narrow wooden plank.
“Um… I have absolutely no experience with
horses.”
That voice… I freeze on the ramp, with the
wheelbarrow still tipped over. Who am I kidding? I would recognize it
everywhere.
“Experience is not needed at all. We will
start small and build from there. You do not have to actually get onto the back
of a horse during your first session. Or ever. It will only go as far as you
feel comfortable.”
Jacob clears his voice. “Okay...” He does
not sound convinced to me.
A funny tingling spreads in my body as I
dare not to move, intently listening to Jacob’s low rumbling voice, coming from
somewhere around the corner of the nearest building.
“There is a therapy session starting right
now. You are invited to watch and see if it is something you might consider.”
“Yes, thank you.”
Too late I realize that, shit, they are
coming my way. I twist around to hurry back down the ramp but in my haste my
foot slips on the grimy wooden ramp and suddenly there is no ramp under my feet
anymore. The wheelbarrow clangs loudly as it slides down and finally hits the
asphalt at the other end. Luckily, I did not take a dive head-first into the
dung, but instead managed to safe myself by hugging the ramp, one leg still up,
the other kicking underneath.
“Cait? Is everything okay?” It is Evelyn.
She is trying not to laugh, I can hear that in her voice.
“I’m fine, don’t worry. Hanging in there.”
The ramp wobbles as she walks over it
towards me. Evelyn is a big woman. Tall, long wavy hair. She
grabs me with her large hands and hauls me to my feet like nothing.
“Thanks,” I mumble, trying to find my
footing on the narrow ramp, shame coloring my cheeks. “The ramp… my shoes…”
Evelyn pats me on the shoulder, nearly
knocking me down again. “It’s freaking slippery up here. Happens to everyone.
You okay?”
“Y-yeah…” I look up and past her broad
shoulders. I have to suppress a wince as my eyes meet Jacobs’. He is standing
at the foot of the ramp, leaning on his cane. His black hair is shorter,
sticking out to all sides and there is a faint scruff around his chin. His left
hand, drawn up against his chest, nearly vanishes inside the long sleeve of his
dark knitted sweater. He looks incredibly hot. His blue eyes dart away from
mine and his expression is stony.
“Um… thanks, really.”
Evelyn good-naturedly smiles at me and
turns to lead the way down the ramp. “You know, Mr. Barnett, I leave you in the
hands of Cait here.” She turns towards me when she has reached the foot of the
ramp. Jacob opens his mouth in her back to protest but before he can say
anything she goes on. “Can you show Mr. Barnett to the riding arena, Cait? I
need to take care of the children.”
I gulp and do not look at Jacob when I move
the wheelbarrow to the side. Evelyn has already jogged off in the direction of
the riding hall.
“Don't worry, I’ll find my way,” Jacob says
in a voice that is colder than I ever imagined it could be.
“No, you won’t.” I finally manage to look
him in the eyes again, fighting not to flinch under his glare.
“Excuse me?”
I realize I have straw in my hair. And
something much more smelling down the front of my down vest. Great. When I
notice Jacob’s look I stop trying to rub it away with my sleeve. “You won’t
find the entrance to the stands. It’s kind of hidden.”
Jacob sighs and looks like he is
considering leaving again. He shuffles his feet and turns towards where he had
come from.
No, no, no, don't go!
“I guess equine therapy might be, uh…
useful…” I try carefully.
He draws his eyebrows together, looking
grim. “My doc seems to think that.”
Uh, okay, apparently the wrong direction.
“But you don't?”
“I... I don’t know.” He turns the point of
his cane in the mud, staring down at it. “I don't like horses,” he mumbles.
“I see. Many people are afraid of horses.”
His head shoots up again, his narrowed eyes
stabbing at me. “That’s not it. I'm not afraid!”
Oh, really? “Okay... so...?”
Jacob exhales a long breath. “Guess I owe
it to my doc at least to have a look.” He does not say more, pressing his lips
together.
I take it as a cue to lead the way, past
the dung heap, around the corner of the next building and along its side. I am
careful this time to match my pace to his, listening to Jacob’s halting steps
behind me. We do not speak.
I enter the building through a small door
and hold it open for Jacob. A few steep steps lead downstairs behind it. Shit,
shit, shit… I actually forgot about them.
Jacob looks down the stairs and then at me,
incredulous.
I shrug apologetically and bite on my lip.
“That’s the only entrance, as far as I know. I’m sorry. It’s an old building…”
I guess the ranch is mostly not very accessible, even with some ramps added
here and there. It is a historical building and most of it cannot be changed
because of urban heritage conservation.
Jacob limps past me after a moment of
hesitation and I bite on my lips to not offer help as he starts down the steps.
I would probably be of no use to him, anyway. There is no railing and the
space is narrow. Jacob places his cane one step down, leaning heavily on it
before he steps down with his right foot. His left leg is not as cooperative,
he leans against the wall, twisting his upper body, to free it from the steep
upper step. It is slow process and takes a while, although there are only three
of them. Three single steps. I never even thought about them.
We walk down the dimly lit corridor, past
naked walls plastered with dirty brown tiles. Gradually the way leads upwards
and finally, through another small door, to the empty viewing stands.
The horses and their riders are already
inside the riding arena. Evelyn is giving instructions. There are other people
here, too, to help with the whole process. It smells of horses and dust, so
familiar and comforting that it makes me want to smile. I do not come here
often. Most of the sessions are for children and it would be weird in general,
being here and watching strangers. But I am reminded of the time when I myself
was a child and learned horse riding in a similar arena.
Jacob gets up to the wooden fence
separating us from the arena and stands next to me. “I’m not sure they are
going to be able to carry me,” he murmurs skeptically.
“They sure won’t.” I very much have to hide
a grin. “This is the kids’ group and these are ponies!”
“Oh… huh.”
We watch the children get on the back of
the ponies, some on their own, others assisted by their parents or Evelyn’s
employees. I think I see a ten year old with Down’s syndrome and a slightly
older boy with cerebral palsy. But not all children have obvious disabilities.
The session starts with all ponies lining
up and starting to slowly trot one after the other in a wide circle around the
hall. Some children are allowed to ride on their own, others are lead. As they
pass us, we mostly look into beaming faces. Only the boy with cerebral palsy
seems to sulk.
“He’s not delighted,” Jacob states, and his
dark expression lightens up some. My heart flutters at the sight.
“Yeah, definitely not. Maybe he wanted to
ride the black pony. Not the brown one.”
“Or he’d rather play Mario Kart with the
cool kids,” Jacob replies, a funny edge to his voice.
I observe his grim face out of the corners
of my eyes. Has he been that boy when he was younger? I just don’t know
anything about him, I realize. He is watching the children with a frown. They ride in circles in one direction and the other and start doing
small exercises like letting go of the reigns (or mane, in case of the more
scared ones) and stretching their arms to the sides.
“You don’t have to do group sessions,” I
say, still not looking at him directly but facing the horses. “They offer
single sessions, for adults especially.”
“Mmm…”
The session wears on and I realize Jacob is
starting to subtly lean against the fence to, as I assume, relieve his left leg
and the pressure on his right wrist. I scold myself inwardly for not
considering this and collect two dusty plastic chairs from the storeroom behind
the stands. The look he gives me as I place the chairs on the ground and try to
remove the dust with my sleeve is not a friendly one but at least he takes the
offer.
The uncomfortable silence between us is
stretching into eternity as we sit next to each other, watching the children
and the horses trot past us. Fortunately, the session is short and over rather
quickly. Most children do not have the ability to concentrate longer and even
for the ponies it is tiring.
Evelyn comes up to us when they have
finished and the ponies are being lead out of the hall. “What do you say, Mr.
Barnett?” She asks over the fence.
“Um… uh…” Jacob says, struggling to his
feet. “I’ll think about it. Thank you.”
“Let me know when you are interested.”
Evelyn looks at me, slightly surprised. Right, why am I still here? I usually
do not show interest in any riding classes. “Would you be so kind and show Mr.
Barnett out, Cait?”
We take the same way back, Jacob tackles
the steps up while I wait at the foot of the stairs, and I accompany Jacob to
the entrance of the parking lot. It is quickly emptying due to the children and
their parents leaving.
Jacob turns towards me. “Um… thanks for
showing me around.”
“No problem. You should really think about
it. They do cool things with the therapy horses here. Not just riding circles…”
I blush. “I mean… that’s pretty good for a start, too.”
“Hm… yeah, I guess so.”
I do not reply anything to that. I know
this could be my chance but how should I find the words now when I have not
managed before? I bite my lips and avert my eyes. He mumbles something,
probably wishing me goodbye, because when I look up again with a heavy heart, I
see him limp down the gravel pathway towards the cars.
I ask Evelyn a few weeks later but she has
not heard of Jacob since. I do not see him at the ranch a second time.
--> Chapter 5
--> Chapter 5
Watching these two characters slowly approaching each other is really Charming, Disarming, Fulfilling... I don't know how to explain it.. I just really, really love to read your story.
ReplyDeleteAww, thank you, chandelier! Makes me very happy to hear that :) *hugs*
DeleteI can only say, superb like always! I wish this story will continue for a long time! Nice idea to meet again like this, so Cait is not able to get Jacob out of her head. I look very much forward to the next update (hopefully soon)!
ReplyDeleteThanks ano! I'll try updating as soon as possible.
DeleteI totally agree with the two comments above--this is an excellent story. I can't imagine how it will work out but I know you will take us on a fabulous journey!
ReplyDeleteThank you Adele! So happy you like it :)
DeleteGreat story. Just don't get the relationship with her boyfriend though. Doesn't seem awful but not working.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Hm... if it's not clear that is my mistake. Sorry! I was going exactly for such a relationship as you mentioned, where there is no immediate reason to end it and both parties have their own motives to fight for it but it is not really working out either.
DeleteI love the change of venue -- so perfect a 'neutral' meeting ground. Cait shouldn't deny her true feelings, though!
ReplyDeleteHaha, yes, she shouldn't do a lot of things she did and will do =)
DeleteThanks!
Wow, you are certainly building the anticipation and leaving me totally on edge! Great chapter, I can't wait for the next update!
ReplyDeleteThanks, it's good to hear you like it so far =)
DeleteSooo loving this story! Jacob is so fine! My dream is to see him get on and ride that horse.
ReplyDeleteHm... prophetic dreams?
DeleteI can't help but feeling sorry for Jacob...I hope she'll show him how she really feels about him soon!
ReplyDeleteYes, I know. I feel a little sorry doing this to him, too :)
DeleteLoving this story. Looking forward to see how the story the story unfolds.
ReplyDeleteThanks =) Stay tuned!
Delete