Chapter 17It was almost midnight and they were still sitting on the couch in an embrace. Erin had poured herself another Margarita and she felt the alcohol flow through her veins. Kieran had stayed with just water. He wanted to have a clear head for when he was going to have his nightly episode.
The candles on the mantle flickered and Erin moved her eyes to the clock on the wall, “So, it’s going to happen at 12:48?”
They sat there, talking and cuddling, and the time went by until it was 12:48 a.m. In anticipation Erin sat up some and Kieran shifted on the couch as they both expectantly looked at the clock on the wall. Kieran glanced down to his legs. Severe spasms usually announced his nightly ordeal.
The clock changed and as they sat there waiting, nothing happened. There were no spasms, no sensations, no twitching, there was nothing.
Kieran stared at his legs still waiting and he swallowed as the clock changed to 12:52 and still nothing had happened. He pressed his lips together and shook his head more to himself.
Erin took his hand and squeezed it in hers, “Kieran, look at me.”
He slowly turned to look at her, and his voice trembled as he said lowly and somewhat angrily, “I didn’t lie to you Erin…this is bullshit, you know? It’s fucked up…that’s all it is.” He was breathing quickly now.
Erin stroked over his cheek, “Kieran, I believe you. Maybe it’s not happening because you are with me. Don’t worry about it, okay.”
It was not only that he felt like an idiot in front of Erin but it was also the absence of the joy he had been feeling every night when standing on his two legs. Even though it only lasted for a short time every night and even though when it stopped it stabbed him like a knife every time, the 30 or so minutes he had the ability to see himself healthy and strong again had been filling him with so much joy in his heart. Now there was only pain, the sensations didn’t happen and instead he had Erin next to him who was most likely the reason for the absence of his nightly adventure.
Frustration built up inside him and when he pulled his hand from Erin’s grip he couldn’t stop himself from punching the pillow next to him with his fist and pushing his wheelchair away violently, “Fucking shit.”
Erin moved away from him as he pounded the pillow again.
She saw his suffering, but she didn’t know what to say, “Kieran, don’t worry about it.”
He stopped in his outburst, the Quickie had rolled away from the couch and with his back turned to Erin, he tried to hold it together and not break down again. All Erin could do in these moments was to rub her hand over his shoulders and try to somehow comfort him. There was no way she could take the pain away from him and it hurt her to see him like this.
The evening had been too much for both of them but if anything this was where they both were meant to be. Erin felt that opening up to each other about so many things and feeling the pain together was a sign that this was something a lot bigger than what they understood at the moment. Creating this kind of closeness had to mean something and be the beginning to a very special relationship.
Erin let a few tears run out of her eyes as she watched her paraplegic boyfriend fight the demons inside of him and all she could do is be there with him, stroke her hand over his back, and tell him that everything was going to be all right.
Kieran eventually calmed down. Nothing had happened as far as getting any sensations back for the limited time. It was the first night in three weeks that he had not experienced a taste of life on two legs.
He sat up and looked over at Erin. She had been there the whole time in his moments of despair.
Erin moved closer to him, “Don’t worry about it, okay! I believe you and I’m sure it has something to do with you being here with me. If it ever happens again and we are not together, I want you to call me no matter what time of night.”
Kieran nodded and pulled her to him, “Erin, I’m so sorry but I didn’t lie to you. I don’t know who else I could have turned to about all of this.”
He looked into her eyes and Erin smiled at him compassionately, “I’m here for you and we are in this together now.”
With that Kieran pulled her to him and kissed her. Erin pushed herself to him and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, keeping her close to him. They kissed for a long time and even though Erin felt so much for him the photos he had shown her on his camera kept appearing in her mind. Even though she wanted to believe Kieran deep inside there was still this slight feeling of doubt how something like this could even be real. It seemed like out of a supernatural movie or story what Kieran had told her and it was still difficult for her to comprehend.
She moved her hands to his thighs as they kissed still in an embrace and she rubbed over his legs and she did it out of uncertainty. Did he really not feel her hand on his legs or did he just pretend he didn’t feel it? Everything he had told her and shown her seemed impossible unless he really wasn’t actually paralyzed and there was other stuff going on with him, maybe more on the psychological side. When she moved her hand up to his crotch she felt his jeans and underneath nothing that even hinted toward an erection. She kissed him harder and more passionately almost as if to see if Kieran would somehow get hard or aroused at her assertiveness. He returned her kisses just as intense and she felt his hands run down her back and to her ass as she tried to feel for his cock but there was no sign of life. She climbed over him some and Kieran leaned his head back on the couch, letting her kiss and touch him. He didn’t realize her hand was exploring around his crotch and on his thighs as he was occupied with kissing her neck, and letting his tongue flick over her skin. Even though he was getting excited he was also becoming nervous about the intense moments on the couch.
Stroking down her arm he was surprised when he found her hand actually rubbing over his crotch and he stopped abruptly in his kissing, stopped her hand, and hushed, “Erin, what are you doing?”
She ignored his question and kept kissing his neck but Kieran was distracted now, “Erin…hey?”
She looked at him with shiny eyes and he gently moved her hand from his crotch, “What are you doing down there?”
She shook her head, “I don’t know…I’m sorry. I guess I wanted to see if….”
She stopped and buried her face between his shoulder and his neck.
Kieran had an idea what was going on and asked lowly, “You were trying to see if I was telling the truth?”
Erin didn’t respond and didn’t look at him as he kept on very lowly, “Erin, I’m not lying to you. If you want I will show you my medical records where it states my diagnosis. I’m a T-4 complete paraplegic.
Some stuff doesn’t work anymore for me, my legs don’t work anymore. I don’t know when I have to pee or…”
He stopped, taking a deep breath, not finishing the sentence as he intended but continuing tensely, “I AM paralyzed and I AM for real…I don’t know what to tell you, Erin…I need you to believe me. Tell me right now if you can believe me or if you can not!”
Erin moved her face and looked at him. His eyes were sad, and he gazed at her expectantly.
He demanded lowly, “Tell me if you believe me Erin! If you can’t then I don’t know what to do…”
She nodded and replied lowly, “I’m sorry Kieran…I do believe you but it’s all so strange, the things you told me.”
He stroked his fingers over her cheek, pleading, “I know it is…I feel the same way Erin and I wish it would all just stop but I don’t know what’s going to happen and I need you to be on my side.”
“I am on your side and I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m so sorry.”
They kissed again and Erin thought of his words about things not working and realized there were still lots of things she didn’t know about Kieran’s paraplegia.
They laid together in an embrace and the previous somewhat passionate moments had turned into warm closeness and feelings getting stronger by the minute.
When they let go of each other, Erin yawned, “I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired. This was a lot for one evening.”
“It sure was. I’m tired too.”
“Let’s go to bed.”
At the mention of going to bed, Kieran got nervous. He didn’t know if Erin was expecting more than sleeping out of going to bed and he really couldn’t even see himself lying in bed with her by his side. It had been so long since he had shared a bed with a woman.
Erin detached her body from his and got up from the couch. She took hers and Kieran’s glass and the empty bottle into the kitchen and Kieran transferred back into his wheelchair. It was almost 2 o’clock in the morning now.
Erin turned to Kieran, “Your backpack is over there on the armchair.”
Kieran hesitantly wheeled over to it to grab his back pack. He was still debating if he should really stay overnight.
“You can use the girl’s bathroom again. I have a bathroom adjacent to my master bedroom. Let me show you my bedroom.”
He followed her to her bedroom passing the girl’s rooms. Her bedroom was at the end of the hallway and Erin walked in followed by Kieran. He made it through the door fine, but hit carpet in the bedroom and right away felt the resistance of the wheels on his Quickie.
Erin looked down at his wheels, “I’m sorry, there is carpet in here.”
“It’s all right. I can manage.”
He glanced at the Queen Size bed and still couldn’t picture being in it with Erin next to him.
He took a deep breath and started lowly, “Erin…”
She looked at him concerned, “Yes?”
He looked down and then up at her with another deep breath, “Erin, I’m not…I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for me…for me to stay here.”
Erin had thought about the situation as well and was nervous but the excitement of having Kieran there was overbearing the worries she had.
She looked at her bed, then back at Kieran, “It’s not the same bed I shared with my ex.”
Kieran smiled at her comment but knew it had come out of insecurity, “That’s not what I’m worried about Erin.”
She lowered her eyes and nodded, replying lowly, “What are you worried about?”
Kieran really didn’t want to explain but he knew he had to talk about his concerns and tried to explain nervously, “Erin…” He paused for a second, then continued, “I haven’t had to share a room or a bed since I have been…like this. I’m not sure how you think this works.”
Erin thought for a moment and replied lowly, “Kieran, I’m really just happy that you came here and that we got to spend this evening together and talk about all those things. I would really love for you to stay here and if there is anything I need to do for you to be more comfortable here I will do it.”
“Well, for once…I’m not…” He stopped again and blew air out nervously, “There is stuff I can’t do so if you are….”
She cut him off, “I don’t want to sleep with you Kieran.”
He was surprised at her openness but nodded, “All right. I’m still not sure I can do this…I deal with stuff all the time and my nights can be rough. I dream a lot and I do wake up and it’s usually not pretty.”
“And I will be there next to you to hopefully make you feel better.”
Kieran realized she wasn’t too worried about anything and thinking about what time it was and how he was actually tired he decided to just give this a try.
“Okay, I guess I will stay here then.”
Erin leaned down and kissed him, “Thank you.”
In the bathroom she had placed a fresh towel by the sink and as he sat there he looked around. There was no way he could take a shower in this bathroom in the morning. It would also be difficult to actually sit on the toilet or transfer onto it. He could adhere to his catherization and clean up somewhat over the sink which was also not really accessible for him though. He still didn’t feel great about being there because of the things he dealt with and the inaccessibility of Erin’s place didn’t help his insecurity. In his back pack he also had some incontinence briefs and at home he usually always slipped one on at night because he didn’t know if he had to urinate during his sleep. Now he sat there, looking at himself in the mirror and didn’t know what to do. Getting undressed while being in the wheelchair was one thing and then slipping on the briefs and his lounge pants was another thing.
He pulled out the catheter and drained his bladder into the toilet, thinking about the arrangement.
After he put up his catheter and washed his hands he brushed his teeth, still wearing his clothes.
He couldn’t reach over the sink very good and had to lean forward to be able to even turn the faucet knobs and spit out the toothpaste.
Just as he was about to unbutton his jeans with shaky hands he stopped and wheeled out of the bathroom toward the bedroom. The door wasn’t closed and he heard Erin in her bathroom. He felt strange just wheeling into her room without her knowing so he stayed right outside her door and waited. His hands were still shaky and he took a couple of deep breaths at what he was about to say to Erin.
When he heard her come out of her bathroom he called her name lowly.
Erin came over to the door, “Yes, Kieran…why are you outside my door?”
She was dressed in a two piece sleep suit with shorts and a top. Kieran could barely look at her legs. Perfect legs with a natural summer tan, smooth and no trace of too much weight. She had a great body and it was hard for him to not stare at her legs too obviously.
“I didn’t want to just wheel in here while you are in the bathroom.”
She looked at him warmly, “It would have been okay.”
He sighed, “Erin, I think it would be better if I go home for tonight.”
Now her expression turned sad, “Kieran, why?”
He stuttered, “I don’t…I really don’t…think it is…a good idea for me to stay…”
Saying the words he realized it didn’t sound right and there was really no reason why he shouldn’t stay.
To his surprise Erin squatted down in front of him and held herself steady with her hands placed on his knees.
She had to look up to him slightly, “Kieran, what does it take for you to stay here?”
He shook his head, “Erin, everything is all right and I wish I could just stay but my place is more accessible and there is stuff…” He stopped and took a deep breath, “There is stuff I’m embarrassed about.”
Erin looked up at him with dark eyes, pleading, “Kieran, please stay and please don’t feel embarrassed. I love having you here. Since knowing you I have looked at my house more than once thinking about how you would be in here and I know it isn’t really accessible but maybe we can manage at least sometimes with you being here, like tonight. And maybe if…” She stopped and looked down for a moment, “…and maybe if you will come here more often I could make some changes to have things more accessible.”
She took Kieran’s hand in hers, “I really want to help you with whatever you need me to.”
Kieran looked at their hands on his knees and then back at Erin, saying lowly, “I do want to be here more often and I’ll just have to try to manage.”
“I feel bad about my house not being more accessible.”
He rubbed his thumbs over the back of her hands, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know you may have a guy in a wheelchair in here one day.”
Erin smiled, “I definitely didn’t know but it was always a nice little fantasy.”
Kieran looked down and then back up at her with a smile, “Well, it’s not only a fantasy anymore.”
He pulled Erin up and to him for a kiss.
When they unlocked their lips Erin asked, “So do you need anything right now?”
“Well, it’s usually easier for me to….to take my jeans off and change into my sleep pants….lying down.”
Erin was relieved now, “Yeah, of course….where do you want to do it? My bed…you can use my bed.”
He kept his eyes on her, trying to find the right way to say what he wanted to say but Erin apparently read his mind and said warmly, “I can give you some privacy…I will step out until you are done.”
“You’re welcome.” She kissed him again and said, “I’m just so happy you’re staying tonight.”
After Erin walked out she closed the door behind her. Kieran wheeled toward her bed. He pulled the briefs and the lounge pants out of his back pack and threw them on the bed. Erin’s bed was slightly higher than his seat but after he aligned his Quickie right next to the bed he went for the transfer and had to use some more strength to get up on the bed. It wasn’t a graceful transfer and he almost slipped off but barely got a grip on the bed post. Lying down on the bed he unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans and wriggled them and his boxers down over his legs, which didn’t cooperate at all with slight spasms running through them. When he eventually had his incontinence briefs and lounge pants on, his shirt off he leaned over to pull his Quickie closer and also sat his back pack on the seat of his wheelchair.
He fell back onto the bed and finally called for Erin. It didn’t take long and she came into the bedroom soft footed, peeking into the room carefully before she walked in all the way in. She left the door open.
Only a small reading lamp on her side of the bed was on and she smiled at Kieran. He tried to relax, holding his head on his hand with the elbow on the pillow. He had positioned himself on his side, his legs were already covered with the sheet and blanket.
Erin could feel the excitement creep up inside of her as she walked over and saw Kieran just lying there in her bed bare chested, his skin covered with his tattoos, his hair somewhat ruffled but smiling at her and looking very sexy. She sat down on her side of the bed and slipped out of her house shoes, then climbed into bed next to him. She was slightly nervous and had to keep reminding herself that she and Kieran were actually together now and there shouldn’t be any insecurities of getting in bed with him.
His disability and the things he dealt with intimidated her somewhat though. She still had questions for him about so many things but she had to wait for the right moments to ask him. Now she laid down, her head on the pillow facing Kieran. He had laid his head down on the other pillow and they looked at each other in the dimness of the bedside lamp. Kieran moved his hand over to her and stroked over her cheek.
Lowly he said, “I’m really glad I’m here with you.”
“Well, I’m glad you changed your mind about going home.”
They inched closer to each other and Erin couldn’t help imagining Kieran’s legs under the blanket. She didn’t see them and Kieran lying there with her looked like any able bodied man but the knowledge of his legs not working and his not feeling anything below his mid chest drove her crazy inside. They moved in on each other and kissed for a long time, Erin pushing herself somewhat over Kieran and eventually being over his face kissing him. She ran her fingers through his hair and over his broad shoulders. Kieran’s hands were stroking up and down Erin’s back. His breathing quickened as her kissing became more demanding.
Kieran sensed Erin’s excitement and even though he enjoyed every moment of her demanding kisses at the same time he felt panic creep up inside. He couldn’t let this go any further. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head and apparently interfered with his kissing as Erin eventually unlocked her lips from his and looked him deeply in the eyes, “Kieran, what is it?”
He ran his hands down her long hair and tried to find the best way to say what he wanted to say, “Erin, I am…I’m so happy to be here but…I can’t…” He stopped, unsure how to say what he wanted to say.
Erin planted a kiss on his lips and then replied, “It’s all right. We don’t have to do anything. I’m just very happy you are here. It’s very late anyways and I’m pretty tired.”
He was somewhat relieved about her words and he pulled her to him and looked into her brown eyes, “Thank you.”
They kissed again and eventually Erin rested her head on his chest and with his arm around her he felt fatigue overcome him.
Erin said lowly, “I hope you can sleep Kieran. Please if there is anything, let me know. I mean it. I want you to let me know if there is anything you need me to do or help you with.”
Kieran replied lowly, “Thanks.”
She kissed him once more and they smiled each other and said Good Night, laying in an embrace, wanting nothing else than to be together.
Erin had been very excited at Kieran’s kissing and feeling him right next to her, his body and his skin and it was difficult to keep herself from going further but she assumed there were things that Kieran probably couldn’t do. She was too shy to ask him and it was maybe not the right time. She decided in her head that she needed to read up on Paraplegia and how it affected sex and love making. She also hoped that there would be a good time soon when Kieran would be open to tell her more about his disability. It was strange to have this very sexy man in her bed and not actually having sex with him. It almost went against nature that nothing had happened between them but she felt how her feelings for him became stronger by the minute and she wanted nothing else than to give Kieran the space and time he needed, because she wanted to spend many more days and nights with him.
All the things he had revealed to her that evening had been somewhat overwhelming and even though she had told him she believed him it was still hard to understand that the things he had told her were really happening, especially when at the said time nothing extraordinary had occurred. His desperation though and the fear that she wouldn’t believe him had forced her to be there for him.
It was a sincere fear of not being taken seriously and it hurt her to see him battling these demons. She couldn’t help herself though in how much she cared for him and how much she was attracted to him. His paraplegia, the wheelchair, the way he lived with the disability drove her crazy, she wanted him so much with her heart and body. Now she laid in his strong arms, feeling the warmth of his skin on her face and seeing his belly rise up and down with the soft breaths he took. He faintly smelled of his cologne still and she imagined his legs under the blanket in their everlasting sleep along with other parts of his body that were no use to him anymore. All of it was everything she wanted.
Kieran had been overcome by sleep quickly. All the emotions and the conversations from the evening had been almost too much but now he was with Erin and he would have to get used to her being around and he knew he had to let her in on lots of things pertaining to his disability. The fact though that nothing had happened at 12:48 a.m. bothered him a lot, it hurt and he had no explanation once again on something he had no control of. He wondered if it was because Erin was there, because someone would have witnessed the mystery and that is why it didn’t happen. As much as he enjoyed being with Erin he was very disappointed about the missing mysterious miracle he had been expecting and experiencing for the past few weeks