Sunday, January 24, 2016

For The Love Of Not Walking Chapter 9

Kieran finds out that the crash at the hospital left him with an injury. He is still frustrated and questioning everything that is happening and is trying to get his mind off all the strange things that are going on. Another nightly episode awakens a long lost sensation.
Chapter 9
                The kids were not home yet as Kieran wheeled into the house. It was quiet and he was relieved about that. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone at this time and he just needed to get to his room and rest.
In his room he tossed his back pack in its usual corner and then staying seated in his wheelchair he pulled his right leg up and untied the laces of his sneaker, then pulled his shoe off and set his foot back on the foot rest. He did the same with the left leg and as he tried to pull his sneaker off he felt a resistance in the shoe coming off his foot. He loosened the laces some more, surprised that there was a difference between how loose the laces on his right shoe were and how loose he had to pull them on his left shoe. He was watching his foot as he slid it out of the shoe and right away he saw that his ankle in the white sock was swollen. He couldn’t make out his ankle bone and he touched his foot to somehow feel if it was any different. He took off his sock, apparently it had been so tight that it had left some imprints of the material on his skin.
Kieran mumbled to himself, “What the hell?”
He investigated his foot some more but he couldn’t feel anything. His hand felt his foot but his foot didn’t feel his hand.
Worried he set his naked foot down on the foot rest and then pulled the other one up to take off the sock. When he placed his right foot next to the left one on the foot rest he saw the difference and he knew now that something was wrong. His left ankle was swollen and he knew that the accident in the hospital hallway was the cause of this.
Kieran couldn’t feel the pain but he was worried now and hoped his foot wouldn’t be fractured. He was debating if he should call the family clinic to get seen about this.

                He transferred over onto the bed and when he had his legs positioned in front of him on the bed he looked at both his feet again and definitely saw the difference in the ankles. Exhausted he let his head fall back and just closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about the whole situation again. He really didn’t feel like going to the clinic and just laid there.
                He thought of Erin and he wished he could see her sooner. Everything was just heavily weighing on his mind and he wasn’t really too happy anymore about the upcoming night with the mysterious episode that would probably overcome his body again. He didn’t know how long he would be able to keep this to himself anymore. He started doubting his sanity but as much as he wanted to tell someone it also scared him what people would then think of him. Thinking about seeing Erin made him feel slightly better.
                He pulled out his phone and texted Erin:
“Hey Erin, just checking in. I am just laying around on my bed and was thinking about you. I am really looking forward to see you again on Friday.”

He dropped his phone on the bed next to him and sighed. Although he had people around him he felt alone with his situation and he recognized this feeling from his past issues and it worried him. Back then the loneliness and hopelessness that had overcome him had led to some bad situations.

                   His breathing became quicker as he felt his body tremble in the areas he could feel. His hands were sweaty and he closed his eyes as he tried to get his breathing under control. He had one tablet of Lorazepam on the bedside table and he glanced over to it wondering if he should maybe take the tablet before his anxiety would pick up. Fiona never let him have the whole bottle of tablets and kept all his medications locked away. She usually laid out one tablet each of his medications. The fear of Kieran overdosing was still present and after his suicide attempt it had been advised that she keep his meds locked away and only lay out enough for him to make it through the day and night. Every morning she usually put one Baclofen in the small tray, one Lorazepam, one Ambien, two Motrin, and one Cyclobenzaprine for muscle spasms if Kieran decided to not take any Baclofen during a spastic episode. If he had not used the tablets or only some of them she replenished accordingly but she never let him have access to the full bottles of tablets.

                  Now Kieran watched his chest move up and down quickly and he looked down at his still legs and he swallowed, pressing his lips together. He tried to slow his breathing and was hoping he could stop this episode before it got worse.  Usually the Lorazepam made him very sleepy though and he didn’t think it was a good idea to fall asleep right now. He laid his head back on the pillow and focused on his breathing, trying to remember some of the relaxation techniques he had been taught in rehab and also in support group. He let his mind drift off to Erin and being with her in a nice place and very intensely he tried to hold on to those thoughts and it seemed to help him some. A few sweat beads collected on his forehead but he eventually slowed his breathing and dozed off.

                He was startled when all the sudden it knocked on his door and when he opened his eyes Ashleigh appeared in the doorframe of his room, “Uncle Kieran?”
He sat up some and with a quick look at the clock on the bedside table he greeted Ashleigh with a scratchy voice, “Oh hey Ash.”
Ashleigh asked softly, “Can I come in?”
Kieran answered sleepily, “Yeah sure.”
Ashleigh came to the bed and sat down on the edge. She curiously glanced down to Kieran’s naked feet sticking out of his sweat pants.
It didn’t take long and she saw the difference in the size of his ankles, “Uncle Kieran, what is going on with your foot?”
Kieran pushed himself up on his hands and looked down at his foot, “I don’t really know, I had a little accident today and fell out of my chair and I think I hurt my ankle in the process.”
Ashleigh looked at him with a worried expression, “Fell out of your chair? You need to have someone look at your ankle. I am getting some ice.”

He didn’t have time to protest as Ashleigh left his room and came back a few moments later with a pack of ice from the freezer and a towel.
She laid the towel and ice over Kieran’s ankle and then sat back down, “Why did you fall out of your chair?”
Kieran didn’t want to talk about any of it and tried to come up with a quick lie, “I pushed my rims too hard on a slick floor at the VA hospital.”
“Oh, you had your support group today?”
“Yes… How was your first day of High School?”
Ashleigh looked down and sighed, “It was all right. It was kind of hectic. I couldn’t find my one classroom and was late. I also didn’t have enough time to eat lunch because I had to get a book from the library. I guess it wasn’t great…”
“Hey, I bet tomorrow will be better.”
Ashleigh looked at her uncle concerned, “Are you okay, Uncle Kieran?”
Kieran nodded, “Yeah, I felt a bit woozy a while ago. I think I’m okay now.”
Ashleigh adjusted the ice on Kieran’s foot, “Try to keep that on your ankle.”

                She sat on the edge of the bed, watching him and making sure he was okay, “You don’t feel any pain?”
Kieran shook his head and mumbled, “No, I had no idea something was going on until I tried to take my shoes off a while ago.”
Even though Ashleigh was old enough to somewhat comprehend the nature of Kieran’s Spinal Cord Injury she still was amazed sometimes at the loss of any kind of sensation in the lower half of his body.
She couldn’t really imagine how it must feel to not have any sensations in some parts of the body, like it was not there even though everyone was able to see and touch it.
She had asked Kieran about it a while back but not too much anymore because even though he was always nice about it she felt that it hurt him to explain to her over and over again how it felt to be paralyzed. 
“Do you want me to stay in here?”
Kieran still felt drowsy, “No, just go do whatever you need to do. I’m just going to lay here until your mom gets home.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
Ashleigh left his room and Kieran laid back on his pillow and closed his eyes again. He still debated if he should maybe get his ankle checked out but he really didn’t feel like going anywhere.
                He actually fell asleep and didn’t wake up until Fiona came into his room.
He opened his eyes slowly and glanced over toward the door, seeing his sister come closer to his bed, “Kieran, hey! Ash told me you had an accident today and hurt your foot or something.”
Kieran didn’t sit up but stayed laying down and answered lowly, “I did but it is all good. I don’t think it’s broken or anything. I had a little crash at the VA hospital and fell out of my chair.”
“How did you fall out of your chair?”
Somewhat annoyed Kieran told her the same little story he had told his niece about wheeling too fast down the hall at the hospital.
Fiona sighed again but looked at Kieran suspiciously, “Okay, enough with those accidents please!”
Kieran replied with sarcasm, “Yes mom.”
Fiona checked the ice on Kieran’s ankle and adjusted it and looked at the ankle a bit closer, “It is quite swollen Kieran.”
He didn’t feel like talking or doing anything and only replied, “It’s all right. Just leave it alone.”

                Fiona knew not to say anything else and in her mind reprimanded herself of being too overbearing with Kieran sometimes. It was worry and sometimes not really knowing how Kieran really did with his PTSD and psychological wellbeing that made her act that way.
She stood up, “Dinner is done in 20 minutes.”
Kieran stayed in his bed and dozed off again. He heard Fiona call him for dinner about half an hour later.

                Before he wheeled out to dinner he pulled out his phone, Erin had not replied to his earlier message and he sent her another short message:
Hey Erin, how has your day been? I hope work was good. I have been feeling tired this afternoon and actually had a small accident today. I hurt my foot and I guess I sprained my ankle. I didn’t realize I had injured it until I took my sneaker off and saw it was swollen. Anyhow, hope you are doing good. TTYL, Kieran.”

He dropped his phone onto his bed and somewhat lethargic he transferred into his Quickie and wheeled out to the family room to join them for dinner. Tyler was home from work and laid stretched out on the couch about to fall asleep.
When he heard Kieran wheel in he sat up some and looked him up and down, “Hey Kieran. What’s up? Fiona told me you hurt your foot or something.”
Kieran quickly told the lie again and was glad Tyler didn’t ask any other questions.

                Kieran spent the rest of the evening with the family eating dinner, and watching TV from the recliner, his foot propped up on a pillow. Fiona kept an icepack on his ankle the whole evening to help with the swelling. He didn’t feel the cold or the pain his foot would have caused him otherwise.

While he lay there a text came from Erin:
Hey Kieran. I’m so sorry to hear about your ankle. I hope it is nothing too lengthy. Are you actually still up for Friday night then? If you don’t feel like it, I understand.”
Kieran replied:
“Erin, thanks. It’s all right with my ankle. I don’t feel the pain so it is actually kind of good. Yes, I am definitely still on for Friday. Very much so. What time do you want me to pick you up?”

“Seven is good again.”
“Do you want to go see a movie? Dinner first?”
“Yes, that would be nice.”
“Seven it is. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Same here.”
They texted back and forth a little while until Erin finished the conversation and Kieran turned back to the TV show.
                He was in bed at ten o’clock and laid there looking at his two feet next to each other. The difference was very visible with his left ankle swollen. For a while he still zapped through his TV channels and eventually slid himself down into his bed to go to sleep. He decided to take a sleeping pill that night with all the tumult that had happened that day. He wanted to make sure he could somewhat sleep

                 It worked until 12:48 a.m. when again he was torn out of his sleep the same way he had been awakened every night lately. Spasms made his back curve violently, running from his legs up into his spine and Kieran took a gasping breath as he felt the sensation come back to him. As the strong spasms had brought back the sensation to his legs and back he also was confronted with the actual pain of his ankle and he pulled himself up on his headboard and watched as his legs twitched and when the spasms shook his left leg and foot he was surprised to feel the stinging pain shooting through his ankle. He took some quick breaths as he tried to not move his foot too much with the spasms trembling through him as he felt his legs, and his back all the way up to his T-4. He couldn’t help a curse hissing over his lips as he felt the intense and stinging pain of his ankle. As much as he wanted to try to get up on his feet he knew it wasn’t a good idea. He had to keep the weight off his left foot and with that he stayed in his bed.
                He was breathing through the pain, waiting for the time to be up and losing all the sensation again. This time he did push his hand under his incontinence briefs though, feeling for his manhood, soft and warm tugged away within the confinements of the briefs. He wrapped his hand around it and leaned his head back on the head board as he tried to remember the times when he used to help himself relieve some of the pressures built up in the past. The past when he was still healthy and sexually active. To his total surprise his cock size increased some as his hand was wrapped around it and with soft squeezes he awakened it from a long sleep. He glanced down into the darkness of the briefs with his hand around his cock and then to the door, hoping no one would walk in on him. It was highly unlikely as everyone in the house was sleeping but the act of touching himself in that way and actually achieving a success confused him very much. He didn’t care about his ankle pain anymore, he felt a sensation of another kind. A sensation he had not felt in a long time and something he thought he would never ever feel again. His hand squeezed some more and his cock quickly didn’t fit into his hand anymore as he slowly moved his hand up and down the length of its shaft. His breathing came quicker. He thought of Erin and felt his hands tremble and felt his breathing come out in gasps as he imagined himself and Erin in a very intimate way all the while touching and squeezing himself, moving his hand up and down a little faster.
                His time was up and in the middle of this incredible feeling another spasm threw his leg over and forced him to arch his back in agony, losing the grip of his cock in his hand and leaving the erect body part inside of his incontinence briefs, “Shit…fuck..”
He punched the mattress beside him with his hand as the sensation escaped again, leaving behind the stillness and silence of his broken body, back to being paraplegic and making it all seem like a dream again.
He hit his fist hard onto the bed, hissing, “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.”
He was angry and in the spasticity he lifted his shorts and briefs again to look at his cock but it now had decreased in size again and was laying on its side, waiting to become all the way soft and to go back to sleep. In defeat he left his hand on the outside of his shorts and soon he felt the briefs under it get warm with moisture when instead of semen his cock now only let urine flow through its urethra.
                He looked up at the ceiling and he was angry and frustrated, “This fucking sucks…what the hell is this shit?”
The pain was gone again and his ankle just lay swollen and injured next to its counterpart. The pain that stayed was not the physical pain but once again the psychological pain of having had roughly 20 minutes of normalcy back just to have it taken away again. He was breathing through his nose and couldn’t help a tear run over his cheek which he quickly wiped away. The situation had left him exhausted and even though he knew he had wet his briefs and could have used some new ones he angrily pushed himself down in his bed again and rolling over to the side ignoring the movement of his injured ankle he closed his wet eyes. The sleeping pill took over again and let him fall back asleep into a restless sleep though just to be aroused by some horrible images in his dream and staring into the darkness of his room for a few moments, realizing he was not in any danger. He dug his fingers into the pillow next to him and with some flash back images of his time in Afghanistan he fell asleep again and didn’t wake up until eleven o’clock on Thursday.
                Everyone had already left the house to work and to school and after Kieran was done in the bathroom he wheeled out into the kitchen where he found a note from Fiona, “Good Morning. Hope you slept all right. Normal day today, kids will be home at three and four o’clock. Call or text if anything is up. F.”

Kieran didn’t go to the YMCA that day, he knew it wouldn’t be a good idea with his ankle and just stayed in all day. As he got on his computer in his room he went back to his Spinal Cord Injury Site and saw he had some replies to his question. He clicked on the replies and read through them:
“Hey dude, sorry you are dealing with those severe spasms right now. I couldn’t handle it anymore and I decided to let them put in the Baclofen pump. It is a lot easier now and I can adjust the medication flow according to my needs. If you’re still on oral Baclofen, you should talk to your doc about the pump. It has been a good thing for me. Robert.”
Nothing that helped Kieran with his situation. The next one read:
“KOM, I am just recently injured and I wake up every night from dreams of walking still. I was a cross country athlete before I got injured. I see myself running and walking in my dream, even jumping over the hurdles. I hate those dreams because every time I feel like shit when I wake up and realize I am not moving the lower half of my body. I hope it won’t be like this forever. I don’t want to dream about my former life anymore. It is so frustrating. How long ago have you been injured? Jay”
Another reply that didn’t really help Kieran. He read on:
“Hey man, from your post it sounds like you still can’t really grasp that you are paralyzed now. Some people have hope forever that maybe there is still this tiny possibility to walk again and I have done that for a long time, hoping, researching and pondering how I can make it all work again. There is no way man. You are T-4 complete, it won’t change just miraculously back to how you used to be. I am sorry to bust your bubble but stop doing weird stunts like getting up and shit. You can really get hurt doing this stuff. I wish I had better advice. Hang in there, Wheelsalloveryou.” 
                Kieran sighed and read over three more posts and no one really had the same experience he had been having and he didn’t really get any good advice on the situation.
With a quick Thank You post to all the responders he clicked out of the SCI site and just stared out of the window for a little while.  He was discouraged at the whole situation and felt alone with his experience he had to live through night after night. He had not yet heard from his friend Andy either and concluded that Andy didn’t want to meet with him for a beer.
                Frustration and anger was building up inside of him as he thought about the situation some more. His body was playing tricks on him he didn’t understand. Wheeling away from his desk and turning on his PlayStation 4 he escaped into his video games and forgot about the world around him for a few hours until Ashleigh showed up in his door, “Hey Uncle Kieran, I am home.”
Kieran paused his game, “Hey Ash, how is it going?”
Seeing Ashleigh with a smile on her face heightened his spirits and right as Ashleigh was going to leave him alone he stopped her, “Don’t go yet, come in and tell me about your day.”
Ashleigh walked in and fell on Kieran’s bed, “It was all right. Better than yesterday I guess. At least I wasn’t lost and I had lunch with Chloe and Sandra.”
Kieran had paused his game and spun his Quickie around to face Ashleigh on the bed, “See, second day is already better. It will only get better with every day. How do you like your teachers?”
Ashleigh explained about her teachers and how she liked them so far. Kieran just listened to her, nodding in between.

                 Once she was done with the introduction of her teachers she asked, “How are you? What did you do today?”
"I didn’t do anything. Just stayed here. I didn’t want to go to the Y with my messed up ankle.”
For a moment Ashleigh forgot about Kieran’s paraplegia, “Does it hurt a lot?”
Kieran smiled at her and shook his head, “Not that I know of. It probably does but I’m not sure.”
Ashleigh realized her mistake and sat up some, “Oh Gosh Uncle Kieran…I am so stupid. I don’t know why I asked this.”
She felt bad for being so forgetful of her uncle’s condition but Kieran smiled still, “It’s all right. Do not call yourself stupid you hear! You are not stupid, you just forgot for a moment and that’s fine. Actually it is kind of cool because that means to you I don’t look that crippled and that makes me feel pretty damn good.”
He laughed lowly but Ashleigh still tried to find an excuse, “I should have used my brain Uncle Kieran…I am so sorry.”
Kieran realized that she felt sincerely bad and he wheeled over to her, looked at her and said in a serious tone, “Ash, don’t worry about it okay. If anyone is allowed to ask me a question like that it’s you because you see me all the time and I have no problem with it. I think it’s cool because apparently you don’t always see the chair.”
Ashleigh had a slightly sad expression on her face when she said lowly, “I sometimes forget and then when I realize that there are things going on with you I get sad. At the same time I am glad you don’t feel the pain of your sprained ankle but…”
She was lost for words and took a deep breath.
Kieran looked at her intensely, “Ash, listen to me…it’s all right. Don’t feel bad, okay.”

               “Do you sometimes wish you wouldn’t be paralyzed?”
Kieran had hoped the conversation wouldn’t lead to a question like that and he looked down, took a deep breath, looked back up at his niece and answered, “Not only sometimes, all the time…”
He could see Ashleigh’s eyes get shiny and quickly he added, “I am okay though. It is what it is and I’m getting used to it. I’m glad that I’m here with you guys; that helps a lot to make things all right for me. You and Nickie, your mom and dad help me a lot to not think about it too much. It’s all good.”
He watched Ashleigh’s reaction and when she didn’t say anything he added with a smile, “And get this…tomorrow night I’m going out again with Chloe’s mom. I’m really looking forward to that.”
Now Ashleigh brought a big smile over her face, “I AM very happy about that.”
She got up and leaned down to hug her uncle once again, “I have to do some stuff for school now.”
Kieran nodded while hugging her back, “Yeah, you go do that then. Homework already?”
“Just looking over some syllabuses and sign them and stuff.”
They let go of each other and Kieran said, “Oh okay…hey if you ever need help with any of your homework or school stuff, please let me know Ash. I can help you with anything so you don’t have to bug your mom and dad at night.”
Thanks Uncle Kieran.”
She walked towards the door and turned around once more, “Hopefully your ankle doesn’t hurt too much.”
Kieran laughed about her words and she walked away smiling.

                 After she had closed the door he took a deep breath and thought for a quick moment about the conversation. He wondered if he shouldn’t have answered truthfully to her question about his thoughts on his paraplegia. He didn’t want to bother the kids with his negative thoughts but then again he wanted to be honest with them at the same time and when they asked him questions about his disability he had always been sincere.

                 He sighed and turned back to his Video game, playing a couple more rounds of Black Ops and finding himself lost in thoughts until Dominic came into this room and asked to watch his uncle play.
Kieran let him lounge on his bed and watch him play while he asked about his second day at school. Dominic chattered innocently about his day, his friends, his teachers and the classes he had. Kieran enjoyed his company until it was dinner time at seven o’clock.

                 Thursday in the early morning hours at 12:48 am Kieran found himself in the same situation like every night for two weeks now. He didn’t want to attempt getting up because of his ankle but he was very tempted. The pounding pain of his sprained ankle stopped him though from getting up. Instead that night he just relaxed through the ordeal, let his hands stroke over the skin of his belly and legs, feeling the warmth of his hands and even though he thought about guiding his hand inside his incontinence briefs again he decided not to try this. He most likely wouldn’t have enough time to work his cock long enough to get some relief and he really wasn’t sure if he could actually ejaculate anymore. In rehab there had been some quick lessons on love and sex after a Spinal Cord Injury and he remembered being told that even if an ejaculation would occur the semen would either be worthless or too weak to get a woman pregnant. He didn’t want to think about those facts too long and just forgot about it while letting his hands rub over his legs and massaging them, feeling the skin of his hands on his legs and the pressure and sensation that came with it.

                   Again it lasted not even 30 minutes but still every night a minute had been added to this mysterious situation. His mind was still running around the possibilities of something like this happening but he had no explanation whatsoever. When the time was up his body went into its stillness and the permanent illusion of not even being there from his T-4 vertebrae down. He looked at the limbs and the flesh of a body that didn’t seem to belong to him, making him feel like he was really only a half of a body. Sadness crept up again and he fell asleep with the help of a sleeping pill Fiona had replenished during the day.


  1. Mystery continues... very well written. I am really curious what's going on and I love that your characters never go the easy way.

  2. Mystery continues... I love that your characters never go the easy way. Can't believe it's already chapter 9 and I have no clue what is going on. Unpredictable story!

  3. Such a sweet story. Hopefully kieran will find some peace soon. Probably Erin will be a good distraction from his current situation.
    Thanks for the update.

  4. I sure hope Kieran only sprained the ankle and did not break it. He really should at least have it x-rayed.

  5. I love it that your chapters are long. That really helps to immerse myself into the story.
    Hopefully Kieran s foot will be fine soon.

  6. Thanks for the update. I wonder if kieran will talk to Erin about it and sooner or later they will use the 20 minutes time in the night for some hot stuff hehehe