Thursday, April 18, 2019

What It Was - Chapter 13

Chapter 13

At my question, Jordan’s dark eyes flickered nervously. He took my hand into his and gently placed it in the middle of his chest right below his sternum.

“I can’t feel anything from here on down.”

I left my hand there for a moment and thought about how Jordan didn’t have any sensation in the lower half of his body. My heart was racing as I gently traced my fingers downward into the hollow of his belly.  
Jordan didn’t say anything, his eyes were fixed on my face, and he was twirling my hair around his fingers.

Watching my own fingers run over his body, I remarked without looking at him, “So you can’t feel that?”
Jordan moved his eyes to where my hand was, “No.”
I looked up at him and he added, “I felt when you touched my chest and my arms. It felt good. Your hands are soft and warm.”

I smiled and lowered my eyes, feeling an intense longing to be a lot closer to Jordan. Being with him had made me forget about everything else. Even my own injuries and pain were suppressed into the depth of my mind. Somehow my regular life seemed so far away in some distant past that I could barely remember. Everything I knew had diminished into my unconscious mind. My mind raced around Jordan and nothing else. I wanted to be closer to him, I wanted to explore his body in whichever way that would be possible. I wanted all of him and I wanted to be everything to him. 

His body trembled under my hand and his legs were still twitching, sending faint vibrations into my legs. The inside of my thighs was warm. As my longing to tend to the pulsating between my legs intensified, I imagined actually laying on top of Jordan

I examined his chest with my eyes and I was relieved when I didn’t see any punctures or wounds around his pectorals. For a few seconds I pondered on this, and then without a word I gently let my lips come down onto his chest. Jordan flinched noticeably and I dabbed a few more kisses around his nipples. A light layer of soft, dark hair covered his chest.

I sensed Jordan’s nervousness at my kisses. As I transferred more gentle kisses onto his warm skin, I glanced down to his legs and I saw the wheelchair parked next to the bed. The inside of my thighs was burning.

Leaning over Jordan in this way, I felt a faint painful pressure of my head injury. Touching his skin with my lips let me forget about this very quickly though. Of what I saw, his chest was clear of any punctures or open wounds, apparently he didn’t stick any needles into that part of his body.
Jordan’s chest rose and fell quickly under the soft flicks of my lips. I could actually hear him breathe now as I moved my lips over his chest, around his nipples, and over to his protruding collar bone.

My thoughts circled around his paralyzed body and feeling the constant spasticity of his legs next to me excited me very much. I glanced down to his feet sticking out of the jeans and I imagined seeing more of his braces and how they were on his legs. I was very curious.

Besides the constant spasticity, his lower body didn’t have any actual life in it, it didn’t react to my soft touches and my gentle kisses in a physical way, but I could very much sense a mental tension in Jordan at my closeness.

In between the flicks of my lips on his chest, I hushed, “Do you feel this?”
I glanced up at him and he nodded.
Running his fingers over my shoulders, he cleared his throat and said softly, “Shay?”
I moved up to him and smiled, “Yes.”
He stammered, “I haven’t been…I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. I really don’t remember the last time…”
He stopped and took a deep breath.
Dreamily tracing my fingers over his chest, I asked softly, “Was it before you got shot?”
He nodded and I saw his Adam’s apple move up and down.
He cleared his throat again and attempted, “I don’t know…I haven’t…” He stopped again and took another deep breath.

His hand on his belly was visibly shaking.

I put my hand over his trembling hand, trying to make him feel less concerned about the fact that he hadn’t been with anyone in years, “Don’t worry Jordan. I just enjoy being close to you. I just couldn’t resist kissing you where your skin was not broken.”
He smiled weakly, “It feels very good.”
His expression changed into sadness, “But I don’t know what to do with my body anymore….”
He paused and took some quick breaths before he continued nervously, “It’s been worthless to me…and with that seems worthless to anyone else really.”

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling above us.

Trying to hold his quivering hand still under mine, I replied, “Your body is not worthless to me. I want to see all of it, every scar, every wound, every bone, and I want to explore it and I want to caress it.”

Jordan laughed a soft, sarcastic laugh and squeezed his eyes shut, taking some quick breaths.
He seemed like he was in distress.

I ran my hand over his face, “Are you okay?”
He now looked at me again, “I want to make you happy, Shay, but I don’t think I’ll be able to.”

My fingers ran over the side of his face. I really didn’t know what to say to that because he probably wasn’t all the way wrong. I was scared and I was worried, but in the moment, it felt only right to be with him in this way and I longed to be so much closer to him.

I didn’t want to worry and looking deeply into his eyes, I replied, “Let’s enjoy the moment for what it is before it fades. You and I, that’s all that matters right now. You said so yourself earlier, we can’t plan but we have to live in the present.”
He softly ran his fingers over my cheek, “You’re right, Shay. This moment is the only thing that matters, ‘cos it’ll fade quicker than you know it.”
I smiled, “So don’t worry about anything else right now.”

His hand ran over the side of my face and he nodded. With that I snuggled myself next to him, my head resting on his chest. Jordan had his arm around me and gently ran his fingers over my back. I felt him trace along my bra straps. Next to my ear I heard his heart beat very fast.

As I watched how his legs were still trembling, I whispered, “I still want to see your braces and your legs, Jordan.”

He seemed to tense up and stopped running his fingers over my back, but didn’t say anything.

I whispered, “Please.”
“There’s really nothing to see, Shay. My legs are messed up.”
I kissed his chest and replied softly, “I don’t see it that way. I want to see your paralyzed legs and touch them. I want to see the braces too.”

Jordan’s expression was insecure. He was taking quick breaths and a distant trembling ran through him. I sat up next to him.
He pushed himself up on his elbows and looked from his legs to me.

“I don’t know Shay, there’s really nothing special about my legs.”
I smiled at him warmly, “You’re special to me, all of you.”

He looked away and shook his head.
I let my hand run over his arm and with my fingers I traced over his shoulder.
I leaned down and gently kissed his collar bone.

“Jordan, I know your body is hurting, I know you’re suffering and I know you’re not well. But I’m so incredibly happy we have this moment together right now and I want to be with you and be close to you. Your body may be broken but to me it’s just another reason to caress it even more and show you how much I care about you.”

Jordan swallowed and let his head fall back onto the pillow. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him, looking into my eyes. 

“I wish this moment would never end and we could always be like this.”
I ran my fingers through his hair and let my eyes travel over his face, “I wish the same thing.”
He then added, “It won’t always be like this.”

I didn’t smile anymore and we just looked at each other.
My heart was racing in my chest at looking at him. I felt so many things but the more I thought about everything, the more I was scared that we would not have many moments like this.
Jordan pulled his hand away from my face and when he rested it on his belly again, I saw tremors run through it, letting his fingers twitch. When I looked at his hand, he put his other hand on top of it.

He avoided my eyes and I asked him, “Are you okay?”

He nodded weakly and he nervously pushed himself up on his elbows again. I knew he was trying to distract from his trembling hands.
He pushed himself up all the way and I moved over some, giving him space to lean on the head board. When he had a sturdy position he looked at me, forcing a smile.

I sat next to him and pulled a pillow out from under the comforter, “Here, let me put that behind you.”

Jordan leaned forward slightly and I was able to stuff the pillow behind his head and shoulders. He leaned back again and wrapped his arm around me as I snuggled up to him.
My eyes travelled over his body and down to his legs. They were side by side in his baggy jeans, slightly trembling still. Each foot was held in the molded shell of the brace. Straps over the bridge of his feet held them in place.

I didn’t want to be pushy but seeing Jordan lay there on my bed, his legs trembling, his socked feet in the braces and knowing everything I knew about him, excited me. It seemed wrong but I also felt so much for him in those moments and the fear of this moment being over soon lingered.

I said softly, “Please Jordan, let me see your braces and your legs.”
He now turned his head toward me and nodded, “If it’s something you would like, go ahead.”
I was actually surprised at his agreeing and sat up, looking at him, “Are you sure?”
He nodded with a weary expression, “Just be warned, it’s not anything good.”

My fingers traced down into its hollow belly again and over to his hip bones where his jeans were barely hanging on, the waistband of his boxers still showing. When I looked at Jordan again, he seemed nervous and his dark eyes flickered as my hands travelled to the fly of his jeans.

With my own hands trembling, I clumsily unbuttoned and unzipped him. His blue boxer briefs appeared with a soft bulge in his crotch. I realized again how skinny Jordan was as I looked at him sitting there. I still felt the trembling of his body, it was like a constant charge running through him. As I met his eyes, he licked his lips nervously.

He now reached over to my arm, “Maybe not Shay.”
I took my hands from his jeans and moved up some, “Here, you take my pants off first.”

Jordan’s expression was surprised and he didn’t react to the offer.

I took his hand in mine and guided it to the waist band of my joggers, “It’s all right. Just take them off.”

His eyes focused on my waist and with shaky hands and some assistance from me he wriggled my joggers over my legs, especially carefully over my injured foot. I now sat there in only my black panties and a tank top. Jordan’s eyes skimmed over my legs as I sat next to him, smiling. With the tip of his tongue he moistened his lips and when I put my hands to my tank top and slipped it over my head, he just stared at me. He seemed stunned and lowered his eyes nervously, like he was doing something wrong looking at me sitting there in only a bra and panties.

I assured him softly, “It’s okay, Jordan, you may look at me.”

Slowly he moved his eyes up and hesitantly his eyes travelled over my body. I could see he liked what he saw. He moved his hand over to my thigh and let his fingers run over my skin.  

I smiled at him and now put my hands to his jeans again and gently started to tug on the waistband. With his hands by his sides Jordan pushed himself up just enough so I could pull his jeans over his butt, completely uncovering the blue boxer briefs. I could clearly see that he was nervous.

As I pulled his jeans all the way down, I exposed more of his legs and braces. Right away I spotted the bruises and punctures on both his legs. The AFO braces were strapped onto his lower legs below his knees and both his feet rested in them, keeping them in a flexed position as they were held in the brace with the Velcro straps over each foot. The braces were made of black thermoplastic. I slid his jeans all the way over his feet. 

In the back the braces came up on his heel and attached with a metal hinge to the part coming up by his ankles where another Velcro strap held them around his ankles. On the back of his calves, the rigid shells wrapped halfway around to the front. Two black Velcro straps held them in place over his shins. Under the braces Jordan wore black socks that came up his shins. I was very much intrigued and ever more so excited.

Jordan lay there only in socks, his braces, and boxers. His legs were skinny and bony just like the rest of his body, there was not an ounce of fat on him. I spotted small bruises and wounds by his knees and some on the inside of his thighs. I also noticed prominent scars on his right thigh, causing uneven bulges on his skin in addition to the obvious uneven spots from where he had been injecting the drugs.

My breathing quickened and I stared at his legs for a few moments. Jordan was holding himself up with his hands by his sides and looked down the length of his body to where I sat and was inspecting his legs.
I gently let my hands run over his skinny legs. Even his boxers hung somewhat lose on his hips and the front of them was not filled out with a bulge of excitement but just a soft lump, probably curled up inside his underwear.

I put my hands to the straps of the braces, “May I take them off?”
Jordan bit his lips and looked at me nervously, “I don’t know.”
I softly ran my hand over the bridge of his foot, “I want to see your feet.”

He seemed to think about it for a moment and then shrugged his shoulders almost in defeat.

I looked at him, “It’s okay Jordan.”

He didn’t protest when I unstrapped the four Velcro straps on each brace and gently slid the braces off his feet. The plastic shells were warm and I set them on the bed next to us.

I now rolled down his first sock and pulled it off. Right away on the bridge of his foot in addition to where the Velcro strap had imprinted on his foot, I saw numerous puncture wounds right on top of his foot with his veins protruding. I saw dark bruises around the punctures and I saw the outline of some of the veins very clearly. I made out every bone running through his foot to his toes. Once I had taken the braces off, his feet weren’t flexed but now each foot lay limp, except for an occasional quick twitch doing nothing.

His bony toes just pointed forward, lifeless and still. When I took off the second sock it was the same image. His toe nails were trimmed but the bridge on both of his feet had obviously been penetrated by numerous needle pokes. I carefully ran my hand over his warm foot and up his shin with the light fluff of dark hair, over his knee cap and to his thighs, bones covered with skin, not an ounce of fat on them. I was completely stricken with his legs. I could now see very obvious the trembling of his legs and how they hopped and twitched uncontrollably. There were marks everywhere, punctures on both of his feet, on the top of his thigh and by his knees. His legs seemed almost worse than his arms from what I saw.

When I looked up at Jordan, he looked away, and I saw him take quick breaths, “I told you, they’re messed up.”
I moved myself up next to him and as I looked at him, he finally met my eyes and I whisked some of his hair from his face, “So you’re shooting up on your feet and legs as well?”

He took quick breaths and his eyes moved from mine again, but he nodded.
I let my fingers run over the side of his face.

His voice was weak and he sounded defeated, “I’m running out of places to shoot up.”
He took a deep breath and then said, “Even though my legs aren’t good for anything else, they still have veins I can use…”

Hearing Jordan say this made me realize once again how dire his situation was.

I swallowed the lump in my throat at this and Jordan added with a trembling voice, “It’s not a good body, Shay. I’m ashamed you seeing me like this. Everything about me is broken and I really don’t know…” He paused and took a deep breath, “I don’t know…what you want with me and how you’re going to deal with it.”
His words made my heart beat faster and I added in a whisper, “I can handle it and I will deal with it.”
I touched his face, “I can see your body has been through a lot but it makes me want to caress it and take care of it even more. It makes me want to make it better again for you. I want to take your pain away, Jordan.”

His eyes were shiny and a tremble ran through him just as I had said that. And at thinking about it all, I felt my eyes fill with tears and deep inside I wasn’t even sure if I could take this on. I wouldn’t tell him that though because maybe there was a chance for him to get better if he had a reason to live again. Out of all the paraplegic men in the world, it was Jordan who had crossed my path and who now was lying right there in my bed next to me and I wanted to believe that there was a reason for this.

I now slowly and carefully with my foot still hurting moved myself over Jordan. He was nervous but let his head rest back onto the pillow and watched as I slowly climbed over him and sat on his thighs.  He moved his trembling hands to my waist.

Our eyes locked and I said softly, “With me you don’t have to be ashamed of your body.”

His eyes were glistening as he scanned over my body.

I couldn’t ignore the longing I felt between my legs at sitting on Jordan. His thigh bones pushed onto my butt cheeks; my foot hurt at the awkward angle, but I didn’t care. I looked at him and ran my fingers over his chest.

Jordan stroked his hands up and down my waist, “Your body is perfect, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen Shay.”
I smiled and with my hand on the side of his face I said, “Your body is beautiful to me too.”
Jordan laughed softly and shook his head.

I ran my hand down the side of his face, down his neck and over his chest. I felt every rib in his chest, saw his veins run over his tendons in his arms, some veins where the poison had made its path through his body more visible than others.  
While Jordan’s eyes stayed on my face his hands explored the roundness and softness of my butt.

I stroked my hand down his side again, down to his hips and I pushed myself onto his lower body slightly harder. He apparently realized my shifting closer to him and his eyes were on my lower body. I very much felt my loins ache for him and I wanted so much more of him.

I leaned down again and let my lips touch his chest again, taking in the vibrations and the warmth of his body. Jordan looked up at the ceiling and under my lips his chest rose and fell quicker.
My kisses gently flicked around his pectorals and nipples.  As I let my lips touch his skin over and over again, I could hear him take quick breaths.
He sat up some and now wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me to him, and he buried his face in my chest.

He hands reached around my back for my bra snap and I was surprised when he unhooked my bra and gently slid the straps over my shoulders and arms. Jordan didn’t wait but his lips touched down on the skin of my bare breasts, sending chills over my arms.

As I sat on him, his breaths were coming quick. I still felt the spasms racing through his legs, sending vibrations into me at the same time. I let my hands run through his hair and Jordan kissed and licked my breasts.
My thoughts were running wild and I felt very aroused thinking about his body and paraplegia. The fact that he didn’t feel me pushing onto him harder but my feeling his spastic legs under me, drove me crazy.

Jordan pulled me closer and as his tongue flicked my skin, I couldn’t help rubbing myself slightly on his lap, creating a friction that excited me enormously. Jordan looked up at me and our eyes locked.

I smiled at him and Jordan hushed over my skin, “I wanted to taste your skin, Shay.”

He pulled me to him and his hands were all over my back and my butt. He seemed to pull me even harder onto to him. My arousal intensified and the way he was so assertive turned me on tremendously. I pressed myself to him while Jordan now took my hard nipple into his mouth and suckled on it. My breaths came quicker and I looked up to the ceiling stretching my neck taking in his kissing. My hair bun had mostly come undone and strands of my hair draped over my back. I felt my head injury throb slightly. I ran my hands through Jordan’s hair and held him to me.   

I moved my loins in a quicker rhythm on him and the friction caused my arousal to become more intense with every moment. Jordan kept his hands on my butt cheeks and pulled me to him. His grip was tight and possessive.

But with all his assertiveness and the excitement of the moment, Jordan didn’t show any signs of an erection and everything in his crotch remained still and soft, no obvious excitement or arousal.
Instead I was incredibly turned on and I brushed my hands over his shoulders.
Jordan was kneading my breasts in his hands and his lips flicked kisses around my nipples. He softly pulled and bit on them, causing them to stand and point.

He was breathing quickly. I could sense a profound tension in him and how he was being forceful to get something out of this but physically it didn’t happen for him. I pushed myself harder against his lower body and rubbed myself on him so much that I finally hushed into his ear under quick gasps, “I’m about to come.”

I saw him press his lips together and I felt his hands grab my butt tighter and harder and he almost shoved me to him now as I felt my climax come on and while I latched on to his neck I let out a small cry and I felt my orgasm race through me like a tornado and reaching all the far corners of my body.

I moaned into this neck and Jordan’s chest was rising and falling quickly as I came hard and intense.

I took quick breaths feeling every bit of the powerful pleasure and Jordan under me just kissing my neck and holding on to my ass cheeks. My orgasm slowly faded and I felt exhaustion overcome me. I let myself collapse on him and his grip loosened.
I then looked at him and I saw a tear run from his eye.

I looked into his dark eyes for a moment, “Are you okay Jordan?”
I ran my hand over the side of his face and he lowered his eyes.
I saw his Adam’s apple move up and down before he said softly, “I wanted to make you happy.”
I leaned down some and our faces were right across from each other, “You did make me happy; you are making me happy.”

We looked at each other for a moment and I longed so much to kiss his lips but I knew I couldn’t.

As we just kept our eyes on each other I said softly, “Jordan, I think I’m falling in love with you. I can’t stop it….”
His eyes stayed on me and he pushed strands of my hair out of my face.
He smiled but his face was still sad, “I fell in love with you the first moment I looked into your eyes, Shay…but I never in a million years imagined I would ever be with you.”

His eyes were glistening again and I fell into his arms and we held each other.
Jordan mumbled next to my ear, “I still can’t really believe this…”
I now looked at him, “I love you Jordan.”
A tear ran out of his eye and he replied, “And I love you...”
He moved his eyes up to the ceiling, trying not to look at me and biting his lips before he added with a shaky voice, “But I know I’m not….”

He didn’t finish because at that moment an intense quiver raced through him, his body seemed charged from his legs to his head. He squeezed his eyes shut and took quick and deep breaths.

I was worried about him, “Are you all right Jordan?”

He didn’t answer but was apparently breathing through another strong tremor.  

I took him in my arms and wrapped my arms around him. Quick tremors kept him in a constant quiver now. And I realized his skin had become damp and cool.

His hands were shaking more now too and I touched his hand and held it for a moment, “Jordan, are you all right? Please talk to me.” I was very worried about him now.
After the next tremor he took a deep breath and stammered, “I probably need…need to…”

He didn’t finish but I knew exactly what he was going to say.

“You need to do it now?”

Jordan didn’t answer and we looked at each other. I was lost in his dark nervous eyes, very obviously he was anxious and not focused anymore. Absentminded he touched my hair with trembling fingers while his eyes seemed to jump all over my face. I felt an invisible gap open up between us even though we were close and laying together. I watched him and for a moment his eyes focused on mine.

Between gasping breaths he said, “I’m so sorry, Shay.”


  1. What a powerful chapter. You managed very well what Shay felt being so close to Jordan. Everything you wrote was perfect. The last part made me think of all the long way they will still need to go. Thanks Dani for sharing with us more about Jordan and Shay.

  2. Thanks for the update