Saturday, April 13, 2019

What It Was - Chapter 18

Recap of the previous 17 chapters:
Shay, a young indedendent woman with a regular life meets Jordan, a homeless, drug addicted paraplegic. She notices him as he pan handles for money close to her work place and is stricken with him as she has always had an infatuation with men in wheelchairs. She had never imagined the man of her dreams to be a homeless drug addict though. Jordan and Shay have fleeting contact and then lose sight of each other. Shay can't forget Jordan though and wants to find him again. 
As luck has it, their paths cross again but their meeting turns into a dramatic ordeal when Shay injures herself and Jordan is dealing with health issues in addition to his addiction. Both are admitted into the hospital and that is where they basically get to know each other a lot closer and Shay's infatuation with Jordan turns into something much deeper. Jordan feels the same way but he can't imagine why a woman as Shay would waste all this time and effort on him. Their connection intensifies but Jordan has to leave again and Shay thinks that this is the end of it and she would never see him again.
But he calls her and they meet again. Jordan comes to Shay's apartment and there everything they had already felt for each other gets confirmed. Shay is completely fascinated with Jordan and he feels drawn to her but is very concerned about how their lives that should have never been intersected are now intertwined and lined with deep feelings of pain and love. They fall hard for each other but when Shay is confronted with the harsh reality of Jordan's drug addiction she worries and is very scared. In her tremendous fear she calls on her brother Chad and he is quickly by her side where he now sees who Shay had been talking about and he is concerned but also very much supportive of how his sister feels for Jordan. 
Jordan opens up about his life to Shay's brother and also confides in Shay things he had done in his life and what he had been dealing with in the past. Their romance is all but normal because pain and love are so close and Shay knows that until Jordan doesn't get his addiction under control he will never all the way be hers. But they believe that they are meant to be together. The question remains if they will be strong enough to sustain an actual relationship in which Shay has all her past fantasies of being with a man in a wheelchair come true and for Jordan to finally get a break and a chance to clean up and live a normal life... 
Chapter 18

Jordan and I sat on the couch in an embrace. Outside it had started raining harder again and the sounds of the cars on the street and the rain hitting the pavement was the only thing we heard.

Jordan sniffled his nose and he mumbled, “I’m sorry Shay.”
I shook my head without looking at him, “It’s all right. Don’t worry about it.”
He said softly, “I’m just one big problem, ain’t I?”
“No, you’re not. I’m glad you told me some of this stuff.”
Jordan took a deep breath next to me, “I’ve really been trying for a long time to forget or somehow deal with it all. I haven’t been very successful under my circumstances.”

I shifted, sat up, and looked at him.
His eyes were wet with tears and my tears were only slowly subsiding, “If you let me, I’ll help you to deal with it.”
Jordan bit his lips and then exhaled, looking over my face, “I don’t know how I can be so lucky you came into my life, Shay.”
I smiled at him, “I feel the same way about you. I’m glad you came into my life.”

Jordan laughed softly and shook his head. We looked at each other and I wished so much I could have kissed him.

It was after nine o’clock now on this Saturday night. Time had gone by and it seemed like I had spent days with Jordan already when really it had been only a few hours, not including the time we had been in the hospital together. This Saturday had been one of the most difficult days in a long time for me, probably almost in forever. I had never been so scared for someone I cared about.

The closest of being scared for someone I held dear to my heart had probably been when my dad had suffered a stroke two years earlier. He had come out of it okay, but I remembered the moment my mom had called me from the hospital when they had just brought my dad there with an ambulance. I had been so scared to lose my dad that day but he had made it out of it okay. It had taken some rehab time but he was “almost as good as new” as he liked to say after he was done with rehab.

Being scared today with Jordan shooting up had been different and because initially I had no one to support me in this until I had called my brother. I was glad I had confided in Chad and Amber and I didn’t feel completely alone anymore.
As Jordan held me close to him, I looked over at the wheelchair, and glanced at his still legs in his baggy jeans.

I looked back at Jordan and without any words I pushed him down onto the couch and he basically then lay with his head resting on the pillow. I pulled myself up onto him some more and I quickly felt excitement run through me with Jordan’s paralyzed body under me.
We looked at each other and I whisked Jordan’s hair from his forehead. His eyes were alert and scanning over my face.

I asked him softly, “Did you put your braces back on earlier?”
“Yeah, I thought I would be leaving.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment and we just looked at each other. Jordan’s eyes were deep and dark and they were focused on me. He ran his fingers through my hair.
The longing to kiss him was so strong; I wished he wouldn’t be sick with the infection.

I moved my face down next to his and whispered into his ear, “I wish so much we could kiss.”
I felt Jordan swallow next to me and then reply, “I wish the same thing but I don’t want to make you sick.”

As I lay halfway on him, I felt his hip bones press against mine and I couldn’t help move slightly on him again.

I hushed into his ear, “Jordan, you’re driving me crazy. Your body is…it’s so special to me.”
Jordan said softly, “It’s not a good body.”
With my tongue, I flicked his ear lobe, “It is to me.”

Jordan took a deep breath and when I glanced at him, I saw he had his eyes closed. I flicked his ear lobe again and let my tongue slither down to his neck.

I whispered, “Do you shoot up in your neck?”
Jordan moved his head from side to side, “No.”
I hushed, “Good.”

I now let my tongue flick over his neck and gently suckled on his skin. At the same time, I pushed myself to him again, my loins rubbing onto his bony hips. The friction this created excited me very much.
My hand ran through his hair and I felt Jordan’s body tense up in a way. His warmth radiated into me.  I kissed him on his neck as his breaths came quicker. I now pushed my hand under his T-Shirt and right away felt his ribs and his hollow belly.

“Let me take your T-Shirt off again.”

Jordan didn’t protest as I quickly assisted him in taking his T-Shirt off. He now lay there again with his bare upper body and I let my eyes travel over him as my fingers softly ran over his skin. Jordan’s eyes were on me and he let strands of my hair glide through his fingers.
I noticed again how skinny Jordan was and only his belly was slightly distended right over the waistband of his jeans.

My eyes scanned over his body, trying to make out the few faded tattoos on his shoulders over to his pectorals. His collar bones were prominently showing and a light thin layer of dark hair surrounded his nipples and covered his chest.
On his arms, I could clearly see the bruises and spots where the poison had entered his skin. I let my fingers run up his arms with my eyes following. Jordan lay still and let me touch him in this way.

Keeping my eyes on his arms I asked him softly, “Where is the spot you used a while ago?”

Jordan looked at his left arm and stretched it out with the inside of it turned up. With his right finger he pointed to the injection site and as I inspected closer, I recognized a dark thin trail right under his skin running from the spot he had used for his earlier hit.

Upon looking closer, I saw the numerous spots all along his arm, scars, bruises and some of his veins showing in dark blue streaks under the layer of skin. I felt my hand tremble at touching his arm and as I ran my fingers over it, Jordan gently took my wrist and moved my hand away from his arm.
I interrupted my visual fixation and met his eyes.

He shook his head and said softly, “I don’t want you to get sick. It’s not good to touch it.”

All the obvious signs of his addiction made me sad, but in a strange way I was also completely fascinated with Jordan’s body.
I swallowed and pressing my lips together, I nodded obediently. He smiled at me and ran his fingers over the side of my face.

“I love you Jordan.”
“I love you.”

I rested my head on his chest and felt his heart beat next to my ear. Jordan was softly running his hand over my hair and my hand rested in the hollow of his belly. I traced my fingers along the waist band of his jeans and as I pushed it down slightly, the elastic of his boxers was visible again. Jordan’s jeans were baggy on his skinny legs and not filled out very much. I kept running my fingers along the waistband and I could feel my arousal increase again thinking about Jordan’s body. He didn’t know that my fingers were there and his breathing was soft and steady.
I glanced up at him and his eyes were closed. He had felt my shift and now opened his eyes.

They were shiny and dark as he smiled at me, “I’m sorry, I’m tired I guess.”
He kept smiling and added, “Isn’t it something…first you get high and hyper, then you crash.”
I looked at him and was slightly worried, “But you’re feeling okay right now?”
He nodded, “Yes, I’m sorry Shay. I want to stay awake for you but it’s been a long day I guess.”
“You said you were out late last night.”
He nodded again, “I was, I didn’t really sleep.”
“Maybe we should go to sleep then?”
I shifted and sat up, Jordan stayed down on the couch and said softly, “I shouldn’t fall asleep on you. I should be awake and enjoy the time with you and be there for you.”
“It’s okay, I’m tired too.”

Even though I had been excited lying there with Jordan on the couch and I had felt a distant arousal come on once again, I didn’t want to take this any further. He did look tired; his eyes were shiny and his expression was exhausted.

I smiled at him, “Let’s just go to bed then.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, “Yes, it’s been a long day.”

Before I could scramble off Jordan, he pulled me back down and held me close as he kissed my hair.

 “I love you Shay.”
“I love you too.”

Soon we were both in the bedroom. I made my way into the bathroom and Jordan rolled in behind me.
He pushed over to the sink and started to pick up the items he had used earlier, “I’m sorry, I should have picked this stuff up a while ago.”
I stood there watching him, “Don’t worry about it. I guess you may need it again, won’t you?”

Jordan stopped in his clearing the counter and with his lips pressed together he looked over at me and nodded.

I asked carefully, “When will you need to…to do it again?”
Jordan lowered his eyes, “I’ll try to draw it out as long as I can, I don’t know.”
I moved over to him and said softly, “Just move it over to the side for now if you need it again.”

He nodded with his eyes down and pushed the items together and over to the side on the counter.

While I started to brush my teeth and wash my face, Jordan was digging around in his backpack. He eventually sat there with a tooth brush and tooth paste in his hand.

I smiled at him and we switched positions as I finished up and now Jordan wheeled up to the sink and brushed his teeth. It was slightly awkward for him because with the cabinet under the sink he couldn’t push his wheelchair all the way up and had to lean over barely making it over the sink as he brushed his teeth.

I was brushing through my hair as Jordan finished up. He left his tooth brush on the sink next to his supplies. I felt the pain in my foot and head now as I had slowed down and all I wanted was to lay down really. I still needed to pee and as Jordan was washing his hands I waited. He spun his wheelchair around and looked at me questioning.

I said softly, “I need to use the bathroom.”

He nodded and without a word he pushed his rims and rolled out of the bathroom. I closed the door behind him and used the toilet.
I assumed he still had to do the same thing. I flushed, washed my hands, put some lotion on my face and walked out. He was by the bed but still in his wheelchair.

He looked at me as I walked up and said softly, “I’ll just use the bathroom too before I lay down.”

I nodded and while Jordan was in the bathroom, I imagined how he was peeing through a catheter. I hoped that one day he would let me see it.  
While Jordan was in the bathroom, I had slipped into my lounge pants and tank top for sleeping. Jordan came out from the bathroom and I was already sitting in my bed. He sat in his wheelchair next to the bed, still had his jeans and shoes on.

He looked at me and laughed softly, “Now what?”
I tilted my head and smiled, “What do you mean?”
He grinned, “Am I supposed to sleep in this bed?”

I didn’t understand but his grinning implied humor on his end.

Jordan then added, still smiling, “I usually sleep on the floor.”
I now wasn’t sure if he was serious, “Jordan, you’re sleeping in this bed with me.”
He laughed softly, “Okay, it’s just slightly out of my comfort zone I guess.”
“Jordan…really? I know you’re joking.”
His laugh turned into a smile again, “Not all the way but yeah, I’ll try to sleep in the bed.”

He lowered his eyes, then looked up at me and grinned, “Can I leave my pants and my shoes on?”
I pretended surprise, “Jordan…stop it.”
He laughed softly again, then turned serious, “I was joking but in honesty, I haven’t slept in a real bed in a while. The closest I’ve come to a bed is a cot at the shelter.”

I listened and once again was reminded of Jordan’s actual life.

He added, “And I never take my clothes off.”

I was speechless for a moment but then watched as Jordan pulled his left leg up and with his foot resting on his knee, he untied his sneaker and pulled it off and dropped it next to his wheelchair on the floor. He did the same thing with his right foot and I watched.

He glanced up at me from under his dark bangs and smiled, “Is this good?”
I smiled now, “Just get up here and I’ll do the rest.”

He now raised his eye brows but smiled still.

I watched as he pushed his wheelchair closer to the bed, set the break and then positioned himself for the transfer. Leaning on the headboard I watched him and I felt my hands get sweaty.
Jordan made the transfer all right and eventually plopped onto the bed. He pushed himself up and leaned on the head board next to me.

I shifted and put my hands to his jeans waistband, “If you let me, I can help you take them off.”

He nodded and as he held himself upright with his hands by his sides, I put my hands to his button and zipper nervously and undid both.

Jordan watched me closely and as I had his jeans undone, I put my hands on his waistband and looked up at him, “Can you lift yourself a bit?”

Jordan lifted himself slightly off his butt and I was able to slide his jeans down and over his legs all the way down to his feet, where I also now had exposed his AFO braces again.
My heart beat fast as I slid the pants legs over his feet and then dropped the jeans over his wheelchair. Jordan sat there again in his Hanes boxers and only with his AFO braces over socked feet.

I looked up at him and he nodded, “You can take them off too.”

My hands were sweaty and visibly trembling as I unstrapped his braces and pulled them off his feet. Without the AFO braces his feet basically just hung there without any life.

I was about to pull off his socks but he stopped me, “Maybe leave those on. My feet get really cold. You can roll them down a bit so it doesn’t look too dumb.”

I pushed down his thick socks but left them on his feet. I had moved the blanket and sheet over before Jordan had come into the bed, and now I sat next to him and pulled the blanket over his skinny legs, making sure he was covered.

He had watched me the whole time and as I eventually sat next to him, he put his arm around me and pulled me closer, “Come here.”
I nestled myself close to him and he held me there and said softly, “Thanks for getting my jeans and braces off.”
“You’re welcome. I like doing that.”
He nodded over me, “I realize that.”

I didn’t see his face but I heard the smile in his voice when he said, “I guess if I had you take off my clothes every time I go to sleep, I would actually always take my clothes off – and I would probably sleep more.”

I looked up at him and we smiled at each other. He pushed my hair behind my ear and our eyes locked.

“I love you Jordan and you will sleep in a bed again often and I will always help you take your clothes off if you want me to.”
He smiled, “I love you Shay.”

He pulled me to him and I kissed his cheek and he kissed my forehead.

When I looked at him again, I asked, “So, is it true that you don’t take your clothes off out there?”
I didn’t say anything and Jordan added, “I have to be ready at any given moment to either take off real fast or defend myself or actually just take a nap in my wheelchair.”
“You said you have a tent you sleep in sometimes.”
He nodded, “Yeah, it’s a friend’s tent really but he lets me crash there sometimes. He’s a decent guy and I can trust him. He won’t take my shit or try to kill me while I sleep or anything. I’ve known him for a long time. I guess he’s somewhat of a friend to me out there.”
“What’s his name?”
“Charlie - cross eyes Charlie.”
I must have looked questioning and Jordan explained with a smile, “He’s literally cross eyed.”
“Is he also on drugs?”

Jordan only nodded now.

I asked, “Do you have a nick name too?”
Jordan smiled, “Not really but I do get called crippled ass sometime in like “get your crippled ass out of here” or “you’re on my turf, cripple”, stuff like that.”

I didn’t find it funny but apparently Jordan didn’t think much about this.

“Does your friend Charlie know you’re with me?”
“I mentioned it to him but better not too many details. I mean he’s a friend I guess but you just never know with the guys out there. Sometimes they’re high and do stupid shit without even knowing.”
“Have you done stupid things while high?”
Jordan shook his head, “I usually stay away from everyone when I do my hits.”

I crawled under the blanket now and Jordan did the same.

Jordan pushed his arms around me again and I looked at him, “Do you think you can sleep in the bed?”
“I think so.”
I ran my fingers over his cheek, “Tomorrow we’ll get you a phone.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.”
“Nothing to see, it’ll happen.”
Jordan took a breath, “If you say so.”
I kissed his cheek, “Good night Jordan. If anything is going on please let me know.”
“Okay, good night beautiful.”
Jordan let my hair run through his fingers, “I love you so much Shay.”
“I love you.”

He kissed my forehead and after I turned off the light, I snuggled close to him and soon thereafter Jordan was breathing steady and calm and I knew he had fallen asleep.

Everything was so different about our connection. A normal couple would have probably had sex and been all over each other, kissing, touching, but with Jordan everything was different. I lay there in the dark and thought about us and everything that had happened throughout the day. It had been overwhelming really but I felt so much love for him. I would never be able to be without Jordan in my life. My chest lifted as I took a deep breath, thinking about us and what had happened between us. Soon sleep overcame me as I lay in my boyfriend’s arms.

I must have been very tired because I didn’t hear and didn’t feel when Jordan apparently had gotten up in the middle of the night. Pain in my ankle awoke me and when I blinked with sleepy eyes at my phone on the bedside table, I saw it was nine o’clock in the morning. Jordan was not next to me and I shifted in bed and also didn’t see his wheelchair anywhere in the room. I glanced over to my bathroom and saw the door was open.

As I sat up, I also was harshly reminded of my head wound with a stinging pain and I only slowed moved then. My head hurt and my ankle hurt and apparently, I had slept ten hours. I very carefully got up, took the crutches and walked over to the bathroom. Jordan was not in there but I was relieved to find his backpack still on the floor and I also saw the drug paraphernalia still on the counter. I realized the items had been moved from where Jordan had pushed them over to the side the evening before. A distinct scent lingered in the bathroom still.

When I came out to the living room, I found Jordan on the couch sleeping. His wheelchair was parked next to the couch. He had draped a blanket over himself and lay there seemingly in a deep sleep as he didn’t budge when I bumped the coffee table with my crutch and caused some noise.

I carefully walked over to the couch and sat down on the coffee table, touching Jordan’s arm and saying his name softly. His dark eye lases were long and covering his beautiful closed eyes.

He seemed to be sleeping deeply because he didn’t move. I watched him for a moment trying to see if he was still breathing. I would from now on always worry about him in this way. I had to remind myself how long Jordan had been doing drugs and had survived so far.

For a moment I was worried about him, “Jordan, baby! Can you hear me?”

I was relieved when he moaned and shifted, then opened those beautiful dark eyes blinking at the light coming in through the window.

He focused on me quickly and seemed slightly surprised, saying sleepily, “Shay?”
He quickly pushed himself up on his elbows, “Where…why am I…”
He seemed confused for a moment and I smiled, “You slept on the couch I guess.”

Jordan looked down his legs. He was dressed in his jeans again, but still without a shirt.

“What time is it?”
“A little after nine.”

He looked at me and seemed to think about the situation.

I said with a smile still, “I guess you decided to sleep on the couch after you got up during the night.”
He still sounded tired, “I guess. I’m sorry.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “And you must have put your jeans back on. Do you remember when you got up?”

He now glanced at the top of his right hand and when I followed his eyes, I saw a fresh puncture with some dried blood around it.
Apparently embarrassed he met my eyes and quickly moved his hand from my view.

“I think it was around five.”
“How are you feeling?”

He didn’t answer right away and took a deep breath, looking nervously around the room.

I asked him, “Are you okay?”
His answer came weakly, “I think so.”
“Did you eat anything?”

He shook his head.

“Maybe we should eat some breakfast.”

He swallowed and at moving, he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and his face had a painful expression.

“Jordan, what is it? Are you in pain?”

He took a deep breath and I saw him loosen his shoulders, still with a painful facial expression.

He looked at me with a weak smile, “Just my neck and shoulders.”
“What about them?”
“They hurt all the time really but especially when I lay too long.”
“Well, the couch is probably not the best place either.”
“Probably not.”
I touched his arm, “Let me massage you.”
Jordan’s smile seemed frail, “You don’t have to.”
“I want to. Sit up!”

I now watched as Jordan pushed his legs off the couch with his hands and his feet just plopped to the floor. He adjusted his position and the whole time I could see he was in pain. He finally sat on the couch and held his hands by his hips holding himself up. I now scrambled behind him on the couch with my legs on either side of him and I had his back right there in front of me.

I now also realized that he was shaking again, his arms were trembling, and his legs were twitching. He hung his head and I let my eyes travel over his back. At closer inspection I again saw the scars on his back, right along his spine and somewhat in the center the scars were deep and of a soft pink, smoother than the skin around.

Jordan had a natural tan really, it matched with his dark hair and dark eyes and I wondered what his parents had looked like and what his ethnic background actually was. Softly I touched my finger to the most prominent scar of them all and it was right on his spine. He didn’t say anything or move really and I let my fingers softly run over his skin and I felt my heart beat faster.

I scanned his back with my eyes and I saw his ribs and his shoulder blades protrude. Down by his hips the elastic waistband of his boxers still peeked out from his jeans. Compared to the rest of his body, his back didn’t have any puncture scars or wounds from injections. His back was clear except for the very visible injury and surgery scars right by his spine and at looking and touching them I could feel my fingers vibrate from the excitement.

I softly let my hands run over his shoulders and applied soft pressure and he let out a low moan, his head was still hanging. I gently kissed his shoulder as I ran my hand over it and he took a deep breath. Applying slight pressure, I massaged his shoudleers and neck.

“God, this feels so good Shay”
I ran my finger from the vertebra in his neck downward and while I did this, I said softly behind him, “Tell me when you can’t feel this anymore.”

My finger traced from one vertebra to the next one and my heart was beating quicker as I got closer to where his injury had been, where a bullet had penetrated his skin and spine and had completely damaged the spinal cord rendering him paralyzed for the rest of his life.

Just as expected as soon as I touched the area he said softly with a deep breath, “Now.”

I stopped for a moment and pressed my lips together and stared at my fingers on the spot for a moment. I felt my vision get blurry at looking and thinking about everything, sitting still behind him and not moving my hands anymore.

Jordan shifted and asked softly, “You still back there?”
When I didn’t answer right away Jordan looked up and to the side, “You okay?”
I sat up straighter, pulled myself together, and answered, “Yeah, I’m good.”

With that I softly let my lips come down to his scar and kissed it. My heart was racing in my chest. Jordan hadn’t really felt my kiss but he did realize that I was doing something back there.

He looked to the side but didn’t say anything and I asked him softly, “Did they get the bullet out?”
“Yeah. It was lodged in there and they worked on me for a few hours.”

I started rubbing my hands over his upper back and shoulders again, in between massaging his neck.

“It feels so good Shay.”

I couldn’t stop looking at the scar tissue around his spine at the T-6 vertebra and a few times I let my hands run below his injury site and thought about how he couldn’t feel any of it.
I did this for at least twenty minutes. Jordan stayed quiet but I could feel the trembling in his body. His head hung and his hair covered his face. His arms by his sides were shaking some.

I thought about how it had been about four hours since he had shot up at five. I didn’t know how long a hit lasted for him but I could definitely feel his body was charged with nervous vibrations again. I wondered how this hadn’t been very long for him to already be feeling like this again.  

I kept rubbing my hands over his back and eventually I stopped and rested my head on his upper back wrapping my arms around him. He just sat there and I felt his body trembling on my face.

Jordan touched my hand in front of him, “Thank you, this felt very good.”

I stayed there with my head on him and just held on to him. Jordan didn’t move, I could hear his heart beat vibrate on my face and felt heat radiate from him. I smelled his skin and body, the scent of having slept and the warmth of having been covered under the blanket.

After a moment Jordan asked softly, “Are you sleeping back there?”
I shifted and kissed his shoulder, “No, I’m wide awake.”
He turned his head to the side again and I moved my face next to his, “I love you so much Jordan.”
He smiled, “I love you too.”
I then scrambled around Jordan, “Let’s eat breakfast.”


  1. So glad that you are back - it wss such a pleasant surprise! Love reading about Shay and Jordan's interactions, grest that you are keeping them together!
    Thanks for writing and sharing and have a wonderful new year!

  2. Happy new year, Dani! I'm glad you are recovering well and I hope you get all your wishes for the new year!