Sunday, April 7, 2019

What It Was - Chapter 24

Chapter 24

It was during the early morning hours when I felt some movement next to me and in the dim light falling through the mini blinds, I saw Jordan sitting on the edge of the bed. I watched how he pulled his wheelchair closer and transferred into it. He quietly wheeled into the bathroom and closed the door behind himself. I turned and looked at the clock on my night table, it was almost six in the morning.

I heard some rustling in the bathroom; I heard Jordan pee but after he had flushed the toilet he didn’t come out. He was in there for about forty minutes. When he didn’t come out of the bathroom, I knew he was doing something else and even though I didn’t want to worry about it I couldn’t fall back asleep. I listened trying to make out the noises and hoping he was all right in there.

My eyes had adjusted to the minimal light in the bedroom. The bathroom door opened and Jordan’s silhouette appeared. Instead of coming to the bed though he was about to wheel out of the bedroom.

I sat up and said softly, “Jordan?”

He stopped and looked over toward me. I couldn’t see his face or his expression.

I asked, “Are you all right?”
His voice was weak, “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Where are you going?”
He didn’t answer right away and I said, “Jordan, you can come back to bed again.”
He explained with a trembling voice, “I was going…I was going to sleep on the couch. I didn’t mean to…to wake you.”
I demanded softly, “Come back to bed, it’s fine.”
He was hesitant and I repeated, “Please Jordan, come back into bed next to me.”

He sat hunched over and only slowly pushed his rims now and rolled back over to the bed. He didn’t say anything as he angled his Quickie and set the break. He was moving slow; his back was curved; his hair was hanging into his face. I only saw his dark silhouette as he transferred with apparent difficulties over into the bed. His breaths came shallow and quickly and without saying anything he clumsily adjusted his legs and himself in bed. He didn’t cover himself but just lay there on his back and I saw the outline of his chest move up and down quickly. I felt his body tremble next to me.

I asked softly, “What’s going on?”

He turned his head toward me but I couldn’t really see his eyes, just the outline of his facial features. He didn’t say anything.

“Jordan, are you okay?”
He nodded in the dark, “Yeah.”

Without asking him, I switched on the lamp on my bedside table. I wanted to make sure he was really okay. His eyes were shiny and darting around nervously.

I moved next to him, “Jordan, are you okay?”
He mumbled, “Yes…I just need…to sleep.”
“Okay, you should sleep again then.”

I realized his hands were shaking next to his body.

I ran my fingers over his cheek and looked at him, “Did you just…just shoot up?”

He only nodded and could barely hold his eyes open. I noticed his pupils were small.
When I spoke again, he was startled and his eyes shot open again, and he tried to focus on me.

I nodded, “Just sleep again then.”
He repeated, “Yeah, I just need to sleep. I was hurting.”

It was obvious that Jordan was high. I noticed that something was wrapped around his right arm. I sat up and without saying anything I inspected his arm closer. He had toilet paper wrapped around the crease of his arm and I saw some blood had spotted the toilet paper.

I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to fetch some first aid supplies. Inside the bathroom I caught the scent of what Jordan had done and I saw the items on the sink counter, the used orange capped syringe still right there with everything else scattered around including a spoon and the lighter.

When I got back to the bed, Jordan didn’t move; his eyes were closed. I gently unwrapped the toilet paper from his arm and right away saw the fresh injection site. Where he had shot up a small amount of dried blood was around it and with an alcohol swab, I cleaned the spot and applied a medium size band aid over the fresh wound. I saw the dark trail running from the injection site through his vein and disappearing into the deeper veins and most likely making its way through his body as he lay there motionless and still. I looked at his arm for a moment and it made me sad.

I took the toilet paper to the garbage in the bathroom and glanced at the things on the counter again. It scared me in a way to see the items and tears came up in my eyes. There was nothing I could do. I crawled back into bed next to Jordan. As I draped the blanket over him; he didn’t budge.

I softly ran my hand over the side of his face and whispered, “I love you.”

No reply came from him.
I kissed his cheek and then turned off the light. Jordan’s body twitched slightly a few times as I lay next to him making sure he was breathing. Even though I tried, I couldn’t sleep anymore. I was listening to Jordan breathe, I noticed the small twitches that raced through him every couple of minutes, and I looked at him in the dimness of the room. With it becoming daylight slowly, I just watched him sleep.

I worried about him with the poison in his body but I tried to remind myself how long and how often Jordan had done this and he was still alive. It was bad but I had to trust that Jordan knew what he was doing within the torment he had put on himself for so long. I lay there until almost eight o’clock watching my boyfriend stay alive under the circumstances and hoping his body could come out of it okay once again. Since I couldn’t fall asleep anymore, I decided to get up.

Jordan was still in a deep sleep and didn’t move. His body was in a complete stillness and I knew he was without pain at the moment. His body had once again been temporary supplied with what it craved to keep the physical and psychological pain at bay. I saw his chest rise and fall and I watched him as he lay there sleeping. I bit my lips as I thought about everything. It was still so strange that he was there in my bed. And I glanced at the wheelchair and I nodded to myself because it was the right thing and it was where Jordan was supposed to be, with me and next to me.

I made sure he was covered and still breathing. My eyes travelled over his face once more before I went out to the kitchen and set on some coffee. I tried to not think too much about what had happened. Before Jordan had gotten up, I had apparently been sleeping deep enough that I didn’t even realize when he had most likely once again been battling his body next to me. It was probably better that way; I knew I had to find a distance to this situation and Jordan’s addiction and not let it get to me.

With a mug of coffee next to me on the dining table, I turned on my computer and looked through my social media and email.

Everything seemed so normal as I was sitting there looking at everyone’s Instagram and Facebook entries and smiling into their cell phone cameras. The world was still turning even with Jordan, who had changed my life so much over a short period of time. I scrolled over photos of friends on vacation, friends having fun over the past weekend, friends working out, or showing pictures of their pets or posting words of wisdom or funny memes.

Even though I was tempted to keep checking on Jordan, I didn’t. I left him alone in the bedroom. I didn’t want to keep worrying about him and what was happening when his body craved the drugs. I didn’t want it to bring me down. It was out of my control because it didn’t matter what I thought or how I felt about it, Jordan would keep doing what he was doing until he was ready to maybe get clean. Until then I would stick by him and love him, that was all I could do.

I cleared the search engine on my computer and typed “Addiction to Heroin”. Numerous links came up and I clicked on the first one that seemed to give a comprehensive break down of an addiction to Heroin. I read through the paragraphs and I felt a deep sadness. A little window popped up to invite me to “chat with a professional”. I ignored this.  

On the bottom of one of the articles there was a link to “Overcoming Drug Addiction”. From there I was led into the depths of the Internet with extensive sources of information and I read and read and I thought of Jordan and tears were slowly running over my cheek.

I realized that even if Jordan would want to come clean it would not be easy; it would be hard and painful and I didn’t know if I would even be strong enough to help him through it. I thought of Chad and Amber and I knew I had allies in this, but I was still scared. I read over lots of information and drank my coffee.

I texted with my friend Nicky for a while, she was also at home and sick with a cold apparently. None of my friends knew about Jordan yet. I knew eventually I couldn’t keep Jordan hidden away anymore. I had no idea how this was going to be. I had hidden myself away with the excuse of being “very sick” and “probably dealing with the flu” but I couldn’t keep up this charade for much longer. My friends would want to see me or meet up, my mom and dad would expect me to come over or if I wouldn’t go to their house, they would definitely come to my place any day now.

I texted Chad and told him that Jordan had come back, but I didn’t write to him about my excursion to the camp or the encounter with Matt:

J            Jordan showed up last night with the Oxycodone and gave them back to me. He apologized and felt very bad. He’s still here; he stayed the night.

Chad was already at work but replied:

-        He did, wow. How is he?

-        He seems all right. He did shoot up this morning and is sleeping now.

-        Okay, are you all right?

-        Yes, I’m actually glad he’s here again. I was worried about him and I did forgive him about it.

-        So, I have some appointments this morning with some kiddos. I’ll text you later. Let me know if anything is up, okay?

-        I will, have a good day. Luv u

-        Luv u too.

I finished up with Chad for now and made my way into the kitchen to get some more coffee and something to eat.

Soon after, I sat at the table again with my breakfast and started reading through some work material. I couldn’t fully focus on it though, my mind kept drifting off to Jordan.

I kept reading and stopping on and off and eventually heard some noises in the master bathroom and eventually I heard the soft squeaking of Jordan’s Quickie and when I looked up, he came rolling down the hallway and hesitantly into the dining area. Seeing him roll up in his Quickie still gave me this deeply ingrained feeling of admiration toward the way he was, paralyzed in a wheelchair.

He glanced up at me shyly, “Hey!”
I sat up and turned to face him, “Good Morning!”

It was now almost noon and Jordan came rolling closer. His face was serious and he seemed insecure.

“I’m sorry I slept too long.”
I smiled at him, “It’s all right, no problem. How are you feeling?”
He glanced at his arm crease with the band aid and then back at me, “I’m good. I saw…”
He stopped and took a deep breath before he continued, “Thanks for the band aid I guess.”
I nodded, “You’re welcome, I didn’t think the toilet paper was going to hold very good.”
He lowered his eyes and laughed nervously, then looked back up at me, “You’re probably right.”

We looked at each other and I then got up and leaned down and gave him a kiss.

He seemed still nervous about it and asked with a trembling voice, “When did you get up?”
“I couldn’t fall asleep anymore this morning after you had been up. I lay there for like an hour and then decided to get up since I just couldn’t fall sleep anymore.”
He nodded and asked, “What time did I get up?”
“It was around six.”

Jordan lowered his eyes again and nodded more to himself.

I sat back down on the chair and asked hesitantly, “You did…did you have problems this morning?”
He took a deep breath and nodded, “I was trying to draw it out but I couldn’t…my back hurt so much and I had…my head was hurting. I was just…I probably only slept only like two hours after we turned the light off. I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to get up but I couldn’t wait…”
I assured him, “Don’t worry about it. It’s all right. I’m glad you’re feeling better right now.”
He nodded quickly, “I am, I’m good right now…I should be…”
I realized he tried to apologize still and I interrupted, “Jordan?”

He stopped talking and looked at me, biting his lips and nodding. His eyes were flickering nervously.

“It’s all right Jordan. Don’t worry about it. Don’t apologize. I’m happy you’re up and awake.”

He nodded again and forced a smile. He put his hands to his rims and rolled all the way up to me, then opened his hands for me. I lay my hands into his, he wrapped them around mine. They were actually warm. We looked at each other.

He said softly, “Thank you Shay.”
I nodded and smiled at him, “I love you.”
His face had a sad expression to it, “I love you too.”

I leaned over to Jordan again and we kissed a small kiss on our lips.

I asked, “Are you hungry?”
“Maybe a little.”
I got up, “Okay, coffee?”
Jordan nodded, “Coffee sounds very good.”

I made my way into the kitchen to make some coffee. Jordan stayed by the dining room table and when I looked from the kitchen over to him, I saw he was looking at the computer. I realized I had left the window open about “Overcoming Drug Addiction”.

I hurried around to him and Jordan was startled and looked at me. He had apparently been focused looking at the information.

I nervously was about to click off from the screen, “Sorry, I was reading some stuff earlier.”
My hand was on the mouse as I was about to close the window and Jordan held my hand, “Leave it. I want to read it.”
Our eyes met and Jordan nodded and repeated softly, “It’s okay, I want to read it.”

He let go off my wrist and I moved my hand away from the mouse.

I explained softly, “I don’t know much about any of it, Jordan. That’s why I was reading some stuff.” 
He nodded at me again and now took my hand gently in his and brought it up to his mouth and kissed the back of it, then said, “I know, Shay. It’s fine. I would like to read about it too.”

I nodded nervously but he let my hand go and while I went back to the kitchen, Jordan moved closer to the table and the computer and I saw he was reading again and clicking around on the screen.

I got his coffee mug and said from the kitchen, “I can make you some eggs and sausages if you want to eat.”
Jordan looked up, “Cereal is fine. I’m not very hungry.”

I had expected this reply and nodded. I brought the milk out of the refrigerator and also two cereal boxes from the cabinet. I set everything including the coffee mug on the breakfast bar.
Jordan looked up and grabbed one item after the next from the counter. When I joined him at the table, he was just pouring milk over his cereal. The screen was still on the “Overcoming Drug Addiction”. I sat down on the chair next to him and Jordan met my eyes.

I looked to the screen again but I didn’t say anything.
Jordan drank from the coffee and then looked back at the screen.

I asked hesitantly, “You said you were clean before?”
He nodded next to me, “Yeah, I had some clean periods in my life but when I came out of the hospital, I was in a lot of pain and basically had no place. I slept in my chair, on the ground or wherever and was constantly in pain. Lots of headaches and back pains, then my shoulders and so from the pain meds it quickly escalated again.”

I glanced over at Jordan and saw how his hands were shaking as he brought the spoon with cereal to his mouth.

I looked back at the screen and after he finished his bite he said, “I do want to get clean again eventually.”

He looked at me and I nodded.

Jordan added, “I want to get clean; I want to try to find work or go back to school or something. I want to be…to have a place to live and have a normal life.”
He paused and took a deep breath, then continued, “I want to have a normal life with you.”
I touched his arm and stated, “You already have a place to live, here with me.”
Jordan bit his lip and replied, “This is your place.”
“And you can stay here or come here any time.”

He took another deep breath and spun his wheelchair facing me, “Shay, it’s difficult for me to just accept that fact.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Well, just accept it, don’t think about it. This is now also your place. I love you and I want you to be here where you are safe and warm.”
Jordan swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, “Thank you Shay.”
He took my hands again, “I love you.”

I leaned over and we kissed.

We spent the rest of the morning and day together on the couch, watching TV and talking, cuddling and kissing. I was glad Jordan was feeling somewhat okay, but I didn’t miss the moments when he seemed absent and when his face was sad.

As we lay there on the couch, I pulled my phone out and opened the camera option, “Let’s take some pictures.”
Jordan took a deep breath, “I don’t know. I’m not a photo kind of guy.”
I looked at him, “To me you are. Please Jordan, let me have some photos of us so I can look at them when you’re not here.”
He lowered his eyes, then looked back up at me, “If you have to.”
I smiled, “I can take some and then send them to your phone, where is your phone anyways?”
Jordan looked around, “I think it’s still in the bedroom.”
I held the phone out in front of us and we put our heads together, “Okay, now smile for me.”

Jordan didn’t smile, but kept a serious expression. I took a few more selfies with us and did eventually get him to smile and even laugh as I found a tickle spot under his arm.

When I looked at the pictures after our little session. I felt so much for him. He didn’t like being in photos and in every one of them he had this shy expression on him, like he shouldn’t be on a picture.

I pulled up one of the photos, my favorite where he smiled and I clicked on the “edit” button and started playing with the picture. I drew a large red heart around our heads and with a shaky finger slowly moving over the screen using the marker option I wrote “I love you”, then saved the photo and showed it to Jordan.

He smiled, “How did you do that?”

I explained to him the “editing” features for photos and realized that Jordan didn’t know much about cell phones as he had never owned one before in his life.

“I will send it to your phone so you will also have it. I’ll have to show you all these things you can do with your phone.”
He smiled, “Thanks.”

I nestled myself to Jordan. He seemed like he was doing okay and we talked about life out on the streets and things he had seen and done. He seemed happy and content. I didn’t miss the trembling in his hands though or when he zoned out a few times and seemed unfocused. It was a harsh reminder that Jordan was not all the way okay and that he was dealing with things. I sensed that he was trying very hard to be strong and not let me see his physical and psychological struggles too much.

My keen senses though knew he was struggling and inside I wanted nothing more than for us to be happy and maybe one day, hopefully sooner than later, Jordan could become well and could overcome the addiction that ruled his life. I knew I was a bystander and I knew I couldn’t convince him to start a detox soon. It would have to come from him and it would have to be on his terms. I could encourage him and I could shower him with my love, letting him see that he was worthy to have a better, healthier life again with me. There was not much else I could do.

And being with him and the way he was made me na├»ve in believing we would have a future. He was the first guy I was with who was in a wheelchair and that part and the part about Jordan’s paraplegia overpowered everything else he came with.

Jordan with his disability fed all the hunger I had felt for so long; he fulfilled my extremely strong needs to be with a man in a wheelchair; he challenged my senses with his being and the way he was. My eyes couldn’t get enough of seeing him in this way, my body craved being close to him in this way and my hands wanted to always touch him where he could feel them on his battered body and especially where he couldn’t feel them. I wanted to see him, I wanted to taste him, and I wanted to touch him. His wheelchair being that very thing he was attached to stood by, always reminding of what I had found in Jordan. I did love him and it had happened so very quick, coming over me with such force I couldn’t resist. 
He was the man I wanted to be with and have in my life for a very long time, never once thinking that it could be cut short.

As I scrolled through my phone again lying there in Jordan’s arms I realized when I looked at him that he had fallen asleep. He was breathing softly and I looked at him for a few moments, his body had found some rest and I wasn’t going to interrupt that. I let him sleep and carefully wriggled my way out of his arms.

He shifted as I moved and he opened his eyes for a moment and I said softly, “It’s all right Jordan. Keep sleeping.”

He closed his eyes again and I kissed him gently on the cheek. I draped the blanket over him, making sure it was over his feet. Jordan hadn’t put on his AFO’s earlier, he was still wearing the thick socks from the night before but when I gently touched his foot, I realized that it felt cold. I tugged the blanket some more around his feet hoping it would keep them warm. I saw as his body twitch involuntary sometimes.

I folded the few pieces of clothing I had washed for Jordan. He really didn’t have much at all. Two pairs of washed out jeans, some stains hadn’t even come out in the laundry, about five worn out, faded T-Shirts, a few pairs of underwear and a few pairs of thick socks and his two hoodies. I had no idea how Jordan was going to make it through winter with these clothing items. I made a mental note that I needed to make sure he would have some warmer clothes or a warm coat at least.

I sat in the living room, the TV was on low and a text was coming in from Chad:

-        Shay, everything okay? I could come over in a bit. I’m almost done at work.

-        Everything is good. Jordan is still here, sleeping right now. Our day was quiet.

-        How is your foot and head?

-        Actually good, my head doesn’t hurt really. It’s still painful to step down with my foot though.

-        I should come over maybe and make sure you’re okay.

-        I’m good.

-        Jordan?

-        What about him?

-        Has he been feeling all right?

-        Yeah, he hasn’t shot up since this morning.

I looked at my phone clock and saw it was almost eight. It had been over twelve hours since Jordan had shot up.

Chad replied:

-        That’s good. He may need to do it when he wakes up.

-        Yeah, I guess I will see. You don’t have to come over Chad. I think we’re okay.

-        Okay, well. You can text me if anything comes up. Anytime.

I finished with my brother and right then Jordan was moving on the couch.
He blinked into the room and looked around seemingly confused.

I shifted on the armchair, “Jordan, hey.”

His eyes darted over to me.

I asked softly, “Are you all right?”
He mumbled, “Where’s my chair? My wheelchair?”

Right as I was about to answer, his eyes had found his Quickie and lethargically he pushed himself up to a sitting position.

I watched as he pulled his wheelchair closer to the couch. Without pushing his legs off the couch first he just moved his whole body and very uncoordinated he transferred into his Quickie. I sat there and was expecting him to say something but he only sat in his wheelchair for a moment with his head down and I realized his body was trembling from his head to his toes.

“Jordan, are you all right?”
His eyes looked tired when he looked up at me and after a moment he replied, “I’m good.”

In the wheelchair he pushed himself more upright and at the same time he roughly placed and adjusted his feet on the foot rest.

He mumbled, “Where are my clothes?”

I had left all his clothes folded on the bed in the bedroom and told him. I was confused at his behavior and he wheeled by me without a word or anything.

I looked after him and swallowed the lump that had come up in my throat. I slowly got up and with my knee on the scooter I made my way through the hallway and when I got to the bedroom, Jordan was in the bathroom with the door closed.

I heard some noises inside and I also realized that his one pair of jeans, some boxers, socks and his AFO braces were gone from where everything had been on the bed.

I sat on the bed and waited, assuming that he was shooting up again. All the sudden he came out of the bathroom, dressed only in his jeans and sneakers and he looked at me seriously but like he was somehow not focused.

He sat there in the frame of the bathroom door and now asked, “What did you do with my dope?”
I was completely caught by surprise with the question and shifted nervously on the bed, “What do you mean?”
His tone was tense, “My dope – what the fuck did you do with it?”
I stared at him, intimidated by his tone and swallowed again, “I didn’t touch your stuff. It’s probably in your back pack.”
His voice was cold, “It’s not in there. What did you do with it?”
My heart beat faster and I tried to keep my hands from shaking, “I didn’t…I didn’t do anything with…”
I stopped and my voice trembled when I continued, “I’m sorry Jordan. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He now pushed his rims and came closer and I couldn’t help that I was slightly scared.

He stopped in a safe distance though and asked, “Did you throw my stuff away?”
Tears were forming in my eyes, “No, I didn’t throw anything away. I didn’t touch your things Jordan.”

I saw his body was trembling, his hands were shaking, and his breathing came quick.
He put his hands to his rims and quickly turned around and wheeled back into the bathroom. I heard shuffling and noises and I got up.
I made my way over to the bathroom and saw how Jordan was tensely stuffing his things into his back pack.

I started nervously, “Jordan, you told me last night that you brought like…like three or four…hits.”
His head shot around and he looked at me, his eyes were dark and nervously trying to fix on me, “So, where are they? What did you do with it?”
I felt my chin shiver and my eyes well up with tears as I answered with a trembling voice, “I didn’t do anything. I can check your back pack if you let me.”

He didn’t reply but instead zipped up the back pack and pulled it up onto his lap.

He pushed by me and just as he was about to roll out of the bedroom I asked cautiously, “Jordan, what are you doing?”
He was breathing quickly and I stated, “Your clothes - your clothes are on the bed.”

His eyes darted toward the bed and aggressively he wheeled over to the bed and just as tense, he stuffed the things into this back pack, slipped into a T-Shirt and hoodie, put his baseball cap on his head and his hoodie over his head. He then pushed his rims again and wheeled out to the living room.

I followed him quickly, “Jordan, what’s going on? Please…let’s check your back pack again. I didn’t take anything…”

He stopped for a moment and just sat there. I saw his body fall and rise as he was taking gasping breaths, letting his head hang but not speaking. His body was trembling and I could clearly see he was having some kind of episode.

He looked up at me and his face was flushed with sweat, “I’ve to go.”
I now started crying, “Jordan, please listen to me. Don’t go…you said you had…”
I could barely talk anymore, my voice was trembling and breaking as I tried to keep it together and continued, “You said you had a few hits with you…please let’s check your back pack.”
He said angrily, “There’s nothing there.”

I was holding the handle of the knee scooter and watched as Jordan sat up and put his hands to the push rims again and wheeled by me toward the foyer.

I cried now, “Jordan, please talk to me…”
I could barely hold it together, “Please…I beg you. Don’t go like this.”

He didn’t say anything and was in the foyer, then turned around and looked at me with dark, nervous eyes.

He looked tired and exhausted, he wasn’t well, his hands were shaking in his lap when he said cold and tense, “It’s not on your terms…it’s on mine…”
He was taking quick breaths, I realized he had a difficult time talking when he continued, “You take my…my shit from me…I’m not staying here.”
I was speechless really, but managed under tears, “Jordan, I didn’t take anything from you. I swear.”
Tears were streaming from my eyes as I said, “Please don’t do this…I love you.”

He stared at me.

My heart was beating so fast, it hurt as I looked at him and tried again, “Jordan…let’s look in your…” I couldn’t really talk anymore, I was crying too much now, “Your back pack again. Please.”
I was stunned when he violently shoved the heavy back pack off his lap onto the floor and said angrily, “There…look again…”

I took this as my chance and quickly went over to the back pack and got on the floor to look through it.

I didn’t care that my foot hurt while I was squatting on the floor. With trembling hands, tears streaming from my eyes, I unzipped all the pockets of his back pack and started to dig through every pocket and every spot in a desperate attempt to find what he needed. I pulled out his clothes again, and in the process also other things he had in his back pack, packages of catheters, medication bottles and toiletries, a flash light, some gloves, a roll of toilet paper and even some incontinence briefs. I had everything on the floor and even his drug use items but there were no small plastic baggies or any kind of container with possible Heroin in it.

When I looked up, Jordan was staring at me with dark, hostile eyes, he didn’t say anything, he seemed not even present.

I crawled to him and put my hands on his knees, trying to get him to look at me, “Jordan, I didn’t take anything. Maybe you didn’t bring any after all. Please, you have to believe me…”

He didn’t respond but instead he pushed by me, my hands slipped off his knees, and he wheeled over to his back pack. I was stunned when he roughly propelled himself out of his wheelchair and landed on the floor with a hard thump, his legs twisted and now also trembling.

He started stuffing everything back in the back pack and when I neared him to help, he hissed at me, “Leave me alone. I got it.”
I watched him and attempted again, “Please Jordan, let’s talk about this…what’s going on with you?”
I was completely stunned now when he yelled at me, repeating my question, “What’s going on with me?”

He sat there on the ground next to his back pack, his legs were twitching and he was obviously sweating and judging by his quick breaths he was anxious and tense. His pupils were small and his eyes were nervous.

He yelled at me, “I need some fucking dope, that’s what’s going on with me but apparently you took the shit I had brought and probably flushed it down the fucking toilet. This won’t work…you taking my shit is not going to work for me.”

I didn’t know what to say and how to respond and all I could then bring over my lips under tears was, “Jordan, do you know who I am? Do you know who you’re talking to?”

He stopped in his stuffing things into the back pack and stared at me, but he didn’t answer.

I took a deep breath and repeated, “Who am I, Jordan?”

He ignored my question and finished with his back pack and zipped it up.
I cried and watched him. He roughly pulled his wheelchair closer and set the break. He was breathing fast and his body was shaking.

He mumbled and hissed through his lips, “Fucking shit…”

He dragged himself over to the wheelchair and with his hands and arms on the seat, he tried to pull himself up. His legs hung there and his jeans were barely staying on his hips. He was gasping and struggling.

I watched his attempt to get up into his wheelchair. He tried to pull himself up again and didn’t make it. He hung there with his upper body somewhat on the seat of the wheelchair, but the lower half just hanging there and his head hung and he was breathing, seemingly trying to gather his strength to pull himself up.

I sat there on the floor, crying, and watching him, barely bringing words over my lips, “Jordan…I love you…please don’t go. I’m your girlfriend. If you need some stuff, I will take you…”

He stopped for a moment but didn’t look at me. Instead he just hung there halfway on his wheelchair. I saw his body fall and rise with the quick breaths he took.

He growled and moaned and mumbled, “Motherfucking shit…”

I slowly neared him and when I wanted to touch him, his head shot around and he looked at me, “Don’t fucking touch me.”

As he attempted again to get up into the wheelchair he was unsuccesful and I was startled and moved back a bit when he pushed his wheelchair away from himself, angry and frustrated and cursing, "God damned shit...fuck."

I backed off, tears streaming over my face and I watched as he attempted three more times to pull himself up into his wheelchair before he finally made it, his jeans almost coming off. He managed to scramble up onto the seat and then pulled his back pack up on to his lap. I could see his body riddled with tremors. His feet kept hopping up and down on the foot rest and he aggressively positioned them again, before he put his hands to his rims and wheeled to the door. I was worried he was possibly going into a seizure.

I stood there and tried again, “Jordan, please don’t go…I love you…please…it’s me, Shay.”

He stopped at the door and his head hung.

I said under tears, “Jordan, I love you so much.”

I was devastated at this situation and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so alone and so helpless.
Jordan then looked up at me and his eyes stayed on me for a few moments. He didn’t look away and it was like he was trying to figure out what was going on and possibly who I was. He seemed confused.

All the sudden a tear ran out of his eye and then another out of the other eye. His pupils were small. He swallowed and I sensed he was trying to say something.

He then said, “Shay?”
I nodded, tears dripping from my face, “Yes?”
I saw a few more tears run from his eyes and he said with a shaky voice, “I do love you. I’m so sorry…but I need to go. I never meant to hurt you."

I nodded but I could barely hold it together as I watched him open the door, put his hands on the rims of his wheelchair and wheeling out of my apartment once again.

I stood in the door frame and watched as Jordan quickly rolled down the hallway. I said his name one more time but he didn’t seem to hear me. Tears were coming out of my eyes like two waterfalls. My heart beat so fast and hurt at the same time. I was completely stunned at what had happened and how Jordan had been. My mind was racing at what was going on and why he had reacted in this way. My mind was racing thinking about the Heroin he had supposedly brought and I doubted he had actually had more hits with him.

I felt a deep sadness and an enormous fear overcame me at watching Jordan disappear in the elevator.  
I couldn’t understand what had happened and what had overcome him. As I closed the door behind me and put the chain in, I broke down and slid down onto the ground leaning on the door. I cried for what seemed like an eternity. The pain was almost unbearable at what had happened. The only thing that gave me only the slightest of hope was that he had apparently recognized me and had told me that he loved me.

I finally made my way into the living room where my phone was on the table.

I took it in my hands and tapped on Jordan’s number and put the phone on my ear. I heard the phone ring close by and I looked around the living room and kitchen. I realized the sound came from my bedroom. I quickly made it into the bedroom and there I found Jordan’s phone on the bedside table ringing and then the voice mail came on, “Leave a message for “Jordan”.”

He had said his own name in the recording and I broke down on my bed and cried.
I pulled my phone up again and tapped on my brother’s number.

“Shay, hey, what’s up?”
I cried still, “Chad, can you come over? Jordan left; I don’t know why.”
"What?” Chad sounded very concerned.
My voice was almost choked out by the tears I was crying, “Jordan is gone. Please come over, I can’t be by myself right now.”
Chad assured me, “I’m on my way, I’ll be there shortly.”


  1. Oh, what an emotional rollercoaster... Yeah, their relationship has so many hurdles...
    Thank you for writing and sharing!

  2. Another great chapter.