Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Not Gay - Chapter 12

“You are being ridiculous.”

“Darren?!” The question is obsolete, the large man in the wheelchair blocking the hallway leading to Jay’s apartment is undeniably Darren. He’s hunched over a little, hands tucked away into the sleeves of his jacket to keep warm, but his head lifts the moment Jay exits the elevator.

“What… How…?” Jay doesn’t really need to hear the answer, he knows how Darren managed to get through the main door of the building – it’s barely ever really closed – and if Jay is being honest he knows very much why Darren came. With the weight of guilt in his stomach, Jay stops in some distance to the closed door to his apartment and Darren parked in front of it, and fiddles with the strap of his bag. “Darren… I’m…” Jay inhales and lets the air rush out again, unused. He scratches the back of his neck. “How… Uh… How long did you wait here?” Finally this is a question Jay doesn’t know the answer to, though judging from Darren’s gloomy features and the rigidity in his limbs, it must have been a while. Jay had been working, like regularly, and then joined a couple of his co-workers for drinks afterward. It wasn’t planned, but it took his thoughts off Darren for a while. He truly needed that.

Darren huffs, his teeth audibly clattering as he hisses: “Does it matter? Let’s get the fuck inside.” He nods with his head to the door and struggles a little reaching for the controls of the chair, despite the large ball attached to the joystick to make it easier for him. Jay assumes it’s an effect of the cold, today had been exceptionally nasty with strong rain in the morning and a cloudy sky all rest of the day. He isn’t sure temperatures ever rose since the night. Knowing Darren suffered to contact Jay only serves to intensify Jay’s feeling of guilt and it’s the reason why he doesn’t hesitate to select the key from the keyring in his hand and open the door, letting Darren inside the warm interior.

“Uh… I… Why didn’t you call, I could’ve—”

“Pretended you were sick, again? Or ignore my call, or text?” Darren has grown a beard in the time they didn’t see each other, it covers most of his lower face with dark and smooth hair, and it’s almost ridiculous how it makes him more handsome and at the same time more frightening, especially with the pair of stormy eyes above it.

Jay closes the door behind them and busies himself with hanging up his coat, his back turned to Darren. He knows he deserves this, he hasn’t talked to Darren for more than a month, hasn’t answered any of his calls, and has canceled all sessions. He didn’t even go to any of Chris’ parties. “Darren, I’m sor—”

“I get it.” Darren waves his left hand, face grim. “It was an accident, you didn’t really want to kiss me, there’s nothing behind it, you are straight. I know.” He grunts. “Save it.”

Jay wonders for a moment who trims Darren’s beard but then decides it’s not something he’ll ever ask. He deflates, letting his hands sink to his sides. “Yeah… Uh… exactly.” In fact, he has come to that conclusion already himself, after weeks of sleepless nights and troubled days, replaying the scene in the bar over and over again in his head. He has been drunk, probably more than he had known, and he had felt sorry for Darren. That is all. He shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but what is done is done. He is glad Darren understands that, even though he seems annoyed. But that is Darren, it is basically his default emotion, and it’s Jay who made the mistake. So… “I’m sorry, okay?”

Darren adjusts his position in the wheelchair, his shoes rattling on the footrest. “Well. Now that we are finally here...” He shoots one last dark look at Jay who cringes a little and nods hurriedly to make Darren go on, “I brought us something.” He twists slightly, his left hand fumbling terribly long in the pockets of his jacket and finally pulling out a memory stick. It’s attached to a keychain which tinkles a little as Darren hands the stick over to Jay.

“Uh… What is it?” Jay receives the item, careful not to flinch as Darren’s cool hand brushes his in the process. How long exactly did he wait in front of Jay’s apartment door?

“Porn,” Darren grunts, steering the wheelchair toward the couch after extricating himself from his jacket and throwing it over the back of a chair. “What did you think?”

“Oh…” Jay stares at the stick, then mentally shakes himself and follows after Darren. “Cool.”

“Men and women,” Darren adds with a side glance to Jay.


Jay watches Darren try to get up from the wheelchair with stiff legs. Darren rocks forward a little and tries to stand, but falls back into the seat again every time, his right arm knocking into the armrest. Before any of them can say a word, Jay has taken Darren’s left arm and assists him, boosting him into standing and then leading him to turn and sit. It feels like something he’s done for years although it’s only been a few times by now.

Darren acknowledges the help with a curt nod, avoiding eye contact, and makes himself comfortable, using the pillows Jay offers him. Jay goes to get a few bottles of beer out of the fridge and then plugs the stick into his laptop to start the video.

It’s a video just after Jay’s taste, with an extraordinary elaborate storyline and so silly characters it makes him laugh. Just like that, it’s already toward the end of the video when he starts palming himself through the fabric of his jeans. Before, he was mostly enjoying watching the story evolve, without concentrating on the erotic side of it. As a consequence, he’s only half-hard when his attention is caught by Darren.

Darren didn’t pull himself out like he usually does, but the large bulge in his front makes it obvious that he is rock hard. Frowning, Jay watches the big guy squirm, his left hand clenched into the pillow, his face twitching in discomfort. Jay wonders if it’s still the cold bugging him, or something else. It has been some time since they entered Jay’s warm apartment. “Do you need… help?” Jay asks carefully, but Darren shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “I’m good,” Darren grunts, and his legs jump as he sits up more. He fails to suppress a pained groan as his cock is confined even more due to the change in position.

“You can jack off, you know,” Jay continues, putting his hands to his sides since his cock didn’t seem to be game anyway. “You don’t need to wait for me.”

“I wasn’t—” Darren visibly stops himself and sighs, looking away. “Okay…” He chances a glance at Jay. “I didn’t want to… when you aren’t in the mood…?”

“Please go on,” Jay says. The video has ended, he notices. “Thanks for the porn, by the way, it was excellent. I’m going to re-watch it some time.”

Darren moans through clenched teeth, his hand shooting out to fumble with his waistband and free his cock. It’s hard and flushed, leaking copious amounts of precome, and Jay swallows as something tugs behind his navel. Darren starts with one arm holding his cock down, trapping it against his belly, his unruly legs working to make his hips move. Jay knows it creates friction on Darren’s cock, although it looks as inefficient and exhausting as it probably is, judging from Darren’s quick, heavy breath and the sheen of sweat soon coating his forehead.

As Jay watches, heat starts rushing into his cock and he absentmindedly moves his fingers, rubbing over the fabric of his jeans until he notices he’s hard as well.

“Almost… almost there…” Darren grunts, speech slurring already, and Jay wonders who he’s talking to. Darren isn’t looking at him, staring rather at some point in the distance. His right arm is flailing at his side, his left locked over his cock and barely moving. His legs are trembling violently in an attempt to find purchase and push him up a little, his hips jerking up desperately. “Damn… Fuck, yes.” Darren manages to wrap his hand somewhat around his cock and immediately sets to stroke himself with rough, quick movements, his eyes closing and his mouth a slim line, concentrating. “Ah!” He howls when he loses contact again, the fingers of his left hand spasming, his eyebrows a dangerous line until he manages to regain control.

Jay has moved closer to Darren, to help him should it be required, or at least that’s what he tells himself. His cock in his pants is painfully hard by now, and he longs to pull it out, but he’s too mesmerized by Darren to do much. Then Darren’s head turns around and his gaze locks with Jay’s and on impulse Jay closes the last distance to press his lips onto Darren’s. It’s heated and hurried, and there’s spit, sweat and the impossible softness of Darren’s beard involved, but Darren gasps against Jay’s lips and goes still for a second before convulsing in orgasm. His body is shaking against Jay’s, who moves up his hands to steady Darren at the shoulders while Darren rides it out, moaning hoarsely.

Jay pushes back, not leaving Darren time to recover. There’s Darren’s spunk all over his shirt as well but he doesn’t care. He pulls down his zipper and gets his cock in hand, hissing with relief at the sensation, proceeding to jerk himself off quickly. “Fuck, fuck, fuck… Darren, Darren, please…” He’s babbling but he can’t stop it, his brain has checked out and there’s only the desperate need to come. Right. Now.

“What do you need?” Darren is struggling to sit upright, his speech dragging, but his eyes are clear and open and locked onto Jay’s. “Jay?”

Pushing down the feeling of shame, Jay bites his lips, and whispers without looking up: “Your hand.” He puts his own down onto the couch next to his thighs as he says that. When Darren indeed turns toward him, the shin of his jerking leg hitting Jay’s as Darren forces control over his hand to approach Jay’s cock, Jay wants to call it off, but it’s just a second of doubt. Then Darren’s fingers touch him and it’s better than he ever dreamed of, better than in any of his bedroom fantasies. Darren’s touch is light one second, then hard the other, his hand clenching unmerciful with spasms now and then. His skin is soft and his hand is so large, there’s no chance Jay will ever be able to forget it’s not his own. Darren is panting close to Jay’s ear with the effort it all requires, the scent of his sweat sweet and alluring in Jay’s nose. Jay wraps his hand around Darren’s, holding it in place, feeling the other's knuckles move under his palm. His breath comes like he’s running a marathon, he feels like he’s going to explode any second, and he isn’t paying attention to what he’s doing anymore. He moans as Darren moves his hand on his cock, getting him off torturously slowly, and Jay’s hips jerk to meet Darren’s imprecise strokes. “Darren, Darren, Darren…” Jay chants, his vision clouding, the heels of his feet digging into the ground while he ruts up into Darren’s hand.

“Let go,” Darren groans into his ear, his breath hitting Jay’s cheek. “I know you can.” Jay smells the kiss from before, can taste it on his tongue, and he thrust up into Darren’s imperfect fist once more, and howls as he comes, his cock pulsing in Darren’s twitching hand, his fingers clenching around Darren’s. Jay’s body becomes rigid, riding on waves of pleasure of an enormous orgasm, while he screams Darren’s name. Then Jay’s limbs become pliant as he’s spent, and he collapses against Darren, leans against his broad shoulder as he catches his breath, eyes closed.

“Shit.” Jay opens his eyes, jittering hands wanting to clean both of them up, when he notices it as he rolls off of Darren. “Are you… hard again?”

Darren evades Jay’s gaze, his hand making an aborted gesture. “Ah… It’s all right.” The big guy is trying to stuff his rigid cock back into his pants but it’s futile.

“No! I…” Jay stops him and hurriedly cleans the worst off himself before deciding that all their clothes need to go into the washing machine anyway. “I want… You did so much for me, I…  I want to make this good for you.”

Darren moans slightly, his hand stilling. “Ah huh… Okay. Um… and h-how—”

But Jay has already slipped down to the floor and in between Darren’s legs, and lowered his head to take Darren into his mouth. He has never done that, only seen it being done from the other side of the action, and he almost chokes on his first try, with Darren’s cock being much larger than he expected. Nevertheless… “Jay!” Darren yelps, his legs straightening and trembling. “Are you— Oh geez, oh fuck…” Jay moves his tongue along the underside of Darren’s cock as he takes him deeper, angling his head up to look at Darren’s face. Darren is staring straight back at him, his mouth slightly open, his expression disbelieving. “Jay… I’m… Ah yes, oh fuck, yes…” Darren closes his eyes and tips his head back, moans rolling from his lips as his hips stutter upward weakly, aiming to drive his cock deeper into Jay’s mouth.

It’s harder than Jay had thought, his jaw starts hurting almost immediately and saliva runs out of the corners of his mouth, but the smell of Darren is intoxicating, he tastes salty and masculine, and his throaty groans spur Jay on. He lets the tip of his tongue flutter against the head of Darren’s cock until Darren squirms and cries out, then wraps his hand around the base to help Darren get off. Both his hand and his mouth fit onto Darren’s cock and it doesn’t take long until Darren is shuddering, his left fist drumming onto the couch, his legs jerking so wildly Jay fears he’s going to be hit soon. He tries to relax his throat, taking Darren deeper, and Darren howls like an animal, hips jerking forward, and his cock pulses weakly as last drops of come are squeezed from it. It’s barely enough for Jay to require to swallow and he keeps Darren in his mouth until he’s quiet and still, his muscles only occasionally twitching weakly, making his limbs jerk tiredly.

Darren stirs and opens his eyes as Jay curls up next to him, leaning into the big guy’s side. It looks like Darren wants to say something, he lifts his head, muscles in his face twitching. His lips move but his lungs don’t produce enough air for sound to form and so he snaps his mouth shut again, huffing in defeat, his hand on Jay’s thigh curling into a loose fist.

 “Save it,” Jay says and picks up Darren’s hand to squeeze it gently.


  1. Holy shit, it’s your hottest one yet. Omg

  2. Aaaaargh!!

    This is torture (and I love it.) Definitely not where I thought the last chapter would lead to, but absolutely no complains. Whithdrawing is in character for Jay as seen before, even if it pains me (good kind of pain though... man, I love this story!)

    The sex scene? Hot. Scorching. Volcanic.

    Secondly. Jay, honey, bisexuality is a thing! I swear!

    But yeah, I get that Jay is freaking out. There's not only the bi angle but also Jay very clearly is a dev, and for me personally that second thing was much harder to come to terms with than the first one. That being said, I hope they'll sort it out properly before Jay pulls a "I do. No homo, though" at their wedding.

    Darren with a beard... swoon. Darren not giving up on Jay... double swoon.

    Thanks for making my Saturday!

    1. Omg, thanks so much! I’m happy you liked the chapter. Glad it felt in character, I wasn’t sure but I definitely thought them both confessing eternal love for each other wouldn’t be right as well ;) Also this is planned to go on for a while and will probably end once they both become clear about their feelings and communicate them. So never, probably... ;)

      It’s definitely harder realizing and accepting you are a dev than being gay/bi. They don’t teach you in school for starters :D I always knew I was different with regards to PWDs, I always knew it was sexual, but until my mid twenties I never ever thought it could be seen as a sexual orientation. It was only then that I googled in fact and came upon the term devotee.

      But what I’m going for here is another thing I’ve been thinking about, which is that in my opinion you can be hetero when it comes to ABs, and bi or gay when it comes to PWDs (or any other combination). Which, when you just think in terms of bi/gay/hetero and have no clue about devotees is hard to wrap your head around. I’m not planning them to ever realize this, at one point Jay will just accept that it is different with Darren than with all other people he’s met so far.

    2. "before Jay pulls a "I do. No homo, though" at their wedding."
      Ha, don't give me ideas... That would be hilarious :D No, gosh, them getting married is probably another endless story.

  3. I love this story so much...not just because Jay and Darren are such DUDES who never talk about their feelings, although that is a big part of it. What really makes this story so amazing and original is that the disabled partner is the dominant one. In almost every other m-m story I have read, the one with the disability is the weaker, passive one, often coded as feminine. It’s such a common trope I never even realized how ubiquitous it is until you came along and flipped it.

    1. Thanks, Devo Girl! Oh wow, I never considered this before. Cool :) You are absolutely right! So few stories with dominant disabled partners. Maybe because so many stories revolve around the disabled person overcoming their limitations etc... Anyway, I'm happy I can contribute to changing this. My most favorite stories feature dominant disabled partners, so that's probably what influences me.

  4. Great chapter, loved it

    1. Thanks for taking the time and letting me know <3 Happy you like it!

  5. This chapter was unexpected with Jay being the one "running" and Darren doing a little "chasing." I loved it. Thank you so much for posting. I so enjoy this story and look forward to each of the updates!

    1. Thank you so much for the comment, very much appreciated. I'm glad this was unexpected for you, I hope to keep it interesting.

  6. So much ridiculously hot goodness in this chapter, and so many great discussions in the comments! This story is the gift that keeps on giving. I love your reflections about the oddly specific combinations of orientation/preferences that can come up with being a dev (agreed that there's no way that Jay is going to figure that one out, lol), and the conversation with DG about dominant guys with disabilities. Love your PWD guys who know what they want :D

    1. Oh thank you Rowan! Made my day reading your comment <3
      Yes, love the comment section here, it's so great to discuss with other devs, hear what they think... In the end, we are all still figuring this out, aren't we?

  7. Can't wait for the next update!

    1. Sorry that I didn't post a new chapter this week, I feel terrible about it! I have my mind set on updating this Saturday... Though I can't promise anything.