As has become custom, Darren and Jay don’t talk about the incident from their last jack-off session. The next meeting is without any remarkable interruptions, it’s a good day for Darren, he even makes a joke about Jay’s generous use of lube, and Jay defends himself, almost not blushing as they banter about the correlation of amount of lube, cock size and general skill. And so Jay almost chokes on his coke, lounging on Chris’ reclining chair, when, a couple of weeks later, he hears Darren say:
“We need to talk.”
Coughing and wiping coke from his chin, Jay scrambles to sit upright and scans the room. Chris is out in the kitchen, the others have dispersed among the apartment and are chatting on the balcony or queuing up in front of the restrooms. Then Jay spots Darren, he’s sitting in the left corner of the couch, almost disappearing in the cushions despite his size, his adaptive game controller shoved to the side and twisted around awkwardly to look at Jay.
Darren turns back around to face forward, away from Jay. “This can’t continue.”
“Wha-” Jay frowns, barely catching on. He hasn’t seen this coming, Darren always seemed to be the one more comfortable with their arrangement. What has Jay done wrong? Was it the last video? They can watch different videos, maybe something with a higher number of male actors, Jay doesn’t really care anyway- “Darren—”
“It’s not your fault,” Darren interrupts. Jay can only see the back of Darren’s head from where he’s sitting, but the moment Jay starts to get up to walk around the couch to be able to look into Darren’s face, the others come streaming back into the room, with beer and a pile of pizza cartons from which a delicious smell is going out. With a frustrated groan, Jay falls back into the recliner, pondering about what Darren had said, wondering what had gotten him to change his mind so suddenly. The pizza is perfect, Jay has to admit that, the right amount of cheese and crusty bottom, but when they continue playing Jay loses every single round.
“Darren!” Jay catches up with the electric wheelchair only mere feet from Chris’ apartment door. “Wait, damn it.” He couldn’t corner Darren in the apartment with the other people present, but now that they are all on their way home he has to know what’s going on with Darren.
Darren’s wheelchair stops and Jay almost crashes into its back in his haste. “Geez!” Jay has no idea where the anger comes from, but somehow he’s furious that this is how Darren thinks it all ends. With his hands on his hips, he steps around the wheelchair and stands in front of the big guy, looking him in the eyes. “What kind of talk was that supposed to be?”
Darren looks back without blinking, his right arm slightly twitching in his lap. “Don’t know what you mean,” he murmurs, slurring his words even worse than usually. Other than that he seems awfully calm.
Jay spits out. “Don’t bullshit me. Why are you quitting? Why now?”
Darren tries steering the wheelchair around Jay, but the sidewalk is too narrow, he ends up almost bumping the footrest into Jay’s shins. “Get out of my way,” Darren growls, tilting his head down.
Jay stays, though his knees are weakening slightly under Darren’s glare. “Why, Darren?”
Darren’s eyes narrow even more, dangerously, and Jay almost stumbles sideways to make space because he can’t deal with a fuming Darren but then Darren deflates, his clenched fingers releasing the padding of his armrest. “Fuck, Jay… You’re not gay.”
Jay blinks, arms falling to his side. “Uh… yeah. I’m not. So what?”
“This...” Darren rolls his eyes and gestures at Jay, his left knee jerking up. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m taking advantage of you. I don’t want that.”
“You are… What?!” Jay shakes his head and takes a few steps back, in surprise. “What does that mean?”
Darren sighs and looks straight at Jay. “When you’re jerking off it… it turns me on. All right?” He grinds his teeth. “And that time when...” Darren looks away for a second, though Jay isn’t sure whether it was on purpose or spasms. “It was nice of you.” Jay shudders hearing the cutting edge in Darren’s word, slicing through him. “But you’re not gay so this… is not fair to you. I don’t want to use you in that way.” Dark eyes penetrate Jay.
“Huh...” Jay can’t even process this, least formulate a response, before Darren tips the joystick forward and zooms around him and down the road. “Hey!” Jay jogs to overtake Darren again, this time the other doesn’t react quickly enough and only a quick jump back prevents Jay’s toes from being run over. Darren almost falls out of the seat, only his hand quickly grasping the armrest saves him from being catapulted out of the chair. He pushes himself back to slump against the backrest, his legs kicking violently.
“Can I have a say in that?” Jay asks with his arms spread, trying to ignore the distracting tightening of his pants.
Darren scowls. “What do you mean?”
Now it’s Jay’s turn to sigh. Why is everything so god-damn complicated since he started jerking off with Darren? “Yeah, so what if I’m not gay? Maybe I want to do this for you? Maybe I think it’s...”
Darren’s features freeze all of a sudden, his eyes growing hard. “You think it’s admirable, what you’re doing? Aiding the cripple? Is that it?” He doesn’t wait for Jay’s answer, instead pushes his hand against the joystick hard, so that the wheelchair gives a jolt forward. Jay saves himself by jumping off the sidewalk and on the street for a second, ignoring the honking of the passing cars that have to swerve around him.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Jay watches his friend’s back, torn between giving up and becoming really furious. Then he starts jogging alongside Darren because he decides this is the safer option, even though it makes conversing difficult and he’ll get out of breath. “Maybe because I like helping my friend, asshole? And maybe because...”
Jay bites on his lips, face heating. “I don’t know…” He really doesn’t. How can he explain to Darren what he feels when they masturbate together? That he could go off just from listening to Darren’s deep groans? From watching him come with his cock trapped between wrist and stomach? How can he say that without being gay? It’s the truth, though. “Maybe… Maybe because it turns me on, too.”
The wheelchair rolls to a stop and Darren looks at Jay, face blank.
Jay lifts his shoulders. “All right?”
Darren watches him in silence, his eyes narrowed, for so long that Jay almost jumps out of his skin. Still, he doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink.
Jay misses the moment Darren shoves the joystick forward again and has to run to keep up. “So?”
“So...” Darren says without looking at him. “Next week, your place, same time?”
Jay stops in his tracks, smiles stupidly, starts jogging again and accompanies Darren to the corner of the street before he remembers that his destination is in the opposite direction.
“Good talk,” Jay says before he turns around and leaves, almost bursting from relief and joy. He refrains from hugging Darren, but only barely so.
“So…” Darren is in the process of settling down on the couch, left arm still braced on the seating surface to hold himself up while his back is unsupported. Jay comes out of the kitchen, beer and chips and glasses in his hands, everything to make this appear normal. He lifts his eyebrows at Darren, signaling him to go on.
Darren clears his throat. “You said you were okay with me watching,” Darren states, and promptly looks somewhere else, to the windows where the sun has just sunk below the horizon.
Jay plops down on the couch next to Darren. “Yup,” he confirms. It’s their first time meeting after Darren’s sudden doubts, and although Jay tried to make Darren feel welcome just as the times before, things have turned out to be a little harder now.
Darren doesn’t move, his left hand clenched into the cushions, only his right knee jumps up and down. He stays quiet.
Wondering what Darren is thinking at that moment, Jay frowns slightly and says: “I’m all right with it, I already told you. You remember? You can watch all you want, if it helps, I don’t care.” More than that, but he doesn’t need to say it again, does he?
Darren is still turned away, apparently contemplating the orange band of light the vanished sun still paints on the sky, swaying slightly.
Deciding that humor is the best way to deal with the situation, Jay gives a snort. “If you want a show, I can do that. I may have to warn you, I’m not usually the one giving the strip-tease in my bedroom, but hey, if you want me to, I can try,” he jokes weakly. He arranges lube and tissues on the table next to the beer, and when Darren doesn’t react, it finally dawns on him. “Is this about me… uh… You know? Helping you?”
Darren shrugs and scoots back a little until he’s leaning with his back against the couch, exhaling slowly. “Hmmm…”
Jay clears his throat. “That’s okay,” he simply states.
There’s a few seconds of silence. Then: “Why?”
Jay looks up, confused. “Why what?”
“Why would you do that?” Darren specifies, his dark eyes fixed on Jay.
Jay swallows and blushes again. Why would he indeed, not being gay? “I just…” He rubs his palms over the couch’s surface. “I can’t explain it.” Maybe he doesn’t have to. “Isn’t this what friends are for? We’re jacking off together, we can as well help each other… Can’t we?”
Darren clears his throat. “Okay, it’s just… I want you to know that you don’t have to do it. If you don’t want to. I have… Wait a moment…” He reaches over to the messenger bag attached to his wheelchair and grabs the strap. With a grunt, he pulls the bag onto his lap and opens the Velcro with his thumb tucked under the slab. “I’ve got this. It helps, too.”
It’s a plastic stick with a round end and buttons on its side. Jay recognizes a vibrator when he sees one. “Ah. Huh.”
Darren places the vibrator on the couch next to his thigh. “This is what I use at home.”
“Is it…” Jay searches for words. “Is it better than…?”
Darren scoffs. “Better than the real thing? No. But it gets the job done.”
Jay contemplates that for a while, then he motions to Darren and when the other nods, Jay takes the vibrator in hand. It’s surprisingly heavy, Jay wonders if Darren can hold it easily when spasms set in. He assumes this is not always the case. “That’s cool,” Jay says finally and puts the vibrator on the coffee table in front of them, in reach for Darren. “But… if you need anything… better. Just ask. I’m uh… here.”
Darren watches Jay for a while, then nods. “Okay.”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
With a huff, Jay slows his hand on his cock and looks up at Darren next to him. Darren has his cock out as well, left hand around it quivering, but he’s watching Jay’s lap, eyebrows drawn together.
“You’re moving too fast,” Darren clarifies.
They are in Jay’s apartment again. It’s their third session after they agreed to move on. At first it was awkward but just for a few minutes, until Jay went ahead and started a video. The both know no one is watching the screen, but the sound and the light helps, and if anything, they can pretend they watch it.
Jay snorts. He’s never been good at taking it slow, he knows that. He’s trying to pace himself but he’s already proud when he doesn’t come within a minute or two, that’s absolutely all he manages usually, especially when Darren is there.
“It will be much better if you draw it out,” Darren says, his left hand jerks up a little, crooked fingers sliding over the shaft. Darren never takes much lube, maybe he likes the friction, Jay thinks, or he needs it to manage to grab himself.
Jay sighs. “I’m trying,” he mumbles, pouting although he doesn’t want to. It’s hard to concentrate while looking at Darren’s swollen cock, it’s making Jay feel light and hot, and that makes it even harder to keep a clear head. “I swear, it’s just that… I don’t know. It’s hard. I’m over the edge before I know it and then I can’t take it back, you know? I’m not as strong as you or whatever.”
Darren clears his voice and turns his head to the screen. The fast-changing light dances over his face, lighting up his dark features. “Eh… It has nothing to do with being strong. I can’t go faster.”
Jay winces and his gaze flickers over to Darren. Of course. Darren is having a good day, from all he can tell, and still… The muscles in his left arm are stiff, his hand around his cock is trembling as he moves it up, and down again, small pearls of sweat collecting on his upper lip from the effort it takes. Jay wants to apologize but Darren clicks his tongue. “Just… Watch me, okay?”
Jay gulps, his level of arousal spiking at once, but he does as he was told.
So far they haven’t changed much in their usual routine, just sat next to each other while the video played, not looking but definitely listening to the other jerking off. Only new addition is that both know now that they are not completely indifferent to the other’s presence. They haven’t talked much more about it and Jay is relieved. Jay enjoys their sessions equally much, if not more than Darren, but he still can’t really explain how he’s attracted to Darren and not gay at the same time, so he keeps his mouth shut.
With official permission, Jay watches Darren and soon notices that Darren isn’t masturbating very slowly either. His hand slides down his cock just as fast as Jay’s, but then he needs time to reverse its direction, fingers twitching and muscles straining, before he goes on. Jay tries to mimic Darren, though he smooths his own movements, but he essentially keeps Darren’s pace. For a while it doesn’t change anything but then—
“Don’t go faster, stay with me,” Darren reminds him in a low voice. His eyes are still on Jay’s cock, only half-open. Jay blinks. He’d been so lost watching Darren, seeing his cock fatten further and further, a drop of precome sliding down at one point, and hearing his breath coming deeper and faster, that he forgot he was on a mission here.
“Sorry...” Jay mumbles absentmindedly and complies, matching his pace to Darren’s again, but something in the pit of his stomach curls slightly as he forces himself to go slower, heat waves travel over his skin as he tries to stay in sync with Darren’s rhythm. A sweet voice in his ear tells him that he could come, right now, if he just started stroking himself properly, faster than Darren. Just a flick of his wrist…
“Uh huh...” Jay swallows and wills his hand to go slower again, his heart starts pounding faster in his chest and there’s sweat collecting on his forehead.
“You okay?” Darren is watching him, almost concerned.
“Yeah…” Jay nods, trying to look reassuring though his cock is so hard he has to clench his teeth not to cry out. He’ll make it, this time, he wants to, he just needs to be strong, in spite of what Darren says. “Uh huh.” Inhaling shakily, Jay keeps his hand in check, keeps the strokes as slow as Darren’s, although it seems impossible.
Jay’s gaze stays fixed on Darren’s lap now, as if this would somehow help him stay sane. Darren’s strokes falter a few times, he falls out of rhythm, his hand cramping, but he catches on after a few seconds, brows furrowed in concentration. But then Jay accidentally twists his wrist a little on an upstroke and holy shit… “Um…” A whimpered moan escapes and Jay immediately feels the heat of embarrassment wash over him.
“Darren, I don’t know...” Jay isn’t sure he has ever been this desperate to get off. He has no idea how much longer he can keep this up, he experiences pure agony not to give in to the instinct and just stroke himself to completion. His cock is flushed and throbbing against his palm and his arm shakes with the force he puts behind holding himself back.
But Darren hasn’t given him permission and if anything, Darren’s movements seem to become slower and slower. Or maybe it’s Jay imagining things, already so desperate time is slowing down for him. “Please, Darren,” he pleads, hissing through his teeth. “Please…”
“Not yet,” Darren pants. His right arm, which was behaving up to this point, slides down his stomach, fingers snapping into a fist. Darren growls viciously, wills his left hand to go up his cock again, agonizingly slow this time, but then he slips off and his arm jerks away from his cock. “Fuck…”
Jay closes his eyes for a moment, hearing Darren’s angry groan. When he opens them again, he realizes that Darren has managed to touch his cock again, fingers closing around the shaft unwillingly, though his muscles seems too stiff to execute much movement.
“Please, Darren…” Jay can’t help Darren, as much as he wants to, because if Darren doesn’t say the word, he’s sure he’s going to break in thousand pieces. Jay forces himself to exhale held-in breath and abruptly turns his head away from Darren who is struggling to continue stroking himself, he feverishly tries to find something to fix his eyes on, to concentrate on instead of the overwhelming urge to come. “I can’t… I want… Please...”
“Just… a little…” Darren mumbles, panting. “Just a little… longer.”
Darren is watching him, Jay can tell, the other’s urgent, rattling breath is loud in his ears, the sound of Darren’s feet slapping the floor and his grunts as spasms make his legs jump is causing hot waves to rush over Jay’s body, wracking him. He keeps his head turned away and squeezes his eyes shut, his cock twitching and begging for release. Just a few quick strokes…
Darren groans through clenched teeth and Jay can hear how close he is, he doesn’t need to look. “I need to… Darren… Now, please!” Jay wants to come so badly, he’s not sure he has ever wanted anything more in his life. Blood is pulsing in his ears, making him half deaf, and spots of light start dancing behind his closed eyelids.
Darren jerks forward and mumbles something, words that are mashed together and not understandable, but Jay gets the gist. He exhales with a cry and lets go of all restraint, one, two strokes and he’s coming, his fist flying over his cock as it empties itself, pulsing endlessly, his entire body shaking through orgasm. Jay strokes himself through it feverishly until his cock becomes oversensitive, giving a whimper as he squeezes the last drop from it, his hand almost cramping. His muscles go slack in an instant and Jay catches himself with his elbow on the couch, panting. “Fuuck…” He doesn’t know if he ever came this hard in his life before.
Darren moves next to him, something like a slow shiver and Jay looks up at that. Darren’s stomach is splattered with come, he didn’t manage to catch it in his hand. His left is still pressed onto his cock, arm rigid, and he’s slumped against the support of the couch, chest heaving. Darren’s eyes are clouded when they fix on Jay’s, but then the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile. “And you told me you were the master of masturbation,” Darren gibes weakly, his tongue slow around the syllables, and pushes upright to extend a quivering hand toward the box of tissues on the table. He doesn’t manage to reach until Jay knocks it in his direction. Darren grabs a handful of tissues and looks back at Jay. “You’re welcome, by the way.”