I felt her presence as she caught up with me. For a moment there I feared she might have changed her mind and wasn’t going to follow me. The sheer relief that consumed me once I realized she WAS coming right behind me, shook me to the core. What was wrong with me? Why was I allowing this girl, a complete stranger to me technically, to exert such tremendous effect on my inner balance? Something I had worked so hard to achieve for years. And when I finally started to believe that I had at last managed to overcome my inner demons, she just happens to cross my path!
I needed to figure this out and soon. Otherwise I was risking my mental health, and something I feared losing even more- my complete emotional indifference, along with my protective shell.
I entered the room which served me as an office during my working hours at the university and allowed her to move past me. I wanted to see her expression- she did have very vivid facial reaction that I could read easily- upon her entering into my space. I was surprised that I didn’t feel any anxiety having her here. Usually I didn’t like bringing people I didn’t know well into any one of what I considered to be my intimate and private areas.
I observed her carefully, while at the same time trying to not make her feel uneasy. She stood right in the middle of the room and I directed her towards the chair nearby. As she lowered her svelte body into it, I caught a glimpse of her cleavage. She was wearing black denims with a matching tank top. The jacket she had on didn’t cover up everything and as she bent to sit down. Quickly I averted my gaze before she had the chance to spot me gawking at her like some bashful schoolboy. I then cleared my throat as I wheeled myself around and adjusted my chair underneath the desk. She waited patiently as I started looking through piles of documents and paperwork, as I was trying to locate the one in particular that I had mentioned to her this morning.
Finally, I pulled it out from underneath a heavy stack of some of my old notes and stretched myself across the desk, in order to be able to show her better. She leaned forward unconsciously, in an attempt to get a better view herself, at which point our foreheads almost made physical contact. We both froze in place, as though we were two naughty kids who just got caught in the middle of doing something forbidden. I was holding in my breath and when I finally let it out, I felt her do the same. It caressed my arm, as I was about to show her the paperwork, and then I had the most horrendous slip of judgement- I reached out, pulled her face closer and kissed her!
For a moment we simply stared at each other. No one dared utter a single word. When the silence dragged for a few more seconds, which to me felt like ages, it suddenly dawned on me what I had just done, and the implications that my actions could bring along. For the both of us.
Yes, she was an adult and by all means able to consciously consent to any sexual activity. However, I also knew the policy of the university regarding the relationship student-tutor. And although it allowed some leeway, the code of conduct did not encourage such liaisons. That being said, I didn’t even know if she would agree to have anything to do with me! I simply got caught in the moment, the insatiable need and desire to feel her lips pressed against mine, to taste her essence- she smelled of spring flowers, something fresh and something in addition to that, which I couldn’t put my finger on but it made me go crazy with desire and lust for her.
So I risked my entire career that I had built over the years, based on my intolerable need to have her, to possess her, as well as my instincts as a man, who had sensed the mating call of his match. If I were right- we could have something amazing possibly developing between us. But if I was wrong- not only would I have waved goodbye to ever being able to forge a career in the field, but worst of all- having my heart broken by the first woman who managed to remind me I ever had one, to begin with.
He kissed me! Or did I just make this up? Can this be really happening? What should I do now, do I say anything? God, I cannot believe this is really happening!
My head was an even bigger mess than when I came into his office with the intention to gain some clarity for myself. I wanted to know why he did this and what it meant, but most of all I wanted to FEEL. I NEEDED to feel. Him. Right now. So why did he stop? I didn’t want him to stop. No! Go on! Please! Kiss me! Touch me! I need to feel you…
I wasn’t going to tell him all of this, but maybe my eyes said it all, as he leaned in and kissed me for the second time. This time I opened myself to him fully. I allowed him complete access to my mouth, which he took without further encouragement. His lips were firm, his tongue deep inside me, exploring, seeking, claiming. I let out a small moan, which seemed to fire him up, as he suddenly reached out across the desk and grabbed my face between his palms, then deepened the kiss even more. I had my own hands on the surface of the desk, to help me stabilize us both, as well I needed to feel something solid underneath me, otherwise I feared I might drift away into the heavens. The sensations coursing my body were exhilarating and nothing short of an orgasmic heaven. I think it was the same for him, as he pushed his tongue very deep into my mouth, deeper still, but this didn’t seem to satisfy him. When we posed for breath, both hyperventilating and sweaty from the exertion, he looked straight into my eyes and simply commanded: ‘Come’.
I wasn’t sure what he meant or what exactly he wanted me to do, but suddenly he gripped my arm and maneuvered me around the desk, while at the same time he positioned his wheelchair in a way so that it was facing me. I realized he wanted me to sit on his lap, and so I followed the command and did as he instructed. I was straddling him, which was more comfortable than I had expected, and with one swift move of his muscled arms, he positioned us both again facing the desk, so that my back was pressed tightly against the edge. I did not feel pain, only pleasure. Or maybe it was both but I was way too aroused to even make any difference between the two.
His arms were around me, pulling me roughly against his chest, while he was kissing me hungrily, moving down my jawline, my neck, the small indentation between my collar bones until his mouth closed firmly around one of my nipples. I was wearing a bra that day but he must have taken it off without me realizing, as I could already feel his tongue swirling around my nipple, creating wonderful sensations deep inside my stomach and going further down below. His other hand was gripping my other breast tightly, squeezing and kneading until I let out a moan. He quickly left my nipple and kissed me hard, shutting me up before I ever got a chance to make more noise. ‘shhh’, he looked me in the eye and in no uncertain terms made it clear that I was to be silent. I nodded in agreement and kissed him passionately, poring all of my suppressed desire into it. All things I wanted to tell him, but couldn’t. all the longing and confusion of the last few days just burst out of me and I returned the fire of his own kiss with an intensity of my own.
He took everything, every last drop, while pressing me against him even harder. I could feel his penis between us, pressing against my thigh. I hadn’t asked myself whether he could perform fully, so this had totally escaped my mind and therefore it came as a bit of a shock. I stopped the kiss and looked at him quizzically. He sensed something was bothering me so with a tender movement of his hand, he removed some of the strands of long hair that had fallen across my face.
- What is it baby? Is something wrong?
I struggled to explain to him the reason for my hesitation. I didn’t want to totally ruin the moment, but I was also anxious. I didn’t have any experience with paraplegic guys before, so I didn’t know what to expect, and neither did I know how to act or what to do. I was worried about hurting him or doing something that could potentially destroy our moment.
He maybe sensed the possible reason for my discomfort and simply took my hand down to his lap, allowing me to feel his desire and need for me. He then unzipped his trousers and positioned himself so that I could touch almost the entire length of him. He was ready and rock hard, I couldn’t resist exploring him. I squeezed tight and began to move my hand along the length of his shaft. When I lifted up my head so that I could look at him, he had his eyes closed. His jaw was clenched, his breathing rugged. He had my long hair wrapped around one of his arm, the other one he was using to keep us both steady, wrapping my waste and holding me upright, as I was straddling him, my arm around his shoulders, the other giving him the release that he so obviously needed and craved.
I began to move my hand faster and faster, until his facial features changed, his forehead furrowed, his eyes tightly shut, his mouth partly open as his breathing was now very heavy. His chest was moving up and down with increasing speed, his grip on my hair tightened, causing me pain as my neck bent backwards. All of a sudden he had his face pushed in my neck, his mouth on my ear. At first he couldn’t say anything as he was breathing so rapidly, but I could finally make out the words ‘don’t stop’ and ‘I’m gonna come’. This did it for me too and I moved desperately my hips forward, seeking blindly my own release, as the man in my arms shook so heavily, that I thought I caused him tremendous pain. He bit on his lower lip in order to prevent the load moan coming out of his mouth, while simultaneously his entire body tensed violently beneath me. Before I could react or even knew what was going on, my left hand was covered with his semen. He had ejaculated and now a series of what appeared to me as extremely violent spasms and shaking was taking place. Had I not been sitting on his lap, pressed tightly against the desk behind me, he probably would have catapulted us both onto the floor. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there and tried to keep up both from falling. The shaking began to subside and was brought down to sporadic bouts of tremors. His entire body would convulse and then relax. I don’t think he was aware of maybe he was, but was so exhausted that he couldn’t do anything about it or make it stop. So we just both sat there, holding each other, not speaking, just heavy breathing, until everything calmed down and he slowly opened his eyes and looked directly into mine.
- Was it very bad?
I didn’t catch his meaning at first, but stroke his cheek and just smiled at him.
- Tell me, how bad was it? I know it was bad, I could feel it, I could feel you, but I just couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t stop it. Maybe I should have warned you but there simply wasn’t time, I just had to take you. Did I frighten you? Tell me, I need to know!
I hadn’t seen him so intense, and maybe angry. He did frighten me but it was this intensity more so than what was going on with his body during his orgasm. I was still confused and quite hazy myself, so I tried to find the best words to reassure him.
- No you didn’t scare me. Maybe a little. I had no idea what was happening, I thought I might have hurt you unintentionally…
- Hurt me!? Hurt me!? No you definitely did not hurt me! Is that what you thought?
His smile traveled to his eyes this time and I knew it was genuine. The final walls I had built around my heart, I felt were tumbling down. I smiled back and he pressed our foreheads together.
- Oh my dear girl, you don’t know what you have done. I would never let you go now. You are mine now. Now and for all of eternity!
The autumn in Surrey was beautiful. I had already gotten used to the biting chill of the morning air. So much so that it gave me slight pleasure to feel the frosty early morning fog on my face as I walked to University.
It had been a week since my encounter with Professor Green. It had been so difficult to hide our connection from everyone else. Particularly during lectures. As I found myself blushing viciously and adverting my eyes when our gazes would meet and make contact. I wondered how he could manage to remain seemingly unmoved and continue with the lesson as though nothing ever happened. Was he not as shaken by the experience we shared, as I was? I literally could not get him out of my head. He was in my thoughts when I was reading at the library; his presence and memories of our time at his office were following me along the corridor, being especially intensified as I was passing by the portrait of the mysterious benefactors of the University.
It was at this very spot that we had first spoken. He had been again so controlled and composed as he conversed with me then, as I had to remind myself I was not losing my mind and we did indeed commit the ultimate sin- in the eyes of the academic department at least. We made love. Or I hope he would refer to it the same way, since it was more than just sex, at least to me. Although he did not penetrate me, I was sure he enjoyed my touch and his orgasm is still etched in my mind, reverberating through my entire body. He lost total control for the first time that I had laid eyes on him, and to see him so vulnerable and lost in the throes of passion, was the most intoxicating experience.
It caught me by surprise and I didn’t know how to react or what to do. Perhaps he sensed my hesitation and interpreted it in his own way, for as soon as he managed to compose himself, his face shifted into the mask of indifference he had been wearing before. He pushed me gently off him and started rearranging his legs, which had dropped to the floor and looked somehow weird in the position they had landed. His face was flushed but I presumed it was the aftermath of his orgasm. He bent his torso forward which caused the shaking to cease completely, and then followed by pulling up his unzipped trousers, not making eyes contact throughout the entire duration of this process. I started feeling very uncomfortable- I missed his warmth, the way he pressed against me when he couldn’t control his climax, and desperately wanted him to look at me. To comfort me. It was as though he had completely closed off in that moment and I did not even exist.
This hurt. A lot. So I turned my back to him and started arranging my own clothes. He somehow had unbuckled my bra and loosened my top, so I hurried to fix them back on. I couldn’t stand the awkward silence between us but I hated the idea of just exiting his office without so much as a word. What should I do? Should I say anything? Or does he want me to leave? I was stood right in the middle of the room, uncertain about my next course of action, when he finally raised his eyes to look at me. The amber which had been so hot and melting just a few moments earlier, had now become cold and distant. I loved his eyes but right now I would have preferred to not have seen the expression reflected in them. He shifted his weight and straightened his back. I think the injury he had sustained was beginning at a very low level below the bellybutton, as his stomach was flat. I didn’t know much about spinal cord injuries but I guessed the muscle tone was affected right below where the break was. His back must have been broken in the area of his pelvic bones. I think…
His voice shook me out of my own thoughts. God, I must have been staring at him without even wanting to! What must he have concluded about me- that I was gawking at me like the stupid curious kids who treated him as though he were some freak in a circus performance!
‘Emma, we need to talk.’ He did not sound as angry as I thought he was! A wave of relief moved across my body as I slowly approached him.
Thank you. You may check out the whole book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GJXB8CH