The One Who Got Away – CH 5

Chapter 5

Part One: Cold Grip

It all went so fast that Kay didn't even have time to grasp what was happening. One minute Seth was perfectly fine, the next he inhaled sharply and his face scrunched up in a grimace.

"Are you ok?" she asked uneasily, but she didn't get an answer. In a matter of seconds, he was profusely breaking out in a sweat on head and neck, and his skin color turned to bright red. 

Kay's heart skipped a beat, something icy closing its grip around her insides. "Seth?"

"Get Brian", he grunted through clenched teeth, and Kay jumped up from her chair.  

Hearing her shout his name was all it took for the PCA to practically drop his coffee onto the bench in a heartbeat and hurry over to them. Either the guy had very fine instincts, or she had just sounded as alarmed as she was. 

Standing before Seth and taking one look at him, Brian seemed to have an idea what was going on. He grabbed and ripped open a backpack that was hanging on the back of the wheelchair, and a second later, he had slipped a blood pressure device around the other man's floppy wrist. Then he put a hand on his shoulder "Seth." 

Seth didn't answer – he was too busy squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his head back against the headrest with a groan. 

"Can you look at me?" Brian addressed him again, this time touching his face. "Come on dude." 

Now those dark eyes squinted open, but he was barely even seeing him, obviously in some kind of agony. Kay bit down on her bottom lip, her trembling hands clenching until they hurt. She had never seen Seth in pain.

The blood pressure monitor beeped, in a particularly high-pitched tone. Brian cursed softly upon reading the number on the display. He crouched down and started pushing up the jeans on Seth's right leg, revealing a bag halfway filled with urine, strapped to a pale calf. Kay swallowed, averting her eyes, because she knew Seth wouldn't have wanted her to look. 

For a short moment, her peripheral vision registered their surroundings. The other guests in the café, along with Server Guy, were staring at them like it was a blockbuster movie, and people who were walking by slowed their pace to see what was going on. Kay wanted to murder them all. 

Blinking, she looked back at Brian, who was shaking his head to himself now, a frown on his face. From his crouching position, he looked up at her. "Did something happen just now? Anything that could have hurt him in some way?"

Utterly confused, she shook her head. "What do you mean? We were just talking."

Brian didn't answer. He started undoing the straps across Seth's feet, then took off his sneakers and socks.

Meanwhile, Seth was still moaning and sweating, jaw clenched, eyes squeezed shut again. Kay went to stand at his side, tentatively laying a hand on his shoulder. 

And that was when she saw it. 

It was clinging to the back of his right upper arm, half concealed by the short sleeve of his navy blue shirt, and it had stung at least twice. That damn wasp. With a soft curse, Kay instinctively ripped the insect off. "Seth", she uttered. "Are you allergic to wasps?"

The slightest confusion crossed the grimace that currently was his face. "What?" he asked, his voice strained.

"No, he's not", Brian threw in, looking up sharply. "Why, is there a bite?"

Kay wordlessly pointed at Seth's arm, and Brian stood up. Seeing the two red spots on the skin there, he huffed softly, nodding. "Must be it."

"What is?" Seth uttered, not opening his eyes.

"You've got two bites on your right arm", his PCA informed him, then reached for the backpack and pulled out a first aid kit. He disinfected the spots, then put on some cooling ointment.

Kay just stood there, not one bit less confused than a minute ago. If Seth wasn't allergic, what else was going on with him? Also, what an irony that he was the one who had been bitten, not her. So much for 'don't flail' and 'just stay still'. 

"Drink." Brian was now telling him, holding a sipping bottle to his lips. That backpack sure seemed to contain a lot of stuff. 

Seth didn't look happy, but he obliged, taking a few gulps. 

"More", the PCA said firmly when he stopped and wanted to turn his face away. "You've got to."

Seth groaned. With visible repugnance, he started sipping again. At some point, Brian seemed satisfied with the intake, and he put the bottle away. He measured Seth's blood pressure again – twice. Judging from the frustrated look on his face, things weren't improving. He looked at Seth. "There's no way around the meds, Dude", he commented apologetically, and Seth responded with a grunt. 

Now Kay was even more confused. There were meds? Then why on earth hadn't they used those right away?

She watched as Seth readily opened his mouth when Brian put a tablet under his tongue – yet another thing from that bottomless backpack. 

"Can we get out of here?" Seth suggested feebly, the muscles in his neck straining. "They don't … need to see this."

Bit late for that, Kay thought. The worst was obviously over, right? 

Brian quickly pulled out his wallet and put a twenty bill on the table, then started to guide the wheelchair away from the café, heading for under a nearby set of trees. "Hanging in there?" he asked Seth, squeezing his shoulder. 

He didn't answer. Whatever that medication was supposed to do, it obviously hadn't started doing it. 

Brian looked at his watch. Then he turned to Kay. "So his blood pressure is gonna go down really fast now." He paused, giving her a kind look. "Don't let it scare you."

Uneasily, she nodded, not entirely sure what the PCA was alluding to. She glanced at Seth, who still looked red, sweaty and in a lot of pain. That scared her. What else could there be?

Kay got her answer when the medication took effect. It happened within minutes, and it was the reverse process from before. Now the color of Seth’s face changed to white as a sheet – even his lips paled. Brian swiftly did something to the wheelchair, and the seat moved into a tilted back angle so Seth's upper body was almost horizontal. He had started breathing heavily, the muscles in his neck heaving with every intake, and his eyes were looking like they were on the verge of rolling back. For a moment there, Kay wasn't sure if he was about to pass out. It was scary to watch, and she was glad for the warning Brian had given her, because it reassured her this was nothing to freak out about. Nonetheless, that cold grip around her heart was still there, clenching relentlessly.

Brian brought out a washcloth from the bottomless backpack, damped it with water from the sipping bottle and wiped the remaining sweat from Seth's face and neck. Then he repeated the blood pressure test. Otherwise, he just waited, and so did Kay. She stood next to Seth, her hand on his shoulder, continuesly running circles with her thumb. It was one of those situations where forming coherent thoughts was virtually impossible. Maybe it was adrenaline – it sure felt like it.

After a few minutes, things seemed to be getting better. Color returned to Seth's lips, and his breathing evened. At some point, he blinked, peering up at Kay. One corner of his mouth went up. "You're good in a crisis", he mumbled, lips still a little bit sluggish.

"Huh?"

His neck twitched when he took a breath. "You've been calm this whole time."

Kay lent him a faint smile, her hand affectionately squeezing his shoulder. "Only appears that way. I'm actually shaking."

"No wonder", Brian threw in. He was slipping Seth's sneakers back on his feet. "I'm a pro at this, and even I get nervous in these situations."

Kay glanced at him. "You do?"

"Of course. This shit can get dangerous."

She bit her lip, peering down at Seth. "Dangerous how?"

"Life threateningly dangerous", Brian responded matter-of-factly, and Kay gulped.

Seth was rolling his eyes. "Only when it's left unaddressed", he argued tiredly. "No need to be so dramatic."

Brian shot him a dry look. "Says the guy who almost had a stroke just now."

Seth knitted his brow. "How high was it?"

The PCA made a small pause. "175."

The wincing in Seth’s face betrayed how much the number scared him. "Now I know why it felt like my head was about to implode," he muttered.

Kay glanced back and forth between the two guys. "So what happened here? If you don't mind me asking."

Brian looked at Seth, as if waiting to see his reaction to the question. Seth stayed quiet though, and his eyes were downcast. The PCA cleared his throat. "So it’s like this", he started to explain. "When you get stung by a wasp, it hurts, right? Which serves as a signal to our brain that something‘s wrong. And then usually your brain lets your body know that there's nothing to worry about, keeping your nervous system from freaking out."

"Ah, but when the signal's not working..." Kay uttered in understanding, and Brian nodded:

"When the signal's not working, the nervous system goes into alarm mode and isn't able to calm down. And that’s when blood pressure goes dangerously high."

She licked her lips, pausing. "But wait, how can that even happen when he can't feel anything in the first place?"

"Because HE can't", Seth spoke up hoarsely. "But his body still can."

She frowned at the slight irritation in his voice, and he made an effort to take on a friendlier tone when he added: "If that makes sense."

"Right", Kay nodded distractedly, then hesitated. "Does this happen a lot?" Part of her was afraid of the answer. 

"From time to time", Seth mumbled. "But it's usually not half this bad."

She winced all the same and, chewing her lip, studied him worriedly.  

"Don't look at me like that", he said softly, and Kay blinked, averting her eyes. 

Brian, stepping around the wheelchair, broke an uncomfortable silence. "BP's almost back to normal. How are you feeling?"

Seth shrugged weakly. "I'm ok." He rolled his neck a little on the headrest, as if trying to release some tension. "Gonna try and sit up."

Brian moved the control straw closer to his face, and Seth had the seat slowly move back up from its tilted angle. He paused halfway through the process and drank some Gatorade – yet another thing Brian had brought out of the bottomless backpack. 

A few minutes later, he was sitting almost fully upright, and Brian eyed him critically. "Not feeling dizzy?"

Seth shook his head, though he did still look a little pale. His eyes darted over to Kay who had just been standing there, waiting. "Sorry about all this", he said, sudden embarrassment flashing up in his face.

"Don't apologize", she said softly, shaking her head at him. She watched as Brian put the blood pressure device away into the backpack – finally! – and then took care of Seth's arms. They had come halfway off the armrests during a spasm when the seat had moved up, and both his hands were hanging limply from the wrists now; oddly flat, almost rubbery. Images flashed up in her mind again; memories of arms and hands that had looked so very different and had felt so strong in their touch. Kay blinked. As Brian was repositioning the unresponsive limbs onto their designated places, she took notice of how he did so with real care, notwithstanding the fact that Seth couldn't feel any of it. ‘But his body still can.’ 

Abruptly, she felt Seth's gaze on her. He was asking her something, she now realized, and again, she had been too busy staring at his changed body to hear him. She blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I said, do you want to go back to the café." He raised his eyebrows at her.

Kay shrugged. "Only if you want to."

He snorted slightly. "Take a guess."

"Then it's a no."

Seth looked relieved. "Sit by the water for a bit?

She smiled, giving him a nod. "Gladly."

Part Two: Hot Potato

It had been a long time since he'd last felt this embarrassed. How had a meeting with Kay – of all people – had turned into a big demonstration of quadriplegic health issues? This was a woman he had history with, a woman he had picked up and thrown onto the bed, to whom he'd made passionate love. Whom he had used to dance with all night long and run through a rainstorm. And now, at their first hangout in years, she had gotten to see him moan in pain and almost pass out, tended to by his personal care assistant like the utterly dependent and fragile patient that he was. 

Seth had not wanted her to know about these things; about how fucked up his body truly had become. The paralysis and the dependency that came with it were things he could not hide, but his health issues were a whole other level – one he didn't like to show to, well, basically anyone except his care team. 

But that was his issue, he knew that. Of course Kay was allowed to ask about the AD, and of course it had been ok that Brian had explained it to her. Seth was just glad he hadn't needed to do it himself.

They went for one of the benches where Brian had been sitting earlier. He retreated to give them some privacy again. "I'm gonna get us something to eat", he said, which was code for: "You need something in your system ASAP."

Which was true – this had been the worst AD Seth had ever gone through, and he felt drained and a little lightheaded. 

At the bench, Kay sank down with a plop, looking kind of worn out herself. He maneuvered his chair into the spot right next to her, and she glanced at him, still with that worry in her eyes. It was a look that really pulled at his heart, but not in a good way. 

"Are you ok now?" she asked softly.

Seth smiled awkwardly. "I am. Don't worry."

"Good thing Brian was here."

He nodded. "Guy knows what he's doing."

"How long has he been with you?"

Seth glanced over. "Since the beginning. He was my main nurse in rehab."

"Wow," Kay's brow was lifting in surprise. "So you... poached him from there?“

With a shrug, he smirked. "Sort of." 

Coming by good PCAs with full availability was virtually impossible, as he had quickly found out when he'd started looking. The only two solid applicants had been Roberta and Greg – who'd both had other clients already and would only be able to cover part-time. His parents had tried insisting that they would take on the other weekdays, but for Seth, that had never been an option. The moment he'd realized how much his care actually involved, he had made the decision that his family should not be the ones to do it. The only exception he had agreed with was for his parents to be instructed in his care in case of emergencies, and it was ok that on weekends, it would be them turning him in the night. Other than that – no, they were not to be involved. When Seth had asked Brian if he would like to come work for him, it had been more a desperate joke than anything else. But Brian had agreed immediately, swiftly putting in his notice to the rehab center. 

"You seem like a really good match", Kay now remarked. "More like friends actually."

"We are friends," Seth nodded. "And we work really well together. I got lucky."

They sat in silence for a moment, letting their gazes wander over the bay. Kay looked at him. "You just scared the shit out of me, you know that?"

Yeah. Seth reciprocated her gaze, but he was quiet. After a long pause, he said: "I know this is... a lot. Thank you for handling it so well."

She just shook her head at him, frowning, like he was talking nonsense.

"You are," he insisted. "Not least because you're still here."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Oh Kay. For so many reasons. Seth studied her affectionately. He knew she thought she'd been doing everything wrong, by being shocked about things and repeatedly staring at his atrophied body –while in truth, she was doing so very, very well. 

She had been genuine all the way. From that moment she had seen him at the house, through this whole meeting right here, up to him being a sweaty, moaning mess just now. Not one second had Kay tried to act like all of it was no big deal, or that she didn’t see his disability. Nor had she shied away from addressing it. Unlike some other people in his life, who tended to treat the subject more like a hot potato, dancing around it in every conversation and interaction. They thought it was best to pretend he wasn't disabled at all; that acknowledging it would be insensitive. While actually for him, it was the other way around. Pretending that he was just good old able-bodied Seth – that was hurtful to him. 

Kay was looking out onto the water. "So how has your family been doing with all this?"

Seth licked his lips. "My parents were supposed to go on a long world round trip. As a celebration for their fourty-year anniversary." He paused, staring at his knees. "They had to cancel everything. Overturned all their plans for my dad's retirement, gave up half their house…" With a half-smile, he looked at Kay. "They've been amazing all the way through. But," he shrugged weakly. "I know it's been very hard on them, too. It's a process.“

Her eyes searched his face. "And where are you at in that process?" she asked softly.

Seth hesitated. Where was he at? Hanging in there. Taking it day by day. Slowly rebuilding a new life. "I‘m not sure", he eventually mumbled, blinking. "Luke took it the hardest", he then abruptly, intentionally diverted the focus away from himself. "He really struggled a lot with it. Still does sometimes."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I'm his big brother", he said, absentmindedly looking down on himself. "I wasn’t able to… be there for him, for a long while. And seeing me in that state… I think that kind of shattered his world." 

Kay winced in empathy. "How old is he now? About… twenty-five, right?"

Seth nodded. "Twenty-four."

Kay sighed. "So young." She shook her head in amazement.

He chuckled. "We're getting old, Kay."

"Tell me about it."

He looked at her with a fond smile. "We were around Luke's age when we met. You were only twenty-three."

Kay uttered a nostalgic sigh, sinking deeper on the bench and resting her elbows on the back of it. "Would you do anything differently if you could go back?" she mused. "If you were that young again?”

He would have appreciated to have a fully working and healthy body in a world that was designed for walking people. Also, that one other thing: "I would ask you out. That's what I would do differently."

Kay blushed, trying to hide her smile by biting down on her lips. He loved it when she made that face. A long pause stretched between them, until she uttered another sigh. "Why did it take us so long to hook up back then, Seth?"

He swallowed. She had asked him that question before. "Bad timing," he said awkwardly. "With both of us always dating someone."

"But we weren't," Kay argued. "There were always periods when we were both single." 

Seth rolled his shoulder, wincing when he realized how sore it felt. "I guess I had this subconscious fear of possibly losing you." He glanced at her. "And in a way, I was right. Look what happened to us."

Kay held his gaze, sitting up and shifting on the bench to turn her body towards him. "That's because I was an idiot", she said quietly. "And because you met Sophie." Looking down, she added: "You know what I would have wanted then."

But it was too late for that, Seth thought. As it is now. He clenched his jaw, not sure about what to say.

Kay licked her lips. "If staying friends would have been the only way to…," she shrugged awkwardly, not finishing the sentence. "It was never an all or nothing thing for me."

Seth looked at her, his heart feeling heavy. "But somehow it turned out to be just that, didn't it", he told her softly. 

Kay kneaded her fingers. She took a shaky breath, and her voice was small when she spoke again. "I never wanted to lose you."

He could see the way her jaw tightened and her chin trembled ever so slightly, and he wanted nothing more than to put his arms around her. He also wanted to tell her that she hadn’t lost him, but for some reason he couldn't get himself to say the words, because they almost felt like a lie. Eventually, he tore his eyes from hers, looking down.

They both almost startled when Brian suddenly stood before them, holding up a paper bag. "Who's hungry? I've got two banana and two bacon muffins."

Seth blinked, looking up distractedly. "Right. Thanks Brian."

Kay cleared her throat and gave Brian a smile. "Sounds great."

He held out the bag to her, and she fished out a banana muffin. Then he looked over. "Seth?" 

"Bacon, please." 

The PCA nodded, and then gazed at him with a silent question; one which Seth understood perfectly: ‘Do you want me or her to do it?’

Seth licked his lips. Not her. "Kay", he said. "Can you scoot over?"

It apparently took her a beat to understand why she was supposed to do that. "Oh," she mumbled sheepishly, "sure," then made room so that Brian could sit between her and Seth.

They ate in silence. Seth could feel Kay’s eyes on him – or rather, on Brian and how he was feeding the muffin to him. He knew it was fascinating to see for others how they were able to do it without any words exchanged. It was what made Brian such an amazing nurse and aide: He always knew without asking what his patient needed or wanted. Like for example another bite from that pastry, or a sip of water. 

When Seth was done eating, Brian softly cleared his throat. "We should get going soon." He gave him a telling look. 

Seth sighed in dismay, but he knew he was right. He needed to be out of the chair and horizontal half an hour ago. If this meeting had been with anyone other than Kay, he and Brian would have gone straight home the moment the AD had been dealt with. "Yeah", he mumbled, then furtively glanced over to Kay. She was staring at her half-eaten muffin, an uneasy look on her face. It gave him a pang.

He threw Brian a discreet look, and the other man nodded almost imperceptibly, standing up from the bench. “I'm just gonna… be over there by the sculpture." 

Seth waited until Brian was out of earshot. "You're right," he spoke up softly. "It shouldn't have been all or nothing with us. And Kay," he swallowed. "You didn't lose me, ever. Even when it seemed like it."

Her face lit up as she grinned shyly. "I'm glad. ‘Cause I like having you in my life."

Seth nodded earnestly. "I like having you in my life, too." He paused, then managed to produce a smile. "Still friends?"

He didn't miss how she subtly flinched at the word, how her gaze slipped for only a fraction of a second. But then she blinked and smiled back. "Of course. Always."

Part Three: Six Years Earlier

Kay had been in London for almost two months. The job was demanding, but that was exactly what she had wanted. After having been so thoroughly underused and unappreciated by her previous employer, it felt like a breath of fresh air to be challenged daily, to feel dead tired in a good way by the end of each day.

It was Saturday morning, and Kay was lazily sitting on the sofa of her tiny city apartment, not entirely sure of what to do with her weekend. She hadn't made many new friends to hang out with, not yet. The weather was bad – right at this moment at least. It might change into blue skies and sun any minute. You never knew in England.

Her phone ding-ed. A text from Seth. 

"Hey you. Don't know if you're maybe still asleep over there. Just saw this and had to take a picture – it made me think of you. 

x Seth"

The photograph was of a graffiti on some brick wall. It depicted a small flower trying to pull its roots out of the ground, making an exasperated face. And above it, a speech bubble said: "I think I'm stuck."

Kay smiled. Then smiled more and eventually was grinning like a baboon. She had no idea what it was about this particular text message that made her feel what she was feeling right now. She did know though that there were butterflies in her stomach, and something warm and fuzzy spreading through her chest.

Oh... shit. 

She plopped down flat on the sofa, staring at the ceiling with her mouth open, heart beating fast with bafflement. Kay, you idiot.

Seth, her Seth. She wanted him to be her Seth. 

The feeling didn't go away. Not for days; not for weeks. Thinking of Seth and missing him had taken over Kay's mind, to the point where she even lost her appetite. Her tight and stressful work schedule was the only real distraction that worked, and she welcomed it gladly. Because whenever she was free, her mind started swimming. 

She couldn’t believe she'd been able to push it down for so long, to not have realized it much earlier. That stupid dating game in the past few years; those half-assed relationships here and there – all those men had never really meant anything to her. Not in the way he did. 

Over and over again, Kay played in her head the four months before she had come to London. Now she saw the sex she'd had with Seth for what it was and had been from the very first time: Making love. 

And Seth had known it. He had seen what the two of them truly were – which was not just friends. Now Kay kept remembering his face in that boho bar a few days after their first hookup, how he had shyly alluded to being ready for a relationship with her. And how she, the chicken that she was, had convinced him – and herself – that their friendship was more important. Now she was sitting in London, thousands of miles away. And so unbelievably fucking ready to be with him.

Three more months to go. She hoped she wasn't too late.

"Hey Stranger." Seth's dimples showed adorably through his three-day beard as he grinned at her, and Kay's body felt electrified all over when they hugged. Holy shit, was he gorgeous. She'd always known it, but she had never felt it like in this moment right here. Inhaling his scent with butterflies in her stomach, she held onto him until he pulled back. "You look good", he said.

Kay beamed at him. "I've missed you."

He took a seat on his bar stool. "Tell me everything. How was it?"

"It was great", she said, sitting down herself. "I've learned so much. Design-build is totally my thing, I think."

Seth grinned in satisfaction. "Could have told you that."

Kay laughed. "You did tell me that." She paused, licking her lips. "They offered me a permanent position."

His face lit up like he was truly happy to hear it. "That's amazing!"

"I haven't said yes. Not yet."

Seth frowned in bewilderment. "You should absolutely say yes. What's keeping you?"

You. Kay cleared her throat. "Well, you know. Just… I'm not sure I want to be permanently away from… here."

They ordered their drinks – same old beer for Seth and same old Amaretto Sour for Kay. When they clinked glasses, she teasingly gazed into his eyes. "What shall we toast to?"

He smiled. "To new opportunities."

Hesitantly, Kay nodded. "To new opportunities." After taking a long sip, she expectantly looked at him. "So what's new with you?"

Seth put down his glass. "I've met someone."

And there it is. Averting her eyes, Kay quickly took a long gulp of her cocktail. She didn't want him to notice he had just put a dagger in her heart. "Oh?", she uttered, trying to sound casual. "A new girlfriend?"

He nodded. "It's still very fresh though. A few weeks."

Maybe there's still hope. "What's her name?"

"Sophie. I met her at a brunch at Eddie's house. She's an old classmate of his."

"So…," Kay nervously fingered her earlobe. "Is this something serious?"

Seth shrugged awkwardly, smiling. "Who knows. We'll see. But yeah, she's… she’s really cool." He grinned boyshly when he said it, and the dagger in Kay’s heart twisted.

After the bar, they went to a lounge club. She'd had three more drinks by then, for once welcoming the numbing feeling of the alcohol. "Seth", she said, when they were both comfortably leaning back on an oriental-style sofa with dozens of throw pillows. "I have regrets."

"About?" His gaze was clueless and innocent.

Their shoulders were touching, and Kay playfully bumped hers against his. "About us."

Seth's face fell. He bit his lip. "About us sleeping together?"

With a sad smile, Kay shook her head. "About not doing it sooner."

He paused, then his mouth opened as if he was about to say something – only to close again. Eventually, he sighed. "I regret that, too."

She looked at him longingly. "What took us so long?"

In response, he simply shrugged, uttering another sigh, and his hand was on her thigh. Kay bit her bottom lip as she fought the urge to touch him back. "I was stupid", she said with a shake of her head. "I made myself think that just being your friend was all I needed, that going for it was too big of a risk."

Seth's brow furrowed slightly. "Going for what?"

"Us being together, genius."

At that, he closed his eyes in reflex, and his jaw hardened. She knew what he was thinking. He was thinking her timing was as bad as it could get. 

"I know my timing sucks", she mumbled.

Now Seth looked at her with those fucking dreamy eyes of his. "Oh Kay”, he sighed. "We should have taken the plunge, long ago." His thumb was gently stroking where his hand rested on her thigh. 

For a long moment, they just gazed at each other, and Kay knew that if she kissed him right now, he wouldn't have the willpower to pull back. Every fiber of her wanted to, and his touch on her leg felt like fire and honey. But she stayed still, waiting for the moment to pass. Because it wouldn't have been right – Seth had a girlfriend now.

The next day, she emailed her boss in London to let him know she was going to take the job.

To be continued...