The One Who Got Away –CH 12

Chapter 12

Part One: No Such Manual

The day was too long, the hours passing sluggishly like molasses, and there was not much to do. Work on the computer was not an option today, because Seth's blood pressure was acting up and he needed to stay in bed. 

Greg blamed the antibiotics. He was generally suspicious when it came to heavy medication – which, considering his line of work, was kind of funny. "I tell ya, that stuff is no joke," he'd said. "Messes up everything."

Who knew, maybe it actually was the antibiotics. Or remnants of the UTI, or something else – it wasn’t like this had never happened to Seth before. It didn't matter anyway; fact was that he had been lying here flat like a pancake for a felt eternity. Between dictating emails on his phone, dozing off for a while and listening to podcasts, there really wasn't much else to do for him than wait. Wait for 6 pm, which was roughly when Kay would be here. 

His Kay. Crazy. When waking up, Seth had actually wondered for a moment if the day before had only been a dream. It had been such a whirlwind of emotions; so unexpected and overwhelming that he hadn't even been able to process it all. 

"Missing you like crazy",

she had texted him in the morning. He had probably needed that. Otherwise he might have gone into a spiral of doubt, because – as much as he hated to admit it to himself – a part of him was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Seth knew he was supposed to just be happy. And he was. But that didn't change the fact he was also kind of terrified. 

Which had nothing to do with Kay. It was about him being freaked out by this whole scenario. The scenario of Kay and him actually being together. What irony. Being with Kay was what he had wanted for years; what he had always wanted. And he wanted it now, more than anything. But the thing was: He had no idea how to be in a relationship now, not anymore. It hadn't even been two years since his injury. He had barely figured out how to be Seth like this, and now he needed to figure out how to be a partner, too. 

He wished there'd been a manual for this; guidelines. 'How to be a severely disabled boyfriend', or 'Being in a relationship when you can't move 101'.

Well, there was no such manual, and as of now, he was a boyfriend who had to lie in bed a lot and had a habit of falling asleep on the love of his life. God.

"Thinking of you"

he texted Kay, then he called out for Greg.

The aide appeared in the doorway shortly. "Whaddya need?"

"I'm gonna try sitting up again." Seth turned toward the sip ‘n puff control to his right, finding that it was not as close as it should have been. Laboriously, he started inching his head toward it. 

Greg stepped next to the bed. "Want help?"

'No, I've got it," Seth mumbled, pushing his left shoulder back with a grunt to help his neck along. "Just move my phone out of the way, will you?"

Greg swayed the phone fixture to the side while Seth finally was able to fish for the control. He pulled it closer, then went ahead to puff into it, and the head of the bed started going up.

Greg watched, hands on his hips. "Know what ya should do? Eat spinach. My Sally says it helps to strengthen the heart."

Seth raised an eyebrow. "Wasn’t it lemon juice last week?"

The other man sheepishly scratched his shoulder. "Yeah… apparently spinach is even better. Sally read it somewhere."

Seth knew how much Greg liked to talk about his girlfriend. Especially about her health and lifestyle advice. Which was for example that antibiotics messed everything up. Or that lemon juice, uh, spinach could get rid of blood pressure issues. "Your Sally is a resourceful lady," Seth remarked kindly, stopping the sitting up process.

"Sure is," Greg nodded proudly. "And so smart I can't keep up." He put a hand on Seth's knee when a spasm made it pull up abruptly. "I tell ya, my ex-wife never made me feel this way."

Seth nodded. Greg had told him, many times. How he had been a truck driver for over twenty years, living in an unhappy marriage, and how he had then met Sally who had changed his "view on the world". How he had gotten a divorce, quit his job and had decided to go for an entirely different line of work – which was what he was doing right now: Measuring a quadriplegic’s blood pressure. "I guess that's more or less acceptable for now," Greg mumbled when the device beeped, showing Seth the display. "Feeling alright?"

Seth nodded. Ok, maybe he was feeling a little lightheaded. But that was nothing he couldn't handle. "Can you pull me up a bit?"

It was funny – with Brian, Seth wouldn't have even needed to ask. Because Brian would have noticed right away that his body had slid down during the sitting up process. He would have just repositioned Seth without any words, instinctively knowing how to adjust his pillow after.

Greg wasn't like that; he always needed a lot of instructions. Which was fine – not everyone could be a Brian. Greg was still a good aide; reliable and gentle. And very strong, which was a plus. "Good?" he now asked, having pulled Seth further up on the mattress.

"Can you adjust the pillow?"

"Higher or lower?"

"Higher … Not that high… Yep, exactly. Thanks."

Greg placed a few supporting cushions underneath Seth’s limbs, moved the phone in front of him, leaned the mouthstick onto his chest and then took his blood pressure again. "Holler if ya start feeling weird or something," he commented, then left the room.

There was a new text from Kay:

"This day is going way too slow…"

 

Seth smiled.

"Tell me about it"

 

"What are you doing?"

Sitting up in bed the first time today. Having my blood pressure checked every ten minutes. Feeling nervous about being a quadriplegic boyfriend.

"Trying to work but my mind keeps wandering. can't wait to see you"

 

"Sounds exactly like what I'm doing. Miss you"

 

Seth let out a long breath, glancing at the clock on the wall. Three and a half more hours to go. 

He composed another work email, replied to his parents’ newest photos – from Seoul, currently – and then did some online browsing for flower delivery services. Peonies. The fragrant ones.

Thinking of things that smelled good, Seth suddenly realized he hadn't had a shower in days. God. And yesterday Kay had cuddled with him. Wasn't his hair all greasy by now? At least he didn't stink – not being able to sweat had its upsides. Still, he felt grubby. "Greg?"

The PCA stuck his head in. "What's up?"

"I'd like to shower."

Greg gave him a strange look. "Now?"

"Why not now?"

He stepped next to him. "Think that's a good idea today? With that messed up BP?"

Seth shrugged. "I've been sitting up for almost an hour now with no issues."

"But it's still damn low."

"Greg," Seth raised his eyebrows at him. "I need a shower."

The other man threw up his tattooed arms. "You're the boss."

The warm water streaming down his head and shoulders felt amazing. It was something Seth savored every single time. Sensations in general were scarce for him these days – especially pleasant ones. He got more than enough of the other kind: pain, soreness, discomfort. So things like warm water on his skin or gentle hands massaging his scalp were all the more intense, and he enjoyed them more than ever. Ok, Greg's hands weren't exactly gentle as he was working shampoo into his hair right now. Can't have everything. Closing his eyes, Seth thought back to the way Kay had touched him. To that incredible feeling of her fingertips caressing every spot on his head and neck, to how it had almost taken his breath away. The water started streaming down his face as Greg rinsed the shampoo out, and Seth listened to the dripping and whooshing in his ears, as it grew louder and then distant…

"Seth. Hey!" Greg was grabbing and patting his face. Why was he doing that? "Wait a second, wait a second," the PCA mumbled hastily, then bent down to grab Seth's feet. He held his legs up as high as possible, eying him critically. "Better?"

"What?" Seth slurred, blinking at him. His face tingled.

"Ya just turned white as a sheet. Thought ya were gonna pass out."

"Uhm." Actually, when had Greg turned off the shower? "I think I need to go lie down." 

The other man scoffed. "Ya think?"

Greg didn't even bother using the Hoyer lift. "Takes too long." He swiftly transferred Seth onto the bed, then immediately took his blood pressure. "Told ya this wasn't a good idea. Why would you wanna shower today of all days?"

Seth smirked at him. "At least I'm cleaned up now." Mission accomplished in that regard.

"Yeah, cleaned up and pasty like a bowl of dough," the PCA grumbled, rolling him over to dry off his backside. Seth sighed into the mattress. Greg was always being kind of dramatic when things like this happened. He was fine now, wasn't he? Too bad it was back to pancake mode though. 

After drying him off, applying lotion all over his body and putting a fresh pair of boxers on him, Greg was about to pull up the covers.

"Wait," Seth said. "I want to put on clothes."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. The navy blue polo shirt. And those beige pants."

Greg scratched his balding head. Because usually, when Seth needed to spend the day in bed, they didn't bother with getting him fully dressed. He started opening drawers. "Expecting visitors?"

Yes, my girlfriend. "Kay is coming over."

Greg raised an eyebrow as he gathered the fabric of one pant leg, then put his hand into it to pull Seth's foot through. "You two having a date or something?"

Seth smirked. "Or something." One could hardly call it a date, not even a lame excuse for one, with him still lying in bed like this. A date would have been with him in the chair, for one. And definitely some place other than his bedroom. This right here was not even close to what he wanted for Kay. Ugh. Nervousness crept up on him. 

She looked so beautiful when she walked in. Her dark blond hair was tied into a loose yet carefully arranged knot, and she was wearing a cream-colored sleeveless chiffon blouse, hints of her lace bra discreetly visible underneath the sheer fabric. And she had put on lipstick for him, rose-colored one. 

They silently gazed at each other for a second, and Kay's cheeks reddened, her eyes sparkling. All these past weeks, Seth had been confused by this particular look on her face, and now he finally knew what it was – the look of love. 

Wordlessly, she took a seat on the edge of the bed. Bending down, she grabbed Seth's face and slightly turned it toward her, because he was on his side.

"I was planning to be up," Seth mumbled between kisses. "But… I couldn't."

"Doesn't matter," she murmured, her fingers combing through his hair. Seth melted. God, she was everything.

They gazed into each other's eyes with a smitten look, then Kay shook her head in amazement. "I don't know how I survived so long without this. How I managed to see you every other day without being able to kiss you and tell you that I love you."

Seth smiled. "I know the feeling." He nodded his chin at her ever so slightly; a mainly unconscious move that Kay seemed to understand, because she leaned down for another kiss. 

After a while, Kay sat up and mustered him quietly, her eyes scanning his still form and the bed. "What do you think," she contemplated. "Could I climb in behind you and be your little big spoon?"

"Uh," Seth licked his lips. 

"Not enough room over here," Kay patted the mattress on his front's side, where she was currently sitting. 

"Sure, if you like." Jesus, don't fall over yourself, Bell. What the hell is wrong with you.

Good thing that Kay didn't seem to take his lack of enthusiasm personally – she smirked at him. "It will be nice, you'll see." She stood up and circled the bed, and Seth turned his head as far as it went, watching her over his shoulder. He heard how she kicked off her shoes, then there was rustling when she climbed in and removed the cushion in his back. "Hi," she grinned as she leaned over him for a second, placing a kiss on his cheek. Then she disappeared behind his back. Her breath tickled his neck, and he tried to imagine the feel of her body as it pressed against his, of her breasts touching his shoulder blades. Somehow it didn't work. He attempted a deep breath. Relax. 

"Can you feel here?" Kay now asked, and he had no idea what she was talking about, so that was a No. She seemed to get what his hesitation meant, because her hand came to rest on the top of his shoulder. 

"Nothing in my back," Seth said, and after a pause added: "In the front it stops about an inch below my collarbone."

He felt a distant bump in his upper arm when Kay sneaked her hand underneath it, aiming for his upper chest. She ran her fingers along his clavicle; a feeling that excited and unsettled him both at once. "So, here?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Does it stop abruptly or…?"

He nodded hesitantly. "On my right side yes. On the left it kind of… fizzles out."

He knew a ton of follow-up questions were probably popping up in Kay's head, and part of him felt bad for not offering more of his own accord. The other part however was grateful that right now, she didn't ask any further. Instead, her lips were on the back of his neck with light kisses, leaving goosebumps on his skin. Seth closed his eyes with a shaky exhale. How could something be this amazing and scary at once? Kay, his Kay was kissing his neck, her breath tickling his ear. But here he was, unable to fully let go, to fully and completely enjoy it. Instead, he kept thinking how much he would have wanted to roll over and hold her; kiss her – to give her literally anything instead of just lying here so passively. 

Crazy. He had never felt like this – this torn between happiness and trepidation. Actually, torn wasn't even the right word – it was simply everything at once. Where was that manual when you needed it?

Part Two: Girlfriend 

Kay let her lips wander up the scar on the back of Seth's neck, and he squirmed slightly, as far as that was even possible for him. He was quiet today. Well, he was often quiet, but that was different. Right now, Kay could virtually hear the wheels turning inside his head. She buried her nose in his hair, deeply inhaling the scent of manly shampoo. "You smell nice."

He chuckled softly but didn't say anything. Kay shifted up a little, putting her chin on the top of his bony shoulder so she was cheek to cheek with him. Seth's arm spasmed jerkily, sliding from the cushion underneath it, hand buckling over. Kay gently lifted it back up, momentarily entwining his unresponsive fingers with hers. It felt both familiar and foreign to hold hands like this, but it was nice. 

Seth was still much too quiet though, and she could feel him tense up ever so slightly under her. "Hey," she whispered with a silent question, her lips brushing his cheek.

He took a shallow breath, then he finally spoke. "It's going to take me some time to fully… get used to all this," he said softly. "Please don't think it has anything to do with you when I'm being… weird."

Kay playfully nudged him with the tip of her nose. "You mean like right now?"

Seth winced a little, and she placed a kiss next to his ear. "I understand," she murmured. "I already figured as much." Of course it would have been too good to be true for all those doubts and insecurities to simply disappear overnight. It had only been twenty-four hours since he had still attempted to push her away, after all. Twenty-four hours since he had broken down in front of her. She leaned up on one elbow, looking at him. "Is there anything I can do? To make it easier for you?"

Seth was shaking his head even before she had finished the question. "No, that's not..." He turned his face up toward her. "You're absolutely wonderful, Kay. I just have some… issues. And they're mine to deal with."

Kay chewed the inside of her cheek, studying him pensively. “Well... they might be your issues, but when they concern our relationship, they are actually ours to deal with."

Seth lowered his eyes with a silent sigh, and Kay let her fingers run into his hair. "We don't have to talk about it now. But we're in this together. I need you to let me in." He just swallowed, and she gently turned his face toward her again, her eyes fixating his. "Promise you'll let me in."

It was an almost shy look with which he glanced back at her, but also one full of love. "I promise. Now come here. I want to kiss you."

It made her feel all warm and fuzzy; how he was finding ways to initiate physical affection, and she leaned in with a smitten grin, letting her lips melt into his. 

"Oh!", Roberta exclaimed in surprise, when she came in some time after. "Now there's a sight that makes my old heart happy!" 

The couple on the bed smiled sheepishly, and Kay sat up. Seth chuckled. "Bertie, you're not old." 

"I'm fifty-seven next week, you know."

"And you look not even forty-five."

Roberta smiled at him happily, waving him off. "You and your charms." She threw Kay a telling look. "He's a keeper, I hope you know that."

Kay smiled down at Seth. "I've known that for a very long time." They shared a loving look.

Bertie cleared her throat. "So, I've got dinner ready." She looked at Seth. "And you should be on your back."

Seth nodded. "Let's do it." He silently peered at Kay, who now realized she probably needed to get off the bed. For a second, she was about to do what she'd always done in these moments: Leave the room and only come back once Seth was situated. But actually: Why? There was really no good reason for it.

So this time, when she slipped from the bed, Kay just walked over to the comfy armchair by the window, plopping down on it. Seth watched her with a slight frown, and Kay smiled. Don't look so surprised. Her leaving the room while he was merely being shifted – that had been before. Now things were different, weren't they. 

And so she watched how Roberta first removed the cushion between Seth's knees as well as the one supporting his top arm and then rolled him onto his back. "Need a stretch," she mumbled, when both his legs refused to straighten. The right knee was pulling upwards as if Seth was doing crunches – which was fascinating to Kay without end. Bertie pushed it toward the hip, grunting a little while visibly having to put her whole strength up against the rigid muscles. The whole thing looked like it probably would have been painful for Seth if he'd been able to feel it, but as it was, he didn't seem bothered by it at all. He did seem somewhat bothered by something else though – which was his girlfriend watching the whole thing. He didn't look at her once, obviously trying very hard to keep his eyes on his PCA or on the ceiling above him. Basically, he was trying to pretend Kay wasn‘t even here right now. She sighed silently. Patience. This was just him being 'weird', as he had put it. Can only get better. 

"Can you give me the control?" Seth asked Bertie once she had settled all his limbs and repositioned the pillow under his head. "I want to sit up a bit."

Roberta gave him a critical look. "Gonna measure first." She fished the blood pressure meter from the nightstand. So that was the issue today, Kay realized. Of course Seth hadn’t told her, and she hadn’t asked. Which was kind of unnatural if you thought about it, especially now that they were in a relationship.

When reading the results on the device, Bertie threw another silent glance at Seth, this time a scolding one – the look a mother would give her son for misplacing his homework or something. She wordlessly walked over to the dresser and picked up the flipchart on which they always kept notes and looked at the sheet. With a raised eyebrow, she glared back at Seth, then wrote the newest numbers down with a shake of her head. From the bed, Seth was chuckling. "Bertie, come on. It's not that bad."

Which only earned him another disapproving scowl. Damn, the woman really mastered those to perfection. "Only a little bit though, yeah?" she uttered when she finally moved the control in front of Seth's face. 

"Alrighty," Roberta turned to Kay, once Seth was slightly sitting up and she had placed another pillow behind his back. "I assume you're gonna do the dinner? So that you two lovebirds can eat in private."

‘Do the dinner’? It took a beat for Kay to understand. Right – what Bertie meant was feeding the dinner. With a half-smile, Kay winked at Seth. "Will you let me?"

He gave her a quizzical look, chuckling. "Of course." So apparently this was something he didn't feel 'weird' about. All the better. Because Kay was actually feeling sort of nervous herself. She had helped out with food before, but it had only ever been snacks and finger food she'd fed to him; like fruit, cookies or Sushi. Never a full meal from a plate.

"Pasta Carbonara," Kay mumbled as she carried in two servings from the kitchen. ‘Course it had to be something with a lot of sauce. She set the plates down on the small folding table Roberta had put up for her, then dragged her chair closer to the bed. 

Seth was watching her with an amused twinkle in his eyes. "Don't be nervous," he smirked. 

"What if I drop something onto the bed? Or on your shirt."

"Obviously the word is gonna end," Seth chuckled, shaking his head at her. "You'll do fine. Just put a napkin on me."

"Ok." Kay stuffed the paper cloth into his collar, then leaned down for a quick kiss. She smiled meekly at him. "You're gonna tell me how, right?"

He rolled his eyes with a grin. "It's not rocket science, Kay. Now let's eat before that food gets cold."

Alright, maybe it wasn't rocket science, but it definitely was some kind of science. The science of safely getting creamy pasta into the mouth of someone who wasn't even halfway sitting up. It took some figuring out, and while Kay never dropped any of the food onto the bed or onto Seth, she did manage to put some creamy sauce on the tip of his nose and on his chin. Which only made him laugh, and he patiently guided her with small instructions – a little higher, a bit lower, different angle. For a while, Kay was fully focused on getting it right, completely forgetting about her own plate. "You're supposed to eat, too, you know," Seth reminded her gently. "Slow down a bit. Relax."

She smirked meekly at him, finally taking a bite for herself. "Rookie mistake."

He chuckled, shaking his head. “There are no mistakes. You're not a trainee, you're just my girlfriend having dinner with me."

Kay's stomach somersaulted, and she bashfully bit her lips, gazing at him. "You have no idea what you saying that word does to me."

Seth gave her a shy smile. "I do have some idea."

Impulsively, she rose from her chair to give him a kiss. He welcomed it tenderly, tongue gently teasing her lips. Kay’s insides tingled and she had to suppress a moan. Fuck, how did he manage to put her whole body on fire merely by kissing her? She playfully took his lower lip between her teeth, and her fingers automatically roamed down his neck, exploring. Memories flooded in; of intense, passionate sex – no: lovemaking in the past; of their two bodies melting into each other…

Seth shuddered under her touch, the top of his shoulders pulling up with an erratic breath. But then, just like that, Kay could sense how he stiffened, faltering in his kiss, until he suddenly pulled back – or, more precisely: Turned his face slightly to the side, because pulling back while leaning against a pillow wasn't really feasible. "Pasta's getting cold."

Kay sighed silently. Who cares about pasta. She knew Seth certainly didn't, but obviously this was not about food getting cold. Patience. "Right," she smirked. "We don't want that." She sat back down on her chair, picked up Seth's fork and impaled a bunch of Fusilli.

She felt more relaxed now about the whole feeding process, not feeling the same rush and perfectionist drive as before. Now she also realized that it was just about alternating between herself and Seth, and after a while, she had gotten a better feeling for the rhythm of it all. Nonetheless, once both of them were done eating, Kay rolled her neck with a quiet groan. 

"Not exactly a comfortable seating position, I know," Seth remarked with an empathetic wince. 

"It's ok," she shrugged. "You're not gonna eat in bed forever."

He averted his eyes. "Yeah." After a pause, he glanced up at her with a shy smile. "Thank you for putting up with all my shit."

Seth. She threw him a reproachful look. "You don't have to thank me for –"

"What if I just want to thank you?"

Kay sighed, smirking wryly. "Ok, if you must." She got up from her chair and sat down on the edge of the bed, picking up his arm and laying it down on top of her lap. "Just so you know though,” she said teasingly. "It’s not 'putting up with shit' for me. It's simply being with you."

Seth nodded quietly, and they went silent for a moment, Kay absentmindedly playing with his curled index finger and thumb. 

"Come here." His deep, velvety voice breaking the silence felt to Kay like sinking into a pot of warm honey. Readily she nestled up against him, laying her head down on his chest. He placed a kiss on her head, then buried his nose in her hair. She could feel and hear him swallow, and she knew why. And for some reason, in this moment, Kay felt it too – the grief of not having his arms holding her right now; of his body being so utterly and completely indifferent to their shared affection. She pressed herself close to him, squeezing her eyes shut with momentary sadness, the steady beat of Seth's heart right below her ear.

His chin nudged the top of her head. If his arms had worked, he would have probably just pulled her up or lifted her chin. But nudging it was, and Kay understood. She sat up and met him at eye level, hands resting on his shoulders. They kissed tenderly, then touched foreheads. 

"As soon as I'm better, we're going on a date," Seth murmured. "A real one."

Pulling back, Kay beamed at him in surprise. "I would like that. Very much."

He smiled. "Something I've always wanted to do. Take you out."

"You've taken me out plenty of times," she chuckled. "More than I can count."

"Never on a date, though."

"True." Kay cupped his face, sighing. "So many things we have experienced together, but so many we still haven't, right? It all feels so… new."

Seth's eyes became serious. "Very new."

She stroked the dark stubble on his cheek. "Lots to explore yet."

He nodded, his gaze slipping for just a fraction of a second, and Kay placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I can't wait."

To be continued...