The One Who Got Away

Chapter 1:   Déjà Vu 

Twenty minutes too early. Of course. Not that Kay did it intentionally. It was simply that she always ended up early wherever she went. Others took it for a commendable quality; they assumed she was this reliable, highly disciplined person who would never make anyone wait.

In truth, it was just poor time management. For some people, that meant being notoriously late. With her, it was the opposite – being notoriously early. If you combined a poor sense of time with an ever looming panic to be late, that's what you got. 

Kay steered the car into Mulberry Lane. She knew this neighborhood, because she sometimes drove through here on the way to the firm when traffic was bad. Slowing down, she scanned the houses and soon spotted the property in question. The driveway was already blocked by two cars, one of them a huge black van, and she ended up parking a few paces further down against the sidewalk. 

She looked at her watch. Fifteen minutes. Kay sank deeper into her car seat and took out her iPad to check her email. She pulled up the one with the assignment details. Though one couldn't actually call that two-sentence message ‘detailed’.

"Assessment for remodeling after botched previous remodeling job", her boss had written. The clunky wording was typical for him; he was good at designing things, not at describing them.

This type of assignment was abundantly familiar to Kay. During the few months she had been working for Stettler & Ilk, half of her clients had been people who were unhappy with previous works done by other firms. It wasn’t exactly the kind of work that most architects associated with the highest prestige, but Kay liked it. She was fascinated with problem solving – the more complex the problem and the more intricate the solution, the better. It was one of the aspects that had initially drawn her to architecture and later to specializing in Design-build. As a general species, architects tended to be very theoretical in the way they approached projects. That wasn't Kay. She liked the practical, tangible side of her craft. 

Ten minutes. She adjusted the rearview mirror to check her hair and make-up, tucking a couple of dark blond strands back into her ponytail and re-applying some sheer pink lipstick. 

Five minutes. Kay looked at the two-story house in front of her again. Whatever kind of remodeling had been done here before had to be on the inside. There didn't seem to be any kind of annex, and the facade didn't look like it had been renovated recently. The only thing that looked newer than the rest of the house was the long teak ramp bypassing the three front steps. Maybe the remodeling had to do with accommodations for a physically disabled person.

The energetic woman greeting her at the door sure didn't appear to be disabled. She was maybe in her early sixties and looked perfectly healthy. Her handshake was firm.

"I'm Kay Martens from Stettler & Ilk.", Kay said, and the woman gave her a warm smile. "Cora Bell. Come on in."

"That's a beautiful home you have here", Kay remarked, stepping inside. "1920s?"

"That's exactly right", the other woman beamed approvingly, and Kay's gaze lingered on her face for a second, finding something oddly familiar about it. Even though she was positive she had never met the woman in her life. There was something about those features… Déjà vu, maybe? She cleared her throat. "Mr. Stettler mentioned you've had some work done to the house and now are not happy with the outcome?"

Cora Bell weighed her head. "Well, not exactly. The remodeling downstairs has turned out fine. The problem is the second floor.” She gestured towards the staircase. "Why don't I just show you."

Kay followed her up the stairs, while Mrs. Bell kept talking: "We had to move our study – or library, whatever you want to call it, up here, plus the contents of a whole hallway closet. And the space is just not… adequate."

She led Kay through one of the doors, and they stepped into, well, whatever it was supposed to be. Kay nodded. "I can see what you mean", she murmured, looking at the relatively small space filled up with bookshelves, an antique writing desk, an armchair and a huge cupboard – among other things.

"This used to be our elder son's room", Mrs. Bell explained, clasping her hands. "After he moved out, we kept it as a guest room for him." Her voice was sort of melancholy now. Had the son died? Or cut ties with his parents? In any case, this was apparently no longer a guest room.

"So all of this", Kay gestured around the room, "used to be downstairs at some point?"

Cora Bell cleared her throat. "Yes, well, the remodeling downstairs was to make space for a large bedroom and bathroom." She hesitated, but seeing the confusion on Kay’s face, elaborated: "My son has come back to live with us after an accident. And this room right here was not an option anymore, for several reasons."

"I see", Kay nodded. Now it made sense. The son was the disabled person living in the house. The one whom that teak ramp was for. "So what you would like to do up here is make this space bigger", she offered, because Mrs. Bell seemed kind of lost in thought, distractedly running a hand through her brown hair.

Now the woman nodded. "Yes, basically. Or rather, rearrange the whole floor layout, if possible. We're in dire need of a big walk-in closet up here, for example." She turned towards the door. "Let me show you the other rooms."

Next to the makeshift study was the master bedroom. "If we could get a connecting bathroom here, we wouldn't be unhappy." Mrs. Bell remarked, then led Kay across the hallway, where there was a small family bathroom and another bedroom. "This one needs to stay." Mrs. Bell explained. "For whenever our younger son is home from college. And we regularly have… staff staying the night."

Staff? This came as a surprise to Kay. Sure, this family was definitely well-off, but Cora Bell somehow didn't look like the type of posh woman who would employ housemaids or have live-in cleaning ladies. 

Kay took another thorough tour across the entire floor. She knocked on walls to see which ones could be removed, took measurements and photographs. When she told Mrs. Bell about what was feasible and what kind of layout she could envision, the older woman seemed very happy: "That sounds exactly like what my husband and I were thinking!"

Kay smiled in satisfaction. "Just out of curiosity", she inquired. "May I ask why you didn't have this done by the firm who remodeled the first floor?"

Cora Bell sighed. "Oh well, it all happened quite in a rush. We were fully preoccupied with getting accommodations ready for our son and didn't think much about…", she shrugged. "Anything else, really. As for the other firm, they did a good job, but they have a rather modern style." 

Kay nodded in understanding. "We’re going to make sure to not take anything away from the original style up here. It would be a shame to ruin the architecture."

"It would, wouldn't it? Actually, your firm was recommended to us for exactly that reason."

Kay smiled, nodding. Stettler & Ilk were well known for designs that fit in with a historical environment. "If you have some more time to spare, I could show you our conditions and calculate the approximate price range and time line for you." She patted her work bag.

With a nod, Mrs. Bell gestured towards the staircase. "Of course. Let us go to the living room, so we can sit."

They went back down to the first floor, and Mrs. Bell led her across the hallway and past a corridor Kay easily recognized as the part of the floor that had been redone, because it looked much more modern than the rest of the house. A few paces further along, a broad entrance that had once held a double wing door was leading into the living room. Kay spotted a large patio and lush gardens behind terrace doors. "This is lovely!" she remarked approvingly.

Mrs. Bell gave her a smile, looking over her shoulder as she walked on. "It feels much less stuffy than upstairs, doesn't it."

Kay followed her around a corner of the room. "Yes, it's... –". But she abruptly stopped in her tracks, glued to the spot.

His back to them, there was someone sitting in front of a mounted computer screen. The hair on the back of her neck stood up before she even had time to form a thought.

"Oh good, you're here", Mrs. Bell exclaimed, addressing whom was apparently her son. "You get to meet our new architect."

The tension he was radiating suggested he was just as frozen as Kay was. Slowly, he half turned his head in their direction, and Kay saw that particular greek profile – that nose, that mouth, that chin... She blinked hard. Once, twice. It couldn't be him. She had to be mistaken.

Like from afar, she heard how Mrs. Bell introduced them to one another – an introduction that was completely superfluous – but all Kay could focus on was him. He was now fully looking at her – as far as that was possible from his turned-away position. 

"Kay." Her name came out as a whisper, his widened eyes reflecting her own surprise, or rather: complete shock.

"Hi", she breathed, still not trusting her own eyes. Yes, that was really Seth sitting there. But it also couldn’t be. Because the Seth that she knew wasn’t in a wheelchair, a big power wheelchair at that. The Seth that she knew wasn't the son, who… Kay almost forgot how to breathe. 

Mrs. Bell was looking back and forth between the two of them in surprise, her tone somewhat uneasy when she asked: "You two know each other?"

Yes, they knew each other. More than knew, actually. Kay had never stopped thinking about him. About their friendship, about what happened after, and about what could have been. All those shared memories, all those feelings had stayed with her, unresolved. 

Of course she had thought about trying to find him ever since she'd been back from England. But for some reason she hadn’t. Maybe because she'd been afraid of another rejection. Or of another failed attempt at repairing what they had once had. 

And now, here they were, staring at each other in shock.

Seth hadn’t moved from his position, in fact he had not moved at all. But now he brought his head forward, aiming for something. It was some kind of bendable stick, or straw, attached and connected to the wheelchair. His lips closed around the tip of the thing – and with a low whirring sound, the chair was set into motion, slowly turning around.

It was as if the floor was being pulled out from under Kay, and she felt dizzy. Again, she blinked. This can't be real. 

He let go of the straw once the chair was directly facing her, and he leaned back. "We do", he answered his mother’s previous question, without taking his dark eyes off of Kay. "Though it’s been a while, right?" His gaze was intense and gentle at the same time, like it had always been. But there was also a vulnerability in there that was new.

"Four years", Kay uttered hoarsely, somehow gaining back control over her voice. Her eyes, heat burning behind them, ran over him in confusion. Seth’s once strong and dynamic body was still, limbs neatly supported on each side of the bulky chair. 

"What happened to you?" she heard herself whisper, her mouth feeling dry as a bone.

Seth swallowed uneasily. "Car accident. Broke my neck." He said it shyly, almost like an apology.

She opened her mouth, taking a breath. Cora Bell interrupted her when she laid a hand on her arm. Kay had all but forgotten about her presence. Now, again looking at her face, it was all too clear why the woman had immediately seemed so familiar. The eyes – Seth had her eyes. It had been déjà vu alright; the real kind. 

"I‘ll let the two of you catch up", Seth's mother was saying gently. "Why don’t you sit down, Kay. Would you like some tea?"

Tea sounded good, and sitting too. "That would be nice. Thank you." Kay managed to smile at her, her distracted gaze leaving Seth only for a millisecond.

Mrs. Bell nodded, then squeezed her son’s shoulder. "Something you would like, Honey?"

He briefly looked up at her. "Tea sounds good."

She disappeared into the hallway, and Seth and Kay were left staring at each other, still in some kind of shock. She was the one to break the silence, after taking another shaky breath: "When?"

"A little over a year ago", he said softly, then pointed his chin towards the sofa. "Come, let's sit over there." He leaned for that straw again, propelling the wheelchair forward, and Kay went ahead to the sofa, sinking down on the edge of it it with shaky legs. 

Seth halted the chair opposite the furniture so he was facing her. He looked fondly at Kay, heaving a shallow sigh. The muscles in his neck contracted strangely when he did so.

"So. You’re my mother's architect and I‘m crippled. What a twist, huh?" The smirk he was now giving her actually reached his eyes, and she detected that particular spark she loved so much. God, how she had missed him. 

"Seth", she uttered, after swallowing hard. "I had no idea."

A self-conscious flicker went across his face, but he didn’t reply to the comment. Instead, he lent her a smile. "You look good, Kay. How have you been?"

What could she even say to that, considering how he had been fairing? "Good", she replied sheepishly. "I've been good. Moved back here five months ago." Running a hand over her hair, she scoffed. "It's almost a wonder that we haven't… run into each other sooner. I live over in South River."

Seth’s eyebrows shot upwards. "You’re kidding."

Kay chuckled softly, shaking her head. "Crazy, right?" Her place was less than twenty minutes away.

"And…", she licked her lips. "You live here now."

He produced the hint of a shrug, looking down. "I needed new living arrangements, and my parents more or less insisted."

Kay swallowed. "So they…", she almost couldn't bring herself to say it. "They take care of you?"

Seth didn't seem to flinch from the expression like she had done. "No", he shook his head. "I've got professional care assistants for that, one of them working full time for me."

He didn't look like he wanted to elaborate, and Kay nodded wordlessly. Her mind was racing, swimming. Care assistants. Full time. That unmoving body of his. It all felt like some cruel joke, and a part of her somehow kept expecting Seth to jump up with jazz hands, yelling ‘Haha, just kidding!’

His mother walked back into the living room, setting a tray on the coffee table before pouring Kay some tea. There was a closed cup with a straw she then offered to her son, and he nodded. Kay almost felt sick seeing her hold the straw to Seth's lips, and him slowly taking a few sips. 

He let go when he was done, briefly looking up at his mother. "Could you move the control back?"

Wordlessly, Cora moved the stick towards the back of the wheelchair, so it was completely out of his face. "Need anything else?" 

He shook his head, lending her a quick smile. "Thanks."

Kay’s hands closed around her own tea cup, feeling the heat on her skin. Mrs. Bell looked at her, eyes warm. "Don’t worry about the paperwork. We can go over it next time." She gave her a reassuring smile, then turned and left the room.

Next time. Kay bit her lips. Right, she was here on a professional visit. Even though right now, she felt anything but professional – more like positively dumb. How had she not seen it right away? When she had rung the doorbell, or all the while she had been talking to her new client? The name was BELL, for fuck's sake. Sure, it wasn't the most uncommon name out there, but it also wasn’t Miller. A woman named Cora Bell who looked familiar and had two sons. It didn't get much clearer than that. 

"The family name didn't tip you off at all?" Seth asked. 

Mind reader. Shrugging, Kay shook her head. "Don't ask me how I managed not to put two and two together." She kneaded her fingers. "Besides, even with the name it wouldn't have crossed my mind that you could be the son who…", she trailed off and swallowed, words suddenly failing her.

"I know," Seth said quietly, his gaze slipping. 

"Your mom is very nice", Kay remarked, mainly to say anything at all, even though she really meant it. "She seems like a great woman."

"She is", he nodded, an absentminded look on his face. "Her and Dad had their whole life turned upside down because of me", he said. "I hate that they sacrificed basically half of their house. You've certainly got your work cut out for you up there."

While he was talking, Kay’s eyes automatically roamed over him. To say his body had changed would have been an understatement. For one, he was thinner. Or maybe it only appeared that way for the loss of muscle. Granted, Seth had never been chunky, but still truly well-built and athletic. Now his bare forearms were lying lifelessly on broad armrests, and they lacked their former definition and tonus. His hands, too, were more slender, skin soft, nails utterly unused. A few inches down from the armpits, he had some kind of clamps – or paddings – pressing against the sides of his chest, and there was a buckle belt across his lap, as well as straps over his feet, as if they needed restraint. His shoulders were still rather broad, but those muscles were gone. Instead, the joints looked almost bony. It was a body that no longer moved.

And yet, in many ways he looked the same, too. Kay was mesmerized by how intimately familiar his features were to her; every part of his face, as if she had just seen it the other day. His eyes were still deep, his brow still expressive and his dark hair still out of a shampoo commercial. He was still gorgeous, but more importantly, he was still Seth. Just paralyzed, apparently.

With a start she realized he had stopped talking, and those dark eyes of his were now shyly watching her. Caught in the act, Kay cringed. "Sorry, I…" she grimaced guiltily, rubbing her forehead. "I‘m staring. I just..." 

"It‘s ok", Seth interrupted her gently. Hesitating, he softly cleared his throat. "I can‘t move anything below my shoulders." With deliberate effort, he lifted both his shoulders in demonstration. The left one rose significantly higher than the right, which produced not much more than a twitch. "This is all I‘ve got", he commented awkwardly.

Kay bit her lip and nodded. So he really was completely paralyzed. A part of her had still hoped things might actually be less bad than they looked. She earnestly met his gaze. "Can you… feel anything?"

He produced a one sided shrug. "In my upper chest. And a little above the elbows, but it’s very… distant there. Below that, there’s nothing."

"Fuck Seth", she uttered, suppressing a sigh. "I’m so sorry."

A contrite smile twitched in the corners of his mouth. "Me, too." He looked down. "At least I’ve got neck control and am able to breathe on my own. Almost wouldn’t have been."

Kay eyed the scar at the base of his neck, unmistakably from a tube that had once gone in there. It was big and round, basically a mended hole. "You sound kind of different", she remarked. 

"My voice you mean?"

Kay nodded. It was still deep and of the same rich color, but just generally softer, as if he was lacking the strength for more.

"Yeah", Seth shrugged. "Less air to go with."

Kay had noticed how his ribcage didn't expand whenever he breathed. How instead, the top of his shoulders moved upwards ever so slightly with each inhale. And how the muscles in his neck seemed to be involved in the process, too.

She eyed him silently for a moment, chewing her lip "So, how are you doing? I mean..."

Seth's gaze slipped, and he swallowed. "You know." He responded vaguely. "Depends on the day." He made the attempt to add a smile. "I'm ok."

Kay's heart clenched. "Are you still with", – Whatshername – "Sophie?" she heard herself ask, and she wasn't sure which answer she dreaded more: That he was in this alone or that he was still with Whatshername. 

He shook his head. "That didn’t work out." Then he added: "A while before my injury." 

Good. Good that he hadn't been broken up with after his accident. And good that it hadn't worked out with Whatshername.

"How about you? Got someone?"

Kay couldn't help but laugh a little at the question. They'd had this exact conversation before. "Not right now", she shook her head. "I was in a relationship for two years, back in London. But yeah… didn't work out either."

Seth smiled lopsidedly. "So here we are again." 

As soon as he'd said it, Kay saw him flinch ever so slightly. As if he had just realized the possible innuendo in his words. 

She licked her lips, searching for something lighthearted she could say. Some flirtatious comeback, or a joke. But the look he had on his face right now was telling her that those would be the last things he needed to hear right now. 

So she went with earnesty. "I've always regretted that we stopped talking altogether", she admitted, looking into his eyes. "That our friendship was just kind of… over. I know it was a strange situation back then, but still." 

He was regarding her quietly, and a hesitant smile formed on his lips. "I agree. We should have found a way to at least stay in touch."

Whatever that would have looked like, Kay thought to herself.

They both startled when her phone buzzed with an alarm. It was a reminder for her next appointment. Kay grimaced. "Shit, I've gotta go." Hesitating, she looked down at her work bag, which was lying next to her on the sofa. That she was actually here on a professional visit suddenly seemed kind of surreal.

Seth appeared to read her mind, again. "You know, if you'd prefer to pull out of the assignment, I'm sure my mom would understand," he said, cocking his head to find her gaze. "In case it makes you uncomfortable."

Kay paused, but in bewilderment. "Don't be ridiculous, of course I don't want to pull out. Now I have even more motivation to do good work." She hesitated. "Unless you would prefer if someone else took over."

He quickly shook his head, chuckling. "'Course not."

Kay smiled and rose from the sofa. They were awkwardly gazing at each other, and his chair was kind of blocking her way, so she just stood there. "Let's not make the same mistake again", she suggested. "And stay in contact." After a second of hesitation, she added softly. "I've missed you, you know."

The last comment made his eyes dart up in surprise. He nodded hesitantly and allowed himself a smile. "Yeah, me too. Let's talk more soon."

"Can I have your number?" Kay asked, glancing at the phone that was mounted on an extension of his right arm rest.

Seth dictated while she typed the number into hers, and his phone buzzed when she called him to check. He nodded. "I’m gonna save it later." Kay silently wondered if he used voice commands for navigating his devices.

After a moment of silence, Seth glanced to his right, then up at Kay again. "Can you do me a favor and move this in front of me?"

It took her a second to understand he meant that control stick his mother had pushed out of the way before. "Sure." 

"Thanks", he said, once the straw was in his reach, and he brought his head forward to take it between his lips. The wheelchair rolled backwards, then turned. Kay watched shyly, then walked behind him towards the hallway. Yet another awkward silence would have ensued if not for Seth's mother, who came out of the kitchen to see Kay off. 

"... and please call me Cora", she added warmly when they were saying their goodbyes, and Kay promised to reach out later in the day to fix another appointment. Then Cora retreated, leaving Kay and Seth alone again.

Kay glanced at him. His eyes were downcast, and in the way his Adam's apple was bobbing, she could see he was struggling with some kind of emotional reaction. "So", she uttered and suddenly had to fight against a lump in her throat herself.

Visibly pulling himself together, Seth managed to meet her gaze. The look on his face was uncharacteristically shy for him. "I'm sorry about... you know, giving you such a shock."

Emitting a silent gasp, Kay stared at him for a second. Had he really just apologized to her for being paralyzed? "Don't be ridiculous," she said gently. "Let's fix something up soon, ok?“ 

He merely nodded, and somehow she had a feeling he didn’t really believe they would actually follow up on it. She swallowed. "Can I... hug you?"

His eyes widened in bafflement, making way for a smile. "Of course", he said. "It's not like I –"

Kay cut him off when she swiftly moved his control out of the way and bent down to sling her arms around his neck. Almost automatically, her hand gave the back of it a squeeze – an intimate gesture she had done in the past, but also the only way she could actually hold him without having to awkwardly wrap her arms around his immobile body. 

Seth couldn’t do anything to hug her back, except lean into the touch, and so they just stayed like that, the lump in Kay's throat dangerously pressing upwards. Feeling him so close and breathing in an intimately familiar scent she had never forgotten, she was being overwhelmed by a whole range of emotions – the realization of how much she'd actually missed him; the devastation over what state she had found him in; the grief over not having his arms wrapped around her right now.

"Different, isn't it“, Seth said, his voice hoarse.

"Only in part", she whispered, giving his neck another squeeze. Eventually she had to all but force herself to let go of him, but not before placing a light peck on his cheek. "Let’s talk soon", she said again, and he nodded wordlessly. They both mouthed a "Bye", then Kay finally forced herself to turn away and walk out the door.

She made it to her car just barely. With trembling hands she opened the door and got in, tossing her bag onto the passenger seat. 

Then she let the tears come.

To be continued...