The One Who Got Away – CH 11

Chapter 11

Part One: Quad Architect

Concentrate. Seth blinked at the computer screen in front of him. He knew trying to do some work wasn't the greatest idea right now. But he desperately needed a distraction. From being sick and, most of all, from thinking. His mind was with Kay, constantly. With all those little moments…

Concentrate. 

Seth was almost relieved when the video call application popped up on the screen – his boss was calling him. He gazed right at the green 'Accept' button, staring at it until it clicked. The slightly blurry face of his boss appeared. 

"Hey Dave."

"Seth. Just checking in to see if you got my email."

Seth nodded. "I've just read it. Wasn’t online yesterday, sorry."

"Not a problem," Dave waved off. "So what do you think?"

"Yeah, it," Seth cleared his throat. "It sounds good. I would love to do it."

His boss leaned in toward the camera, scratching his chin. "I'm hearing a but."

Smirking awkwardly, Seth shrugged his shoulder. "I'm a little worried about being able to meet the time frame, to be honest."

"You mean because of your limited hours?" Dave wrinkled his brow. "I don't see why that would be an issue. It's not like you'll be working the project alone."

"I know," Seth nodded. "It's just that I can't always count on actually doing my hours when I planned them. And I wouldn't want to lag behind the overall schedule all of a sudden."

The boss was shaking his head. "We talked about this when you came back. You just do however much you're able to, and we figure out the rest as we go along. Everyone in the team is aware of that, so if necessary, they will just plan around it."

Plan around me. Which was exactly what bugged Seth – that he was a special case. With special rules, special working conditions and co-workers showing special consideration for his special situation. He didn't want to be special. He just wanted to be a regular architect of the team with a regular output and regular reliability. With the same standards put upon him as before his injury. Of course he was glad to still be able to work. He loved his job, always had. And he was grateful for how after he’d been injured, the whole team had rallied around him, making sure to let him know they wanted him to come back whenever he'd feel ready to. But still – from time to time, Seth couldn’t help but feel like he was something of a charity case. Everyone in the firm made a point to include him in projects – like the boss right now, but it wasn't like he was able to contribute even half as much as before his injury. Not yet anyway. 

"I'll do my best that no workarounds will be necessary," he said to Dave. "We'll figure it out."

"So you're in?" 

"Absolutely."

"Glad to hear it," the boss nodded approvingly. "Eddie can forward you the client's proposal. I’ll let the two of you work out the details on how to proceed."

Seth nodded. "I'm gonna give him a call right away."

Eddie frowned into the camera when he picked up. "You look like shit."

"Gee, thanks."

"Are you ok?"

Seth shrugged. "Dealing with an infection. Nothing major."

Eddie simply nodded. Not many words were needed between such old friends like they were. "Have you seen Dave's email?"

"That's why I'm calling you. I just talked to him."

"Did he convince you? Are you in?"

Seth chuckled, giving him a funny look. "What makes you think I needed convincing in the first place?"

Eddie smirked lazily. "I know you."

"It's an interesting project. Would have been stupid of me not to take it." He shifted his shoulder.

"Ah, so you were hesitating."

Seth shook his head. "I just don't want our boss to give me assignments out of goodwill, that's all."

Eddie furrowed his brow in confusion. "Goodwill? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I'm not," Seth's friend shrugged with a snort. "Seriously – that's really what you think?"

Seth gave him a faint eye roll. "We all know I won't be able to put in the same hours as you and Christine. And it takes me longer to draw plans. So what's the point?"

The other man leaned back in his office chair, blowing out a long huff. "The point," he said, "is to have your talents in the project. To have your valuable point of view in our team. Jesus, Seth," Eddie shook his head in bewilderment. "I can't believe I even need to tell you this."

Seth uncomfortably rolled his shoulder. "Sometimes I'm just not sure anymore."

"Yeah," Eddie scoffed. "No kidding."

They were silent for a moment. Eddie scratched his head, slightly leaning closer to the camera. "You need to be over here more. In the office. This whole working remotely thing is messing with your head."

Seth couldn't help but laugh. "No, that's not what's messing with my head. What's messing with my head is being a quad architect who's able to contribute only a fraction of what he used to."

"It's not about how many hours one puts in. It's about having the right idea at the right time. Your words, Seth, not mine. Back in college, remember?"

Oh he remembered. If he could have, Seth would have rubbed his neck. Instead, he just rolled it. "Yeah I guess you're right."

"You need to get over this, Bell. Seriously."

"I know."

"But I still think you should stop by the firm more often." Eddie gave him a serious look. "It would help you feel more normal again." He cringed at his own wording. "Sorry, you know what I mean."

Seth smirked at him, nodding. "I'll come in next week. Let's set something up with Christine so we can put together first ideas."

"Sounds good. Has Dave forwarded you the proposal?"

"No, he told me you're supposed to do that."

"Of course he did."

Seth chuckled. "So, see you next week?"

Eddie hesitated, looking at him scrutinizingly through the camera. "You really do look like shit, you know. Need anything?"

Seth slightly rolled his eyes as he lent him a smile. "I'm fine."

"I could stop by after work."

He shook his head. "Not necessary. And Kay is already coming over."

The other man sighed, smirking lazily. "Of course she is."

"Stop," Seth chuckled.

Eddie held up both hands. "I didn't even say anything. You just do your… thing."

'There is no thing."

"I'll never understand that relationship between you two."

Tell me about it. Seth didn't understand it either. And with every day he and Kay spent together, it got more confusing to him. The intimate tension between them kept on growing, and it had reached a point now where it felt almost unbearable.

Kay kissing him had definitely made things worse. Much worse. Seth couldn't stop thinking about it. About how feeling her lips on his had been like coming home; about how much he had wanted nothing more in that moment than to pull her in his arms and hold her close forever. But also about how at the same time, it had felt so cruel. Did Kay even know what she had done to him with that kiss? What had she been thinking? Maybe she actually believed that they could go back to six years ago. She had talked of regrets – many times. Two days ago, four years ago, five years ago… was she still holding on to the idea of what could have been? Seth knew her well – she had always been bad at letting things go. She was persistent to a fault, his Kay. Which was one of the things he loved about her. But right now, her persistence scared him. It had taken him so long to get over her... well, maybe he had never truly gotten over her in the first place. And then his injury had happened, turning his life upside down – turning him upside down. Everything was different now, literally fucking everything. How could Kay not see that? How could she not know that they couldn't get back what had been lost? 

And yet, he couldn't let her go either. It had been hard enough to end that kiss and to push her away. There was no way he would be able to push her out of his life altogether. Because there was no one else like her; no one that made him feel the way she did. No one else he could never get enough of. No one who so obnoxiously and yet adorably insisted on being there for him even when he made it hard. No one else who would stay the night at his house without even asking first and miss work to sit in his bedroom for hours while he was sleeping. No one who smiled at him like she did; no one who made every mundane moment feel so precious and special. No one so beautiful inside and out. 

Yes, there was no saving him  – Kay was everything to him, and he had no idea where all of this would end. He just hoped she wouldn't disappear out of his life once she'd realize that he couldn't give her what she wanted.

Part Two: Forever

Kay didn't even bother going home first when she got out of the office. She wouldn't be able to stay very long today, because of an early meeting the next morning, and she didn't want to lose any precious time. That was what seeing Seth felt like to her – precious. One could also call it pivotal, essential, vital. Or simply: Everything.

When she got to the house, she ran into Brian first. He was in the kitchen, washing dishes, and Kay stepped in for a moment. "Hey Brian."

"Hey Kay, how are you?"

She took off her blazer, hanging it over the back of a chair. "I’m good, thanks." Giving him a look, she lowered her voice. "Seth?"

"Much better. He was in the chair for a couple of hours today. No hiccups."

Kay bit her lip. Somehow, when hearing 'much better', she had expected something else. "That’s… good," she nodded, her voice coming out much less enthusiastic than she tried to make it sound.

Brian smirked, giving her a friendly nudge with his elbow. "Just give it time," 

"Yeah, you said that two days ago, too."

He shrugged. "Still applies."

Kay looked down at the tiled kitchen floor. She wasn’t entirely sure why this unsettled her so much right now, but it did. In her head, she understood that everything was fine with Seth. He was only recuperating from an infection, no big deal. But still… there was a question that had been nagging at her. A question she wasn't sure if she even wanted to know the answer to. "Brian?"

He looked at her, putting down his kitchen towel. "Kay?"

"Is it always like this? I mean, when he's not well… are things always so…," she swallowed. "You know what I mean."

Brian scratched his head. "Not sure if I do. Do you mean does it always take him a while to bounce back? Or are you asking me how fragile his health is?"

Kay winced at the word, because it was exactly what she had been avoiding to even think of. Blinking, she shrugged. "Both, I guess."

The PCA hesitated, shifting uncomfortably. "Have you asked him? You know he could answer those questions for you."

But he wouldn't. "If I asked him, he would only…," she trailed off, squirming a little, and Brian nodded knowingly. Kay gave him a shy look. "I don't mean to put you in an uncomfortable position. I just thought, since you're the medical professional around here and –"

Holding up a hand, Brian interrupted her with a kind smile. "I understand. Of course you can ask me." Pausing, as if gathering his thoughts – or words –, he ran a hand through his blond hair. Then he leaned against the kitchen counter. "It does generally take him longer to bounce back from stuff, yes."

She sighed unconsciously. "Why?"

He shrugged. "Many reasons. One being that the nervous system is messed up after an SCI. Which affects how the body is able to deal with problems."

"But… it is able to deal, right?"

He nodded, even if not as confidently as Kay would have wanted. She nervously pulled her earlobe. "And… the other thing?"

Brian licked his lips. "He doesn't get sick more easily than you or me, but when he does, he's… at a higher risk for complications." He shrugged, giving Kay an earnest glance. "Just the way it is with a high injury like his."

Kay swallowed, averting her eyes. She understood what Brian was saying, including what he wasn't saying out loud. 

"It's not what you wanted to hear." He lent her a sympathetic look.

She shrugged mechanically, pushing away from the kitchen counter. "Yeah, well," she said hoarsely. "We can't always get what we want, can we." Clearing her throat, she pointed her head toward the door. "Is he awake?"

Brian nodded. "Last time I checked."

She went to the bathroom first, sitting on the toilet lid for a few minutes while she tried to pull herself together. Don't fucking cry. 

Kay felt stupid for how much this was affecting her. Nothing bad had happened. Nothing bad was going to happen. Seth was fine. He would stay fine. He was young, and he took good care of himself. And his team took good care of him. No need to worry. No reason whatsoever to cry right now. Except every reason. Fuck. Kay forced herself to take a deep breath, standing up. What was she doing, sitting in the bathroom like this. She'd come here to see Seth, not to cry over his health. Get over yourself, Kay. She splashed her face with cold water and rubbed it off, then quickly reapplied some makeup from her handbag. When she checked herself in the mirror one last time, she put on a smile. There. Good as new. 

Seth was positioned on his side. He had an iPad in front of him, mouthstick between his lips. When he looked up, it felt to Kay like those dark eyes of his were seeing straight into her core, and her skin prickled. She made an effort to widen the smile she had put on, hoping he didn't notice she'd been upset. "Hey you," she said lightly. "Watcha doing?"

Seth let go of the mouthstick. "Reading the news. You?"

"Oh, you know," Kay winked nonchalantly as she put down her handbag and sat on the edge of the bed, near his feet. "Just stopping by."

Something strange flickered up in Seth's eyes then, but he produced a faint smile. "Sorry I missed you leaving last night. Did you watch the movie to the end?"

"No, I left right after you fell asleep. Was dead tired myself."

"Maybe you shouldn't hang around sick beds so much." That smile on his lips somehow wasn't reaching his eyes. 

Kay faked a smirk of her own, plus a fake eye roll. "Yeah, whatever."

Seth's gaze was on her, deep and intense. Making her nervous. "So," she uttered, mainly to fill the silence. "How are you feeling today?"

He paused a beat, then his shoulder twitched, and so did his eyebrows. "I thought you were already briefed by Brian."

Shit. Shit no. How much had he heard? Kay blinked at him warily, licking her lips. "He said you're getting better, that's all."

Seth held her gaze. "You were talking for quite a while."

A lot – he had heard a lot. Dammit. Maybe a joke would get her out of this. She produced a teasing smile. "Don't tell me you're jealous, Mr. Bell."

Of course he didn't bite. When he simply scoffed and rolled his eyes, Kay sighed, dropping the pretense. "So I checked in with your PCA on how you are doing. Is that so wrong? I'm just worried about you."

Seth's jaw was tight. "I don't want you worried about me."

"Yeah." All of a sudden there was a lump in Kay's throat. "I know you don't. You've made that perfectly clear." Her emotions threatened to bubble over, and she quickly stood up, eyes down. "I'm gonna get myself something to drink. Want anything from the kitchen?"

"Kay, look –"

"I'll be right back."

She was pressing her lips together as she walked down the corridor, fighting hard against the stinging in her eyes. She heard Seth call out for Brian and the PCA came out of the kitchen, a discreet frown appearing on his forehead when he passed her. Yeah, it was probably written all over her face. 

She went to the fridge and took out the orange juice, filled a glass with it, and then she just stood there. Staring out the window. Enough. Enough with this already. 

She waited until she heard Brian come out of Seth's room again, then she took a deep breath and went back. 

The iPad and the mouthstick were gone, and Seth was sitting up, back leaned against the raised head of the bed. His eyes quietly followed her every move when she walked in and closed the door behind her. "I'm sorry," he said softly. 

Kay responded with a slight shrug. She sat down on the mattress, slightly leaning her hip against his knees, which were still positioned to one side, a pillow between them. And then she looked at him. "Seth," she said earnestly. "I'm so tired of pretending."

He stiffened. "Pretending what?"

"That you and I can be just friends. We stopped being that six years ago."

Seth's gaze slipped immediately. His eyes closed in reflex, and Kay put her hand on his thigh, almost forgetting about the futility of the gesture. "We are too old for this," she said. "Life is too fucking short for this."

He opened his mouth to interject, but Kay held up a hand. "Please just let me talk. I know you told me to let it go, but…," she shook her head. "That kiss, Seth, it was real. I kissed you not because I wanted to make you feel better in a vulnerable moment, or because I was being nostalgic. 'Cause that's what you thought, isn‘t it."

Seth grinded his jaw. "I don't know what I thought," he said hoarsely.

"Well, whatever it was," Kay remarked, "the way you kissed me back didn't give me the impression that you want to be just my friend. Quite the opposite, actually." 

He wanted to run, it was written all over his face. His eyes were restless now, as if they were looking for a way to get out of this somehow. Kay took a breath. No. She wasn't going to back down. Not this time. "All those years, Seth," she spoke again in a small voice. "I never got over you. Even when I was in a relationship. Not a month went by where I didn't have a dream about us and woke up feeling empty because it made me miss you. I kept waiting for the day that I would finally forget you, but it never came." She sighed. "And I had myself to blame. I should never have left for London without… without making sure that we –" Abruptly, she broke off, biting down on her lip to keep it from trembling.

Seth was looking at her now, and the sadness in his eyes reflected everything she had just said. He understood. But he stayed quiet. 

So Kay went on. "And then, when I ran into you and saw the way you are now…," she exhaled shakily. "It changed nothing. Not for one second did it make me feel any differently about you. It did not make me want to be with you any less whatsoever."

It was that last statement which caused Seth to start shaking his head – staring at her as if she had lost her mind. "You cannot seriously want this", he uttered incredulously. "Look around you." 

Kay let her eyes wander across the room; with all its medical utensils, the hoyer lift, the electric adjustable bed and the bulky wheelchair standing in the corner. Then she looked back at Seth with tenderness, and his eyes followed as she reached out and picked up his unresponsive hand, holding it in hers. "What I want", she said softly, "is you. And all of this comes with you, so I'll take it."

Now Seth didn't only look perplexed – he also looked absolutely terrified. He said nothing; simply blinked at her, and his silence kind of scared Kay. "Just tell me –," she demanded, holding his gaze. "Look at me and tell me you don't feel the same way. Tell me you don't want to be with me." 

Seth swallowed hard, and his dark eyes took on an almost desperate look. "Kay", he whispered miserably. "I can't even touch you."

Kay had never seen him cry, and her heart stopped when tears started to run down his face, no matter how hard he was trying to hold them back. "No," she uttered in a choked voice, rushing to move closer to him. She was already reaching out to touch his face when he abruptly and violently threw his head back against the bed, jaw clenched hard and nostrils flaring. With a silent gasp, Kay flinched back – not in shock, but in realization. She had always wondered if there was anything that could make Seth angry, and now she had her answer. These weren't sad tears – he was pissed. And his anger was not directed at her. Gently, she took his face between her hands, wiping the tears from his eyes with her thumbs. "It sucks," she whispered. "I know."

Seth shook his head, his jaw trembling. "No, you don't know," he rasped between erratic breaths. "Touching you, holding you, feeling you … it's all I think about. It's… killing me."

Holding back tears of her own, she nodded, stroking his face, running her fingers up his temple and into his hair. "I miss your touch, too. I would love nothing more than for you to be able to hold me. And I can only begin to imagine what it must be like for you." She leaned in closer, until her face was touching his. "But just this alone,” – her lip brushed over his cheekbone – "and when you kiss me… Seth, you have no idea what it does to me. Do you even know how fucking much I'm in love with you? You make my world stop. This makes my world stop."

He had been shuddering under her touch, but now he went completely still, damp lashes fluttering against her cheek. His voice was barely a whisper when he spoke: "It stops mine, too."

Kay suppressed a sob, and Seth moved his head in closer, nose gently nudging, his lips finding hers, pulling her in for a kiss that was tender and slow, full of feeling; the sort of kiss they had never dared to share until now. When they paused to gaze at each other, Seth's eyes were caressing her. "I've been in love with you forever," he whispered.

Kay forgot how to breathe, blinking at him. "Forever?"

"Forever." He smiled shyly, and the happiness rushing into every cell of Kay's body was unlike anything she had ever felt. Her heart was about to burst, and all she could do to let it out was giving way to those tears she had held in all this time. "What took you so long," she sobbed, half-laughing, half-crying, and she threw her arms all the way around his neck, not caring that some of his weight sagged against her when the move threw him off balance. She just held on to him, her face buried in his neck until she could no longer breathe. 

Seth was kissing her hair. "Come here," he said softly. 

She was here, but she knew what he meant, and she straightened up, bringing her face to his. They looked into each other's eyes, both of them not having any words, because what else was there to say right now? Seth kissed her, long and deep, Kay's body melting away from under her. Except when at some point, her back started to cramp up from the awkward position she was sitting in; leaning to the side and forward like this while at the same time keeping Seth's body from slumping over. "Hold on," she murmured, standing up from the bed without letting go of him, then straightened him back up as well as she could before moving his arm to rest on his stomach. And then she climbed back onto the bed, snuggling up next to him, legs across his lap because she had nowhere else to put them with his knees bent to the side like that. With a happy grin, she slung her arm around his chest, leaning her head against his shoulder. It felt kind of unfamiliar to rest on, slight as it had become, and she could feel it sagging under the weight of her head. She glanced up. "Is this ok?"

His soft lips were on her forehead. "More than ok."

Kay closed her eyes, sighing deeply. "This… is this even real?"

Seth chuckled, his shoulder slightly twitching under her. "I would pinch you, but…"

Grinning, she lifted her head. "You can bite me."

"You'd have to come closer for that."

The twinkle in his eyes made Kay's stomach go wild with butterflies. She straightened up a little, straining her neck to kiss him. But Seth turned his head to the side, aiming for something else – and in the next second, her earlobe was between his teeth. Kay squealed a little and he laughed, letting go and pulling back, but not before placing a kiss next to her ear that sent goosebumps all over her body. "I would say this is pretty real," he remarked, and Kay grabbed his face, kissing him emotively. "We are real," she mumbled into his mouth, her thumb stroking him. Then she nestled back down against his neck, her arm across his chest squeezing tightly, feeling him. She was being overwhelmed by a sense of sheer endless relief – finally. Finally.

They stayed like this for a long while, not saying anything, because what they were feeling still left them mostly speechless. And then Seth's chin gently nudged her head. "Hold me." His voice was soft, almost shy.

At first, but only for the shortest moment, Kay was confused, because she was holding him, wasn't she? But then immediately she understood. Yes, her body was tightly pressed against his, her legs draped over his lap, her arm slung across his abdomen. But while she felt all of that, Seth couldn't. All he could feel right now was her head in the crook of his neck and probably some slight pressure against his upper arm. Which was… not even half of what Kay wanted for him, and probably not a fraction of what he longed for. 

Wordlessly, she sat up so they were at eye level, and she wrapped both her arms around his neck and shoulders, gently pulling him into an embrace he actually could feel, so close that he was basically leaning up against her. Seth's breath shuddered when she started running her fingers through his hair, and Kay wasn‘t sure if he was suppressing something like a sob. Pulling him in even closer, she stroked his neck and face, and his lips were on her, placing soft kisses in every spot within his reach, every single one of them melting her into a puddle.

At some point, the kisses became less and less, until they stopped completely, and Seth's head became heavy against hers. Kay had all but forgotten that he was still sick – and apparently exhausted. She smiled. Falling asleep not long after professing one's love to each other might not have seemed like the most romantic thing in the world to most people – but they were not most people, were they. Closing her eyes, Kay simply listened to the regular rhythm of Seth's breath, feeling complete. Finally.

There was a soft knock on the door, and Brian stuck his head in. A discreet grin appeared on his face as he took in the scene before him, but of course he refrained from commenting. "Everything ok?" he whispered.

"Everything ok," Kay confirmed softly, smiling. More than ok.

Brian stepped fully into the room, now giving her an apologetic look. "I need to check his bag, and it's time for meds."

Glancing at the clock, Kay nodded. "I should leave anyway."

"I'm just gonna…," the PCA mumbled, sheepishly pointing to the door before disappearing into the corridor.

Sighing, Kay took one last nose full of Seth, then she shifted slowly, mindful not to wake him up in the process. He was already stirring though, jerkily lifting up his head to look at her. Kay rubbed the tip of her nose against his. "To be continued tomorrow?"

He nodded silently, his eyes betraying a shy vulnerability that she knew well by now. She pressed her lips onto his, and a long, sensual kiss followed, with Kay letting her hands run down the back of his head and neck with a sigh. "This is hard," she mumbled unhappily when they pulled apart, and Seth nodded again, his voice soft. "Almost harder than before, right?"

She chuckled. "Almost." Only reluctantly, she pulled her arm out from behind him and wanted to climb off the bed when he started to tip sideways again. "Oops," Kay mumbled, straightening him up before she gingerly slid off the mattress, keeping a hand on him just in case. There was a hint of self-consciousness on Seth's face when they looked at each other, and she silently shook her head at him. None of that. Bending down, she kissed him again, then gazed into his eyes. "I love you," she whispered. "Don't you forget it."

Never ever forget it.

To be continued...