Not Gay - Chapter 25

There's something Jay has been tiptoeing around, so much so that he's afraid any more tiptoeing will cause him to fall over. Or strain his calf muscles. So, one lonely evening, Jay picks up his phone, scrolling through it idly before mustering the courage to call Darren. He smoked enough of Chris' weed to calm his nerves beforehand, but not so much that his heart doesn't skip a beat as he hears Darren's tired growl answering at the other end of the line.

"Hi, Darren," Jay says. He remembers belatedly that Darren had to work late again, which is why they hadn’t been able to see each other today. "Uh… did I wake you?"

"Nope," Darren answers curtly.

"Because if so, we can speak another time—"

"It's alright," Darren replies. His speech drags, more than usual, and Jay feels bad for calling. Darren sounds like he needs the rest. "Just gonna mute this…" Jay hears rustling over the phone, a groan, and some suppressed swearing. He imagines Darren trying to hit a button on the remote to the TV in his room. Then Darren’s voice returns, clearer and more alert this time. Kinder, too. "What’s on your mind?"

Still not entirely sure, Jay gives himself a mental kick. It's all or nothing here. "Can I, uh, ask you something?"

"Sure, babe."

Jay takes refuge under a blanket on his couch, wishing it was Darren’s body he could hide his burning face in.

"You know…" Still struggling to find the right words, Jay hesitates. "How it works? Um… doing… you know."

Darren chuckles. "You gotta be more specific, I’m afraid."

Jay sighs, balling his hands into fists and pressing them over his eyes. "You know… the link you sent me? With instructions for fingering oneself? I… I did what was requested and…" Remembering the time before the dance finals when he tried so hard and failed makes Jay want to crawl into a hole and stay there. It takes all his courage to continue. "So… um… how does it work with another… you know?" Geez, will Darren let him dangle there forever?

"Okay." Darren pauses. "Right." It seems Darren didn’t do it on purpose. Jay realizes again just how drained his boyfriend sounds. He knows from spending a lot of time with Darren in recent months that Darren tires earlier than he does. No wonder, Jay thinks, with a body that requires much more effort to control than his.

There’s static on the line again as Darren shifts position, and Jay can hear the effort in his breathing over the phone. But when Darren speaks, he sounds encouraging. "You want to know how sex works. For me. With me?"

"Um…" Scratching the top of his head, Jay is glad Darren can’t see him, given the violent blush on his cheeks. "Yeah? I mean, no! Well…" Sensing Darren's patience draining away, Jay quickly adds, "Yes, that too. Later. What I mean is how does it work? Fingering and… anal sex. Just, um…" He searches for a better word, finds none. "Just the regular way, I mean."

To be fair, Jay hasn’t really ever wondered about what sex with Darren specifically entails. He’s been so preoccupied with everything else, everything about himself, that the thought just hasn’t occurred to him. But now that he thinks about it, there’s quite a lot to consider, he presumes. He gets dizzy just starting to think about it and quickly pushes it to the back of his mind.

First things first.

So far, despite following the instructions on the website Darren pointed him to, Jay hasn’t achieved much more than pain and a cramp in his wrist. There must be more to it than what the website tells him. Darren hasn’t mentioned fingering since that one time. But although Jay has tried on his own again from time to time, he doesn’t seem to get anywhere.

Hesitantly, he explains his experiences to Darren and receives a compassionate grunt.

"That’s quite normal," Darren says. "Okay then... Jay?"

"Yes?"

"I just… want to make sure this isn’t because you feel like you have to. Because I sent you the link or something. I… You need to know I’m okay with how things are. If you don’t want to explore, that’s fine with me."

Jay picks at a thread of the blanket. "Hm… I know. I…" He changes position, forcing his hands to stay still. Suddenly, he remembers Chris’ words. "I guess I’m just… curious."

It’s the truth, and yet again, there’s more. Something that Jay doesn’t mention. He knows Darren is into anal sex, even if he doesn’t require them to practice it. But there’s something that supposedly gives Darren immense pleasure, and even if Jay feels some unresolved trepidation and fear concerning it, he wants nothing more on this earth than to see Darren fall apart. He wants to at least try and see if he can be the one responsible for it.

Darren grunts. "Okay, so… Let’s make sure you got the basics right, okay?"

Jay nods nervously, then gives an affirming hum. "That… that sounds great," he adds hastily.

"Alright." Darren pauses, seemingly to collect himself. "So… Hygiene. Shower in advance. Bowel movement a few hours before anything anal would be ideal."

Jay nods again. He remembers that from the website.

Darren speaks comfortably as he goes on. "I've been tested recently, but unless you have too, we’ll use condoms."

"Okay…" Jay responds. Of course, it makes sense. He hasn’t been celibate in recent years, so to say, and the condom drawer in his bedroom was always well-frequented. It’s not about getting someone pregnant now, but that doesn’t exclude other risks.

"Now, fingering is to prepare yourself or just a joy in itself. Start slow. Go all out on the lube."

Jay chuckles, remembering their discussions about lube at the beginning of their masturbation sessions together. It was just a couple of months ago, but it seems like ages to Jay.

"Gently press against the opening and allow the muscles to relax."

Jay feels a little heady, and he’s impressed by how calm Darren sounds. Maybe being tired helps with this.

"Don't rush. Let your finger slide in gradually. Pay attention to how it feels."

As Jay listens, picturing the steps in his mind, he feels a slow fire kindling in his lower stomach that he doesn’t manage to ignore. As Darren continues to explain the finer points, Jay discreetly fishes for the tube of lubricant he keeps in the drawer below the coffee table. He pops the lid and applies some lube to his fingers, testing the texture and slickness just as Darren describes.

"How can I make it more… comfortable?" Jay asks, his voice a little hoarse and his mind racing with anticipation. He quietly slips his hand beneath his sweatpants, testing the pressure against his own body.

"Again, lube, lots of it," Darren replies, his tone unwavering, solid. "And go slow. Have a good time. If you’re relaxed and horny, it should feel good."

Jay’s heart races a bit faster as he mimics the gentle motions Darren describes. So far so good. The tip of his finger glides inside, and he flinches briefly, but finds it doesn’t hurt this time.

"And what if it feels really good?" Jay asks. "I mean…" He’s trying to maintain his composure despite the sweat starting to cling to his forehead. He switches to speakerphone because he needs one hand to hold himself up and in position. Carefully, he slides his finger deeper, sucking in air at the feeling of being stretched.

Still not as bad as he thought.

Darren grunts. "Find your prostate," he states, as if it's the simplest thing on earth.

Jay almost whines at that. "But… how do I find it?" he asks, his tone becoming urgent.

There’s a few seconds of silence on Darren’s side, and Jay knows Darren has caught on. He bites his lip, half a moan escaping.

"Jay?" Darren’s voice is low. "Is… Are you…?"

Jay hesitates. "Yes," he confesses in a whisper. He wiggles his finger and it feels okay, but his cock is painfully hard now and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

"Okay so…" Darren clears his throat, changing position again from the sound of it. "Geez… Okay, Jay? Once inside, aim towards the front wall, alright?"

"Uh huh…" Jay does what he’s told, feeling nothing special as a result.

Darren goes on. "The prostate is small… Like a bulge. Its texture is supposed to be a bit like a walnut… Anyway, you’ll know you have it once you apply gentle pressure to it."

Jay's breath quickens and he feels the hot wave of shame crashing over him as realization hits. Darren has never felt a prostate himself. He may know the theory, he may have experienced being fingered, but he has never done it to himself or to another person. Jay feels like an asshole for not realizing earlier that Darren’s dexterity simply doesn’t allow for that.

"What if I can't find it?" Jay inquires, trying to sound casual though his heart races with anxiety. Initially, he felt a thrill at the thought of discovering this sensitive spot on his own, but now all he feels is panic at failing once more. And Darren can’t even help him if Jay turns out to be completely incapable—

"Take your time, you’ll get there," Darren interrupts Jay’s tumbling thoughts, and his voice is so calm and sure, Jay feels somewhat reassured. "Explore gently. It takes a bit of practice. Try different angles. Maybe bend your finger, carefully."

Empowered by Darren's steadfast belief, Jay continues to try, slowly experimenting with his finger until—

"Holy…!"

"Jay?"

"Darren, I think…" Afraid it will disappear the second time he meets the spot, or that he’ll be unable to find it again, Jay scrambles to recreate the movement that caused a hook to attach behind his navel. "Holy shit!"

It’s like a button to a firework in his groin, so powerful Jay is actually afraid to use it again.

"Yep," Darren says, his grin palpable through the phone. "That’s it. Very good, Jay."

Glowing with the praise and trembling from the effort and anticipation, Jay continues to move his slightly crooked finger just so, gently massaging the hard knob inside of himself, gasping at the wave of pleasure threatening to drown him. It’s not just good; it’s overwhelming, like a switch being flipped inside him, lighting up his entire body. His cock twitches violently, already painfully hard, and he gasps, the sound half-strangled in his throat. Both his wrists start hurting from the unusual position, but he can’t stop now.

"Let me hear you," Darren's voice is gravelly deep, his own arousal coming through.

"I’m gonna— Darren, I don’t…" Jay cries out at another forceful spike of pleasure that momentarily blinds his vision. His cock is leaking, the pain excruciating, but he can’t seem to find release. "Please!"

"Yes, Jay, let go. Whatever you need. You can do it," Darren’s voice comes from far away.

Jay lifts his left hand from the couch, momentarily unbalanced, and frantically tugs at his begging cock. Once, twice, at the same time bending the finger inside of him again. He feels the tension in his abdomen coil tighter, the sensations overwhelming and too much to bear, and before he can process it, he experiences a climax so intense it rips through his body like a lightning bolt, causing him to howl in surprise.

Breathing heavily, Jay finds himself on the floor in front of the couch without any memory of how he got there. His body still thrums with small afterwaves of pleasure running through it, and he feels safe and bruised at the same time. Distantly, Jay hears Darren’s voice and realizes only after some time that it’s coming from within the crumpled blanket that slipped off the couch with Jay.

"Darren?" Jay’s fingers scramble for the hard case of his phone in the softness of the blanket, and when he finds it, he presses it to his ear, harder than necessary to quell the trembling.

"Jay..." Darren's voice sounds quieter and a bit hoarse. "Are you... okay?"

Jay feels himself blush but smiles faintly. "Yes, I… I did it."

Darren chuckles softly, a warm sound that reassures Jay. "You’ve done wonderfully," he says.

Jay laughs, a freeing sound, feeling himself relax more as warmth spreads in his chest. He actually did it, and he can’t quite believe he hasn’t done it earlier. All those years spent in utter ignorance…

After a while, Jay picks himself up from the floor. He checks his limbs and the rest of his body but doesn’t find he seriously hurt himself during his fall.

"How was it?" Darren inquires.

“Unearthing,” Jay retorts drily, chortling again. The specifics, he decides, he’ll keep to himself. “Thanks,” he adds, blushing again.

“Anytime,” Darren replies.

There’s a pause.

“Are you good on your own now?” Darren asks, his words starting to blur together again. “I guess we’ve covered it. One finger is the start. Build from there. It’s pretty straightforward.” He yawns. “No more questions for today?”

“Um… not for today,” Jay says. He does still wonder about sex with Darren, specifically, but he knows this is neither the time nor place.

“Thank God,” Darren mumbles, but Jay hears the mirth in it.

“Sorry,” Jay says. “You can go to sleep now.”

“You bet,” Darren answers. “Sleep tight.”

When they’ve hung up, Jay sits for some time with his phone in his lap, grinning at the blank screen, imagining Darren falling asleep with half a boner. He doesn’t feel bad for it at all.