The One Who Got Away - CH 3

Chapter 3

Part One: Six years earlier

"I slept with Seth."

"You WHAT?" Kay's friend Micah almost dropped the ice cream cone she was holding, and her jaw practically fell to the ground. 

They were sitting on the grass in a public park; around them were families, groups of students and smooching couples, all enjoying the sunny spring afternoon. 

Micah looked unsure of whether to be shocked or excited. "When? How? Why? And what the fuck, Kay?" 

Kay smirked sheepishly at her own ice cream. "Last night." She shrugged. "It just… happened."

"Uh huh", Micah said with a scoff. "Right."

"Really! I didn't mean to do it." Seeing the alarmed look on her friend's face, she quickly clarified: "I mean, I wanted to, we both did. It simply wasn't planned."

Micah gave her a lazy smirk. "You just accidentally fell on top of him?"

With a laugh, Kay rolled her eyes. "We were at Glow and then his car conked out. So I invited him to crash at my place."

Now Micah rolled her eyes as well.

Kay gave her a look. "What?"

"So much for 'It wasn’t planned'."

"But it really wasn't!" Kay protested. "I don't know what happened, Micah, we suddenly… wanted each other."

Her friend lent her a telling look. "You didn't ‘suddenly’ want each other. He's always had the hots for you."

Kay averted her eyes, trying not to smile. "Oh please."

"What I really want to know is: Why? Why would you sleep with Pretty Boy? Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

Kay scowled at her. She hated when Micah called him that. Sure, Seth was good looking – he even was what one would have called 'a beautiful man'. But obviously naming him 'Pretty Boy' was not a compliment on Micah's side. She didn't know Seth well and somehow had never really warmed up to him. Not that she had ever directly said so, but Kay suspected she didn't get what Kay saw in him as a person. From the moment Kay had introduced him to her at a party, Micah had immediately categorized Seth. Guys who looked like that couldn't be cool and multi-layered – Micah’s theory. The fact that Kay knew him much better and could attest for the theory not applying here hadn't been able to sway Micah in her preconception. That was Micah for you – quick to judge and hard to bring around.

"No, he doesn't have a girlfriend." Kay told her, not able to withhold the annoyance from her tone. "And will you stop calling him that? It's offending me." 

At that, Micah laughed out loud. "It's offending you?"

Kay rolled her eyes, snorting. "And unfair to him, obviously. But you're implying I'm not a good judge of character. Do you seriously still think I would be such close friends with Seth if he was some shallow bore?"

"Girl, come on." Micah put her hand on Kay's knee. "I never said that. He's obviously a nice guy. Him and I just don't vibe well, that's all."

"You are the one not vibing", Kay corrected her, holding up a finger. "Seth's got nothing to do with it."

Micah sighed. "Look Dude, can we not argue about this? 'Cause I really, desperately want to fucking hear all the details already."

Kay huffed. Normally, she wouldn't have let this go. But right now, the part of her that needed to process last night was stronger. She took a deliberate, long lick of her yogurt ice cream, then intensely looked at her friend. "It was the best sex of my life."

The One Who Got Away – CH 4

Chapter 4

Part One: Disability Etiquette 

The van had parked several minutes ago already, but so far, it didn't look like anyone was getting out. Kay blew out some air. If she hadn’t known who was in there, it would have felt like a scene in some gangster movie. 

Still, she wondered what was going on. The windows were tinted, so she couldn't see inside – they probably could see her, though. Was Seth having second thoughts or something? 

But then the automatic door on the side suddenly started to open, bringing him into view. And an  unexpected wave of nausea swept over Kay.

She knew it was stupid, but seeing Seth in that big wheelchair he now steered onto a platform lift was almost as much of a blow as it had been the first time. Back in his parents' living room, it had all seemed surreal. But here he was, in the parking lot of Lakeside Park, still just as paralyzed as he had been a few days ago. And his disability suddenly appeared more blatant to Kay, magnified – it felt… real. She swallowed as she uncrossed her feet, straightening in her posture.

In the meantime, a blond guy with a beard and a man-bun had jumped out of the van. He was about their age and looked like one of those super laid back hipsters and not at all what Kay had imagined Seth's care assistant to be like – which, if she thought about it, was pretty ridiculous on her end, because she didn't actually know what else she had expected. 

During the process of the lift descending, Seth tried to look anywhere but at her, repeatedly rolling his neck. He's nervous. Kay knew his body language inside out – well, that of his former body. He would have scratched the back of his neck right now, or run a hand through his hair. But those days were over, so rolling his neck it was.

Once he was on the ground and propelling the chair forward, Kay slowly started to walk toward him. It felt like an impossible distance. But then Seth finally met her gaze, and the eye contact immediately made her feel calmer. Like it always had. She smiled. 

"Hey", he said, and his shoulders twitched as if they failed to respond to an instinctive brain command.

"Hi." Bending down, Kay gave him a peck on the cheek, her hand on his shoulder. That he wasn't able to touch her back still felt strange.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting", he said. "Sometimes it takes a while to get out." He turned his head to look behind him. "This is Brian, my PCA."

"Hi Brian", Kay extended her hand to the guy. "I‘m Kay."

He shook it, a curiously bemused smirk playing his lips. "Nice to meet you, Kay." He flashed his employer a look, and Seth stifled a chuckle.

Kay looked back and forth between the two men, raising a curious eyebrow. "What."

Seth gave her one of those disarming smiles of his, dimples showing. "Brian just lost a bet", he explained. "We have this game where we speculate how people are going to react to us."

"Not to us as a pair." Brian interjected to clarify. "But to him as a quad and to me as his carer."

"Right", Kay drawled. "And I did what?"

"You shook his hand and introduced yourself." Seth stated with a content smile. "Which I told him you would.“

Boys. With a lopsided smirk, Kay crossed her arms. "As opposed to what?"

"Barely saying hello", Brian replied with a shrug. "Some people think they're supposed to pretend I'm not there. Like a butler."

Now Kay couldn't help but laugh. "That's what you predicted I would do?"

Sheepishly, Brian scratched his beard. "Well, no."

"He said you would say Hi with a wave", Seth smirked.

Kay tsk-ed in mock disapproval, then she gave Seth a fond smile. "I'm glad you knew better."

He smiled back, then shifted his shoulders and pointed his chin towards the park. "Shall we?"

"Let's." 

The One Who Got Away – CH 5

Chapter 5

Part One: Cold Grip

It all went so fast that Kay didn't even have time to grasp what was happening. One minute Seth was perfectly fine, the next he inhaled sharply and his face scrunched up in a grimace.

"Are you ok?" she asked uneasily, but she didn't get an answer. In a matter of seconds, he was profusely breaking out in a sweat on head and neck, and his skin color turned to bright red. 

Kay's heart skipped a beat, something icy closing its grip around her insides. "Seth?"

"Get Brian", he grunted through clenched teeth, and Kay jumped up from her chair.  

Hearing her shout his name was all it took for the PCA to practically drop his coffee onto the bench in a heartbeat and hurry over to them. Either the guy had very fine instincts, or she had just sounded as alarmed as she was. 

Standing before Seth and taking one look at him, Brian seemed to have an idea what was going on. He grabbed and ripped open a backpack that was hanging on the back of the wheelchair, and a second later, he had slipped a blood pressure device around the other man's floppy wrist. Then he put a hand on his shoulder "Seth." 

Seth didn't answer – he was too busy squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his head back against the headrest with a groan. 

"Can you look at me?" Brian addressed him again, this time touching his face. "Come on Dude." 

Now those dark eyes squinted open, but he was barely even seeing him, obviously in some kind of agony. Kay bit down on her bottom lip, her trembling hands clenching until they hurt. She had never seen Seth in pain.

The blood pressure monitor beeped, in a particularly high-pitched tone. Brian cursed softly upon reading the number on the display. He crouched down and started pushing up the jeans on Seth's right leg, revealing a bag halfway filled with urine, strapped to a pale calf. Kay swallowed, averting her eyes, because she knew Seth wouldn't have wanted her to look. 

For a short moment, her peripheral vision registered their surroundings. The other guests in the café, along with Server Guy, were staring at them like it was a blockbuster movie, and people who were walking by slowed their pace to see what was going on. Kay wanted to murder them all. 

Blinking, she looked back at Brian, who was shaking his head to himself now, a frown on his face. From his crouching position, he looked up at her. "Did something happen just now? Anything that could have hurt him in some way?"

Utterly confused, she shook her head. "What do you mean? We were just talking."

Brian didn't answer. He started undoing the straps across Seth's feet, then took off his sneakers and socks.

Meanwhile, Seth was still moaning and sweating, jaw clenched, eyes squeezed shut again. Kay went to stand at his side, tentatively laying a hand on his shoulder. 

And that was when she saw it. 

It was clinging to the back of his right upper arm, half concealed by the short sleeve of his navy blue shirt, and it had stung at least twice. That damn wasp. With a soft curse, Kay instinctively ripped the insect off. "Seth", she uttered. "Are you allergic to wasps?"

The slightest confusion crossed the grimace that currently was his face. "What?" he asked, his voice strained.

"No, he's not", Brian threw in, looking up sharply. "Why, is there a bite?"

The One Who Got Away – CH 6

 

Chapter 6

Part One: Excuses

So it was official – Seth was back in her life and she in his. After Lakeside Park, spending time together became a regular thing again.

In some ways, it was like old times. But they were a bit older now, and their friendship seemed not as weightless as it had been in the past. Which – Kay supposed – was probably what happened when people had complicated history and gone years without contact. Plus, one person having acquired quadriplegia along the way. You could also say: Life had happened. 

Seth wasn't entirely her old Seth – he was her new Seth. New Seth didn't have the carefree nonchalance of the old Seth, but in exchange, his ability to observe and perceive had grown all the more. He had always been a good listener and conversationalist, but now he was absolutely killing it. The new Seth seemed more humble, maybe even more serious.

Oh, and he couldn’t move. 

It was fascinating to Kay how little time it had actually taken her to get used to that fact. In Lakeside Park, she had still asked herself if she would ever be able to see Seth as a quadriplegic – a few meetings later, she didn't even register the wheelchair much anymore. Not in the sense of overseeing it. Rather the opposite: Seth's disability was just part of who he was now, with everything it brought with it. Things like helping him with drinks or moving his control within reach were simply aspects of spending time with him, and Kay didn't really associate them with limitations anymore. When there were no hiccups, it didn't really play a role that Seth was completely paralyzed.

Granted, there were also moments where his disability did play a major role; moments when things went south. A malfunction on the wheelchair. Places that were not as accessible as they looked from the outside. Temperatures that brought on discomfort. Blood pressure issues. Violent spasms that made talking impossible for him. Pain. The list went on. The more time she spent with Seth, the more Kay realized that his wellbeing was kind of a fragile balance that was depending on a whole number of factors. A balance that could easily be disrupted. And because the factors were so many, the chance of something being wrong at some point was rather high. Even though there hadn't been another such dramatic occurrence like the thing with the wasp, that first meeting at Lakeside Park had turned out to be quite representative of how fast an activity or conversation with Seth could turn from fun to tense. 

They met up at least once a week. It wasn't always easy to find a common time slot, but somehow they managed. Kay had quickly figured out Seth's weekly schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, he had physical therapy. Those appointments took up half of the day, and he was never available for meeting up after – because, as he said, they left him "spent". 

Kay wondered why. Physical therapy for people with spinal cord injuries was something she only knew from TV shows and movies, where some character simply needed to overcome their inner resistance, then did some stretching and some exercises on parallel bars and tadaa, they could walk again. Which was obviously ridiculous and not the case here. So what was Seth doing there that wore him out every time? It wasn't like he had much of his body to work with.

Apart from PT, there were also numerous other medical appointments, and of course his job. Overall, he was much busier than she would have expected him to be, given that he was working only a few hours per week. 

"My disability is almost a full-time job", he'd once remarked, and even though he hadn't specified what he meant by that, Kay had a feeling he wasn't merely talking about PT and doctor's visits. She did know that sometimes he needed to cancel on her pretty much last minute – and cancelling was something the old Seth had never done. "Bad day", was usually all he would state as the reason, or: "Something's come up." Whatever the ‘something’, Kay knew it was always disability-related in one way or another. 

Not that Seth would have ever said so – he never told her anything about the in and outs of his quadriplegia. It wasn't that he didn't answer questions when she asked, but it was never more than just that: answering. He never elaborated, never went into detail, never followed it up with anything that could reveal more than he apparently wanted to. Kay simply accepted this boundary of his. She didn't want to pry when it was so evident that his medical situation wasn't exactly his favorite topic. 

One thing they absolutely never talked about at all were the circumstances of his injury. Even after several months of close contact, Kay didn't know the first thing about his accident – other than what he’d told her when she had run into him: That he had broken his neck in a car crash about one and a half years earlier. She didn't have a clue where and how it had happened, if he'd had any other injuries, how long he'd been in the hospital for and what rehab had been like for him. Seth's ability to completely block the whole topic was just mind-boggling. He gracefully steered clear of it in his ever subtle ways, and if the conversation ever threatened to get close to the area, he would promptly divert attention into another direction. And Kay just let him, well picking up on his unwillingness to go there. Seth might tell her one day, she figured, whenever he'd be ready to.

The One Who Got Away – CH 7

Chapter 7

Part One: The Body You Desire

A week later, Kay went on a blind date. Not that she actually wanted to. She had more or less stumbled into the whole thing, just because the guy was her boss's secretary's cousin. Lacy – the secretary – had sworn he was “just the man” for her. Even though Lacy barely even knew her, except for saying “good morning”, “how are you?” and “have a nice weekend”. 

Kay's first and only longer exchange with her had been a few days ago on a shared ten-minute coffee break. It was all small talk about the weather and the traffic that morning.

"So Kay," the secretary then had asked abruptly. "Got someone special in your life?"

"Not really." Even though saying that had sort of felt like a lie.

"Oh my God, I know just the guy for you!" Lacy had excitedly pulled out her phone, and her long golden gel nails had tapped and swiped around on the screen until someone's blurry profile picture had appeared. "My cousin Gideon," she'd beamed. "I bet he's just your type. Very sophisticated. Tall, dark and handsome, you know."

Kay had frowned at the picture. The guy in it looked nothing like that description, but maybe the photo just didn't do him justice.

"He's very intelligent," Lacy had gone on with enthusiasm. "And you’ve got a lot in common, too!"

Like what? The preference for good weather and no traffic? "I don't know…"

But Lacy had grabbed her by both shoulders, a strong whiff of sweet perfume engulfing Kay's senses. "Oh Kay, please, you have to go on a date with him!"

And so now here she was, standing in front of an Italian restaurant, waiting for that guy Gideon who was apparantely going to sweep her off her feet. It was raining, and because she'd naturally been early and waiting for ten minutes already, Kay was beginning to feel cold.

"Kate?" A voice from under an umbrella asked.

"It's Kay," she remarked, and she dipped her head to look at him. The picture on Lacy's phone did do him justice – he was neither tall nor handsome, and certainly not dark. His frizzy, half long hair with sideburns was sandy blond at best. 

Gideon shrugged. "Shall we go in? My shoes are getting wet."

She followed him up the four steps to the restaurant's entrance, and for some reason all she could think of was how very inaccessible it would have been for Seth. Kay wondered what he was doing right now. Probably sitting at dinner with his parents, who would be leaving for Japan in two days.

Once they were situated at their table, Kay got a better look at Gideon. His cheeks were soft with red spots on them, and he had almost no facial hair. Not as in clean shaven, but in the sense that there apparently was barely anything growing there ever. Which made him one of those men who eternally looked like fresh out of puberty. He was not only not her type, he was practically the anti-type of everything she found attractive. 

"I'm a big connoisseur of Italian cuisine," Gideon announced when they were looking at their menus. "Let me know if there's anything I can recommend to you."

Kay smiled faintly. "Thanks, I think I –"

"I come here all the time," he talked over her. "It's the best place in town." Clapping his menu shut, he looked around for the waiter, his eyes barely grazing Kay. "Do you know what you want?"

She sighed. "Sure."

"You know what, Kate?" Gideon gave her a thin lipped smile once they had ordered. "You are very pretty. Lacy told me you were, but you never know, right?" He made a winky face that made Kay want to throw up. 

Fighting against her every bodily impulse, she managed to smile back. "Right. By the way… I think you got my name wrong. It's Kay, not Kate."

He scratched his chin, studying her philosophically. "Interesting," he mumbled. "I don't think I've ever met a woman who just abbreviates her name with her first letter."

Christ. "It’s not –"

"Oh, here come our drinks! Grazie, Luigi."

Whatever, Kay decided. She didn't actually care what the guy thought her name was. This date had barely even started, and she already wanted it to be over. If she was honest with herself: She had wanted it to be over yesterday. 

While they were eating some bruschetta and waited for the main course, Gideon talked a lot. He barely asked her any questions and instead focused on what he was apparently most passionate about: Himself. "I'm all about self-optimization," he said. "Keeping myself healthy and fit, following a good work-life balance," He fumbled the side of his head, attempting to smooth out his frizzy hair. "And I always keep my goals in sight. Anyone can achieve anything if they truly want to. It's all" – he tapped his temple – "right here."

Kay took a big gulp from her glass, feeling exhausted already. At least this wine was really good. She took another sip. "Anyone can do anything?" she then inquired. "Really?"

"But of course!" Gideon propped up his elbows on the table, putting his fingertips together. "Take me, for example. I started out as a simple high school teacher, and now I'm a successful motivational speaker."

She almost choked on her bruschetta. "You're a motivational speaker?" If she had known that, she would never have agreed to go on a date with him in the first place.

Gideon was nodding his head proudly. "I help people become their best selves."

Kay raised a lazy eyebrow. "I'm dying to hear how they can do that."

Of course Gideon didn't pick up on her dry tone of voice. "I'm glad you’re asking, Kate," he said, again smoothing out his hair. "So, for instance. Some people don't have the fit and healthy body they desire. But they don't really do anything to change it, you know? Instead of taking matters into their own hands and becoming their healthiest, happiest version. It's about manifesting stuff."

Kay felt her jaw tighten. "What about people who manifest all they want and still don't get the body they desire?"

Gideon gave her a scoff. "Obviously they're doing it wrong. It's all excuses. Want to be fit and healthy and happy? Work for it. Earn it." He rammed his index finger onto the table. "Deserve it."

Kay knew she should have been taking this for what it was: Laughable nonsense. A few months ago, she probably would have been rather entertained by it. It would have been one of those encounters she would later have told her friends about, laughing tears. Not now though, not anymore.

"Good health is a gift," she said tightly. "Not something you deserve, or something you earn."

Now Gideon raised his shoulders with an expression on his face like he was trying to be Robert De Niro. Which, with his hairless and rosy face, looked nothing short of ridiculous. "Don't be so sure, Kate. People don't get sick for no reason."

"People have accidents for no reason."

"That's debatable."

She blinked, unable to keep her jaw from dropping. "Excuse me?"

"Like I said before," red cheeked and frizzy haired Robert De Niro stated complacently. "Manifestation."

Ignorant asshole. "So if you crash your car tomorrow and are permanently disabled," she muttered through almost clenched teeth, "you manifested that, too?"

Gideon smiled. A thin lipped, smug smile. "Yes, absolutely. But that would never happen to me."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really." He crossed his arms. "See, I don't manifest myself as a loser. Which means I’m never going to become one."

Kay laid her hands flat on the table. "So just we understand each other," she said slowly, needing all of her energy to keep the outrage from her voice. "You think people with disabilities are losers?" 

For the first time, Gideon looked kind of uneasy, but only for a millisecond. "Well," he raised his eyebrows at her. "Who in their right mind wants to live as damaged goods?"

Without thinking, Kay abruptly pushed back her chair and stood up. "If you'll excuse me for a minute, I'm gonna use the bathroom."

It was down a flight of stairs, no elevator, and there was nowhere a door in sight with a wheelchair icon on it. Fucking inaccessible establishmens. No matter that Seth wasn't with her right now – the point was that if he had wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to go to this restaurant. 

“Just don't waste too much of your energy on it. It'd be a shame.”

Oh Seth. Now Kay suddenly felt like crying. Inside the ladies room, she washed her shaking hands and let the cold water run over her skin for a long moment. Then she stared at herself in the mirror. What the fuck are you doing?

She went back to the table, and without even sitting back down, informed Gideon that she didn’t feel well and needed to leave. He didn't seem to mind much. "Oh well," he said. "I've eaten here alone before, so no big deal. See you soon!"

Definitely not.

It was raining even more than before when Kay stepped outside. Her umbrella’s mechanism was jammed, and she was wet in a matter of seconds. With a frustrated grunt, she tossed the useless thing into the next trash can. 

The rain drops running down her face were joined by tears. She was so very, very pissed. 

Pissed at Gideon for being an arrogant asshole and the worst date ever. 

Pissed at that restaurant, for ignoring the part of the population that couldn't climb stairs and use regular bathrooms. 

Pissed at Micah, for acting so patronizing and saccharine to Seth the other day.

Pissed at life for being fucking unfair and dealing Seth the hand it had dealt him.

But most of all, Kay was pissed at herself. For agreeing to a date she’d never wanted to have in the first place – no: For even considering going out with anyone. When in truth, there was only one person in the whole wide world she would have wanted to go on a date with. And just like six years ago, she had managed to lie to herself about it for way too long again. 

"Kay! How was your date with Gideon?" Lacy screamed when Kay got into the office the next morning. She came rushing over from behind her desk, her impossible high heels clacking on the floor, and she beamed excitedly. "He's great, isn‘t he?"

Oh dear, Kay now realized. The woman actually had the hots for her own cousin. Either she had very poor taste, or all her other cousins were even worse than Gideon. Probably both. "Thank you for trying, Lacy," she told her kindly. "But Gideon is not the guy for me after all."

Lacy's face fell, and her fake lashes fluttered. "He's not?"

"The truth is," Kay said. "I've realized that I actually have feelings for someone else."

"Oh," the secretary uttered. "Well in that case, congrats to you."

No, not congrats to me. Because she had no idea what to do with those feelings of hers – once again. The only thing she knew was that she didn’t want to lose him – not again. So how could she possibly have told Seth that she was in love with him?

A few afternoons later, she ran into him at the house. Kay was there for a meeting with the chief builder – the final one before the start of the remodeling. She had just seen the guy off and was about to go home when Brian walked through the front door, followed by Seth – they were back from physical therapy. "Hey you two!"

"Well hello Miss Martens. Fancy meeting you here." Seth grinned at her with those irresistible dimples, and Kay felt herself blush. 

He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and when Kay bent down to hug him, she caught a whiff of gym mat smell on him. His hair was a little damp, several of those dark waves coiling into small curls.

"Mister Bell," she winked when she straightened up. "What a nice surprise." She looked at Brian. "And you of course, Mister Felloni."

"Yeah yeah." The PCA gave her a lazy smirk that said 'It's fine, no need to include me', then disappeared into the modern corridor, leaving her and Seth alone. Kay suddenly felt shy, and when she looked at him, her stomach tingled. 

He pointed his head toward the staircase. "All done up there?"

"All done for the day. Was just about to head home."

"Why don't you stay for a bit. Let's sit outside and drink something."

Kay cocked her head. "I thought you're too tired to hang out after PT."

His left shoulder went up as he smirked sheepishly. "Usually. But you're already here, so it would be kind of weird not to hang out, wouldn't it."

That made her laugh. "That's a very convincing argument." She deposited her work bag by the coat rack and then started walking towards the kitchen. "What are you drinking?"

The whirring sound of the wheelchair followed behind her. "I don't know. Something sugary and refreshing?"

Kay nodded, glancing at him over her shoulder. "I'll see what I can find."

"Mind if I go ahead to the patio?" Seth asked. "I need to relieve pressure."

"Sure."

In the kitchen, she spotted some fresh lemons. "Lemonade it is," she mumbled, and started taking out the utensils, three glasses and one of Seth's straws. She knew her way around here by now.

When she stepped through the terrace door roughly ten minutes later, she found Seth not only relieving pressure in a fully tilted seat position – he was also asleep. 

Kay smiled. Too tired after all. Quietly, she set the tray with the lemonade down on the table, then pulled out the chair closest to him for herself. And then she just sat there and gazed at him. He looked so peaceful. His head had slightly fallen to the side on the headrest, his face was completely relaxed, full lips slightly parted. He was so beautiful that it almost hurt. All of him. Including his atrophied body, the mended hole in his neck and the bulky wheelchair. 

She thought back on how seeing him like this had shocked and shaken her, how impossible and unreal it had felt to see those limbs of his so still and slight. Now the mental image of his pre-injury body kept fading more and more each day. Like his arms and hands for instance: The way they were now – slim and only moving with occasional spasms – suddenly seemed all she knew. Had they really ever been dynamic and muscular? And had his shoulders really ever been less bony? His chest broader and more defined? Kay actually needed to concentrate to recall.

One memory hadn't faded one bit though and was still vividly present – that of his touch, of the feel of his body against hers. She missed that. She missed being close to Seth. So much that it hurt.

Part Two: Blocked 

Seth woke up with a start. Oh shit, he had dozed off. 

Then he frowned. Kay was sitting next to him – very close. She had her elbows on her knees, looking lost in thought. Seth stared at her hand, because it was on his unfeeling arm, her thumb stroking back and forth. The sight did something to him; something he didn't like. He swallowed. Now Kay seemed to have realized he was awake, because she abruptly straightened in her posture, pulling back her hand so quickly as if she'd just been caught stealing.

"Sorry," she mumbled awkwardly. "Does it bother you when I do that?"

"Of course not, why would it bother me?" he lied, his own voice much huskier than he would have liked it to be. 

"You had that scowl on your face just now."

Seth blinked. "I was just wondering if I remember what it feels like, that's all."

Kay paused a beat. "And do you?"

He evaded her gaze. "Yes."

"You're saying that like it's a bad thing."

Because it is. He didn't want to remember it. Not when Kay was the one touching him. He couldn't tell her that though, and so he just stayed quiet, mentally looking for a way to change the subject. 

Kay beat him to it. She stood up and pointed towards the tray on the table. "Ready for something sugary and refreshing?"

He glanced at the liquid in the glass pitcher and lent her an approving smile. "Lemonade? Nice."

While she filled both their drinking glasses, Seth fished for his control and puffed in the command for the seat to move back up from its tilted position. Once upright, he rolled his neck and shoulders, trying to shake off the persisting exhaustion from his system. He missed being able to rub his eyes. 

"Here you go," Kay mumbled, offering his glass to him, and he brought his head forward to take the straw between his lips. The lemonade was perfect. Still drinking, he glanced up at Kay to lend her an appreciative nod. He had no idea why, but when their eyes met, she just sort of stared at him unblinking for a second, almost like a deer in the headlights, and then abruptly looked away nervously. And because that confused the hell out of him, he mixed up swallowing and breathing in the wrong moment, and before he knew it, he was about to choke on that perfect lemonade. He started coughing – or emitting the lame excuse for a cough he was able to produce nowadays. 

As his chest was tightening up, he saw Kay hastily put down the glass, then her hands hovered above his shoulders while she stared at him in alarm, her eyes wide. She was already opening her mouth to call out when his airway cleared and he was able to gasp for breath. "I'm ok," he croaked quickly, blinking away the water that had built up in his eyes. "I’m ok."

Kay retrieved her hands, one of them landing on her own chest. "Jesus," she groaned as she released the breath she'd been holding. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"You distracted me," Seth wheezed. "With that strange face you made."

"What strange face?" she frowned as if confused, but he could see her blushing.

"Never mind." He pointed his head toward his glass on the table. "I need another sip."

Kay held it up to him with a raised eyebrow. "Can you please not get distracted this time?"

"If you don't make any strange faces, yes."

He made sure to not even look at her while he drank, otherwise he would have probably burst out laughing. 

"I didn't know that's something you have trouble with," Kay mumbled when he was done. "Coughing, I mean." She tried to make her tone light, but her eyes betrayed a different sentiment. 

Not that worried look again. He blinked at her, shrugging. "Yeah, well, haven't got the muscle function for it."

She knitted her brow. "What would have happened if it had been food just now instead of liquid?"

He sighed with a smirk. "You would have called for Brian. And with some luck, he might have saved me from choking to death."

Kay gave him a reproachful look. "It's not funny."

That made him snort. "Believe me, I'm aware." Choking to death was one of his biggest fears ever since his injury. Maybe because he still remembered vividly what suffocating had felt like.

"What do you do when you have a cold and need to cough up stuff?"

Ugh. He would not go into that with her. "There's… methods for that," was all he said, and Kay nodded, not asking further. Seth was grateful to her for always sensing when he wanted a topic closed.

They talked about work for a bit, then Brian joined them on the patio.

"Seth fell asleep," Kay informed him with a smirk, and Seth rolled his eyes at her.

PCA chuckled. "That's something he’s exceptionally good at."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I never knew that.”

“That's because it's new,” Seth mumbled, and she nodded in understanding. He suppressed a yawn. "Sorry," he mumbled sheepishly. "Just beaten."

"Now I know what you mean when you say you’re spent after PT", Kay remarked. "What do you even do there?"

He couldn’t help but chuckle. She wasn't the first one to ask him that, of course, and she had the same confused expression on her face like everyone else. 

"Why are you laughing?" 

Seth shrugged. "It's just funny seeing people wonder what someone like me could possibly do that wears them out."

Which was ironic, since never in his life had any kind of training taken so much out of him like his PT. All the running, rock climbing and swimming pre-injury had not felt half as demanding as trying to lift his head up from a horizontal position, or pushing his shoulder back in such a way that his arm moved half an inch on the mat, or simply keeping his neck straight when in a standing position. Those things felt like running a marathon, and looking back, the sports he'd used to do seemed like a walk in the park in comparison. 

Kay blushed a little, smirking awkwardly. "So what do you do?"

"Working on what I've got. And getting my limbs moved."

"And standing," Brian added.

Now Kay frowned. "Huh?"

"It's important to keep the blood vessels and bones healthy," Brian explained. "The body's not made for sitting down and lying flat all the time."

Kay glanced at Seth. "How does it work?"

"By magic, of course," he joked, then clenched his teeth when his left shoulder cramped up from a spasm in his arm.

Brian stepped over to him and took hold of the trembling appendix, loosening the muscles with a couple of practiced moves. "There are several ways for quads to get into a standing position," he told Kay while slightly massaging Seth’s shoulder. "Seth usually does it on a tilt table." 

Seth was glad he didn't mention the reason for that. Which was that his blood pressure tended to be so erratic that in case it plummeted, they could lower him down swiftly.

Kay looked at him. "What does it feel like?" 

He shrugged. "Good. And weird, and exhausting."

Brian looked at his watch. "Gonna start cooking dinner. You staying, Kay?"

She shook her head. "Thanks, but I'm already invited to my sister's house."

Brian went inside, and for some reason, an awkward silence suddenly filled the patio. Seth didn't know why. Kay just seemed kind of nervous today, and somehow she kept avoiding eye contact. "So with all that physical therapy", she eventually addressed him. "Has there been any improvement at all?"

He frowned. With that nervous look on her face, he couldn't help but wonder what exactly she was asking here. Was she asking if he…? No. No way. 

"I've gotten stronger above my line of injury," he said warily. "Which is basically all I can expect." He searched her gaze, knitting his brow. "You didn't think I was ever getting out of this chair, did you. This is it for me."

"I know that!" she almost cut him off in bewilderment, looking almost hurt by his assumption. "Of course I know that. That's not what I meant."

"Then what's wrong?" 

Kay immediately averted her eyes. "Nothing’s wrong."

Seth raised his brows at her. "Kay."

Now she uttered a nervous laugh, still not fully looking at him. "I don't know what you mean."

"You're acting weird. What's going on."

With a stiff shrug, she shook her head. "I'm not acting weird!"

She was a terrible liar. Something was up, Seth was sure of it. He scoffed, clenching his jaw. What was she not telling him? 

She kept being weird the next time they met up. And the time after that, and the one after. 

It was strange. Usually, Seth was able to read Kay like he could read no one else. And she usually was completely open with him about everything. But now she was obviously hiding something, and she was hiding it specifically from him – that much was clear from the way she often got flustered from direct eye contact, and from how she sometimes was staring at him with that weird absentminded look on her face, only to quickly lower her gaze when he caught her doing it. 

Seth couldn't for the life of him figure out why she behaved like that, and he had given up on trying to get it out of her. She blocked his questions in that direction, and because she always respected when he blocked stuff, he figured it was only fair to do the same. So he just let her be weird, assuming that at some point sooner or later, she would either open up or stop being like this. The most important thing to him, after all, was to be able to spend time with Kay. And if Kay was being weird – well, then he would just take that for what it was. Things would go back to normal soon enough, he told himself.

And then the thing with Brian's car happened.

Part Three: Four years earlier

Not a day had passed for Kay without thinking of Seth. It had been over a year since she had moved to London permanently; over a year since that talk on the oriental lounge sofa. 

They had stayed in contact, but it was different than before. A few texts here and there, that was it. The unresolved and unspoken things between them managed to make every exchange feel awkward, even with the huge physical distance.

Kay knew he was still with that woman Sophie – though she preferred to call her Whatshername in her mind. Meanwhile, Kay had gone on a few dates and had slept with a couple of guys, but it all felt empty. She didn't feel like that space in her heart was free, not really. It belonged to Seth, and whenever she tried to push that fact down and concentrate on falling for someone else – as if falling in love was something you needed to concentrate on in the first place – her subconscious punished her with a vivid, emotional or highly sexual dream of Seth, catapulting her right back into those feelings. Probably because a part of her still had hope that maybe his relationship with Whatshername would end soon and she would get her chance after all.

She went back home for Christmas. Well in advance, she had texted Seth that she would like to see him while she was there, and the faster their meeting approached, the more nervous Kay became. To hell with respecting his current relationship – she needed to tell him how she felt. That she couldn't just go on like this and pretend like nothing had ever happened between them. That she was in love with him and that she wasn't able to let go.

They met for dinner at a restaurant. Kay felt weak in the knees when Seth walked in and she stood up to greet him. He looked older somehow, in a good way – more mature. The dark grey coat he was wearing was one of those slim fitted woolen ones, and he had a new haircut. In all the years she'd known him, he'd always worn his full dark hair at almost the same length top and sides, which had given him a very casual, even boyish look. Now it was trimmed shorter on the sides and in the back, and those wonderful waves on top were even more shown to advantage. In short, now Seth did not only look hot and gorgeous, but also wildly attractive in a very adult kind of way.

His hug was somewhat reserved, but his eyes were not when he sat across from her and they looked at each other. "It's good to see you," he said warmly. "Been a long time."

She nodded earnestly. "For real."

They started by catching each other up on the basics – work, living situation, family. Kay told Seth about her life in London and answered all his questions, albeit somewhat half-heartedly. Something was off. The vibe was off. They both tried to make the usual jokes with one another, to have their old, relaxed banter. But for some reason, it wasn't working. It felt like both of them were holding back; the air between them thick with all the things that had happened and everything that hadn't been said out loud. Seth seemed apprehensive, almost wary – as if he knew what she was here for.

"How is it going with you and Sophie?" Kay finally asked. She tried to keep her tone light, but she failed miserably; just like Seth failed to keep his jaw from slightly tensing up right now. 

"It's going well." He scratched his neck. "We're really good together." With a smirk, he added. "Just a perfectly normal couple."

Kay winced inwardly. This didn't sound like a relationship that was about to end anytime soon. On the contrary, it sounded fucking stable and established.

Seth cleared his throat. "Are you seeing anyone?"

She shook her head, looking down. "The thing is," she began, but then hesitated. This was the moment she had anticipated for so long. The moment where she had planned to put her cards on the table and tell him how she felt about him. But now that she was sitting here, she suddenly felt silly. Seth was obviously in a happy relationship. His whole body language told her he wasn't here to throw it all overboard and ride into the sunset with her.

"I wanted to talk to you about…," she started over. "About what happened between us. I just can't… let it go, Seth."

He blinked, and a nervous flicker went across his face. Instead of saying anything though, he just waited for her to go on.

Kay licked her lips. "It's just always there," she rambled.  You are always there.  "I told you I regretted not taking the leap back then, and… well I still do."  I'm in love with you.

Seth shifted in his seat, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. He nodded, clearing his throat. "Yeah."

Yeah? That's all you've got? Kay's heart sank even deeper than it had sunk already. Never since they’d known each other, he had been this quiet and reserved with her. This tense. Kay felt stupid, and exposed. She took a shaky breath, searching his gaze. "What am I to do with that, Seth?"

Now he looked at her. His eyes were telling a different story than his demeanor – they were looking broody and vulnerable. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I don't know what to do with it myself."

Kay exhaled shakily. So he hadn't forgotten about her either. The big difference being that he had someone else in his life, too. Now she understood why he had been acting so unnaturally detached tonight: Seth was simply trying to protect his relationship.

Now he scoffed softly. "Life can really be fucking ironic." He was shaking his head, one hand rubbing the back of it.

She now knew where this was going. "Sophie –," she asked hoarsely. "Do you love her?"

Seth's eyes earnestly met hers when he nodded. "I do." 

They were both silent for a long moment. It felt like everything had been said. Kay for sure knew everything she needed to know. 

"I'm glad that you're happy," she eventually said, and she meant it, even though it tore her up inside. She knew she had lost him. Because now, how would they be able to continue their friendship? He knew she wanted more, and he couldn't give it to her, so what were they supposed to do with each other? It was over.

They continued the dinner with small talk and discussions about pop culture. Kay wanted the night to be over already, but at the same time she didn't want it to end. Because Seth, her Seth was slipping through her fingers, and she wanted to hold on to every tiny piece of him that was still here.

"Let's stay in touch," he said, when they were standing outside the restaurant and about to part ways. 

"Sure." She knew that they wouldn't. 

"And give me a call when you're here on the next break," he added. "We can go for drinks or something." 

Kay nodded faintly, managing a half-hearted smile. "Will do."

They looked at each other, and Seth's eyes were saying all the things his demeanor was aiming not to show. Kay felt a lump in her throat. He was still there, her Seth. It was just that he had made the decision – probably a year ago – that he couldn’t let her get close anymore.

"Take care of yourself," she whispered, blinking against the tears in her eyes. He nodded wordlessly and put his arms around her. She held onto him, trying to conserve the moment for as long as possible. Because somehow she felt like this was the last time ever that Seth was holding her.

 

The One Who Got Away – CH 8

Chapter 8

Part One: Any Random Idiot

In a way, Kay was actually grateful for the whole debacle with Gideon. Because who knew how long it would have otherwise taken her to realize that she was hopelessly in love with Seth? 

The downside of that though: Having become aware of her own feelings also meant constant emotional torture. Being in Seth’s presence was kind of daunting now. It had become very difficult to look directly into those dark eyes of his without blushing or grinning like an idiot, and Kay’s stomach was in a perpetual state of uproar when they were hanging out. Sure, there was also that warm and fuzzy feeling of having him around. But the longing it brought with it was almost unbearable. Because when she was with him, she longed for Seth almost just as much as when he wasn't there. Like right now.

"Earth to Kay," Micah's index finger poked her in the shoulder. "Anybody home?"

"Sorry," she made a wry face. "You were saying?"

Since her and Seth's visit in the suburbs, Kay had sort of kept her distance from Micah. She was still kind of pissed about how she had behaved towards Seth and had needed to cool off before meeting up again – it wasn't like Kay could exactly lay into her friend for being too nice.

Now they were on a walk together, Micah pushing Neil's stroller. He was happily kicking his little legs in his seat, commenting on the landscape in his baby language.

"Neil’s first word," Micah repeated what she had probably said before. "You'll never believe what it is."

Kay shrugged. "Mommy?"

"Nope."

"Daddy."

Micah laughed. "Not even close. You’re never going to guess anyway." She made a dramatic pause. "It's 'Seth'.

"Theth!" Neil exclaimed accordingly, clapping his little hands.

Kay laughed out in surprise. "Good job, Neily!" She bent down to tousle his hair. "That's an excellent choice for a first word!"

Micah chuckled. "It took us a while to figure out what he was saying. I mean, it's so random, right? But then the other day I was mentioning Seth to Brandon and –"

"Theth!"

She grinned, gesturing at her kid. "There you go."

Kay looked at her with a lazy smirk. "He can't just have picked it up solely from when we were at your house."

Micah shrugged. "Who knows. Obviously I told Brandon all about your visit. About how impressed I was."

Ugh, here we go. "Impressed?"

"Yes," Micah nodded. "I mean, it's just amazing how positive he is, right? I don’t know how he does it."

Kay rolled her eyes to herself. "Not sure what you mean by 'positive'. He's just himself."

The other woman raised her eyebrows. "Yeah but in that situation! I mean it's heartbreaking, isn‘t it. I wanted to cry when that assistant –"

"His name is Brian."

" – had to feed him and all." Micah was shaking her head, a sad expression on her face. "And when he couldn't even hold Neil. It's just so horrible."

Kay stopped walking, coming to an abrupt stand. Micah glanced at her, stopping as well. "What's wrong?"

"You feel sorry for him." Kay stated blankly.

Her friend frowned in perplexity. "Of course I do."

Neil started to whine loudly, writhing in the stroller. Apparently he wasn't happy that his carriage had suddenly stopped moving.

Kay glanced at him and started walking again, mentally fumbling for the right words to say to Micah. But the other woman spoke first: "Don't you?"

"Feel sorry for him?" With a huff, Kay shook her head. "I’m sorry he has to deal with this injury, I absolutely hate that this happened to him. But that doesn’t mean I feel sorry for him."

Micah scowled. "What’s the difference?"

Kay raised her eyebrows at her. "The difference is that you pity him. Which I would never, because I respect him way too much for that."

"But I respect him, too!" Micah argued. "I respect him for just going on with his life and staying positive! I mean, I could never –"

Kay cut her off with a frustrated growl. "Oh my God Micah, do you seriously not know how offensive that is?!"

Now it was Micah who abruptly stopped walking. "Offensive? Girl, are you crazy?" She automatically started rocking the stroller back and forth when Neil began nagging again.

Kay ran a hand over her face. "It's patronizing," she said. "It's actually the opposite of respect."

The other woman seemed to be lost for words now. She was staring at Kay dumbfounded.

And then everything Kay had held back bubbled over in a flood of words. "You're implying Seth going on with his life is a tough choice, the choice to be a brave little soldier or something. It's not a choice, Micah. It's what life has put on him, so what else is he supposed to do? But here you are, going on about how absolutely horrible that life is. As if it's not worth living it. Oh, and: Now you suddenly like him? Suddenly he's not Pretty Boy anymore, but poor Seth instead? As if he's a different person now, some kind of martyr or something. It’s making me sick."

Micah had simply been standing there, listening, eyes big. Now she glanced over the top of the stroller. "He's asleep," she said in a low voice. "Let's sit down somewhere."

They went over to a big rock that would serve well as a sitting surface. Once they were situated next to each other, Micah glanced over sheepishly. "I didn't mean to offend anyone."

"I know. Which is why I didn't say anything before."

"I'm sorry I upset you."

Kay didn't know if she had truly gotten through with her tirade. Micah obviously felt bad right now, but it was doubtful that all the internalized ableism would just magically disappear from her system today. Kay looked at her earnestly. "It isn't about me," she commented. "It's about how you're behaving toward Seth. I need you to see him for who he is. Somehow you've never been able to do that. First you misjudged him because of how good looking he is. You just put him into that pretty boy category and wrote him off. And now that he's disabled, you kind of do the exact opposite."

Micah was looking down, chewing the inside of her cheek. "Damn" she mumbled sheepishly. "Of the two of us, you've always been the smarter one."

Kay had to laugh. "Don't say that."

"But it's true!" Micah shrugged, then pulled a wry face. "I hope Seth doesn't hate me now."

"No worries, Seth never hates anyone. He always tells me I shouldn't be so hard on people."

Micah looked pensive. "He's a good person."

"The best." Kay swallowed. "I love him, Micah."

Micah didn't look surprised. With a fond smile, she took Kay's hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "I know."

"I think I always have."

"Probably." Micah sighed. "I never told you this, but when the two of you had your thing going before you went to London… I said to Brandon: 'She’s gonna marry him one day'."

The remark took Kay so much by surprise that she gulped. And then she started to cry. Because she realized there was nothing she would have wanted more. She didn’t merely love Seth – he was the love of her life.

Micah put an arm around her, pulling her close. "I know, Girl, I know," she murmured empathetically. "Everything's different now. I'm so sorry."

Kay looked up in confusion, sniffing. "Huh?"

"Well because he's –," Micah wrinkled her brow. "Because of his situation, no?"

Yep, ableism still there. "The word is disability, Micah, you're allowed to say it." Kay wiped off some tears and blinked at her. "And why would that change anything for me? It doesn't, not at all."

There was a pause as Micah scratched her forehead. "But he's – I mean," she licked her lips and gave Kay a telling look. "He probably can't even have sex, Kay."

She uttered a dry laugh. "Think I care about that?" She shook her head. "Besides, everbody can have sex, it just depends on the how."

Judging from the expression on Micah's face, it was obvious that she thought Kay had gone batshit crazy, but luckily she didn't say it. Instead, she muttered: "Then what's the problem?"

"The problem?" Kay was confused.

"You love him and you don't care about his si – … his disability," Micah said, again scratching her forehead. "Yet you're sitting here crying as if the world is ending. I don't get it."

Kay gave her an incredulous look. How did Micah not know what this was about? "Remember what happened last time when I wanted to be more than friends?" she muttered. "I can't lose him, not again. No fucking way I'm going to risk that."

To her bafflement, Micah started laughing. That loud, infectious laugh of hers. "Girl,” she was shaking her head at Kay, and she put a hand on her knee. "You're not gonna lose him. He's absolutely crazy for you."

Kay's eyes widened – she was dumbstruck. "You… you think so?"

"No, I don't think so, I know so." Micah snickered. "Jesus, I can't believe this is news to you. Any random idiot on the street would see it right away. Just from the way he's looking at you. Eyes never lie, Girl."

Especially Seth's eyes. Kay's mouth suddenly felt dry, and her stomach somersaulted. Was it really possible that…? Oh my God.

Eyes never lie.

Part Two: Not A Pool Party

"The inability to confront the
structural-unemployment question
is a greater threat to future prosperity
than high unemployment itself," Kay read aloud. She was stretched out in the grass, one knee crossed over the other; Seth had parked himself next to her with his seat in a slight tilt.

It was a warm Sunday afternoon. She had come over for lunch, and now the two of them were relaxing in the garden and reading a TIME article together – meaning Kay was reading it out loud for both of them.

Seth was only half listening to the content of the text. He was peering down at Kay, his eyes following every small movement and change in her features. How the tip of her nose slightly bounced up and down with each word she spoke; how the light freckles on her skin danced in accordance; how every little emotion and thought reflected in the angle of her delicate eyebrows. He could do this without end – simply look at her. 

Now she paused and glanced up at him, becoming aware of his gaze, and the hint of a grin played on her lips as her cheeks reddened. Clearing her throat, she turned back to the text in front of her and continued. Seth made a conscious effort to redirect his focus on what she was reading to him, but he kept getting distracted. For a moment, he closed his eyes and just listened to her voice, feeling the slight breeze on his face and inhaling the smell of the spring garden. Of all the ways to spend time, this one was his favorite: Just him and Kay, enjoying each other's company. 

Even though it was always bittersweet. It was like two parts of him were constantly at war with each other. The part that still had all those feelings for Kay and longed for her, and the part that knew he needed to protect his heart. So far, neither part was winning.

Seth had hoped it would get better with time, but it hadn't – on the contrary. The more time he and Kay spent together, the more he wondered where all of this would end. He couldn't live without her, but the fact that he would never be close to her like he wished to – that killed him. Because if there was anything or anyone in the world he would have wanted, it was her. It had always been her.

"Isn't that crazy?" Kay was looking up at him.

Seth blinked. She was obviously referring to something in that article, and he had no idea what she had just read. He cleared his throat. "Yeah," he nodded earnestly. "Really crazy."

Crazy.

Roberta was coming through the terrace door, walking across the lawn toward them. Seth glanced at the clock on his phone's display. It was almost 4 pm – her shift was ending. He pulled his control closer with his teeth and had the seat move fully upright, then drove in Bertie's direction to meet her halfway.

"Seth," she said with an apologetic look, slightly out of breath. "I've got my other client in half an hour, I really need to leave."

He frowned. "Brian isn't here yet?"

Roberta shook her head. "You haven't heard from him? I tried calling, but he didn't pick up."

It was unlike Brian to be late – in fact, this was probably the first time ever. "He's coming from out of town, straight from a family function," Seth remarked. "He's probably just stuck in traffic."

"Well," Bertie shrugged. "Wherever he is, I can't wait any longer, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure he’ll be here soon."

"Anything you need right now? Before I go." She glanced at her watch.

He shook his head. "All good, thanks."

"Ok Hon, you take care," Roberta said in a motherly voice, already turning away. "See you Tuesday night."

Ten minutes later, Brian still wasn't there. Instead, he called Seth on the phone. His car had broken down in the middle of the highway. And because it had taken him forever to get through to the towing company, he was still waiting for their service vehicle to arrive. "I'm so sorry, Dude," he apologized.

"It’s fine," Seth told him. "I'm glad you’re ok. I can call that agency for tonight."

He had used them twice before, when his own PCAs had been sick. It could be a bit of a pain to give all the first-time instructions, depending on who they sent, but at least it was a reliable backup option if all else failed.

"No, I'll be there," Brian assured at the other end of the line. "I'm coming straight to you as soon as the car’s been towed. Might take up to an hour though."

"Where are you, exactly?" 

"Just before the Harbor exit," Brian said in dismay, and Seth shared a silent look with Kay, who was standing next to him and had heard it all through the phone's speaker.

"It's gonna take him forever to get here," she remarked once Brian had hung up. 

Seth produced a wry smile. "Yeah."

"Good thing I’m here. I'm just gonna wait till he arrives." She attempted to make it sound light, but she had that particular look on her face again, the one with the worry line. 

Seth cocked an eyebrow at her. "I can be alone for a few hours, you know." 

"Of course you can," she shrugged. "Still more convenient when someone‘s around though, right? Just in case."

Just in case. Who was he kidding: He was feeling kind of uneasy right now. Sure, as long as nothing came up, he was fine by himself. But the problem was, things usually did come up. He always needed help with something at some point, or his body acted up in some way or another, sooner or later. Right now, he wasn't alone; Kay was here – which, ironically, was exactly what worried Seth the most. 

They stayed in the garden; the weather was just too nice for anything else. Kay got them something to drink from the house, then she wanted to see the newest pictures from Japan that his parents kept sending him. She leaned half over him, one hand on his shoulder and her other forearm resting on top of his as she swiped through the photos on his phone. Some strands of hair had come out of her loose bun, and they tickled Seth's nose when the wind blew them in his face.

They both looked to the sky when a cloud glided in front of the sun for a moment. A cool breeze caught up. "Think it's gonna rain?" Kay mumbled, and her hand disappeared from his shoulder when she straightened up.

Seth smirked at her, because the question reminded him of something. "Remember that time when we got completely soaked on our way to that pool party?" he asked.

Kay laughed out loud at the memory. "Oh my God. I don’t think I was ever that wet in my life."

"You were dating that guy..."

"Noah."

"Right. You were supposed to meet him there," Seth grinned. "And you went into complete panic mode."

She snickered, shaking her head at herself. "Just because my hair and makeup got all messed up."

Seth smiled. It was one of his favorite memories with her, and it was full of iconic imagery that would never fade. Like Kay standing in the middle of the street like a wet poodle, her face dumbstruck. Or the two of them running through the downpour toward the next porch, then laughing tears when arriving at the party completely soaked.

"I remember I desperately tried to reconstruct my whole styling," Kay rolled her eyes laughing. "I was actually, seriously worried Noah wouldn't like me anymore if I looked run down like that."

Seth couldn't help but lend her a wicked grin. "Meanwhile I was just thinking: 'Good, then we’ll be rid of that jerk.'"

Kay's jaw dropped. "You what?!"

He coyly raised an eyebrow, shrugging. "He was a jerk. And besides, I was jealous. I always was, of all the guys you dated."

Seemingly rendered speechless for a second, Kay stared at him in amazement. "It was the exact same thing for me," she finally uttered. "Back then, I never truly admitted it to myself, but in a way, I always wanted all your dates and relationships to fail." She cringed, covering her face. "God, I'm an awful person."

Chuckling, Seth winked at her. "Very awful, but I'm flattered. Besides, we can be awful together. I felt the same about your relationships."

They gazed at each other with sheepish grins for a moment. Kay was running a hand over her pulled back hair. "Kind of ironic," she smirked. "If you think about it, we could've just –"

She never got to finish her sentence, because it was at that moment that the clouds opened and the rain started beating down on them. There hadn't even been a warning in the form of thunder or of some isolated drops first – it was as if someone had just turned on the shower full force. This wasn't merely rain; it was a downpour.

Kay squealed as she stood frozen like a petrified statue, her mouth open. Seth couldn't believe it – it was just like back then. "You should see your face right now," he laughed, and he almost had to shout the words because the patter of the rain was so loud. 

Now she started laughing, too. "I can't believe it," she screamed, looking at her clothes that were almost thoroughly wet already. Then she stretched out her arms and twirled, welcoming the shower pouring down on them. She looked beautiful. Just like when the rain had surprised them all those years ago. Seth felt like his heart was about to burst with affection. He barely registered the myriad of chilly raindrops running down his own face, and how they made their way down the back of his neck and his collarbone, before abruptly disappearing where his sensation faded. He couldn't stop laughing, and neither could Kay. It was like time had come to a standstill. Another moment he wanted to conserve and store forever.

Abruptly, he felt his chest tighten, accompanied by a distant sense of vibration – his abdomen was spasming. Kay's laugh was faltering ever so slightly when she looked down on him. His fingers were quivering as the droplets kept hitting them, and the muscles in his thighs were trembling, too. They looked at each other, both thinking the same: That – as fun as this was – maybe it wasn't such a great idea to just keep standing here in the pouring rain forever. "We should get inside," Kay shouted, and Seth nodded, leaning for his control.

When they entered the living room through the terrace door a couple of minutes later, both of them were thoroughly wet from head to toe, and the wheelchair was leaving a trail of water and dirt on the floor. "Towels?" Kay inquired, already twisting her dripping hair into a cord.

"In my bathroom closet," Seth replied. "On the left side," and Kay disappeared into the hallway.

After the nature sounds outside, the house felt very quiet – too quiet. Seth looked down on himself. For some reason he didn't feel like laughing anymore.

Kay returned with a stack of towels as well as cleaning rags from the kitchen, and the first thing she did was kneel down on the floor to wipe up the mess that had built up around and under his chair as well as catch the water that was still dripping down from it. "You brought in a small ocean," she joked, grinning up at him. 

Seth miserably failed at his attempt to return the smile. The fun part of this was over. This wasn't them on their way to that pool party. Because unlike years ago, one of them was sitting soaked in a wheelchair, with no PCA around. 

Kay was probably thinking the same. She mustered him furtively when she stood up from the floor, her eyes swiftly taking in his appearance. Seth knew what she was seeing: His khakis were thoroughly wet; not only on the top of his thighs, but all over, and his shirt was clinging to his skin. Where he could feel it, he was starting to get cold.

"Here," Kay said softly when she unfolded one of the towels and, stepping right next to him, held it up. Seth shyly met her gaze as he brought his head forward, and she gently started rubbing off his hair, and in the process his face and neck too. He bit his lips when she moved the towel down to his chest and he watched as she carefully dabbed and rubbed his arms and legs with the slightest line of tension on her brow. The quiet of the room had become deafening all of a sudden. 

She straightened up again to move back to his head, giving it a final rub. As she tenderly combed back his hair with her fingers, Seth closed his eyes, and he wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or because of the feel of her fingers running over his scalp that he had to clench his jaw to keep it from trembling. 

"Thanks," he said hoarsely when she pulled back, and Kay smiled, her eyes soft. 

"Sure."

"You should put on something dry," he remarked, glancing at her soaked clothes. She had definitely won the wet t-shirt contest here. The lilac fabric of her top was clinging to her breasts, nipples visible even through the bra that she was wearing. And her denim shorts didn't look like there was much dryness left in them either.

Kay cleared her throat, nodding. "Yeah, uh, can I take some of your clothes?"

"Of course," he shrugged. "Whatever you need. Everything's in the dresser in my room."

She came back wearing his grey college shirt and a pair of boxers, both obviously much too big on her. Which was exactly what made the outfit adorable and sexy. Seth smiled. "They definitely look better on you than on me."

Kay chuckled, but her eyes were kind of serious. She glanced at him nervously, kneading her hands. 

Oh no.

"You can't stay like this either," she stated, nodding her head at his still form. "Your clothes are still wet."

Seth avoided her gaze and furtively glanced down on himself again. He could very well see that the toweling process from before hadn't done much in terms of drying his clothes off. "No," he mumbled, trying to make his tone light. "It's fine."

With a scoff, Kay stepped closer, and he saw her squeeze his unresponsive fingers. "Seth. Your hands are freezing."

"Probably, but I'm not cold," he lied, his jaw tightening. He knew where she was going with this, and it made him nervous as hell.

Kay sighed, her eyes locking with his. "Look. We both know I need to get you out of these clothes. Just tell –"

"No," he interrupted her a bit too loudly, decidedly shaking his head. "Absolutely not." There was no way he was going to let her do that. This was the kind of thing he only let his PCAs do, no one else. Certainly not Kay. "Brian will be here soon," he argued. "Just put a blanket on me."

Kay rolled her eyes. "A blanket's not gonna cut it, Seth, because you're still gonna be in those wet clothes." She scowled at him. "You know I can see the goosebumps on your neck, right?"

Damn. "Or I call the backup agency," he shrugged stiffly. "They can send someone within less than an hour."

Kay put her hands on her hips. She looked annoyed now. "You're being ridiculous. You can't wait an hour. You can't even wait half an hour. Do I really need to say it out loud?"

No, she didn't. He couldn't afford to just sit here like this for much longer, and not only because of how cold he was. Seth clenched his jaw in frustration. Kay was right, and he fucking hated it. The thought of her having to peel those clothes off his skinny, unresponsive body made him want to throw up.

"I get that you don't like this," she said, raising her eyebrows at him. "But it's only me, Seth." She waged a smirk. "I've undressed you before."

That's exactly the problem. "But not like this," he said hoarsely.

Kay winced ever so slightly at that. "Yeah, well," she snorted. "That doesn't change the fact that you’re risking your health right now just because you don't want me to –"

Fuck. "Ok," Seth interrupted her, not meeting her gaze. "Ok. Let's do it."

Kay released a sigh, obviously relieved. "Right. What do I do?"

He took a breath, pulling himself together. "You have to release the laterals." He pointed his chin down toward the pads hugging his sides.

She nodded, and after moving his control out of the way, bent down to examine the supports. "Do I just pull, or…?"

"There's a latch you need to press, then you can swing them to the side."

It took her some fumbling and soft cursing, but she did it. Straightening, she glanced at him hesitantly. "How do I best get your shirt off?"

Seth blinked. He was used to instructing people in this, and normally, they didn't even need to ask what the next step was because he would lead them through all the way. But right now, he felt sort of numb inside, almost… paralyzed. Ha ha. Swallowing, he looked up. "Pull my arms through first."

She started with his left side, aka his more difficult side, but she had no way of knowing that. His elbow resisted when she wanted to bend it, wrist and hand stiff, and Kay bit her lip nervously. 

"Just push against it," he told her gently. "You're not gonna hurt me."

"Alright," she mumbled, and he could see her applying a little more force as well as press into the crook if his arm. Soon she was able to pull the limb out of the sleeve, placing his hand in his lap. 

The right arm went through more swiftly, and Kay started to push his shirt up towards his chest. She didn't get very far of course with him sitting back, and she looked at him expectantly. Seth licked his lips, because he was feeling extra self-conscious about this part. "You’ve got to lean me forward," he said without really meeting her eyes, then cleared his throat. "Stand right in front of me." 

She obliged, stepping so close that her knees were framing his, then she hesitantly put her hands on his shoulders. "Uhm, now I just… ?"

"Yes, just pull me toward you a bit. You can support my weight with your body. Lean me up against you." Seth had to keep himself from grimacing when he said it, because he hated this so much. He didn't know why exactly it was, but having not the slightest use of his trunk was one of the things about his disability that made him feel most helpless. Maybe because it so blatantly pointed out the fact that his whole body was purely dead weight – every inch of it, not only his arms and legs, and that he needed to be handled like a ragdoll.

Kay fastened her grip around his shoulders, then she pulled, and he felt his center of gravity shift when he was moved away from the backrest. His head came to rest against her chest, just above her breast, of all places. Seth almost didn't dare to breathe. Good thing she was wearing that t-shirt of his, which covered her up almost up to her neckline. It also didn't smell of Kay but of himself. Being this close to her was bad enough. And yet so good. He could feel her heartbeat on his forehead, and he imagined the touch of her hands on his skin as they were pulling up the shirt in his back. Sometimes he didn't know what was worse: Not feeling her but having all the memories of it, or feeling her without being able to touch her back.

"Ok," Kay now panted, and he felt the crumpled up fabric of his shirt being pushed up at the back of his neck. 

"Sit me back," he grunted into her chest, and a couple of seconds later, he was leaning against the backrest again, with Kay pulling the shirt over his head. 

For the shortest moment, their eyes met, and Kay blinked, her cheeks red. If he hadn't been feeling so cold, Seth would have probably broken out in a sweat. He felt so terribly exposed, now that he was sitting in front of her with his upper body bare, and he swallowed nervously, averting his eyes. He also didn't look when Kay grabbed one of the towels and swiftly started running it over his skin to get rid of the remaining dampness. He hated this so much. Kay was literally the last person he wanted to have to do this; the last person he wanted to see what his body truly looked like nowadays. The last person he wanted to have so close and yet so damned unreachable.

He just hoped that Brian was about to walk in any moment now – before Kay would even get close to start working on his lower half.

To be continued...