Not Gay - Table Of Contents

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4 
Chapter 5 
Chapter 6 
Chapter 7 
Chapter 8 
Chapter 9 
Chapter 10 
Chapter 11 
Chapter 12 
Chapter 13 
Chapter 14 
Chapter 15 
Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32 

Not Gay - Chapter 19

Jay’s car barely stays on track in the last turn but then all that’s left is the homestretch to the finish line and he pushes the button on the control down so hard that his fingertip starts hurting. His triumphant cry dies in his throat as Chris’ car hurdles past him and over the finish line, only a split second before Jay would have won the game.

Not Gay - Chapter 20

Everyone is trying to hug at the same time: the dancers in Jay’s team, friends and family of the dancers, managers of the club, and random visitors. With the blaring music in his ears and the weight of the medal pressing against his sweaty shirt, Jay manages to free himself from the crowd and jogs to the far side of the dance floor. Without hesitation he vaults lightly over the low barrier separating audience and dancers, and almost barrels right into Darren who parks in the designated wheelchair space in the front row, effectively trapped between barrier and tightly packed audience behind him. Darren’s smile makes way only shortly for a mildly surprised expression as Jay throws himself at him without a second thought about onlookers.

Not Gay - Chapter 21

It has been a brilliant idea to book a double room close to the competition hall with a late checkout option, even if most hotels had already been full at the time Jay thought of booking. Jay can’t help but congratulate himself as he stumbles in front of Darren through the door to their hotel room, barely able to hold his eyes open. The room offers a bed large enough for two to sleep in, Darren’s wheelchair seems to fit through the bottle neck between the entrance to the bathroom and the closet, and when the door falls shut behind them the room turns out to be quiet enough.

Not Gay - Chapter 22

Jay thinks he finally gets the hang of it. Of him and Darren being a couple. There’s a moment one night, as they are standing in line at the cinema, when Darren manages to grab Jay’s hand that is dangling at his side, and Jay almost jumps over the trash can behind them. But then he holds Darren’s left hand tighter, capturing the stiff fingers in his, and pretends his mind isn’t reeling. He tells himself he doesn’t notice people looking, more than they usually do when Darren is around.

Not Gay - Chapter 23

Weeks fly by, and eventually, Jay’s dance training resumes. Darren visits Jay most days after work, provided there’s no training session scheduled, and on weekends, Jay takes the train out of the city to Darren’s place. Darren never stays for the night during weekdays unless they mess up their schedule. Sometimes, if they get too wasted on a night out with the guys, the plastic bottle makes a reappearance. While Jay enjoys the long days and nights with Darren at Darren’s house, there is one downside: they are almost never alone there. One of Darren’s housemates may come in at any time, and more often than not, they stay specifically for Darren’s needs.

Not Gay - Chapter 24

Jay isn’t even that big a fan of cinema, and neither does he think Darren is. But somehow, they find themselves again and again in the red plush cinema chairs, as the lights dim around them and the large screen in front of them illuminates. They take turns choosing movies, Jay slowly but unabashedly revealing his love for sappy romance, while Darren steadfastly demands the same type of action flick over and over again.

Not Gay - Chapter 25

There's something Jay has been tiptoeing around, so much so that he's afraid any more tiptoeing will cause him to fall over. Or strain his calf muscles. So, one lonely evening, Jay picks up his phone, scrolling through it idly before mustering the courage to call Darren. He smoked enough of Chris' weed to calm his nerves beforehand, but not so much that his heart doesn't skip a beat as he hears Darren's tired growl answering at the other end of the line.

Not Gay - Chapter 26

Jay pops into Darren's house so often on weekends now that he doesn't think it necessary to announce his visits beforehand. One wintry Saturday, when he rings Darren's doorbell as usual, an older woman opens the door instead of his boyfriend, smiling widely.

Not Gay - Chapter 27

The pre-Christmas weeks are busy for Darren at work, so Jay doesn't see much of his boyfriend, except for some weekends at Darren's house. He manages to persuade Darren to attend the Christmas party of Jay's dance company, though. The evening is enjoyable, with loads of good food, drinks, and comfortable banter among Khristina, Olha, Darren, and Jay. Olha secures the remaining bits of dessert from the buffet and shares them with Darren, while Khristina puts her stockinged feet up in Jay's lap, demanding a warm-up massage before they hit the dance floor.

Not Gay - Chapter 28

When Jay wakes the next morning, the sun hasn't fully risen yet. Darren's breath is still deep and uniform, his body peaceful. Not for the first time, Jay wonders about the fact that Darren's disability most of the time isn't visible when he sleeps, while it's undeniable from his features alone when he's awake. Now his brows are even, his eyes are comfortably closed, and his lips slightly parted; there's no twitch of a muscle or jerk of his head that would betray his condition. Jay watches Darren's chest unfailingly rising and falling for a while, until the light changes from murky blue to slightly orange. Knowing Darren isn't always granted a long night of sleep due to occasional spasms, he takes utmost care not to disturb him as he carefully untangles himself from the bedding and tiptoes out of the room.

Not Gay - Chapter 29

The guys meet at Jay’s place for a pre-Christmas party, though this mostly means video games, beer, and a few too many rounds of joints. Chris bakes pizza and his own brand of cookies in Jay’s kitchen, wearing a Santa hat like the lunatic that he is. Jay lounges on the couch with the others, battling them at Mario Kart and making fun of Elmer getting his pants in a twist about what he’ll give his girlfriend as a present for Christmas.

Not Gay - Chapter 30

The next morning is a Saturday, and Jay wakes to the sun shining bright through the curtains and the smell of bacon roasting on the stove. The couch is empty as he enters the living room, but the rest is a mess, empty beer bottles and plates stacked everywhere, stray clothes, blankets, and overflowing ashtrays lying around. He opens the windows to the icy cold air and joins Darren in the kitchen, who is trying to pry open a packet of coffee beans using his left hand and his teeth.

Not Gay - Chapter 31

"Close your eyes."

"Seriously?" Darren's smirk is half annoyed, half intrigued. "What's your plan? Trying to abduct me?" Snow is still melting from his cherry-red mittens, and his winter coat is zipped up tight against the cold outside. It's mid-January, and it hasn't stopped snowing for days.

"Got a surprise for you," Jay says, grinning. He just begged Darren inside, giving him a quick peck on the nose, too excited for a proper greeting. Darren's wheelchair hasn't made it much past the carpet in the entrance hall—the one Jay bought hoping it would soak up the snowy mud still clinging to Darren's wheels. It's only partly working, but right now he couldn't care less. "Please? It's important. You'll like it, promise." Jay stands in the hallway with his hands clasped behind his back, practically buzzing with energy as he refrains from jumping up and down.

Not gay - Chapter 32

Jay backs the rental truck into the reserved space in front of the apartment building, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. Even after multiple trips between apartments today, he still hasn't gotten used to the truck's unwieldy size. Therese, riding shotgun, watches his overcautious parking job, the look she shoots at him from under her black lashes conveying nothing but pity.

"Well, at least that's the last time I've had to witness this," she quips, hopping out and stretching her arms toward the sky, her black shirt rising up, exposing white skin.