Sunday, August 29, 2021

Not Gay - Chapter 21

It has been a brilliant idea to book a double room close to the competition hall with a late checkout option, even if most hotels had already been full at the time Jay thought of booking. Jay can’t help but congratulate himself as he stumbles in front of Darren through the door to their hotel room, barely able to hold his eyes open. The room offers a bed large enough for two to sleep in, Darren’s wheelchair seems to fit through the bottle neck between the entrance to the bathroom and the closet, and when the door falls shut behind them the room turns out to be quiet enough.

The night following the dance finals had extended far longer than Jay had anticipated, with a few drinks too many and dancing that definitely wouldn’t have been worth a medal. While Jay is surprised he can still walk after all, he’s even more impressed by Darren’s ability to steer the wheelchair in and out of the small lift cabin that brought them up here, without causing more paint to peel off the shabby wall.

“Fuck, I’m trashed,” Jay sighs as he throws both their bags into a heap on the floor on one side of the sparsely lit room.

Darren mumbles something in response that sounds like he agrees. He’s a bit lopsided in his wheelchair, leaning over to his left like he’s bracing himself against the armrest to prevent falling out of his chair.

“Mind if I use the bathroom first?” Jay asks.

“Mmmh…” Darren is preoccupied, glancing at the room as Jay did, frowning. He doesn’t seem to arrive at an equally positive judgement as Jay. “This isn’t an accessible hotel room, is it?”

Slightly baffled, Jay ruffles up his sweaty hair, looking around the room a second time, trying to see it with Darren’s eyes. True enough, it appears like any ordinary hotel room. But what does an accessible room like like, anyway?

“Um… hang on.” It takes a while for Jay to dig up the details about the booking process in his slow brain. “If I remember correctly, the accessible rooms were all booked up.” He lifts his hands in an appeasing gesture although Darren didn’t even stir. “But the hotel manager said this one was as good as an accessible room,” Jay goes on, nodding to himself.

The manager had been pretty convincing that it wouldn’t make a difference that the hotel room wasn’t officially labeled ‘accessible’ on the homepage, Jay remembers. Just a technicality, the manager had explained. It was hard enough to find any free room nearby, and one that’s within Jay’s price range, too, so Jay figured they’d have to go with whatever he could get. Jay didn’t expect it to be a problem, either, as long as the wheelchair fit into the room, and that the manager had assured him. Darren could stand and walk, in a way, so he wasn’t really dependent on accessibility, Jay had thought. Plus, Jay would be there to help.

But of course, letting himself be helped isn’t one of Darren’s favorite pastimes. And indeed, the term ‘walking’ is a bit of a stretch regarding Darren.

“This isn’t a problem, is it?” Jay asks and watches Darren anxiously, starting to feel less and less sure that he made a good choice.

Luckily, Darren seems too tired to worry much. Or to be angry at Jay. His shoulders twitch into a shrug and he gestures with his head at the bathroom door. “Go ahead, Jay.”

Feeling lucky to be able to escape the conversation, Jay drags himself into the bathroom to take a quick shower and dutifully brushes his teeth. While he squints into the small mirror, doubt creeps back into his mind. Can Darren use the bathroom? The bathroom looks considerably larger than Jay’s at home, so at least he’s positive Darren will be able to maneuver the wheelchair inside. Maybe even turn it around. Apart from that, things might get difficult for someone who isn’t mobile at all, since there are no grab bars near the toilet and there’s only a tiny shower. But Darren can deal with that, right? Jay realizes that he really doesn’t know.

Shame prickles in the back of Jay’s neck when he remembers how few thoughts he’d spent on accessibility for their hotel room. And, if he’s really honest, it’s also partly because he never believed Darren would come to the finals. Somehow, Jay had always anticipated that Darren would find an excuse not to go, as he had done for most training sessions Jay invited him to. Or, if he came, he’d leave early and wouldn’t stay the night.

So shit, here they are now, at the end of a wonderful day that could still end somewhat catastrophic.

When Jay exits the bathroom, crumbled pajamas put on the right way on the second try and silver medal clutched in his hand, Darren is already occupying the side of the bed facing away from the small window. He has shed his clothes except for his boxers and is snoring softly into the pillow. The electric wheelchair parks next to Darren’s side of the bed, in an angle because of the tight space, the controls lighting up in the dark and illuminating the pile of clothes Darren has dumped on the seat. Jay has no idea how Darren managed to park this close to the bed. The overturned bedside table on Darren’s side indicates however that he may have used pure force and some healthy portion of indifference.

Sighing in relief, Jay is very grateful he won’t have to find out today if Darren can access the bathroom or not. As he tiptoes around Darren’s large form, he can’t help but grin a little. Darren is sleeping peacefully, sprawled on his belly, only his muscular back moving up and down with his breaths, and Jay thinks that Darren’s warning that he may interrupt Jay’s sleep due to his movements seems unwarranted. On an impulse, Jay turns the controls of the wheelchair off, lest the beep when they automatically turn off wakes them both up later. Darren grunts something and stirs slightly, his right hand tightening into a quick fist, but he doesn’t wake up.

Slipping under the covers on the other side of the bed, Jay realizes it’s their first time actually sharing a bed. After that one night when Darren stayed at Jay’s place because the trains weren’t running, when Darren had slept on the couch and peed into a bottle, neither of them had been very keen on another sleepover at Jay’s place. Of course, since then, Jay has crashed at Darren’s house many times, but because Darren’s bed is a single bed, he always occupied the couch in the living room.

Exhausted from an eventful day, Jay falls asleep almost immediately after throwing a last happy glance at the silver medal that he placed on the bedside table on his side. During the night he dimly notices waking up a few times when Darren turns, which indeed seems to take him some effort and time. The mattress they share is very soft, though, and since Darren isn’t a lightweight, Jay is almost sure he’d have woken up even if Darren had been able to turn like any other person. Jay falls asleep again within seconds every time Darren disturbs him, so it doesn’t really bother him.

In the morning Jay wakes to a room illuminated with warm, golden light from the late morning sun. He opens his eyes and takes a minute to look at Darren who is still fast asleep, lying on his side facing Jay. In the brighter light it seems unnatural that he isn’t moving, except for breathing. It’s almost as if Jay is observing a statue, so used is he to the small twitches in Darren’s face and shoulders, or the occasional jerking of his legs, that the absence of movement is disconcerting. Even Darren’s right arm isn’t trembling, although Jay can see the muscles being unusually tense for someone who’s asleep. He reaches out with his hand to touch Darren’s shoulder and lets his fingers glide over impressive bulges.

Darren is without doubt the hottest guy Jay has ever met, in all senses of the word, and just right now Jay doesn’t have a clue as to how he deserves him. It seems highly unlikely that they are together – partners, as Khristina had put it – and if he hadn’t heard it from Darren himself he’d doubt that was even real. But the warm, soft skin under Jay’s palm is real, and as he rubs little circles with his thumb over Darren’s upper arm, feeling the muscle underneath relax a fraction, the fingers of Darren’s bad hand uncurling some more, Jay’s own cock stirs in his pants. It’s unfair how anyone can be this attractive, he thinks, grinning slightly as he carefully scoots closer.

Darren smells musky and faintly of alcohol and sweat. Jay tries not to wake him as he takes himself in hand beneath the covers, swallowing a moan as his cock quickly grows. He works himself up quietly, watching Darren’s chest rise and fall, the occasional, if barely detectible twitch in his shoulders. His breath hitches as he thinks of coming in Darren’s trembling fist yesterday, and the image of looking down at Darren as he climaxed. Biting on his lips, Jay concentrates on not coming right away, closing his eyes briefly to draw it out some more. He wonders if he can get any closer to Darren, rub against his large body when he comes.

As Jay opens his eyes again he realizes Darren is awake and looking at him. Jay gasps and lets go of himself, feeling strangely as if Darren caught him at something forbidden. Darren’s right hand forms a fist in front of his chest again, as if it wants to emphasize that Darren isn’t asleep anymore. His whole body is back to its tenser state, muscles coiled, legs writhing slightly under the covers. Darren’s eyes though are focused, almost predatory.

Darren makes a muffled sound, wriggling his left hand free and pulls Jay with him as he rolls onto his back, overpowering Jay with surprising strength. Jay squeaks as he comes to lie on Darren chest to chest, then laughs a little embarrassed and frames Darren’s face with his hands to gently kiss him. Darren immediately kisses him back with a hungry moan rumbling up from his chest.

“Sorry I woke you up,” Jay mumbles, inhaling Darren’s scent while his still hard cock feels wonderful squished between their bodies, with just a layer of clothing between them. Canting his hips imperceptibly, Jay searches for more friction, averting his eyes at that.

Darren tips Jay’s head up with the knuckles of his left hand on Jay’s cheek. It takes him a moment to get his tongue to cooperate – Jay thinks it must still be asleep. “Don’t,” Darren rasps then, his voice hoarse. “Let me see,” he adds, vocals dragging more than Jay is used to.

Hesitantly, Jay moves his hips again. With undivided attention, Darren watches Jay hump him, his left hand groping Jay’s ass, sometimes pinching without intent. At first, Jay feels awkward but then he relaxes into the delicious feeling between his legs, small moans falling from his lips that get louder as he nears orgasm. Jay can feel Darren’s cock between them swelling as well, and the occasional jerk of his body, and it makes him come faster than he aimed to, wetness spreading between them as Jay releases with a surprised cry. He allows his arms to give out and buries his face against Darren’s throat, catching his breath.

“Well done.” Darren’s low voice is so close to Jay’s ear it’s making goosebumps raise on his skin. His heavy hand rubs slowly over Jay’s back and Jay thinks he’s going to purr like a cat.

After a while, Jay pushes himself up a little. Darren is almost smiling at him. There’s something very tender in the larger guy’s eyes that makes Jay feel like he’s going to dissolve into tears.

“Clothes off,” Darren commands and saves Jay from an embarrassing show of emotions.

Quick to oblige, Jay sits back on his heels, his arms aching a little, and wiggles out of his pajamas and soiled boxers. He doesn’t think twice as he assists Darren in pulling his underwear down over stiff legs. Realizing his boldness, he checks with Darren, but can’t see any sign that the other is angry at Jay for crossing some boundary. Releasing held breath, Jay scuttles away to get lube and hide his own confusion.

When Jay returns, Darren has scooted more toward the middle of the bed and turned onto his right side. He gestures with his head to the empty space next to him. “Come here.”

Jay climbs into bed and receives urgent kisses from Darren that make Jay mewl and grin against Darren’s lips. Darren’s tongue is confident and far more skilled than any other muscle in his body seems to be, and if Jay hadn’t just come he’d probably be rock hard again. As it is, there is a buzzing intensifying within himself that makes him feel like he’s floating.

“What?” Darren asks, his lose fist hooked behind Jay’s neck jerking a little.

“Nothing,” Jay hurriedly replies, aware that he’s still grinning like an idiot. Then, he admits in a mumble: “I’m enjoying this,” and his cheeks heat up.

Darren smiles for real now and Jay holds his breath while it lasts. Then he swoops in for another kiss.

“Turn around,” Darren whispers against Jay’s lips.

“What?” Jay protests half-jokingly as Darren breaks the kiss. He doesn’t want any of this to stop. “Can’t stand my stupid happy face?”

Darren grunts. “Nah. It’s lovely,” he replies, rolling his eyes. The corners of his lips twitch slightly, betraying him.

Jay giggles and steals another kiss, pressing himself against Darren’s body. Only to realize that the sweat on Darren’s face has a reason other than the sun shining through the windows. Darren’s cock is begging for attention and leaking between them, and from the muscle pulsing in Darren’s jaw Jay deduces that it must be urgent, bordering on painful.

Acting quickly, Jay scoots back a little and lubes Darren up. He massages Darren’s cock until the other groans with pleasure, eyes closed and limbs twitching slightly.

“Now. Turn.” Darren’s speech is deteriorating again, the muscles in the sides of his neck forming thick cords as he fights for control.

Jay complies at once, swallowing a protest against not seeing Darren’s face in orgasm this time. Darren throws his left arm around Jay and pulls them close, Jay’s back pressed firmly against Darren’s broad chest. Darren’s breath is erratic in Jay’s ears and for a few seconds Jay is clueless as to what Darren plans to do, until Darren manages to hook a trembling knee over Jay and Jay feels Darren’s hard member poking in his back. Instinctively he scoots back some more, providing more stability for Darren as he does, and opens his legs slightly for Darren’s cock to slip in between the gap. Darren gasps, his hand on Jay’s chest opening and closing with spasms, and his hips rut weakly against Jay. Lying on his side Darren doesn’t seem to have the range of motion to thrust properly, as he did standing up. Jay presses his legs together, attempting to intensify the pressure for Darren, and receives a guttural moan as an answer.

Jay pushes back with his hips against Darren’s weak attempts, aiding him, sweat collecting on his forehead from the effort and concentration it takes. In Jay’s neck, Darren’s breath is heavy and as his muscles tighten up with the activity, his groans become desperate. Jay sneaks a hand behind his back to wrap it around Darren’s base, prompting a cry of pleasure from Darren at that. Then Darren’s hips stutter and his whole body stiffens against Jay’s who can feel Darren’s cock pulsating between his fingers and his thighs as he comes in spurts, the leg that is hooked over Jay jerking at the knee.

It takes a long while until Darren seems able to move again and loosen the deadlock grip he kept around Jay. “Sorry,” he mumbles as he disentangles their arms and legs and rolls onto his back, not very gracefully. The sudden change in position punches a grunt from his lungs.

Jay mumbles something as he turns around as well and snuggles up against Darren, ready to drift back to sleep. But after just a few minutes Darren becomes restless again. “Need the bathroom,” he says.

“Uh, sure…” Jay gives Darren space and attempts to appear like he isn’t watching Darren struggling to sit up on the soft mattress. He sorts his clothes in his bag and fishes new ones out, all while Darren slowly makes his way over to the edge of the bed and finally into the wheelchair that is after all still parked a bit too far away for comfort.

“Call me, um… if you need anything,” Jay says to Darren’s back as the larger man steers the wheelchair through the open door into the bathroom, all of a sudden remembering the shortcomings of the hotel room.

At least Jay was right regarding the size of the bathroom. Not only does Darren’s wheelchair fit inside, he also manages to turn it around after a few tries and some breathless swearing. Jay notices Darren’s legs are too stiff to place his feet on the footrests, they are hovering somewhere in front of them. Then Darren gives the door a little swing so that it falls shut between them, ignoring Jay.

Jay exhales, slightly relieved for now. He waits, poised, for some significant time on the edge of the bed, but Darren doesn’t call for help. This isn’t wholly unexpected, Jay even doubts Darren would alert him if he fell and couldn’t get up anymore.

As half an hour goes by without Darren reappearing, Jay truly hopes that’s not the case.

When housekeeping arrives around the time they are supposed to check out, Jay stammers an apology to the mildly annoyed cleaning lady. After a short discussion she leaves, satisfied by a generous tip, but not without the clear warning to come back at the end of her tour. Jay wanders up and down the hotel room, inwardly debating knocking on the bathroom door to make Darren hurry up. Before he can come to a decision, the door handle twitches and then Darren bumps the door open. Jay watches him closely, ready to take the blame for the shitty room, but although Darren doesn’t look like he took a shower, he seems much less murderous than Jay had expected.

So maybe this was just a normal bathroom time for Darren, Jay tells himself, not entirely convinced.

Later, as they are heading to a breakfast place before their train leaves, Jay apologizes to Darren: “Sorry that the room wasn’t really accessible.” He can’t bring himself to skip talking about the issue after all. “It was dumb of me to think we didn’t really, uh… need one.” He isn’t sure the plural form makes it any better. “Um… I should have… I should have come up with something better.”

Darren’s head lifts from observing the stretch of sidewalk before them. “Huh?” It seems to take a few seconds for Darren to remember what Jay is talking about. “Ah well. That was to be expected.”

Jay stops in his tracks, their two luggage bags that he’s carrying swinging into his thighs. What was to be expected? That Jay wouldn’t manage to book an appropriate room? Is Jay such a failure that Darren isn’t even surprised he’d mess up with their first night in a shared bed?

Damn. He really screwed up, didn’t he? Darren must be much angrier than he’s letting on. “Darren, I’m so sorry…” God, he has no clue how he can make this right again.

Darren’s wheelchair turns around in some distance as Darren notices Jay isn’t following him anymore. “What’s wrong?” Darren seems slightly impatient, his left leg lifting off the footrest.

“I’m so sorry I’m shit at this,” Jay admits in a rush, feeling tears prickling behind his eyelids. Geez, is he going to cry on top of everything now?

Darren steers the wheelchair closer to Jay again, eyes squinting. “Huh? What are you shit at?”

Jay blinks and doesn’t look at Darren. “I’m a terrible boyfriend,” he says in a shaky voice, his hands gripping the handles of the luggage bags harder. “I should have paid much more attention to your… to your limitations. I’m fucking sorry.”

Realization dawns on Darren’s face. He visibly suppresses a smile and, with some effort, manages to grab a fistful of Jay’s jacket and pull him into his lap. “Jay…” The luggage bags clatter onto the sidewalk. “You aren’t a shitty boyfriend, silly!”

Jay buries his face in Darren’s broad chest. “I’m not?” he mumbles. “But the hotel room…”

Darren laughs without joy this time. His right hand jumps at that. “Do you know how often I’ve slept in much worse hotel rooms? Hotels are just terrible for people with a disability. That’s a fact. I’m sure you did your best.”

“Huh, really?” Jay sniffs and dries his eyes on his sleeve. “Thanks. Um… you aren’t angry with me?”

Darren shakes his head. “No way. I know what it’s like to find an accessible room. And even if you find one you can’t be sure it’s actually serving your needs, you know?”

Jay nods, takes a deep breath and when Darren doesn’t add anything, he sits up a little. “Uh… there’s a café with excellent ratings around the corner,” he mumbles suddenly. “If we were still getting breakfast…?”

“See? That’s what I mean. You make an awesome boyfriend, thinking about nutrition and all that,” Darren says, grinning and playfully bumps his left hand into Jay’s chest. Jay blushes and hopes the café is somewhat accessible.

Five minutes later, Darren hums a little as he steers the wheelchair through the entrance of a cozy, if rather crammed, café. Jay follows more hesitantly, worried at what obstacles may await them.

They don’t make it far into the café before Darren’s wheelchair gets stuck between two tables that are placed very close to each other. He can’t get any further without knocking into at least one of the tables with an armrest. As the waiter shoos a few people from their places near the entrance to a table further in the back to make room for Darren and Jay, Darren’s face hardens. Thinking quickly, Jay picks up the menu from a nearby table.

“We should leave,” he says, straight-faced.

Darren lifts an eyebrow but he doesn’t seem very far from agreeing to Jay.

“They don’t have French toast,” Jay explains, shoving the menu at Darren who hesitates, then chuckles.

“Their French toast wouldn’t be as good as yours, anyway,” he says good-naturedly and finally parks the wheelchair, nodding toward the waiter in a curt thanks.

Jay exhales, smiling. That went well.

Much delicious moments later, as Jay scoops up the last crumbs on his plate, he finally asks Darren what occupies his mind. “Be honest, the hotel room was pretty terrible, right?”

“Oh yes, it was,” Darren replies bluntly. He chuckles at Jay’s shocked expression. “And as I said, I’m very much used to it, don’t worry. It was worth it.” He looks at Jay, smirking almost, and Jay nearly chokes on the last bits of his pancake. He empties his water glass in one go.

“And for the record, I don’t want you to focus on my limitations,” Darren says, suddenly back to serious. “I can do that very well for myself.”

Jay isn’t sure he’s allowed to grin at that, but he does so anyway, glancing quickly at the waiter walking past. “Ok,” he says finally.

“Only one thing. From now on, let me do the booking of our hotel rooms,” Darren adds. “Ok?”

Jay sighs but smiles even wider at the prospect of a next time. “Awesome! Gladly, actually.”

Darren chuckles knowingly.


  1. What a great chapter, so so devy. Thanks so much Lovis for posting again, I was immediately drawn into the story again without having to read the last chapter.

    1. Thanks! I'm glad this still works for you even though I'm being such a slow writer currently.

  2. That was a great chapter. So glad you are back and I agree. Easy to float right back in.

    1. Thanks for commenting! I'm so happy to be able to share this with you.

  3. I was so happy to see these two boys again!! Thank you so much for sharing this!!!! You made my day!!

  4. Had to reread the entire thing. I love your writing so much and I love this chapter!! Thank you for posting!