Not Gay - Chapter 27

The pre-Christmas weeks are busy for Darren at work, so Jay doesn't see much of his boyfriend, except for some weekends at Darren's house. He manages to persuade Darren to attend the Christmas party of Jay's dance company, though. The evening is enjoyable, with loads of good food, drinks, and comfortable banter among Khristina, Olha, Darren, and Jay. Olha secures the remaining bits of dessert from the buffet and shares them with Darren, while Khristina puts her stockinged feet up in Jay's lap, demanding a warm-up massage before they hit the dance floor.
As the evening wears on, Jay searches for Darren's gaze, raising his eyebrows. He knows that Darren won't catch the last train if he doesn't leave soon. Darren shrugs and returns his attention to Khristina, who's trying to teach him the basics of Salsa.

"It's like dum, dum, dum, pause, dum, dum, dum, pause. You see?" she says, swaying her hips as she walks in place in front of Darren's wheelchair. "And when I move forward like this, you use your thingy here to move back a bit." She circles her finger at Darren's control, and Darren, uncharacteristically, chuckles and wills his left hand to make the wheelchair jolt back somewhat. "That's right, and then forward again while I go back. Excellent!"

Jay concludes Darren is staying at his apartment tonight, which they usually try to avoid because Jay's bathroom isn't accessible. Lately though, Jay has put his free evenings to good use and tried to improve the situation. He can't wait to show Darren, although he would have liked to have the opportunity to make further adjustments if necessary before Darren actually stays overnight. But apparently Darren just decided that himself, or maybe Khristina has, as she circles Darren now, prompting him to turn the wheelchair on the spot. Jay watches them both dancing and laughing, feeling uncannily happy at the sight of his friends getting along so well.

"Holy shit, I'm dizzy," Darren groans as he finally joins Jay at the table again, the wheelchair's whirring cutting out. Khristina and Olha have started a sort of slow dance where not a piece of paper would fit between their bodies.

Chuckling, Jay refills Darren's shot glass.

"Last one," Darren announces with a stern look at Jay and leans forward to reach for his glass, toast with Jay, and drain it without spilling.

Needless to say, a couple more follow before that announcement rings true.

They arrive well after midnight at Jay's apartment, thankfully partly sobered up by the walk from the metro station in the icy cold.

"I want to show you something," Jay says once they've shed their winter clothes and felt the warmth return to frozen fingers. He leads the way down the corridor to the bathroom.

Darren follows slower, steering the wheelchair around the corner carefully not to bump into the wall. "What is it?"

The wheelchair stops, and the ensuing silence is deafening in Jay's ears. He bites his lips, suddenly feeling way too sober. "Um... So… I know this isn't ideal, but it's all I could come up with." Hesitantly, Jay pulls the curtain aside and motions to the room behind it. His bathroom isn't big; the entire room can be seen from the hall, a small cubicle with a sink on the right and the toilet straight ahead. It's an old apartment complex; the shower is in the kitchen.

Clearing his throat, Jay nervously tugs at the hem of his shirt. "Chris helped me install some things." They had watched countless YouTube videos, trying to figure out the right accommodations for Darren. Chris had been surprisingly helpful. It turned out he paid way more attention to Darren's needs than Jay anticipated.

"This is to get up," Jay says, patting the gleaming metal bar attached to the wall on the left side, going up right to the doorframe and then slightly around. They had ordered four different bars until they found one with the right length and angle. "And those two…" He gestures to the grab bars right and left of the toilet. "Well… you know how to use them." Jay tucks his hands in his pockets and looks back at Darren, trying to decipher anything from his face, but it's unmoving, Darren's eyes darker than ever.

Blood rushes in Jay's ears, his face heating. He shuffles his feet, eyes switching from the floor to Darren, back and forth. Darren hasn't moved yet; he's still staring into the small room behind Jay. "Darren…" Jay's voice breaks. This was a mistake, Jay can see that now. How could he think that this would change anything for Darren? A few bars mounted to a wall… How stupid to assume that this is all it takes to make a bathroom accessible. It's the supposedly accessible hotel room at the dance finals all over again.

"I'm sorry," Jay mumbles quickly, attempting to draw the curtain shut again. "This is silly, forget it, I don't know what—"

"Stop it," Darren growls, causing Jay to fall silent and stumble back. Darren's left hand tips the joystick forward until the wheels of the chair hit the doorframe left and right with a low thud.

Swallowing hard, Jay steps a little closer, hopeful. "I-I know it's not wide enough…" Chris had known exactly how broad Darren's wheelchair was. Apparently, he had transported it once in his van. "I couldn't— I'm just renting, so… But I took the door out and there's… there's a curtain… I know it's stupid, but it's not far, is it? It's as far as to the couch, you can… you may be able to—"

Making a sound in the back of his throat, Darren leans forward a little and reaches with his left hand for the bar. "You did this?" he asks in a low voice, wrapping stiff fingers around the metal.

Jay gulps again, pressing his arms closer around himself. "Y-yeah. Me and… Chris," he adds.

Darren pulls at the bar like he's testing its stability, his right arm clenching at his side. Then he slowly moves his feet from the footrest and works himself into standing. "It's not bad," he grunts, leaning on the bar heavily, his back hunched.

Jay watches with his heart beating in his chest and notices with a relieved sigh that the bar seems to be installed just right. When they had bolted it into the wall, he had tried to imagine Darren holding onto him during transfer, and they had fixed the bar at exactly the height Darren would usually grab Jay's arm.

Darren slides his hand forward a little, rocks his body slightly, his right foot dragging forward over the floor. He pivots, stops for a second to assess the distance to the grab bar left of the toilet, and finds a good stance before lifting his hand over. With a rushed exhale, Darren lets himself sink onto the closed toilet lid and looks up at Jay, who is still standing in the doorframe, watching anxiously.

"You did this… for me?" Darren asks finally, his gaze holding Jay's easily.

Jay nods and shuffles his feet. "I know it's—"

Darren shakes his head to shut him up. "This is amazing," he grumbles, weighing his head and looking around the small bathroom again. Then into Jay's face. "Seriously."

Jay blinks surprised, hands falling to his sides. "It's… You think it's going to work?"

Darren nods. "If you leave the toilet lid up from now on, like all regular straight guys." His eyes sparkle with amusement.

Jay laughs; it feels like a release. "Oh. Sure. Huh. Hey… Uh, can you use the sink from there?" He thinks it may be possible; they had counted on it at least. There had been quite a debate with Chris about it because Chris wasn't sure how far Darren could reach, but since Jay helps Darren with stretching more regularly now, he felt optimistic.

Darren leans over slightly, bracing himself with his forearm on the sink. "Hm… Should be doable," he says, knocking the back of his hand into the tap from below to make water run and stops it by pushing onto it with his palm. Jay is suddenly endlessly grateful he doesn't have a tap that is worked by turning knobs.

"Oh, and…" Jay squeezes past the parked wheelchair and into the small room, eager to show Darren. "Did you notice these?" He shows Darren the cord that's dangling in a loop from the ceiling next to the left doorjamb, with two large plastic handles in two separate locations on the cord. Jay pulls at one, and a curtain slides shut in a half-arch behind the wheelchair. He is glad to see Chris's approximations were correct. The curtain fits all around, effectively closing them both and the wheelchair off from the hall. It's not the same as a door, but at least no one can look inside the bathroom now. The wheelchair is longer than he had thought at first because the battery takes up space in the back of it, but Chris had accounted for that.

Darren breaks out into booming laughter, almost sliding off the toilet seat. "Is this how you do your business here from now on? Behind a curtain?"

Jay grins, Darren's laughter making him happier than anything else could. "Yeah? I mean… It's not a big deal; the guys will get used to it."

"Hell they will," Darren chuckles, his left hand anchoring him to the bar, his body shaking slightly with mirth. "Geez…" Darren exhales and shakes his head. "This is… genius."

Jay blushes. "Oh, no, it's nothing, I—"

"It is." Darren's voice is low and still cuts Jay off effectively. Jay bites his lip and rubs the back of his neck. "It means a lot to me," Darren says, his eyes searching for Jay's. "Thanks."

Jay lets his arm fall and shrugs. "It's no big deal," he murmurs, evading Darren's gaze.

As Chris and Jay had admired their handiwork, Chris had asked why Jay hadn't thought about modifying his bathroom earlier. Jay had answered that he hadn't known exactly how to, and had had no idea how to ask Darren for help because Darren usually evaded direct questions about his disability. He had told Chris that only with time and getting to know Darren more closely he had acquired the knowledge necessary to fit the bathroom for Darren's electric wheelchair.

But if he's really honest, he thinks he knows the true reason now. Putting up these modifications meant acknowledging that Jay hopes their relationship to last longer than the screws newly bolted into the walls of his apartment.

Jay suddenly realizes how cramped it is in the bathroom with both of them inside, even though Darren is sitting on the toilet lid. "Uh… I'm going to let you out again…" With a nod, Jay escapes from the confinement and Darren's looks by climbing back out over the wheelchair.

Jay can't see how Darren makes it back to the wheelchair, but he hears him inhale as he pushes upright and the shuffling of his feet as he turns and lets himself fall down into the seat. It seems to work all right, and Jay feels suddenly giddy with joy. He has wanted to do this for a very long time now, long being fed up by having to say goodbye to Darren much too early. He knows it was a stretch; his apartment isn't made for an electric wheelchair and it will never be. But this is better than nothing, isn't it? Better than peeing in a bottle, anyway.

Jay watches as the curtain opens when Darren pulls at the other handle on the cord, and then maneuvers the wheelchair back, carefully steering through the tight space.

"Thanks, Jay," Darren says, turning the wheelchair around. "Really, this is awesome."

Jay shrugs, blushing again. "I just hope this works for you," he mumbles and sticks his hands into his pockets.

"Hm…" Darren makes and steers the wheelchair closer to Jay, until he can grab a fistful of Jay's shirt. "We're about to find out tonight, I guess.” He yanks until Jay bends down enough for Darren to hook his hand behind his neck and pull him into a kiss.

Giving a small moan, Jay surrenders to Darren's weak tugging and climbs on top of Darren's lap to seal their lips together. Darren's taste like the venue they've been to for the Christmas party of the dance company, of alcohol and sweat and a trace of the chocolate dessert they shared.

"Bed?" Darren asks after a while, his legs jumping restlessly under Jay. Jay assumes he's keen to get out of the wheelchair soon.

It is late, though now with the prospect of a proper sleepover, Jay feels much more awake than just an hour ago. They've shared Jay's large double bed before, but in a way it feels like their first time, now that they don't have to worry about bathroom issues anymore. Jay brushes his teeth first, while Darren trades his pants and button-down for a T-shirt he left at Jay's for when he's crashing. Jay has relocated Darren's toothbrush from the kitchen to the newly almost-accessible bathroom, so Darren goes in after Jay has finished.

When Jay hears the whirring of Darren's wheelchair approaching the bedroom, he looks up from his phone and at Darren expectantly, sitting up excitedly. "So?"

Darren gives a short snort. "I'd rate it 4 stars. Just because there was no tiny soap by the sink, that is."

He sounds at ease but Jay thinks he evades Jay’s eyes.

“Really? Did it work… alright for you?" Jay asks, carefully, because he can't quite believe they've done it on the first trial. "No adjustments necessary?”

Darren aligns the wheelchair with the bed, steering backwards through the tight space between bed and wall. "It's fine, really," he says curtly, lifting his feet from the footrests, his right arm lifting as well as his attention is diverted.

Darren isn’t known for extensive speeches, and still Jay senses something is off. “You know, I can add in another grab bar, if you'd like. Maybe one in the back? Or adjust the height—"

Darren shakes his head and says with a stab at humor: "Don't worry. It's a good thing your bathroom is cramped. In case I'd fall, there isn't much space to fall into." His grin is genuine enough.

Jay's chuckle sounds a bit strangled because on top of feeling Darren isn’t entirely happy, he now pictures Darren falling. "Does that… does that happen often?" he asks, concerned. "You falling, I mean."

"Not any…" Darren's voice becomes strained as his left hand reaches forward to grab a fistful of the sheets on Jay's bed. He pushes into standing, bent legs trembling slightly as Darren hobbles closer to the mattress and pivots before letting himself fall onto it. "Not anymore," Darren grunts, his breathing accelerated, his right arm clenching at his side. He heaves his legs up and scoots back a little, then leans into the pillows with a half-suppressed sigh.

Jay slides his phone on the nightstand, pretending not to have watched Darren's transfer. Babbling on, he continues: “Oh… okay. Good for you. Did you train more…? To prevent falling, I mean?" He knows Darren practices standing and walking, and he assumes generally transfers, at physiotherapy.

Darren's chuckle sounds dry. "I'm afraid it doesn't work that way for me." He shrugs, his right arm jerking slightly. "I guess I've just become more risk averse, with age."

Despite it all, Jay laughs. "Listen to yourself. You're not that old!" he protests.

Ignoring Jay at first, Darren tries to find a comfortable position in bed. He grimaces, struggling to adjust his stiff legs, and sighs. "Old enough," he murmurs with another frown.

Jay's expression softens. Long nights like these are especially taxing on Darren. So, yes, in a way it's like Darren's body is a good amount older than the rest of him is. Maybe the pain is why Darren is being weird right now.

"Khristina put you in for a ride too many, huh?" Jay asks. It's not like he doesn't know what that's like. "She does that, believe me." When he reaches for Darren's hand, he notices Darren's hesitation. "What's wrong?"

Darren's frown stays, and now he clearly evades Jay's gaze, but he doesn’t answer.

Lifting his eyebrows, Jay starts stretching Darren's left hand and arm despite Darren's odd behavior, gently massaging tight muscles like Julek taught him to. He wonders how bad Darren’s right arm is if his good one is in such a woeful state.

"It's…" Darren finally murmurs through clenched teeth. "It’s just… I don't want you to have to do this all the time. I'm becoming dependent on you."

Jay shrugs. "So, what can we do? Invite Julek over?" he jokes.

That only causes Darren to stiffen more, his features darkening. "I don't want you to be my caregiver," he snarks.

"And I'm not auditioning as one," Jay snaps, finally losing his patience with Darren. "But I am your friend, and your partner, last time I checked. And I'm pretty sure this—" he indicates his massaging Darren's arm, "—falls into the realm of partnership." But even as he speaks, he lets go of Darren's arm, which immediately returns to trembling at Darren’s side.

Making an angry sound in the back of his throat, Darren leans his head back, his eyes directed to the ceiling.

At least he hasn’t made a move to leave, yet, Jay thinks. Disappearing is Darren’s main strategy in a fight. Although it may be a stretch to call an accessible taxi at this time of the night. The thought alone causes Jay’s heart to clench.

“I’m sorry,” Jay whispers. “I… Of course I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.” When Darren doesn’t react, Jay retreats to his side of the bed, ready to turn off the lights. All of a sudden he feels as tired as the hour calls for.

"Don’t."

Frowning, Jay stops his hand reaching for the light switch. “Pardon?”

There's a moment of silence from Darren before he turns his head to look at Jay again. His lips are pressed together and he sighs. "I’m sorry,” he finally grunts. “This is… a lot to process.” He blinks at Jay in apology.

Sitting up, Jay draws his knees higher, hugging them to his chest. “What is?” Maybe he’ll finally know what got Darren’s pants in a twist tonight. Is it the curtain they installed instead of a door, which goes around Darren’s wheelchair?

“All of this,” Darren replies. “You massaging and stretching me. Remodeling your bathroom. It’s… it’s huge.”

“I thought you liked the bathroom!?” Jay whispers. That damn curtain is a thick, heavy thing, they got it cheap from the flea market. It requires some strength to open and close it, and although Darren demonstrated today he was capable of operating it, it may be a pain in the ass on a regular basis. He told Chris they should’ve taken a cheap curtain from a random online shop, but Chris had insisted this one had more style. As if style mattered!

Darren’s hand twitches in an attempt to reach for Jay, but it lands halfway between them on the mattress. “I do,” he hurries to clarify. “It’s perfect and I appreciate the effort. It’s just… It feels like a lot to ask of you.”

Thinking about this, Jay shakes his head. “You didn’t ask. I simply… offered.”

Darren nods, then sighs again. “I know, and you’re right. I guess I’m just…” He trails off and shrugs, grimacing even at that small movement.

Noticing Darren’s discomfort, Jay immediately scoots closer to his boyfriend and picks up his hand that still lies on the mattress. His thumb brushes over the back of Darren’s hand. “Let me help you, Darren. Please,” he begs.

There’s no verbal answer from Darren but he looks up at Jay, hesitantly.

Taking it as a sign for hope, Jay goes on. “I really don’t mind, quite the opposite, in fact…” He takes a deep breath. He doesn’t need to spell it out for Darren again, does he? ”But it’s not only that… It’s… not something anyone can do, I guess? I like feeling… special.” He blushes a little at that.

Jay knows that only few people are permitted to be this close to Darren, and it still fills him with pride knowing Darren trusts him enough to let Julek teach him.

“Please?” Jay repeats and blinks at Darren, squeezing his hand slightly.

Clearly still torn, Darren sighs, but finally nods abruptly. “For heaven's sake…” His eyes are still narrowed, but his lips twitch, betraying a dawning smirk. “If you insist…”

”Oh, absolutely!" Jay answers, unable to quell a beaming smile. “I promise you can make it all up to me next time I’m sick.”

At this, Darren finally chuckles a little and his hand almost slips out of Jay’s grasp, who clutches it tighter.

“I’m unbelievably needy when I’m sick,” Jay goes on, grinning as he sets to work on Darren’s arm again. “So be warned. You’ll be cooking tea and bringing me cool washcloths and listening to me whine all day.”

Rolling his eyes, Darren shakes his head. “Okay. Deal,” he says, smiling at Jay. “Thanks.”

Digging his fingers into tight muscles first of Darren’s left, then of his right arm, Jay watches the lines in Darren's face deepen, his frown returning. Although Jay knows he'll have to cause some amount of pain to alleviate pain for Darren, he still resents being the cause of it. Gradually, as he moves from Darren's right arm to his lower extremities, Darren seems to cope better with the pain, or maybe already feels the effect of Jay's efforts. His eyes close and his chest loosens up, expanding more on each breath. As Jay finishes pressing into the soles of Darren's feet, he smoothly transitions to a lighter massage, focusing on relaxing Darren even more. Almost instantly, the taut expression on Darren's face shifts to something softer. His forehead becomes smooth, his lips part slightly, his eyelids flutter, though they stay closed. Jay caresses his calves and thighs, and as he moves further up over his abdomen, he notices Darren's growing erection.

“May I?” Jay asks. He doesn’t mention that this definitely isn’t anything that Julek does for Darren. He knows it’ll kill the mood and possibly rile Darren up again, but he feels like this is an important distinction. Jay cares for Darren because he wants Darren to be comfortable and happy, and also because he wants them both to enjoy each other on a very physical level. So some of his motives aren’t altruistic at all.

Receiving an affirmative grunt from Darren, Jay frees Darren's cock without hesitation and gently wraps his hand around his shaft. Darren stirs, groaning slightly in response to Jay's touch, his expression morphing into one of pure, untainted pleasure. Jay smiles at seeing Darren this relaxed and takes the opportunity to literally have Darren spread out like this under him to fondle his balls with the other hand. Darren's eyes flutter open for a second and his lips move like he wants to speak, though no sound escapes him. He moans as Jay sets a steady rhythm, slow like he knows Darren prefers it but with firm strokes, and Darren's head sinks back into the pillows.

As Darren gets closer to orgasm, the spasms in his legs intensify and Jay picks up some speed. He can no longer access Darren's balls, but he moves his hand up his chest instead, pinching and flicking Darren's nipples until the other groans and thrashes weakly under his hands, hips stuttering upward with each stroke.

"Jay…" Darren groans, his voice hoarse. He looks at Jay from under half-closed eyelids, his expression full of desire.

"You're alright," Jay says in a low voice. "I'm here."

It takes a few more steady strokes and then Darren is coming, his body convulsing slightly, his head pressing back into the pillows. Darren groans through his high, spurting warm semen over Jay's hand who supports him through it.

His breathing still erratic, Darren seemingly fights to speak but can't manage to form words. Jay hushes him with a hand on his chest and pushes his own shorts down with the other, already hard from seeing Darren falling apart in his hands. He takes himself in hand, conveniently slicked-up with Darren's fluids, and sets up a quick pace, chasing his own climax. Darren's left hand writhes in the sheets and Jay pauses a moment to pick it up and place it on his hip. Darren's gaze meets Jay's and his left hand squeezes Jay's ass in rhythm with his hand stroking along his cock.

Moaning, Jay adjusts to Darren's minute guidance, his hips snapping forward whenever Darren's hand squeezes him, thrusting into Jay's ready fist. In no time, Jay is on the brink of orgasm, his eyes locked with Darren's.

"Tell me," Darren drawls, the effort to control his speech palpable.

"I'm close," Jay groans, thrusting harder, his breath coming in harsh gasps. "I think I'm gonna… gonna come… Oh-oh!"

Darren's hand on Jay's ass squeezes again and Jay cries out, hips thrusting forward again, and he comes, pumping himself furiously under Darren's steady gaze, until he’s completely spent.

The look on Darren's face is one of admiration and love. "You're so hot," Darren manages, his left hand falling from Jay's hips, clenching into the sheets. "God, so damn hot."

Jay collapses on the bed next to Darren, panting. When his heartbeat slows down a little, he goes to clean them both off and snuggles into Darren's side, resting his head on Darren's broad chest, his left arm around him.

"Thank you," Jay whispers, nuzzling Darren's throat.

Darren grunts in answer, his left hand twitching at Jay's side. Then he works up the energy to talk, his words washed out by exhaustion. "Sorry for… before.”

Nodding his head into Darren's chest, Jay scoots even closer. "It's alright," he murmurs. "We all have those moments," he adds, thinking of how long it took him to be able to adjust his apartment to Darren's needs. After a while, feeling wonderfully sleepy and warm, Jay whispers, "I'm glad you're here."

When there's no answer from Darren, Jay lifts his head slightly and notices Darren has fallen asleep. There's a hint of a frown on his face, even though he's breathing evenly. Smiling, Jay lays back down, feeling his boyfriend occasionally twitch in his sleep, his arm tightening around Jay, until he drifts off himself.