The One Who Got Away – CH 8

Chapter 8

Part One: Any Random Idiot

In a way, Kay was actually grateful for the whole debacle with Gideon. Because who knew how long it would have otherwise taken her to realize that she was hopelessly in love with Seth? 

The downside of that though: Having become aware of her own feelings also meant constant emotional torture. Being in Seth’s presence was kind of daunting now. It had become very difficult to look directly into those dark eyes of his without blushing or grinning like an idiot, and Kay’s stomach was in a perpetual state of uproar when they were hanging out. Sure, there was also that warm and fuzzy feeling of having him around. But the longing it brought with it was almost unbearable. Because when she was with him, she longed for Seth almost just as much as when he wasn't there. Like right now.

"Earth to Kay," Micah's index finger poked her in the shoulder. "Anybody home?"

"Sorry," she made a wry face. "You were saying?"

Since her and Seth's visit in the suburbs, Kay had sort of kept her distance from Micah. She was still kind of pissed about how she had behaved towards Seth and had needed to cool off before meeting up again – it wasn't like Kay could exactly lay into her friend for being too nice to Seth.

Now they were on a walk together, Micah pushing Neil's stroller. He was happily kicking his little legs in his seat, commenting on the landscape in his baby language.

"Neil’s first word," Micah repeated what she had probably said before. "You'll never believe what it is."

Kay shrugged. "Mommy?"

"Nope."

"Daddy."

Micah laughed. "Not even close. You’re never going to guess anyway." She made a dramatic pause. "It's 'Seth'.

"Theth!" Neil exclaimed accordingly, clapping his little hands.

Kay laughed out in surprise. "Good job, Neily!" She bent down to tousle his hair. "That's an excellent choice for a first word!"

Micah chuckled. "It took us a while to figure out what he was saying. I mean, it's so random, right? But then the other day I was mentioning Seth to Brandon and –"

"Theth!"

She grinned, gesturing at her kid. "There you go."

Kay looked at her with a lazy smirk. "He can't just have picked it up solely from when we were at your house."

Micah shrugged. "Who knows. Obviously I told Brandon all about your visit. About how impressed I was."

Ugh, here we go. "Impressed?"

"Yes," Micah nodded. "I mean, it's just amazing how positive he is, right? I don’t know how he does it."

Kay rolled her eyes to herself. "Not sure what you mean by 'positive'. He's just himself."

The other woman raised her eyebrows. "Yeah but in that situation! I mean it's heartbreaking, isn‘t it. I wanted to cry when that assistant –"

"His name is Brian."

" – had to feed him." Micah was shaking her head, a sad expression on her face. "And when he couldn't even hold Neil. It's just so horrible."

Kay stopped walking, coming to a stand abruptly. Micah glanced at her, stopping as well. "What's wrong?"

"You feel sorry for him." Kay stated blankly.

Her friend frowned in perplexity. "Of course I do."

Neil started to whine loudly, writhing in the stroller. Apparently he wasn't happy that his carriage had suddenly stopped moving.

Kay glanced at him and started walking again, mentally fumbling for the right words to say to Micah. But the other woman spoke first: "Don't you?"

"Feel sorry for him?" With a huff, Kay shook her head. "I’m sorry he has to deal with this injury, I absolutely hate that this happened to him. But that doesn’t mean I feel sorry for him."

Micah scowled. "What’s the difference?"

Kay raised her eyebrows at her. "The difference is that you pity him. Which I would never do, because I respect him way too much for that."

"But I respect him, too!" Micah argued. "I respect him for just going on with his life and staying positive! I mean, I could never –"

Kay cut her off with a frustrated growl. "Oh my God Micah, do you seriously not know how offensive that is?!"

Now it was Micah who abruptly stopped walking. "Offensive? Girl, are you crazy?" She automatically started rocking the stroller back and forth when Neil began nagging again.

Kay ran a hand over her face. "It's patronizing," she said. "It's actually the opposite of respect."

The other woman seemed to be lost for words now. She was staring at Kay dumbfounded.

And then everything Kay had held back bubbled over in a flood of words. "You're implying Seth going on with his life is a tough choice, the choice to be a brave little soldier or something. It's not a choice, Micah. It's what life has put on him, so what else is he supposed to do? But here you are, going on about how absolutely horrible that life is. As if it's not worth living it. Oh, and: Now you suddenly like him? Suddenly he's not Pretty Boy anymore, but poor Seth instead? As if he's a different person now, some kind of martyr or something. It’s making me sick."

Micah had simply been standing there, listening, eyes big. Now she glanced over the top of the stroller. "He's asleep," she said in a low voice. "Let's sit down somewhere."

They went over to a big rock that would serve well as a sitting surface. Once they were situated next to each other, Micah glanced over sheepishly. "I didn't mean to offend anyone."

"I know. Which is why I didn't say anything before."

Micah sighed. "I'm sorry I upset you."

Kay didn't know if she had truly gotten through with her tirade. Micah obviously felt bad right now, but it was doubtful that all the internalized ableism would just magically disappear from her system today. Kay looked at her earnestly. "It isn't about me," she commented. "It's about how you're behaving toward Seth. I need you to see him for who he is. Somehow you've never been able to do that. First you misjudged him because of how good looking he is. You just put him into that pretty boy category and wrote him off. And now that he's disabled, you kind of do the exact opposite."

Micah was looking down, chewing the inside of her cheek. "Fuck," she mumbled sheepishly. "Of the two of us, you've always been the smarter one."

Kay had to laugh. "Don't say that."

"But it's true!" Micah shrugged, then pulled a wry face. "I hope Seth doesn't hate me now."

"No worries, Seth never hates anyone. He always tells me I shouldn't be so hard on people."

Micah looked pensive. "He's a good person."

"The best." Kay swallowed. "I love him, Micah."

Micah didn't look surprised. With a fond smile, she took Kay's hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "I know."

"I think I always have."

"Probably." Micah sighed. "I never told you this, but when the two of you had your thing going before you went to London… I said to Brandon: 'She’s gonna marry him one day'."

The remark took Kay so much by surprise that she gulped. And then she started to cry. Because she realized there was nothing she would have wanted more. She didn’t merely love Seth – he was the love of her life.

Micah put an arm around her, pulling her close. "I know, Girl, I know," she murmured empathetically. "Everything's different now. I'm so sorry."

Kay looked up in confusion, sniffing. "Huh?"

"Well because he's –," Micah wrinkled her brow. "Because of his situation, no?"

Yep, ableism still there. "The word is disability, Micah, you're allowed to say it." Kay wiped off some tears and blinked at her. "And why would that change anything for me? It doesn't, not at all."

There was a pause as Micah scratched her forehead. "But he's – I mean," she licked her lips and gave Kay a telling look. "He probably can't even have sex, Kay."

She uttered a dry laugh. "Think I care about that?" She shook her head. "Besides, everbody can have sex, it just depends on the how."

Judging from the expression on Micah's face, it was obvious that she thought Kay had gone batshit crazy, but luckily she didn't say it. Instead, she muttered nonplussed: "Then what's the problem?"

"The problem?" Kay was confused.

"You love him and you don't care about his si – … his disability," Micah said, again scratching her forehead. "Yet you're sitting here crying as if the world is ending. I don't get it."

Kay gave her an incredulous look. How did Micah not know what this was about? "Remember what happened last time when I wanted to be more than friends?" she muttered. "I can't lose him, not again. No fucking way I'm going to risk that."

To her bafflement, Micah started laughing. That loud, infectious laugh of hers. "Girl,” she was shaking her head at Kay, and she put a hand on her knee. "You're not gonna lose him. He's absolutely crazy for you."

Kay's eyes widened – she was dumbstruck. "You… you think so?"

"No, I don't think so, I know so." Micah snickered. "Jesus, I can't believe this is news to you. Any random idiot on the street would see it right away. Just from the way he's looking at you. Eyes never lie, Girl."

Especially Seth's eyes. Kay's mouth suddenly felt dry, and her stomach somersaulted. Was it really possible that…? Oh my God.

Eyes never lie.

Part Two: Not A Pool Party

"The inability to confront the
structural-unemployment question
is a greater threat to future prosperity
than high unemployment itself," Kay read aloud. She was stretched out in the grass, one knee crossed over the other; Seth had parked himself next to her with his seat in a slight tilt.

It was a warm Sunday afternoon. She had come over for lunch, and now the two of them were relaxing in the garden and reading a TIME article together – meaning Kay was reading it out loud for both of them.

Seth was only half listening to the content of the text. He was peering down at Kay, his eyes following every small movement and change in her features. How the tip of her nose slightly bounced up and down with each word she spoke; how the light freckles on her skin danced in accordance; how every little emotion and thought reflected in the angle of her delicate eyebrows. He could do this without end – simply look at her. 

Now she paused and glanced up at him, becoming aware of his gaze, and the hint of a grin played on her lips as her cheeks reddened. Clearing her throat, she turned back to the text in front of her and continued. Seth made a conscious effort to redirect his focus on what she was reading to him, but he kept getting distracted. For a moment, he closed his eyes and just listened to her voice, feeling the slight breeze on his face and inhaling the smell of the spring garden. Of all the ways to spend time, this one was his favorite: Just him and Kay, enjoying each other's company. 

Even though it was always bittersweet. It was like two parts of him were constantly at war with each other. The part that still had all those feelings for Kay and longed for her, and the part that knew he needed to protect his heart. So far, neither part was winning.

Seth had hoped it would get better with time, but it hadn't – on the contrary. The more time he and Kay spent together, the more he wondered where all of this would end. He couldn't live without her, but the fact that he would never be close to her like he wished to – that killed him. Because if there was anything or anyone in the world he would have wanted, it was her. It had always been her.

"Isn't that crazy?" Kay was looking up at him.

Seth blinked. She was obviously referring to something in that article, and he had no idea what she had just read. He cleared his throat. "Yeah," he nodded earnestly. "Really crazy."

Crazy.

Roberta was coming through the terrace door, walking across the lawn toward them. Seth glanced at the clock on his phone's display. It was almost 3 pm – her shift was ending. He pulled his control closer with his teeth and had the seat move fully upright, then drove in Bertie's direction to meet her halfway.

"Seth," she said with an apologetic look, slightly out of breath. "I've got my other client in half an hour, I really need to leave."

He frowned. "Brian isn't here yet?"

Roberta shook her head. "You haven't heard from him? I tried calling, but he didn't pick up."

It was unlike Brian to be late – in fact, this was probably the first time ever. "He's coming from out of town, straight from a family function," Seth remarked. "He's probably just stuck in traffic."

"Well," Bertie shrugged. "Wherever he is, I can't wait any longer, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure he’ll be here soon."

"Anything you need right now? Before I go." She glanced at her watch.

He shook his head. "All good, thanks."

"Ok Hon, you take care," Roberta said in a motherly voice, already turning away. "See you Tuesday night."

Ten minutes later, Brian still wasn't there. Instead, he called Seth on the phone. His car had broken down in the middle of the highway. And because it had taken him forever to get through to the towing company, he was still waiting for their service vehicle to arrive. "I'm so sorry, Dude," he apologized.

"It’s fine," Seth told him. "I'm glad you’re ok. I can call that agency for tonight."

He had used them twice before, when his own PCAs had been sick. It could be a bit of a pain to give all the first-time instructions, depending on who they sent, but at least it was a reliable backup option if all else failed.

"No, I'll be there," Brian assured at the other end of the line. "I'm coming straight to you as soon as the car’s been towed. Might take up to an hour though."

"Where are you, exactly?" 

"Just before the Harbor exit," Brian said in dismay, and Seth shared a silent look with Kay, who was standing next to him and had heard it all through the phone's speaker.

"It's gonna take him forever to get here," she remarked once Brian had hung up. 

Seth produced a wry smile. "Yeah."

"Good thing I’m here. I'm just gonna wait till he arrives." She attempted to make it sound light, but she had that particular look on her face again, the one with the worry line. 

Seth cocked an eyebrow at her. "I can be alone for a few hours, you know." 

"Of course you can," she shrugged. "Still more convenient when someone‘s around though, right? Just in case."

Just in case. Who was he kidding: He was feeling kind of uneasy right now. Sure, as long as nothing came up, he was fine by himself. But the problem was, things usually did come up. He always needed help with something at some point, or his body acted up in some way or another, sooner or later. Right now, he wasn't alone; Kay was here – which, ironically, was exactly what worried Seth the most. 

They stayed in the garden; the weather was just too nice for anything else. Kay got them something to drink from the house, then she wanted to see the newest pictures from Japan that his parents kept sending him. She leaned half over him, one hand on his shoulder and her other forearm resting on top of his as she swiped through the photos on his phone. Some strands of hair had come out of her loose bun, and they tickled Seth's nose when the wind blew them in his face.

They both looked to the sky when a cloud glided in front of the sun for a moment. A cool breeze caught up. "Think it's gonna rain?" Kay mumbled, and her hand disappeared from his shoulder when she straightened up.

Seth smirked at her, because the question reminded him of something. "Remember that time when we got completely soaked on our way to that pool party?" he asked.

Kay laughed out loud at the memory. "Oh my God. I don’t think I was ever that wet in my life."

"You were dating that guy..."

"Noah."

"Right. You were supposed to meet him there," Seth smirked. "And you went into complete panic mode."

She snickered, shaking her head at herself. "Just because my hair and makeup got all messed up."

Seth smiled. It was one of his favorite memories with her, and it was full of iconic imagery that would never fade. Like Kay standing in the middle of the street like a wet poodle, her face dumbstruck. Or the two of them running through the downpour toward the next porch, then laughing tears when arriving at the party completely soaked.

"I remember I desperately tried to reconstruct my whole styling," Kay rolled her eyes laughing. "I was actually, seriously worried Noah wouldn't like me anymore if I looked run down like that."

Seth couldn't help but lend her a wicked grin. "Meanwhile I was just thinking: 'Good, then we’ll be rid of that jerk.'"

Kay's jaw dropped. "You what?!"

He coyly raised an eyebrow, shrugging. "He was a jerk. And besides, I was jealous. I always was, of all the guys you dated."

Seemingly rendered speechless for a second, Kay stared at him in amazement. "It was the exact same thing for me," she finally uttered. "Back then, I never truly admitted it to myself, but in a way, I always wanted all your dates and relationships to fail." She cringed, covering her face. "God, I'm an awful person."

Chuckling, Seth winked at her. "Very awful, but I'm flattered. Besides, we can be awful together. I felt the same about your relationships."

They gazed at each other with sheepish grins for a moment. Kay was running a hand over her pulled back hair. "Kind of ironic," she smirked. "If you think about it, we could've just –"

She never got to finish her sentence, because it was at that moment that the clouds opened and the rain started beating down on them. There hadn't even been a warning in the form of thunder or of some isolated drops first – it was as if someone had just turned on the shower full force. This wasn't merely rain; it was a downpour.

Kay squealed as she stood frozen like a petrified statue, her mouth open. Seth couldn't believe it – it was just like back then. "You should see your face right now," he laughed, and he almost had to shout the words because the patter of the rain was so loud. 

Now she started laughing, too. "I can't believe it," she screamed, looking at her clothes that were almost thoroughly wet already. Then she stretched out her arms and twirled, welcoming the shower pouring down on them. She looked beautiful. Just like when the rain had surprised them all those years ago. Seth felt like his heart was about to burst with affection. He barely registered the myriad of chilly raindrops running down his own face, and how they made their way down the back of his neck and his collarbone, before abruptly disappearing where his sensation faded. He couldn't stop laughing, and neither could Kay. It was like time had come to a standstill. Another moment he wanted to conserve and store forever.

Abruptly, he felt his chest tighten, accompanied by a distant sense of vibration – his abdomen was spasming. Kay's laugh was faltering ever so slightly when she looked down on him. His fingers were quivering as the droplets kept hitting them, and the muscles in his thighs were trembling, too. They looked at each other, both thinking the same: That – as fun as this was – maybe it wasn't such a great idea to just keep standing here in the pouring rain forever. "We should get inside," Kay shouted, and Seth nodded, leaning for his control.

When they entered the living room through the terrace door a couple of minutes later, both of them were thoroughly wet from head to toe, and the wheelchair was leaving a trail of water and dirt on the floor. "Towels?" Kay inquired, already twisting her dripping hair into a cord.

"In my bathroom closet," Seth replied. "On the left side," and Kay disappeared into the hallway.

After the nature sounds outside, the house felt very quiet – too quiet. Seth looked down on himself. For some reason he didn't feel like laughing anymore.

Kay returned with a stack of towels as well as cleaning rags from the kitchen, and the first thing she did was kneel down on the floor to wipe up the mess that had built up around and under his chair as well as catch the water that was still dripping down from it. "You brought in a small ocean," she joked, grinning up at him. 

Seth miserably failed at his attempt to return the smile. The fun part of this was over. This wasn't them on their way to that pool party. Because unlike years ago, one of them was sitting soaked in a wheelchair, with no PCA around. 

Kay was probably thinking the same. She mustered him furtively when she stood up from the floor, her eyes swiftly taking in his appearance. Seth knew what she was seeing: His khakis were thoroughly wet; not only on the top of his thighs, but all over, and his shirt was clinging to his skin. Where he could feel it, he was starting to get cold.

"Here," Kay said softly when she unfolded one of the towels and, stepping right next to him, held it up. Seth shyly met her gaze as he brought his head forward, and she gently started rubbing off his hair, and in the process his face and neck too. He bit his lips when she moved the towel down to his chest and he watched as she carefully dabbed and rubbed his arms and legs with the slightest line of tension on her brow. The quiet of the room had become deafening all of a sudden. 

She straightened up again to move back to his head, giving it a final rub. As she tenderly combed back his hair with her fingers, Seth closed his eyes, and he wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or because of the feel of her fingers running over his scalp that he had to clench his jaw to keep it from trembling. 

"Thanks,"he said hoarsely when she pulled back, and Kay smiled, her eyes soft. 

"Sure."

"You should put on something dry," he remarked, glancing at her soaked clothes. She had definitely won the wet t-shirt contest here. The lilac fabric of her top was clinging to her breasts, nipples visible even through the bra that she was wearing. And her denim shorts didn't look like there was much dryness left in them either.

Kay cleared her throat, nodding. "Yeah, uh, can I take some of your clothes?"

"Of course," he shrugged. "Whatever you need. Everything's in the dresser in my room."

She came back wearing his grey college shirt and a pair of boxers, both obviously much too big on her. Which was exactly what made the outfit adorable and sexy. Seth smiled. "They definitely look better on you than on me."

Kay chuckled, but her eyes were kind of serious. She glanced at him nervously, kneading her hands. 

Oh no.

"You can't stay like this either," she stated, nodding her head at his still form. "Your clothes are still wet."

Seth avoided her gaze and furtively glanced down on himself again. He could very well see that the toweling process from before hadn't done much in terms of drying his clothes off. "No," he mumbled, trying to make his tone light. "It's fine."

With a scoff, Kay stepped closer, and he saw her squeeze his unresponsive fingers. "Seth. Your hands are freezing."

"Probably, but I'm not cold," he lied, his jaw tightening. He knew where she was going with this, and it made him nervous as hell.

Kay sighed, her eyes locking with his. "Look. We both know I need to get you out of these clothes. Just tell –"

"No," he interrupted her a bit too loudly, decidedly shaking his head. "Absolutely not." There was no way he was going to let her do that. This was the kind of thing he only let his PCAs do, no one else. Certainly not Kay. "Brian will be here soon," he argued. "Just put a blanket on me."

Kay rolled her eyes. "A blanket's not gonna cut it, Seth, because you're still gonna be in those wet clothes." She scowled at him. "You know I can see the goosebumps on your neck, right?"

Damn. "Or I call the backup agency," he shrugged stiffly. "They can send someone within less than an hour."

Kay put her hands on her hips. She looked annoyed now. "You're being ridiculous. You can't wait an hour. You can't even wait half an hour. Do I really need to say it out loud?"

No, she didn't. He couldn't afford to just sit here like this for much longer, and not only because of how cold he was. Seth clenched his jaw in frustration. Kay was right, and he fucking hated it. The thought of her having to peel those clothes off his skinny, unresponsive body made him want to throw up.

"I get that you don't like this," she said, raising her eyebrows at him. "But it's only me, Seth." She waged a smirk. "I've undressed you before."

That's exactly the problem. "But not like this," he said hoarsely.

Kay winced ever so slightly at that. "Yeah, well," she snorted. "That doesn't change the fact that you’re risking your health right now just because you don't want me to –"

Fuck. "Ok," Seth interrupted her, not meeting her gaze. "Ok. Let's do it."

Kay released a sigh, obviously relieved. "Right. What do I do?"

He took a breath, pulling himself together. "You have to release the laterals." He pointed his chin down toward the pads hugging his sides.

She nodded, and after moving his control out of the way, bent down to examine the supports. "Do I just pull, or…?"

"There's a latch you need to press, then you can swing them to the side."

It took her some fumbling and soft cursing, but she did it. Straightening, she glanced at him hesitantly. "How do I best get your shirt off?"

Seth blinked. He was used to instructing people in this, and normally, they didn't even need to ask what the next step was because he would lead them through all the way. But right now, he felt sort of numb inside, almost… paralyzed. Ha ha. Swallowing, he looked up. "Pull my arms through first."

She started with his left side, aka his more difficult side, but she had no way of knowing that. His elbow resisted when she wanted to bend it, wrist and hand stiff, and Kay bit her lip nervously. 

"Just push against it," he told her gently. "You're not gonna hurt me."

"Alright," she mumbled, and he could see her applying a little more force as well as press into the crook if his arm. Soon she was able to pull the limb out of the sleeve, placing his hand in his lap. 

The right arm went through more swiftly, and Kay started to push his shirt up towards his chest. She didn't get very far of course with him sitting back, and she looked at him expectantly. Seth licked his lips, because he was feeling self-conscious about this part. "You’ve got to lean me forward," he said without really meeting her eyes, then cleared his throat. "Stand right in front of me." 

She obliged, stepping so close that her knees were framing his, then she hesitantly put her hands on his shoulders. "Uhm, now I just… ?"

"Yes, just pull me toward you a bit. You can support my weight with your body. Lean me up against you." Seth had to keep himself from grimacing when he said it, because he hated this so much. He didn't know why exactly it was, but having not the slightest use of his trunk was one of the things about his disability that made him feel most helpless. Maybe because it so blatantly pointed out the fact that his whole body was purely dead weight – every inch of it, not only his arms and legs, and that he needed to be handled like a ragdoll.

Kay fastened her grip around his shoulders, then she pulled, and he felt his center of gravity shift when he was moved away from the backrest. His head came to rest against her chest, just above her breast, of all places. Seth almost didn't dare to breathe. Good thing she was wearing that t-shirt of his, which covered her up almost up to her neckline. It also didn't smell of Kay but of himself. Being this close to her was bad enough. And yet so good. He could feel her heartbeat on his forehead, and he imagined the touch of her hands on his skin as they were pulling up the shirt in his back. Sometimes he didn't know what was worse: Not feeling her but having all the memories of it, or feeling her without being able to touch her back.

"Ok," Kay now panted, and he felt the crumpled up fabric of his shirt being pushed up against the back of his neck. 

"Sit me back," he grunted into her chest, and a couple of seconds later, he was leaning against the backrest again, with Kay pulling the shirt over his head. 

For the shortest moment, their eyes met, and Kay blinked, her cheeks red. If he hadn't been feeling so cold, Seth would have probably broken out in a sweat. He felt so terribly exposed, now that he was sitting in front of her with his upper body bare, and he swallowed nervously, averting his eyes. He also didn't look when Kay grabbed one of the towels and swiftly started running it over his skin to get rid of the remaining dampness. He hated this so much. Kay was literally the last person he wanted to have to do this; the last person he wanted to see what his body truly looked like nowadays. The last person he wanted to have so close and yet so damned unreachable.

He just hoped that Brian was about to walk in any moment now – before Kay would even get close to start working on his lower half.

To be continued...