Hello lovely people,
Chapter 8 has arrived!
To everyone who's still here: Thank you! Lost quite a few readers with Chapter 5, which is totally fine and was to be expected, because not everyone is into the medical crisis thing.
All the more grateful I am for all of you who are still reading and commenting! ♡
Happy Friday!
xoxo, Merigold
The One Who Got Away – Table Of Contents
Hi everyone
Chapter 7 of TOWGA is now up. I promise this is the last one where virtually nothing happens.
Have a nice weekend!
Hello everyone,
The story continues – Chapter 6 is now up! A slightly shorter one this time, and a bit of a filler, sorry.
Have I mentioned you all are absolutely amazing for loving Seth and Kay with me? :D Thank you for all your lovely comments!
Happy Friday and xoxo, Merigold
The One Who Got Away – TOC
This is one I posted on my Patreon several months ago, and also DeviantArt, but never posted here. Whoops! I'll say, it's a little disability lite, but it's still one of my favorite things I've written, so wanted to put it here too 🙂
Hello lovely people
Thank you again for the comments last week. They mean THE WORLD <3
I've just uploaded the next chapter of TOWGA. Another one I don't feel too confident about... not much is happening.
Anyway, here is Chapter 5.
Have a great weekend!
xoxo, Merigold
The One Who Got Away – Table Of Contents
Hi everyone
Please enjoy Chapter 4 of TOWGA :)
Let me know what you think!
Also, once you've reached the end of Part One, can you guess what's going on?
Happy Easter!
xoxo, Merigold
Hi people,
thank you for all the comments last week, I truly appreciate every single one!
Here comes Chapter 3 of TOWGA.
This is one of those that I'm not really happy with, to be honest. It's also quite slow and fragmented. But because it's needed for the story development, I can't just scratch it.
I hope you'll still enjoy it a bit.
xoxo, Merigold
The One Who Got Away – Table Of Contents
Hi everyone,
Hi everyone,
This is it!! Chapter 32 has arrived, concluding our steamy journey with Jay and Darren. It took me a while to write this final chapter because I'm just terrible at goodbyes! :)
I hope you've enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. It was such fun! I'll definitely miss these two characters and posting new chapters. I may return with a short story or another longer project in the future. Until then, I'm confident the story blog is in good hands with old and new authors. I just looove all the new stories that have popped up recently!!
Thank you all for reading and your comments, love you!
Have a great week!
Lovis
Hello lovely people
You asked for it, so here it is :D Kay and Seth's full story.
Just a few heads up I'd like to give:
Anyway, here's
Kay had specifically planned on not being nervous.
Well, here she was: a nervous mess. Introducing a new boyfriend to family was nerve-wracking in itself, but adding a disability into the mix took it to a whole new level.
"Is that her?" Seth pointed his chin towards the other end of the plaza. Kay followed his gaze and nodded. Her older sister was approaching the café in her usual brisk stride, high heels clacking. She was in business woman mode.
The knot in Kay's stomach tightened, and she wrapped her hands around Seth's slim upper arm, momentarily burying her face in his shoulder with a groan.
A kiss brushed the top of her head. "It's gonna be fine."
She looked up, meeting those dark deep eyes that always managed to calm her down. Those eyes that never failed. And just like that, her nervousness dissipated, transforming into something else: A sense of We. This was her man. Whoever had a problem with her relationship could go fuck themselves. Stella included. She craned her neck and placed a kiss on Seth's lips. "I love you", she whispered, then turned around to see her sister now just a few strides away from their table and seeking her gaze.
Kay stood up. "Hey you." Please don't fuck this up Sis. Please please please.
Kay could only hope that her sister would keep in mind what they had talked about on the phone."Is there anything I should know about… you know, dealing with him?" Stella had asked, and Kay had told her the one and only thing there was to know: "He's a regular person, Stel. Please don't treat him any differently."
"Hi Sis," Stella now offered a quick hug, then her eyes darted from Kay to Seth. They didn't linger any longer on him than a second. "Hi", she nervously gripped the strap of her handbag. "I'm Stella."
"Hey Stella. I'm Seth." As always with people who were being weird around him, he didn't bat an eye at her apparent discomfort. Instead, he gave her a genuine smile.
Stella stiffly shifted on her feet, and it was clear that she was feeling awkward about the impossibility of a handshake.
"We haven't ordered yet", Kay said to fill the silence, shoving the menu card across the table."Never been here before", Stella gladly went along with the small talk as she sat down. "Cute place." She picked up the menu card, studying it with just a little too much interest, apparently relieved to have something to focus on. "Oh, they have a nice tea selection", she murmured approvingly.
"The Genmaicha is really good", Seth remarked. "If you're into green tea."
Stella looked up distractedly. Or more like startled. As if the fact that he was taking part in the conversation surprised her. "I love that one", she responded with an uneasy smile, and Kay could see she was doing that thing many people did when talking to Seth: Keeping her gaze unnaturally fixated on his face, as if the rest of him was forbidden to look at.
Kay rolled her eyes to herself. This was something she herself had never done when she had first seen him post-injury. Quite the opposite actually, she hadn’t been able to stop staring. Granted, she and Seth hadn’t been strangers at that point. Far from that.
The First Friday
The clock strikes 5 pm, and the sleek lobby of VegaTech begins to fill with people. Most of them stare a bit, as they walk by me on their way to a well-deserved weekend. I’m an easy target to stare at, from the huge electric wheelchair to my habit of decorating it with pride flags. One of the men walking by gives me that furtive, out-of-the-corner-of-his-eye-once-over-look that I can clock as a certain kind of interest from a mile away. He’s cute enough, and usually, I’m always up to a flirt with a devotee, but today I ignore him. My sister Vanessa is now officially an hour late. That might not be a big deal for some people, but for me it’s a deal the size of the Louisiana Purchase.
Next to me, Steve is pacing. He’s a good guy and a great caregiver, but after a 12 hour shift stretching into a 13th hour, he’s just as annoyed as I am. His wife and kids are waiting back home, but I absolutely must not be left alone ever, for fear something could go wrong with my vent, and Steve will stick by my side until Vanessa is here to take his place. Among many other duties she has, it’s her job to take me to my weekly therapy appointment. I already missed it last week, and I’m still pissed off about it.
Steve points towards the elevators.
“Isn’t that dude over there on Nessy’s team?”
He’s right. A guy in cargo shorts and a dark blue VegaTech polo shirt, one of Vanessa’s fellow engineers, fresh out of the elevator, spots me hanging out by the reception desk and jogs over.
“Sorry, Toby! Nessy is still upstairs, the new manager just gave us a new deadline.”
Oh, yes, same as last week. Three months ago, the kind older gentleman who understood my sister’s time constraints as one of my carers was replaced by a jerk straight from company headquarters. Ever since my usually dependable sister has become flaky. I understand her worries, and of course, her cushy position at VegaTech is what keeps us afloat, but I also need to be at my appointment, or I’ll risk losing the very little function I have left as a c1/c2 quad.
That’s it. VegaTech likes to brag about their track record with inclusivity. It’s time to see what that’s worth. Using the sip-and-puff control, I turn my power chair around and make my way over to the reception desk.
“Hi, Kristy. Can you tell Mr. Gerber that Toby Burnett is here to see him?”
Continuing with the preview of, Eroshenko, here is Chapter Two. Thanks everyone who ordered already.
I grip the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles are white against the black leather. Is that little clacking sound the car makes normal? Maybe it’s just me, hyper-aware of everything right now.
Because of Brandon.
He sits beside me in the passenger seat, calm as ever, his right leg stretched out comfortably. The left one is a prosthetic, not that anybody could tell underneath his jeans. His hooks, much more obvious than his missing leg, glint in the corner of my eye, one idly tapping against the other in a steady rhythm to the radio.
“It’s accessible,” I say again, glancing at him quickly before returning my eyes to the road. “I checked, like, three times. I called them, went through their website, even cross-referenced reviews. They’ve got ramps, an elevator, even grab bars in the shower.”
Brandon leans his head back against the seat, a faint smile tugging at his lips. He’s so handsome. My stomach churns.
“You know, Jen, you don’t have to go through all this trouble. I’ve stayed in places that weren’t exactly...perfectly accessible, and I managed just fine.”
“That’s not the point,” I say, trying to keep my tone light but feeling the heat rise in my chest. “It’s supposed to be perfect. This is your first trip with me. Our first trip. I don’t want you worrying about managing. I want you to participate in everything the spa has to offer.”
He chuckles softly. It’s so easy for him. That’s part of what I love about Brandon—he’s grounded in a way I don’t quite know how to be. He shifts slightly, his myoelectric left leg whirring faintly as the sensors adjust. He doesn’t seem to notice the sound anymore, but I always do. It reminds me of all the things I have to remember—things I don’t want to mess up.
“Relax,” he says, his voice warm but firm. “This trip isn’t about proving anything. I’m already with you, remember?”
I swallow hard, my fingers easing their death grip on the wheel. “I know. I just want it to be special.”
“It already is,” he says, his voice softer now. “You’re driving. I’m relaxing. And you’ve put way more thought into this than anyone else ever has.”
My cheeks flush, and I let myself glance at him again. He’s looking at me now, his hazel eyes full of unshakable calm. The hooks resting on his thighs gleam faintly in the sunlight. I know he’s not self-conscious about them, and he’s told me I don’t need to tiptoe around them either. Still, I can’t help myself. The sight of them makes my stomach tighten, a flash of heat that I force down with every ounce of willpower I have.
I can’t let it show. Not now. Not ever.
As promised, you have lots of choices if you don't want to give money to Amazon. Purchase the ebook or paperback from:
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Or bypass all these corporations and order a paperback directly from me HERE, for a $3 discount.
If you don't want to buy a copy, you can request your local library to order a paperback or ebook. Or if you have a Librarything or Netgalley account, you can request a review copy, but only until the end of this month.
No matter where you read, please leave a review, especially on Goodreads. It helps a lot! Thanks so much for your support. I really appreciate it!
And now a preview for your enjoyment...
This is a photo of Eroshenko performing in a concert with other students from the Tokyo School for the Blind, probably in 1915.
Click through to read Chapter One
The clerk’s fake smile doesn’t falter, but it’s still fake. I lean a little closer to the desk, gripping the edge. “You don’t understand. I can’t just sleep in my car. It’s freezing out there.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am.” His voice is syrupy, the kind that doesn’t actually mean sorry. “We’re fully booked. This storm caught a lot of people off guard.”
“Right, including me.” My voice is sharper than I mean it to be, and I feel bad for it instantly, but I’m exhausted, soaked, and the thought of sitting in my car all night makes my stomach twist. “There has to be something. A closet. A cot in the basement. I’ll take anything.”
The guy glances over my shoulder, probably hoping someone else will step up and distract me. No luck for him. The lobby is practically empty except for a guy passed out on one of the couches. The clerk’s fingers drum on the desk. “I’ve already told you—”
“Ellie?”
I freeze, grip tightening on the desk. That’s not possible. Not here. Slowly, I turn.
And there he is. Jack Baker. Ten years, and he’s still unmistakably Jack—sharp jawline, the same easy grin, even under the shadow of a soaked baseball cap. But what stops me, what shifts everything, is the sleek black wheelchair he’s sitting in. His hands rest on the push rims, his posture casual like he’s been here all along.
“Jack?” My voice wavers for half a second before I clamp it down. My brain is working overtime, trying to connect the dots. Last I knew, he was climbing mountains out west. Now he’s here, wheels glinting in the fluorescent light, grinning at me like we bumped into each other at the grocery store.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” he says, rolling a little closer. The grin doesn’t falter. “Ellie Thompson, of all people. Small world, huh?”
Hi everyone,
please enjoy Chapter 31 of Not Gay! Thanks for your comments, you guys are all incredible!
Have a great week!
Lovis
Twenty minutes too early. Of course. Not that Kay did it intentionally. It was simply that she always ended up early wherever she went. Others took it for a commendable quality; they assumed she was this reliable, highly disciplined person who would never make anyone wait.
In truth, it was just poor time management. For some people, that meant being notoriously late. With her, it was the opposite – being notoriously early. If you combined a poor sense of time with an ever looming panic to be late, that's what you got.
Kay steered the car into Mulberry Lane. She knew this neighborhood, because she sometimes drove through here on the way to the firm when traffic was bad. Slowing down, she scanned the houses and soon spotted the property in question. The driveway was already blocked by two cars, one of them a huge black van, and she ended up parking a few paces further down against the sidewalk.
She looked at her watch. Fifteen minutes. Kay sank deeper into her car seat and took out her iPad to check her email. She pulled up the one with the assignment details. Though one couldn't actually call that two-sentence message ‘detailed’.
"Assessment for remodeling after botched previous remodeling job", her boss had written. The clunky wording was typical for him; he was good at designing things, not at describing them.
This type of assignment was abundantly familiar to Kay. During the few months she had been working for Stettler & Ilk, half of her clients had been people who were unhappy with previous works done by other firms. It wasn’t exactly the kind of work that most architects associated with the highest prestige, but Kay liked it. She was fascinated with problem solving – the more complex the problem and the more intricate the solution, the better. It was one of the aspects that had initially drawn her to architecture and later to specializing in Design-build. As a general species, architects tended to be very theoretical in the way they approached projects. That wasn't Kay. She liked the practical, tangible side of her craft.
Ten minutes. She adjusted the rearview mirror to check her hair and make-up, tucking a couple of dark blond strands back into her ponytail and re-applying some sheer pink lipstick.
Five minutes. Kay looked at the two-story house in front of her again. Whatever kind of remodeling had been done here before had to be on the inside. There didn't seem to be any kind of annex, and the facade didn't look like it had been renovated recently. The only thing that looked newer than the rest of the house was the long teak ramp bypassing the three front steps. Maybe the remodeling had to do with accommodations for a physically disabled person.
The energetic woman greeting her at the door sure didn't appear to be disabled. She was maybe in her early sixties and looked perfectly healthy. Her handshake was firm.
"I'm Kay Martens from Stettler & Ilk.", Kay said, and the woman gave her a warm smile. "Cora Bell. Come on in."
"That's a beautiful home you have here", Kay remarked, stepping inside. "1920s?"
"That's exactly right", the other woman beamed approvingly, and Kay's gaze lingered on her face for a second, finding something oddly familiar about it. Even though she was positive she had never met the woman in her life. There was something about those features… Déjà vu, maybe? She cleared her throat. "Mr. Stettler mentioned you've had some work done to the house and now are not happy with the outcome?"
Cora Bell weighed her head. "Well, not exactly. The remodeling downstairs has turned out fine. The problem is the second floor.” She gestured towards the staircase. "Why don't I just show you."
Kay followed her up the stairs, while Mrs. Bell kept talking: "We had to move our study – or library, whatever you want to call it, up here, plus the contents of a whole hallway closet. And the space is just not… adequate."
She led Kay through one of the doors, and they stepped into, well, whatever it was supposed to be. Kay nodded. "I can see what you mean", she murmured, looking at the relatively small space filled up with bookshelves, an antique writing desk, an armchair and a huge cupboard – among other things.
"This used to be our elder son's room", Mrs. Bell explained, clasping her hands. "After he moved out, we kept it as a guest room for him." Her voice was sort of melancholy now. Had the son died? Or cut ties with his parents? In any case, this was apparently no longer a guest room.
The club was steadily filling up. Tapping her fingers to the rhythm of some Goldfrapp remix, Kay watched Seth walk across the room towards her, smoothly navigating their drinks through the crowd.
"You have an audience", she grinned, taking the Amaretto Sour he handed her. She pointed her head towards the group of girls in the other corner. They looked like college freshmen and had been ogling him the whole time. "Now they're bummed, because they think I'm your girlfriend."
Seth chuckled with a shrug, probably because he didn't care. He never seemed to care about the fact that he was turning heads. Not because he was arrogant, but because he just wasn't vain enough to care.
He sat down and they clinked glasses. "Next round is on me", she promised, then took a sip of the sweet goodness in her hand. "Even though it's kind of unfair that all you ever order for yourself is beer. I can't return the favor of buying you an expensive drink."
"That's ok, you're still poor", he responded teasingly, a cheeky smirk on his face. "I can forgive you the imbalance."
"Hey, I'm not poor! The money just hasn't reached me yet."
Seth laughed. "You think it got lost somewhere on the way?"
"How's the view up there? On that high horse of yours, I mean." She stuck out her tongue.
It was the joke of the year, because if there was one person not on any high horse whatsoever, it was Seth.
He took a sip from his beer. "How are you? It's been a while."
"Tell me about it." She pursed her lips, silently counting back through the calendar in her head. "Yeah, almost three months. Way too long, again."
"We somehow keep doing that."
"I guess this is what happens when people near their thirties."
"Or are already there", Seth grimaced, because he had turned thirty months ago.
Kay comfortably leaned back on the lounge. "So what have you been up to?"
He shrugged. "Drowning in work, basically. We have a deadline by the end of next week."
"That contest for the community center?"
He nodded. "And one of our senior architects has taken a sabbatical, now of all times."
She grimaced in sympathy. "Meanwhile, my boss let me know the other day that I'm not doing enough overtime."
"What?" Seth scowled, setting his glass onto the lounge table. "That's ridiculous. Considering how little she lets you do in the first place."
"I know, right?" She shrugged. "Honestly, I don't care anymore. Now that I know London is happening and I'm leaving by the end of the year."
"How did she react to those news?"
Kay laughed dryly, then imitated the high-pitched and condescending voice of her boss: "'Well, good luck I guess.'"
Seth rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "They don't deserve you. It's high time you work for someone who appreciates your talent."
Kay beamed at him. "You think way too highly of my talent."
Seth gave her a wink. "I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about."
"Understood, Boss." She grinned.
Enough about work though. There were other things she was dying to know.
"How is it going with TA-mara?" She couldn’t help the slight quip when saying his girlfriend's name – the woman annoyed her. Not that she had ever met her or anything. But Seth’s girlfriend always annoyed her – whoever it was.
"I slept with Seth."
"You WHAT?" Kay's friend Micah almost dropped the ice cream cone she was holding, and her jaw practically fell to the ground.
They were sitting on the grass in a public park; around them were families, groups of students and smooching couples, all enjoying the sunny spring afternoon.
Micah looked unsure of whether to be shocked or excited. "When? How? Why? And what the fuck, Kay?"
Kay smirked sheepishly at her own ice cream. "Last night." She shrugged. "It just… happened."
"Uh huh", Micah said with a scoff. "Right."
"Really! I didn't mean to do it." Seeing the alarmed look on her friend's face, she quickly clarified: "I mean, I wanted to, we both did. It simply wasn't planned."
Micah gave her a lazy smirk. "You just accidentally fell on top of him?"
With a laugh, Kay rolled her eyes. "We were at Glow and then his car conked out. So I invited him to crash at my place."
Now Micah rolled her eyes as well.
Kay gave her a look. "What?"
"So much for 'It wasn’t planned'."
"But it really wasn't!" Kay protested. "I don't know what happened, Micah, we suddenly… wanted each other."
Her friend lent her a telling look. "You didn't ‘suddenly’ want each other. He's always had the hots for you."
Kay averted her eyes, trying not to smile. "Oh please."
"What I really want to know is: Why? Why would you sleep with Pretty Boy? Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"
Kay scowled at her. She hated when Micah called him that. Sure, Seth was good looking – he even was what one would have called 'a beautiful man'. But obviously naming him 'Pretty Boy' was not a compliment on Micah's side. She didn't know Seth well and somehow had never really warmed up to him. Not that she had ever directly said so, but Kay suspected she didn't get what Kay saw in him as a person. From the moment Kay had introduced him to her at a party, Micah had immediately categorized Seth. Guys who looked like that couldn't be cool and multi-layered – Micah’s theory. The fact that Kay knew him much better and could attest for the theory not applying here hadn't been able to sway Micah in her preconception. That was Micah for you – quick to judge and hard to bring around.
"No, he doesn't have a girlfriend." Kay told her, not able to withhold the annoyance from her tone. "And will you stop calling him that? It's offending me."
At that, Micah laughed out loud. "It's offending you?"
Kay rolled her eyes, snorting. "And unfair to him, obviously. But you're implying I'm not a good judge of character. Do you seriously still think I would be such close friends with Seth if he was some shallow bore?"
"Girl, come on." Micah put her hand on Kay's knee. "I never said that. He's obviously a nice guy. Him and I just don't vibe well, that's all."
"You are the one not vibing", Kay corrected her, holding up a finger. "Seth's got nothing to do with it."
Micah sighed. "Look Dude, can we not argue about this? 'Cause I really, desperately want to fucking hear all the details already."
Kay huffed. Normally, she wouldn't have let this go. But right now, the part of her that needed to process last night was stronger. She took a deliberate, long lick of her yogurt ice cream, then intensely looked at her friend. "It was the best sex of my life."
Still, she wondered what was going on. The windows were tinted, so she couldn't see inside – they probably could see her, though. Was Seth having second thoughts or something?
But then the automatic door on the side suddenly started to open, bringing him into view. And an unexpected wave of nausea swept over Kay.
She knew it was stupid, but seeing Seth in that big wheelchair he now steered onto a platform lift was almost as much of a blow as it had been the first time. Back in his parents' living room, it had all seemed surreal. But here he was, in the parking lot of Lakeside Park, still just as paralyzed as he had been a few days ago. And his disability suddenly appeared more blatant to Kay, magnified – it felt… real. She swallowed as she uncrossed her feet, straightening in her posture.
In the meantime, a blond guy with a beard and a man-bun had jumped out of the van. He was about their age and looked like one of those super laid back hipsters and not at all what Kay had imagined Seth's care assistant to be like – which, if she thought about it, was pretty ridiculous on her end, because she didn't actually know what else she had expected.
During the process of the lift descending, Seth tried to look anywhere but at her, repeatedly rolling his neck. He's nervous. Kay knew his body language inside out – well, that of his former body. He would have scratched the back of his neck right now, or run a hand through his hair. But those days were over, so rolling his neck it was.
Once he was on the ground and propelling the chair forward, Kay slowly started to walk toward him. It felt like an impossible distance. But then Seth finally met her gaze, and the eye contact immediately made her feel calmer. Like it always had. She smiled.
"Hey", he said, and his shoulders twitched as if they failed to respond to an instinctive brain command.
"Hi." Bending down, Kay gave him a peck on the cheek, her hand on his shoulder. That he wasn't able to touch her back still felt strange.
"Sorry for keeping you waiting", he said. "Sometimes it takes a while to get out." He turned his head to look behind him. "This is Brian, my PCA."
"Hi Brian", Kay extended her hand to the guy. "I‘m Kay."
He shook it, a curiously bemused smirk playing his lips. "Nice to meet you, Kay." He flashed his employer a look, and Seth stifled a chuckle.
Kay looked back and forth between the two men, raising a curious eyebrow. "What."
Seth gave her one of those disarming smiles of his, dimples showing. "Brian just lost a bet", he explained. "We have this game where we speculate how people are going to react to us."
"Not to us as a pair." Brian interjected to clarify. "But to him as a quad and to me as his carer."
"Right", Kay drawled. "And I did what?"
"You shook his hand and introduced yourself." Seth stated with a content smile. "Which I told him you would.“
Boys. With a lopsided smirk, Kay crossed her arms. "As opposed to what?"
"Barely saying hello", Brian replied with a shrug. "Some people think they're supposed to pretend I'm not there. Like a butler."
Now Kay couldn't help but laugh. "That's what you predicted I would do?"
Sheepishly, Brian scratched his beard. "Well, no."
"He said you would say Hi with a wave", Seth smirked.
Kay tsk-ed in mock disapproval, then she gave Seth a fond smile. "I'm glad you knew better."
He smiled back, then shifted his shoulders and pointed his chin towards the park. "Shall we?"
"Let's."
It all went so fast that Kay didn't even have time to grasp what was happening. One minute Seth was perfectly fine, the next he inhaled sharply and his face scrunched up in a grimace.
"Are you ok?" she asked uneasily, but she didn't get an answer. In a matter of seconds, he was profusely breaking out in a sweat on head and neck, and his skin color turned to bright red.
Kay's heart skipped a beat, something icy closing its grip around her insides. "Seth?"
"Get Brian", he grunted through clenched teeth, and Kay jumped up from her chair.
Hearing her shout his name was all it took for the PCA to practically drop his coffee onto the bench in a heartbeat and hurry over to them. Either the guy had very fine instincts, or she had just sounded as alarmed as she was.
Standing before Seth and taking one look at him, Brian seemed to have an idea what was going on. He grabbed and ripped open a backpack that was hanging on the back of the wheelchair, and a second later, he had slipped a blood pressure device around the other man's floppy wrist. Then he put a hand on his shoulder "Seth."
Seth didn't answer – he was too busy squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his head back against the headrest with a groan.
"Can you look at me?" Brian addressed him again, this time touching his face. "Come on Dude."
Now those dark eyes squinted open, but he was barely even seeing him, obviously in some kind of agony. Kay bit down on her bottom lip, her trembling hands clenching until they hurt. She had never seen Seth in pain.
The blood pressure monitor beeped, in a particularly high-pitched tone. Brian cursed softly upon reading the number on the display. He crouched down and started pushing up the jeans on Seth's right leg, revealing a bag halfway filled with urine, strapped to a pale calf. Kay swallowed, averting her eyes, because she knew Seth wouldn't have wanted her to look.
For a short moment, her peripheral vision registered their surroundings. The other guests in the café, along with Server Guy, were staring at them like it was a blockbuster movie, and people who were walking by slowed their pace to see what was going on. Kay wanted to murder them all.
Blinking, she looked back at Brian, who was shaking his head to himself now, a frown on his face. From his crouching position, he looked up at her. "Did something happen just now? Anything that could have hurt him in some way?"
Utterly confused, she shook her head. "What do you mean? We were just talking."
Brian didn't answer. He started undoing the straps across Seth's feet, then took off his sneakers and socks.
Meanwhile, Seth was still moaning and sweating, jaw clenched, eyes squeezed shut again. Kay went to stand at his side, tentatively laying a hand on his shoulder.
And that was when she saw it.
It was clinging to the back of his right upper arm, half concealed by the short sleeve of his navy blue shirt, and it had stung at least twice. That damn wasp. With a soft curse, Kay instinctively ripped the insect off. "Seth", she uttered. "Are you allergic to wasps?"
The slightest confusion crossed the grimace that currently was his face. "What?" he asked, his voice strained.
"No, he's not", Brian threw in, looking up sharply. "Why, is there a bite?"
So it was official – Seth was back in her life and she in his. After Lakeside Park, spending time together became a regular thing again.
In some ways, it was like old times. But they were a bit older now, and their friendship seemed not as weightless as it had been in the past. Which – Kay supposed – was probably what happened when people had complicated history and gone years without contact. Plus, one person having acquired quadriplegia along the way. You could also say: Life had happened.
Seth wasn't entirely her old Seth – he was her new Seth. New Seth didn't have the carefree nonchalance of the old Seth, but in exchange, his ability to observe and perceive had grown all the more. He had always been a good listener and conversationalist, but now he was absolutely killing it. The new Seth seemed more humble, maybe even more serious.
Oh, and he couldn’t move.
It was fascinating to Kay how little time it had actually taken her to get used to that fact. In Lakeside Park, she had still asked herself if she would ever be able to see Seth as a quadriplegic – a few meetings later, she didn't even register the wheelchair much anymore. Not in the sense of overseeing it. Rather the opposite: Seth's disability was just part of who he was now, with everything it brought with it. Things like helping him with drinks or moving his control within reach were simply aspects of spending time with him, and Kay didn't really associate them with limitations anymore. When there were no hiccups, it didn't really play a role that Seth was completely paralyzed.
Granted, there were also moments where his disability did play a major role; moments when things went south. A malfunction on the wheelchair. Places that were not as accessible as they looked from the outside. Temperatures that brought on discomfort. Blood pressure issues. Violent spasms that made talking impossible for him. Pain. The list went on. The more time she spent with Seth, the more Kay realized that his wellbeing was kind of a fragile balance that was depending on a whole number of factors. A balance that could easily be disrupted. And because the factors were so many, the chance of something being wrong at some point was rather high. Even though there hadn't been another such dramatic occurrence like the thing with the wasp, that first meeting at Lakeside Park had turned out to be quite representative of how fast an activity or conversation with Seth could turn from fun to tense.
They met up at least once a week. It wasn't always easy to find a common time slot, but somehow they managed. Kay had quickly figured out Seth's weekly schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, he had physical therapy. Those appointments took up half of the day, and he was never available for meeting up after – because, as he said, they left him "spent".
Kay wondered why. Physical therapy for people with spinal cord injuries was something she only knew from TV shows and movies, where some character simply needed to overcome their inner resistance, then did some stretching and some exercises on parallel bars and tadaa, they could walk again. Which was obviously ridiculous and not the case here. So what was Seth doing there that wore him out every time? It wasn't like he had much of his body to work with.
Apart from PT, there were also numerous other medical appointments, and of course his job. Overall, he was much busier than she would have expected him to be, given that he was working only a few hours per week.
"My disability is almost a full-time job", he'd once remarked, and even though he hadn't specified what he meant by that, Kay had a feeling he wasn't merely talking about PT and doctor's visits. She did know that sometimes he needed to cancel on her pretty much last minute – and cancelling was something the old Seth had never done. "Bad day", was usually all he would state as the reason, or: "Something's come up." Whatever the ‘something’, Kay knew it was always disability-related in one way or another.
Not that Seth would have ever said so – he never told her anything about the in and outs of his quadriplegia. It wasn't that he didn't answer questions when she asked, but it was never more than just that: answering. He never elaborated, never went into detail, never followed it up with anything that could reveal more than he apparently wanted to. Kay simply accepted this boundary of his. She didn't want to pry when it was so evident that his medical situation wasn't exactly his favorite topic.
One thing they absolutely never talked about at all were the circumstances of his injury. Even after several months of close contact, Kay didn't know the first thing about his accident – other than what he’d told her when she had run into him: That he had broken his neck in a car crash about one and a half years earlier. She didn't have a clue where and how it had happened, if he'd had any other injuries, how long he'd been in the hospital for and what rehab had been like for him. Seth's ability to completely block the whole topic was just mind-boggling. He gracefully steered clear of it in his ever subtle ways, and if the conversation ever threatened to get close to the area, he would promptly divert attention into another direction. And Kay just let him, well picking up on his unwillingness to go there. Seth might tell her one day, she figured, whenever he'd be ready to.
A week later, Kay went on a blind date. Not that she actually wanted to. She had more or less stumbled into the whole thing, just because the guy was her boss's secretary's cousin. Lacy – the secretary – had sworn he was “just the man” for her. Even though Lacy barely even knew her, except for saying “good morning”, “how are you?” and “have a nice weekend”.
Kay's first and only longer exchange with her had been a few days ago on a shared ten-minute coffee break. It was all small talk about the weather and the traffic that morning.
"So Kay," the secretary then had asked abruptly. "Got someone special in your life?"
"Not really." Even though saying that had sort of felt like a lie.
"Oh my God, I know just the guy for you!" Lacy had excitedly pulled out her phone, and her long golden gel nails had tapped and swiped around on the screen until someone's blurry profile picture had appeared. "My cousin Gideon," she'd beamed. "I bet he's just your type. Very sophisticated. Tall, dark and handsome, you know."
Kay had frowned at the picture. The guy in it looked nothing like that description, but maybe the photo just didn't do him justice.
"He's very intelligent," Lacy had gone on with enthusiasm. "And you’ve got a lot in common, too!"
Like what? The preference for good weather and no traffic? "I don't know…"
But Lacy had grabbed her by both shoulders, a strong whiff of sweet perfume engulfing Kay's senses. "Oh Kay, please, you have to go on a date with him!"
And so now here she was, standing in front of an Italian restaurant, waiting for that guy Gideon who was apparantely going to sweep her off her feet. It was raining, and because she'd naturally been early and waiting for ten minutes already, Kay was beginning to feel cold.
"Kate?" A voice from under an umbrella asked.
"It's Kay," she remarked, and she dipped her head to look at him. The picture on Lacy's phone did do him justice – he was neither tall nor handsome, and certainly not dark. His frizzy, half long hair with sideburns was sandy blond at best.
Gideon shrugged. "Shall we go in? My shoes are getting wet."
She followed him up the four steps to the restaurant's entrance, and for some reason all she could think of was how very inaccessible it would have been for Seth. Kay wondered what he was doing right now. Probably sitting at dinner with his parents, who would be leaving for Japan in two days.
Once they were situated at their table, Kay got a better look at Gideon. His cheeks were soft with red spots on them, and he had almost no facial hair. Not as in clean shaven, but in the sense that there apparently was barely anything growing there ever. Which made him one of those men who eternally looked like fresh out of puberty. He was not only not her type, he was practically the anti-type of everything she found attractive.
"I'm a big connoisseur of Italian cuisine," Gideon announced when they were looking at their menus. "Let me know if there's anything I can recommend to you."
Kay smiled faintly. "Thanks, I think I –"
"I come here all the time," he talked over her. "It's the best place in town." Clapping his menu shut, he looked around for the waiter, his eyes barely grazing Kay. "Do you know what you want?"
She sighed. "Sure."
"You know what, Kate?" Gideon gave her a thin lipped smile once they had ordered. "You are very pretty. Lacy told me you were, but you never know, right?" He made a winky face that made Kay want to throw up.
Fighting against her every bodily impulse, she managed to smile back. "Right. By the way… I think you got my name wrong. It's Kay, not Kate."
He scratched his chin, studying her philosophically. "Interesting," he mumbled. "I don't think I've ever met a woman who just abbreviates her name with her first letter."
Christ. "It’s not –"
"Oh, here come our drinks! Grazie, Luigi."
Whatever, Kay decided. She didn't actually care what the guy thought her name was. This date had barely even started, and she already wanted it to be over. If she was honest with herself: She had wanted it to be over yesterday.
While they were eating some bruschetta and waited for the main course, Gideon talked a lot. He barely asked her any questions and instead focused on what he was apparently most passionate about: Himself. "I'm all about self-optimization," he said. "Keeping myself healthy and fit, following a good work-life balance," He fumbled the side of his head, attempting to smooth out his frizzy hair. "And I always keep my goals in sight. Anyone can achieve anything if they truly want to. It's all" – he tapped his temple – "right here."
Kay took a big gulp from her glass, feeling exhausted already. At least this wine was really good. She took another sip. "Anyone can do anything?" she then inquired. "Really?"
"But of course!" Gideon propped up his elbows on the table, putting his fingertips together. "Take me, for example. I started out as a simple high school teacher, and now I'm a successful motivational speaker."
She almost choked on her bruschetta. "You're a motivational speaker?" If she had known that, she would never have agreed to go on a date with him in the first place.
Gideon was nodding his head proudly. "I help people become their best selves."
Kay raised a lazy eyebrow. "I'm dying to hear how they can do that."
Of course Gideon didn't pick up on her dry tone of voice. "I'm glad you’re asking, Kate," he said, again smoothing out his hair. "So, for instance. Some people don't have the fit and healthy body they desire. But they don't really do anything to change it, you know? Instead of taking matters into their own hands and becoming their healthiest, happiest version. It's about manifesting stuff."
Kay felt her jaw tighten. "What about people who manifest all they want and still don't get the body they desire?"
Gideon gave her a scoff. "Obviously they're doing it wrong. It's all excuses. Want to be fit and healthy and happy? Work for it. Earn it." He rammed his index finger onto the table. "Deserve it."
Kay knew she should have been taking this for what it was: Laughable nonsense. A few months ago, she probably would have been rather entertained by it. It would have been one of those encounters she would later have told her friends about, laughing tears. Not now though, not anymore.
"Good health is a gift," she said tightly. "Not something you deserve, or something you earn."
Now Gideon raised his shoulders with an expression on his face like he was trying to be Robert De Niro. Which, with his hairless and rosy face, looked nothing short of ridiculous. "Don't be so sure, Kate. People don't get sick for no reason."
"People have accidents for no reason."
"That's debatable."
She blinked, unable to keep her jaw from dropping. "Excuse me?"
"Like I said before," red cheeked and frizzy haired Robert De Niro stated complacently. "Manifestation."
Ignorant asshole. "So if you crash your car tomorrow and are permanently disabled," she muttered through almost clenched teeth, "you manifested that, too?"
Gideon smiled. A thin lipped, smug smile. "Yes, absolutely. But that would never happen to me."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, really." He crossed his arms. "See, I don't manifest myself as a loser. Which means I’m never going to become one."
Kay laid her hands flat on the table. "So just we understand each other," she said slowly, needing all of her energy to keep the outrage from her voice. "You think people with disabilities are losers?"
For the first time, Gideon looked kind of uneasy, but only for a millisecond. "Well," he raised his eyebrows at her. "Who in their right mind wants to live as damaged goods?"
Without thinking, Kay abruptly pushed back her chair and stood up. "If you'll excuse me for a minute, I'm gonna use the bathroom."
It was down a flight of stairs, no elevator, and there was nowhere a door in sight with a wheelchair icon on it. Fucking inaccessible establishmens. No matter that Seth wasn't with her right now – the point was that if he had wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to go to this restaurant.
“Just don't waste too much of your energy on it. It'd be a shame.”
Oh Seth. Now Kay suddenly felt like crying. Inside the ladies room, she washed her shaking hands and let the cold water run over her skin for a long moment. Then she stared at herself in the mirror. What the fuck are you doing?
She went back to the table, and without even sitting back down, informed Gideon that she didn’t feel well and needed to leave. He didn't seem to mind much. "Oh well," he said. "I've eaten here alone before, so no big deal. See you soon!"
Definitely not.
It was raining even more than before when Kay stepped outside. Her umbrella’s mechanism was jammed, and she was wet in a matter of seconds. With a frustrated grunt, she tossed the useless thing into the next trash can.
The rain drops running down her face were joined by tears. She was so very, very pissed.
Pissed at Gideon for being an arrogant asshole and the worst date ever.
Pissed at that restaurant, for ignoring the part of the population that couldn't climb stairs and use regular bathrooms.
Pissed at Micah, for acting so patronizing and saccharine to Seth the other day.
Pissed at life for being fucking unfair and dealing Seth the hand it had dealt him.
But most of all, Kay was pissed at herself. For agreeing to a date she’d never wanted to have in the first place – no: For even considering going out with anyone. When in truth, there was only one person in the whole wide world she would have wanted to go on a date with. And just like six years ago, she had managed to lie to herself about it for way too long again.
"Kay! How was your date with Gideon?" Lacy screamed when Kay got into the office the next morning. She came rushing over from behind her desk, her impossible high heels clacking on the floor, and she beamed excitedly. "He's great, isn‘t he?"
Oh dear, Kay now realized. The woman actually had the hots for her own cousin. Either she had very poor taste, or all her other cousins were even worse than Gideon. Probably both. "Thank you for trying, Lacy," she told her kindly. "But Gideon is not the guy for me after all."
Lacy's face fell, and her fake lashes fluttered. "He's not?"
"The truth is," Kay said. "I've realized that I actually have feelings for someone else."
"Oh," the secretary uttered. "Well in that case, congrats to you."
No, not congrats to me. Because she had no idea what to do with those feelings of hers – once again. The only thing she knew was that she didn’t want to lose him – not again. So how could she possibly have told Seth that she was in love with him?
A few afternoons later, she ran into him at the house. Kay was there for a meeting with the chief builder – the final one before the start of the remodeling. She had just seen the guy off and was about to go home when Brian walked through the front door, followed by Seth – they were back from physical therapy. "Hey you two!"
"Well hello Miss Martens. Fancy meeting you here." Seth grinned at her with those irresistible dimples, and Kay felt herself blush.
He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and when Kay bent down to hug him, she caught a whiff of gym mat smell on him. His hair was a little damp, several of those dark waves coiling into small curls.
"Mister Bell," she winked when she straightened up. "What a nice surprise." She looked at Brian. "And you of course, Mister Felloni."
"Yeah yeah." The PCA gave her a lazy smirk that said 'It's fine, no need to include me', then disappeared into the modern corridor, leaving her and Seth alone. Kay suddenly felt shy, and when she looked at him, her stomach tingled.
He pointed his head toward the staircase. "All done up there?"
"All done for the day. Was just about to head home."
"Why don't you stay for a bit. Let's sit outside and drink something."
Kay cocked her head. "I thought you're too tired to hang out after PT."
His left shoulder went up as he smirked sheepishly. "Usually. But you're already here, so it would be kind of weird not to hang out, wouldn't it."
That made her laugh. "That's a very convincing argument." She deposited her work bag by the coat rack and then started walking towards the kitchen. "What are you drinking?"
The whirring sound of the wheelchair followed behind her. "I don't know. Something sugary and refreshing?"
Kay nodded, glancing at him over her shoulder. "I'll see what I can find."
"Mind if I go ahead to the patio?" Seth asked. "I need to relieve pressure."
"Sure."
In the kitchen, she spotted some fresh lemons. "Lemonade it is," she mumbled, and started taking out the utensils, three glasses and one of Seth's straws. She knew her way around here by now.
When she stepped through the terrace door roughly ten minutes later, she found Seth not only relieving pressure in a fully tilted seat position – he was also asleep.
Kay smiled. Too tired after all. Quietly, she set the tray with the lemonade down on the table, then pulled out the chair closest to him for herself. And then she just sat there and gazed at him. He looked so peaceful. His head had slightly fallen to the side on the headrest, his face was completely relaxed, full lips slightly parted. He was so beautiful that it almost hurt. All of him. Including his atrophied body, the mended hole in his neck and the bulky wheelchair.
She thought back on how seeing him like this had shocked and shaken her, how impossible and unreal it had felt to see those limbs of his so still and slight. Now the mental image of his pre-injury body kept fading more and more each day. Like his arms and hands for instance: The way they were now – slim and only moving with occasional spasms – suddenly seemed all she knew. Had they really ever been dynamic and muscular? And had his shoulders really ever been less bony? His chest broader and more defined? Kay actually needed to concentrate to recall.
One memory hadn't faded one bit though and was still vividly present – that of his touch, of the feel of his body against hers. She missed that. She missed being close to Seth. So much that it hurt.
Seth woke up with a start. Oh shit, he had dozed off.
Then he frowned. Kay was sitting next to him – very close. She had her elbows on her knees, looking lost in thought. Seth stared at her hand, because it was on his unfeeling arm, her thumb stroking back and forth. The sight did something to him; something he didn't like. He swallowed. Now Kay seemed to have realized he was awake, because she abruptly straightened in her posture, pulling back her hand so quickly as if she'd just been caught stealing.
"Sorry," she mumbled awkwardly. "Does it bother you when I do that?"
"Of course not, why would it bother me?" he lied, his own voice much huskier than he would have liked it to be.
"You had that scowl on your face just now."
Seth blinked. "I was just wondering if I remember what it feels like, that's all."
Kay paused a beat. "And do you?"
He evaded her gaze. "Yes."
"You're saying that like it's a bad thing."
Because it is. He didn't want to remember it. Not when Kay was the one touching him. He couldn't tell her that though, and so he just stayed quiet, mentally looking for a way to change the subject.
Kay beat him to it. She stood up and pointed towards the tray on the table. "Ready for something sugary and refreshing?"
He glanced at the liquid in the glass pitcher and lent her an approving smile. "Lemonade? Nice."
While she filled both their drinking glasses, Seth fished for his control and puffed in the command for the seat to move back up from its tilted position. Once upright, he rolled his neck and shoulders, trying to shake off the persisting exhaustion from his system. He missed being able to rub his eyes.
"Here you go," Kay mumbled, offering his glass to him, and he brought his head forward to take the straw between his lips. The lemonade was perfect. Still drinking, he glanced up at Kay to lend her an appreciative nod. He had no idea why, but when their eyes met, she just sort of stared at him unblinking for a second, almost like a deer in the headlights, and then abruptly looked away nervously. And because that confused the hell out of him, he mixed up swallowing and breathing in the wrong moment, and before he knew it, he was about to choke on that perfect lemonade. He started coughing – or emitting the lame excuse for a cough he was able to produce nowadays.
As his chest was tightening up, he saw Kay hastily put down the glass, then her hands hovered above his shoulders while she stared at him in alarm, her eyes wide. She was already opening her mouth to call out when his airway cleared and he was able to gasp for breath. "I'm ok," he croaked quickly, blinking away the water that had built up in his eyes. "I’m ok."
Kay retrieved her hands, one of them landing on her own chest. "Jesus," she groaned as she released the breath she'd been holding. "You almost gave me a heart attack."
"You distracted me," Seth wheezed. "With that strange face you made."
"What strange face?" she frowned as if confused, but he could see her blushing.
"Never mind." He pointed his head toward his glass on the table. "I need another sip."
Kay held it up to him with a raised eyebrow. "Can you please not get distracted this time?"
"If you don't make any strange faces, yes."
He made sure to not even look at her while he drank, otherwise he would have probably burst out laughing.
"I didn't know that's something you have trouble with," Kay mumbled when he was done. "Coughing, I mean." She tried to make her tone light, but her eyes betrayed a different sentiment.
Not that worried look again. He blinked at her, shrugging. "Yeah, well, haven't got the muscle function for it."
She knitted her brow. "What would have happened if it had been food just now instead of liquid?"
He sighed with a smirk. "You would have called for Brian. And with some luck, he might have saved me from choking to death."
Kay gave him a reproachful look. "It's not funny."
That made him snort. "Believe me, I'm aware." Choking to death was one of his biggest fears ever since his injury. Maybe because he still remembered vividly what suffocating had felt like.
"What do you do when you have a cold and need to cough up stuff?"
Ugh. He would not go into that with her. "There's… methods for that," was all he said, and Kay nodded, not asking further. Seth was grateful to her for always sensing when he wanted a topic closed.
They talked about work for a bit, then Brian joined them on the patio.
"Seth fell asleep," Kay informed him with a smirk, and Seth rolled his eyes at her.
PCA chuckled. "That's something he’s exceptionally good at."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I never knew that.”
“That's because it's new,” Seth mumbled, and she nodded in understanding. He suppressed a yawn. "Sorry," he mumbled sheepishly. "Just beaten."
"Now I know what you mean when you say you’re spent after PT", Kay remarked. "What do you even do there?"
He couldn’t help but chuckle. She wasn't the first one to ask him that, of course, and she had the same confused expression on her face like everyone else.
"Why are you laughing?"
Seth shrugged. "It's just funny seeing people wonder what someone like me could possibly do that wears them out."
Which was ironic, since never in his life had any kind of training taken so much out of him like his PT. All the running, rock climbing and swimming pre-injury had not felt half as demanding as trying to lift his head up from a horizontal position, or pushing his shoulder back in such a way that his arm moved half an inch on the mat, or simply keeping his neck straight when in a standing position. Those things felt like running a marathon, and looking back, the sports he'd used to do seemed like a walk in the park in comparison.
Kay blushed a little, smirking awkwardly. "So what do you do?"
"Working on what I've got. And getting my limbs moved."
"And standing," Brian added.
Now Kay frowned. "Huh?"
"It's important to keep the blood vessels and bones healthy," Brian explained. "The body's not made for sitting down and lying flat all the time."
Kay glanced at Seth. "How does it work?"
"By magic, of course," he joked, then clenched his teeth when his left shoulder cramped up from a spasm in his arm.
Brian stepped over to him and took hold of the trembling appendix, loosening the muscles with a couple of practiced moves. "There are several ways for quads to get into a standing position," he told Kay while slightly massaging Seth’s shoulder. "Seth usually does it on a tilt table."
Seth was glad he didn't mention the reason for that. Which was that his blood pressure tended to be so erratic that in case it plummeted, they could lower him down swiftly.
Kay looked at him. "What does it feel like?"
He shrugged. "Good. And weird, and exhausting."
Brian looked at his watch. "Gonna start cooking dinner. You staying, Kay?"
She shook her head. "Thanks, but I'm already invited to my sister's house."
Brian went inside, and for some reason, an awkward silence suddenly filled the patio. Seth didn't know why. Kay just seemed kind of nervous today, and somehow she kept avoiding eye contact. "So with all that physical therapy", she eventually addressed him. "Has there been any improvement at all?"
He frowned. With that nervous look on her face, he couldn't help but wonder what exactly she was asking here. Was she asking if he…? No. No way.
"I've gotten stronger above my line of injury," he said warily. "Which is basically all I can expect." He searched her gaze, knitting his brow. "You didn't think I was ever getting out of this chair, did you. This is it for me."
"I know that!" she almost cut him off in bewilderment, looking almost hurt by his assumption. "Of course I know that. That's not what I meant."
"Then what's wrong?"
Kay immediately averted her eyes. "Nothing’s wrong."
Seth raised his brows at her. "Kay."
Now she uttered a nervous laugh, still not fully looking at him. "I don't know what you mean."
"You're acting weird. What's going on."
With a stiff shrug, she shook her head. "I'm not acting weird!"
She was a terrible liar. Something was up, Seth was sure of it. He scoffed, clenching his jaw. What was she not telling him?
She kept being weird the next time they met up. And the time after that, and the one after.
It was strange. Usually, Seth was able to read Kay like he could read no one else. And she usually was completely open with him about everything. But now she was obviously hiding something, and she was hiding it specifically from him – that much was clear from the way she often got flustered from direct eye contact, and from how she sometimes was staring at him with that weird absentminded look on her face, only to quickly lower her gaze when he caught her doing it.
Seth couldn't for the life of him figure out why she behaved like that, and he had given up on trying to get it out of her. She blocked his questions in that direction, and because she always respected when he blocked stuff, he figured it was only fair to do the same. So he just let her be weird, assuming that at some point sooner or later, she would either open up or stop being like this. The most important thing to him, after all, was to be able to spend time with Kay. And if Kay was being weird – well, then he would just take that for what it was. Things would go back to normal soon enough, he told himself.
And then the thing with Brian's car happened.
Not a day had passed for Kay without thinking of Seth. It had been over a year since she had moved to London permanently; over a year since that talk on the oriental lounge sofa.
They had stayed in contact, but it was different than before. A few texts here and there, that was it. The unresolved and unspoken things between them managed to make every exchange feel awkward, even with the huge physical distance.
Kay knew he was still with that woman Sophie – though she preferred to call her Whatshername in her mind. Meanwhile, Kay had gone on a few dates and had slept with a couple of guys, but it all felt empty. She didn't feel like that space in her heart was free, not really. It belonged to Seth, and whenever she tried to push that fact down and concentrate on falling for someone else – as if falling in love was something you needed to concentrate on in the first place – her subconscious punished her with a vivid, emotional or highly sexual dream of Seth, catapulting her right back into those feelings. Probably because a part of her still had hope that maybe his relationship with Whatshername would end soon and she would get her chance after all.
She went back home for Christmas. Well in advance, she had texted Seth that she would like to see him while she was there, and the faster their meeting approached, the more nervous Kay became. To hell with respecting his current relationship – she needed to tell him how she felt. That she couldn't just go on like this and pretend like nothing had ever happened between them. That she was in love with him and that she wasn't able to let go.
They met for dinner at a restaurant. Kay felt weak in the knees when Seth walked in and she stood up to greet him. He looked older somehow, in a good way – more mature. The dark grey coat he was wearing was one of those slim fitted woolen ones, and he had a new haircut. In all the years she'd known him, he'd always worn his full dark hair at almost the same length top and sides, which had given him a very casual, even boyish look. Now it was trimmed shorter on the sides and in the back, and those wonderful waves on top were even more shown to advantage. In short, now Seth did not only look hot and gorgeous, but also wildly attractive in a very adult kind of way.
His hug was somewhat reserved, but his eyes were not when he sat across from her and they looked at each other. "It's good to see you," he said warmly. "Been a long time."
She nodded earnestly. "For real."
They started by catching each other up on the basics – work, living situation, family. Kay told Seth about her life in London and answered all his questions, albeit somewhat half-heartedly. Something was off. The vibe was off. They both tried to make the usual jokes with one another, to have their old, relaxed banter. But for some reason, it wasn't working. It felt like both of them were holding back; the air between them thick with all the things that had happened and everything that hadn't been said out loud. Seth seemed apprehensive, almost wary – as if he knew what she was here for.
"How is it going with you and Sophie?" Kay finally asked. She tried to keep her tone light, but she failed miserably; just like Seth failed to keep his jaw from slightly tensing up right now.
"It's going well." He scratched his neck. "We're really good together." With a smirk, he added. "Just a perfectly normal couple."
Kay winced inwardly. This didn't sound like a relationship that was about to end anytime soon. On the contrary, it sounded fucking stable and established.
Seth cleared his throat. "Are you seeing anyone?"
She shook her head, looking down. "The thing is," she began, but then hesitated. This was the moment she had anticipated for so long. The moment where she had planned to put her cards on the table and tell him how she felt about him. But now that she was sitting here, she suddenly felt silly. Seth was obviously in a happy relationship. His whole body language told her he wasn't here to throw it all overboard and ride into the sunset with her.
"I wanted to talk to you about…," she started over. "About what happened between us. I just can't… let it go, Seth."
He blinked, and a nervous flicker went across his face. Instead of saying anything though, he just waited for her to go on.
Kay licked her lips. "It's just always there," she rambled. You are always there. "I told you I regretted not taking the leap back then, and… well I still do." I'm in love with you.
Seth shifted in his seat, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. He nodded, clearing his throat. "Yeah."
Yeah? That's all you've got? Kay's heart sank even deeper than it had sunk already. Never since they’d known each other, he had been this quiet and reserved with her. This tense. Kay felt stupid, and exposed. She took a shaky breath, searching his gaze. "What am I to do with that, Seth?"
Now he looked at her. His eyes were telling a different story than his demeanor – they were looking broody and vulnerable. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I don't know what to do with it myself."
Kay exhaled shakily. So he hadn't forgotten about her either. The big difference being that he had someone else in his life, too. Now she understood why he had been acting so unnaturally detached tonight: Seth was simply trying to protect his relationship.
Now he scoffed softly. "Life can really be fucking ironic." He was shaking his head, one hand rubbing the back of it.
She now knew where this was going. "Sophie –," she asked hoarsely. "Do you love her?"
Seth's eyes earnestly met hers when he nodded. "I do."
They were both silent for a long moment. It felt like everything had been said. Kay for sure knew everything she needed to know.
"I'm glad that you're happy," she eventually said, and she meant it, even though it tore her up inside. She knew she had lost him. Because now, how would they be able to continue their friendship? He knew she wanted more, and he couldn't give it to her, so what were they supposed to do with each other? It was over.
They continued the dinner with small talk and discussions about pop culture. Kay wanted the night to be over already, but at the same time she didn't want it to end. Because Seth, her Seth was slipping through her fingers, and she wanted to hold on to every tiny piece of him that was still here.
"Let's stay in touch," he said, when they were standing outside the restaurant and about to part ways.
"Sure." She knew that they wouldn't.
"And give me a call when you're here on the next break," he added. "We can go for drinks or something."
Kay nodded faintly, managing a half-hearted smile. "Will do."
They looked at each other, and Seth's eyes were saying all the things his demeanor was aiming not to show. Kay felt a lump in her throat. He was still there, her Seth. It was just that he had made the decision – probably a year ago – that he couldn’t let her get close anymore.
"Take care of yourself," she whispered, blinking against the tears in her eyes. He nodded wordlessly and put his arms around her. She held onto him, trying to conserve the moment for as long as possible. Because somehow she felt like this was the last time ever that Seth was holding her.
